Tag Archives: Weird News

Faux Report

Man Fakes Heart Attack To Get Out Of Wife’s Dinner Party

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KALAMAZOO, Florida – 

A Florida man was taken to the emergency room after his wife called 911, saying that her husband was having a heart attack.

John Williams, 43, was taken to a local hospital via ambulance, but on the drive, said that he was never having any sort of heart attack or any other medical issue – he just didn’t want to be around his wife’s “super boring friends” any longer.

“I pretended to have a heart attack, because it was the only way that I could think of getting out of there without being on the hook for it later,” said Williams. “We have this stupid dinner parties at least once a month, and all of my wife’s friends are snooty, pretentious, miserable people. They just come over for the free drinks and the free food, and then leave. We’ve never once been to a dinner part at one of their houses. At least I livened up the evening.”

Williams says he has no problem paying the bill for the ambulance, and the hospital visit.

“They had to check me out anyway, because it’s protocol, and apparently sometimes people have heart attacks for real and think they’re okay,” said Williams. “The doctor said my ticker is as good as it can be for my age. I have the heart of a 38-year-old.”

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Couple Renovating New Home Find $6M In Cash Stored Between Walls

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LINCOLN, Nebraska – 

A couple who recently purchased an old farmhouse in Lincoln, Nebraska, got a massive surprise when they began renovating their house last month. Melissa and Bryan Jenkins, both 32, purchased the house with a $10,000 down payment. The total cost of the home? $189,000.

“We are going to be able to pay off the house instantly now, with this cash. And once we do, we’re selling the hell out of it and buying a mansion,” said Melissa. “I can’t believe the dumb luck. We didn’t even want this house. It was like, our 3 or 4th choice, but the other sales fell through. So we took what we could get.”

Bryan Jenkins says that he took the first swing with the hammer at the wall, and several bills poured right out.

“We were opening up the first floor bedroom to make a bigger dining room, and cash just started raining down with every swing,” said Bryan. “We couldn’t believe it. We were almost screaming with excitement. By the end of the weekend, we’d pretty much smashed out every wall that wasn’t a retaining wall, and even some of those we may have knocked a couple holes in.”

All totaled, the couple racked up over $6 million in cash.

“According to state law, the money is ours. The house has been vacant for over 20 years, and just like if you found an old bike in the weeds of an overgrown garden, everything that comes with the house is yours when you move in,” said Melissa. “We’re so blessed. Now to get the hell out of Nebraska.”

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Man Suffers Heart Attack After Wife Forces Him To Do Household Chores

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PORTLAND, Oregon –

Mark Jones, 33, has died today after his wife, Rebecca, forced him to spend his entire day off from his construction job doing odd-jobs around the house.

Rebecca and Mark had been married for only 6 months, but friends close to Mark say that ever since the day of their wedding, Rebecca became a “different person,” and they had barely spoken to Mark in weeks.

“Before they got married, everything was great for Mark. You couldn’t wipe the smile off his face,” said best friend Ricky Smith. “He was always gloating about all the mouth-Js he was getting. How she couldn’t stay off of him. How she’d cook him fancy steak dinners and ride him, cowgirl style, while he played Call of Duty. To be honest, we were all really jealous.”

Another friend, Chris Lambert, says that all changed as soon as they got married.

“I just talked to Mark about a week ago. First time in 2 months. He told me how she hadn’t touched him since their wedding night, and even then, he just got a limp-wristed old fashioned,” said Lambert. “Apparently, Rebecca knew exactly what to say and do to get Mark married, and after they were, she really laid into him.”

Mark Jones owned one of the biggest construction companies in the United States, and was worth an estimated $1.9 billion. His wife is set to inherit the entire estate. Police say they believe the death was accidental.

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Man Sues Parents For Having Him Circumcised As A Baby

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GARDNER, Indiana – 

Caleb Fartz, 38, has filed a lawsuit against his parents, Mary and Richard Fartz, both 70, after he says they “neglected to get his permission” for circumcision, a procedure that Caleb had done when he was only 4 days old.

“My parents did not ask me if I wanted to have a part of my penis lopped off, and if they had asked, I certainly wouldn’t have given them permission,” said Caleb Fartz. “The doctor must have taken too much off, too, because – not that I like to make this public, really – but I’m not very big down there. If I wasn’t circumcised, I’d be a lot bigger. At least by a couple millimeters.”

“We have no idea where this is coming from,” said Richard Fartz. “We gave him plenty of love as a child. He grew up in a pretty well-to-do home. I’m circumcised. Everyone in my family is. It’s not a big deal. Hell, he just isn’t a big kid. Never was. Nothing to be ashamed about. If he thinks he’s going to get anything out of me, then he can just kiss my smegma.”

According to his lawyers, the younger Fartz, which is pronounced like Fart-Zee, is seeking $650,000 in punitive damages, and another $3.5 million for “emotional distress.”

 

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Faux Report

Teen Killed In ‘Dodge The Bullet’ Game

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DALLAS, Texas – 

A 15-year-old teen was killed last weekend after he and his friends decided to play a new game they had seen online, “dodge the bullets.” The game, which is taking off in viral YouTube videos, has a person stand near a wall or other solid object while friends take turns firing shots at them from pistols or rifles.

“In all my years as a police officer, this is probably the dumbest trend I’ve ever seen kids take part in,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “Why they think this would be a good idea, or even possible for a long period of time, is beyond me.”

The goal of the game, according to the internet, is to not flinch for as long as possible before jumping out of the way. Most of the time, the “dodger” leaps out of the way well before the shot is fired. In this case, 15-year-old Caleb Matthew waited a little too long to dodge.

Criminal filings could be underway for Matthew’s friends, who his parents say owned the gun, and left it unlocked in their home. The Matthews family says they also plan to sue the other families of the teens involved. Those names have not been released due to the age of the teens.

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Family Drowns After Leaving Sunroof Open In Automated Carwash

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DARWIN, Mississippi – 

A family of three died yesterday after inadvertently leaving their sunroof open when going through an automated carwash. Mary and Roger Jones, both 32, and their daughter, Julie, 11, were all killed after the car filled with water.

“It’s a tragic, horrible thing,” said carwash owner Joe Goldsmith. “Thing is, we have signs everywhere reminding people to close their windows. The water comes fast and furious, and it’s dangerous to have windows open. This is the first time in my 40 years as a carwash owner that something like this has happened, though.”

According to police, Roger Jones, who was driving, left the sunroof of their vehicle open as they entered the automated carwash. Security footage shows that a few seconds after they enter, the sunroof does begin to close, but the water reportedly shorted out the motor.

“The car was filled with over 200 gallons of soapy, sudsy, 300-degree water,” said police chief Miles Smith. “It’s a real tragedy, but a real cautionary tale as well. Always make sure you close your windows.”

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Faceswap App Gets Man Arrested For Murder

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MURPHY, Delaware – 

James Gordon, 36, was arrested last night after he posted a face-swapped picture to his social media pages, say police. Gordon, who swapped faces with a picture of a man on a bus stop ad, said he thought the picture was “hilarious,” but someone who reported the picture definitely didn’t think so.

“There was a case of mistaken identity like I’ve never seen before,” said police chief Joel Silver. “The merging of the two faces that Mr. Gordon posted made him look exactly like a man we’ve been searching for. It was uncanny.”

Gordon says that police burst into his home at 12 Meadowlark Trail, guns drawn.

“I was terrified; I had no idea what was going on,” said Gordon, a construction worker. “Then when they told me I was being arrested for murder, I nearly had a heart attack.”

Lawyers for Gordon fought for his release, after they made police actually take a good look at him.

“They said, ‘look at this guy – does he look like the guy you’re after?'” said Gordon. “Police had to admit that I didn’t, but I did in that face swap picture, and that’s what they arrested me based on. It was truly bizarre.”

Police are now searching for the model who was used in the bus stop ad for questioning in their murder investigation.

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New York City Restaurant Becomes First To Get License To Serve Human Flesh

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Where else but New York City? A newly opened restaurant within the city limits is boasting the nation’s first license to serve human flesh on the menu. The restaurant, simply called SKIN, received a license after petitioning the state and federal governments over laws against cannibalism.

“As a species, we are at the top of the food chain, and the only meat left to tackle was other humans,” said SKIN owner Mario Dorcy, a 4-star Michelin chef. “We battled long and hard to be able to serve human meat in our restaurant, and the government finally conceded that were were in the right.”

Dorcy says that he has been fighting cannibal ordinance laws for over 10 years, and was finally given the green-light after he promised that the meat that was used would only come from people who had donated their bodies specifically to his restaurant, knowing full well that they would be eaten.

“We have to keep meticulous records, and there is a lot of paperwork someone has to fill out before they die, and before they can be eaten,” said Dorcy. “We do pay handsomely for body donations, though, and the money can be used for anything, since funeral expenses become zero when you donate your body to be eaten.”

Dorcy says that there are plenty of dishes on the menu that do not include human meat, but those leery of the process should not order at all.

“Just like on those packages of candies with allergy warnings that say ‘the machines also are used to make items with nuts,’ our utensils are also used to cook human meat,” said Dorcy. “So don’t come in if you’re not down with what we do.”

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Hair Stylists Stabs Man In Head With Scissors After He Refuses To Tip

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A Florida man is in critical condition after a hair stylist stabbed in him the head with a pair of scissors late yesterday afternoon.

According to police, Marvin Jones was getting his haircut at a StyleCuts location in Miami, and when he was done, he was paying via a credit card.

“Eye witnesses say that the assailant, Missy Richards, asked Jones if he would like to leave a gratuity on the card, but Jones declined,” said police chief Marvin Simmons. “At that point, Ms. Richards picked up a pair of scissors from her station, and stabbed Mr. Jones in the head or face area with them.”

“I’ve been cutting hair for years, and it still pisses me off when someone doesn’t tip,” said Richards, 29. “I mean, if you’re a grown-ass man, and you come in to my shop, or any shop that provides a service, really, and you can’t even be bothered to tip? Well fuck you, I’ve got a tip for you, then. The tip of my scissors in your damn face!”

Police have arrested Richards, and she is being charged with assault with a deadly weapon, as well as attempted murder. Doctors are unsure at this time if Jones will survive, but they say he will probably lose sight in the eye closest to where he was stabbed.

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Angry Mob Burns Down Denny’s Restaurant After Finding It Closed

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BANGOR, Maine – 

If there’s one thing that everyone knows about Denny’s Resturants, it’s that they’re always open, and that their food always gives you the blow shits.

One group of people who were hungry for a late night meal were enraged to find that their local restaurant was closed last Tuesday evening, and instead of finding a new place to eat, opted to burn the place to the ground.

“Denny’s is supposed to always be open, and it was bullshit that they weren’t!” said Jordan Scott, 20. “We drove 40 minutes, which is like 3 days of driving when you’re as high as we were, and when we got there, they weren’t even open. What the fuck is that? Denny’s doesn’t close! We were pissed.”

According to police, Scott and four of his friends arrived at a Denny’s location in Bangor, Maine at around 3am Tuesday morning, and when they found that it was closed for cleaning, they set the building on fire.

“Thankfully, the employees inside working were able to make it out unharmed,” said Police Chief Joe Goldsmith. “Unfortunately for the arsonists, the Denny’s they burned down was directly across the street from a 24-hour Dunkin Donuts, and that place was open. It was also filled with police officers.”

The group of delinquents were arrested, and charged with arson. The group say, though, that they plan to sue Denny’s for false advertising, and will use the money won to pay their own court costs.

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Mother Names Baby ‘Roofie’ After How She Became Impregnated

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KEENE, Louisiana –

A new mother has reportedly named her son Roofie after she was apparently drugged and raped during a party. The woman, Felicia Gregory, says that during a visit to Boston College last May, she was drugged and impregnated, but that she “wouldn’t change any of it.”

“Yes, I was roofied while at a party, and that’s why I named my son Roofie,” said Gregory, 23. “He may have been born out of wedlock, which I never would have asked for. He may have born born of rape, which I never would have asked for. And he may be the by product of any one of the 17 men who had sex with me that night, which I never would have asked for, but I’m still so glad he’s mine.”

Gregory says that she never told anyone except a few close friends what happened, because she didn’t think anyone would believer her. When the baby was born, doctors were surprised that she would choose such a controversial name.

“I was originally going to just name him Rape Baby, but I thought the point might be a little to straight forward, so this was second best,” said Gregory. “My son will always be special to me, and Roofie Jesus Gregory is the love of my life.”

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Serial Killer Reportedly Disposed Of Over 50 Bodies Via Curbside Garbage Pick-Up

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PORTLAND, Oregon –

Kyle Brenner, 50, was arrested on Friday morning after a garbage man noticed something funny in the trash in front of Brenner’s home.

“I went to lift up the trash barrel and a finger fell to the ground,” said Mark Jones, 29. “I’ve been hauling garbage for about 3 years, and I’ve seen some crazy shit end up in the trash, but that was the first time I ever saw something human fall to the ground.”

Police were called, and in the investigation, a full body was discovered, that of a woman in her late 20s who has yet to be identified. Brenner was arrested and brought up on charges of murder and improper disposal of human remains. While in police custody, Brenner admitted that he had done the exact same thing more than 50 times, and had never been caught.

“I have been kidnapping, raping, and killing young girls for longer than I can remember,” Brenner said during his police interview. “I have always disposed of them in the same way – putting them in black, Glad trash bags, and putting them on the curb for the garbage man. These women, they’re trash, so I’m just getting rid of them in the most obvious way possible.”

Brenner admits that he chose his victims based solely on size, and that the “smaller the better.”

“When it comes to my sexual preference, I don’t like children, I don’t like boys, and I don’t like animals, but anything else is fair game. When it comes to my preference in killing, I like tiny women,” said Brenner. “They can’t put up as much of a fight, and they fit better in the garbage cans. It’s just common sense, really.”

Brenner is currently being charged on 53 counts of kidnapping, sexual assault, and murder. If convicted, Brenner faces the death penalty.

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Woman Beats Husband To Death With Baseball Bat After Mistakenly Thinking He Forgot Anniversary

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CARSON CITY, Nevada –

A Carson City woman was arrested after allegedly beating her husband to death with a Louisville Slugger baseball bat for forgetting their anniversary. Sadly, the woman was mistaken, and the husband was planning a surprise trip.

According to police, Cathy Ferguson beat her husband, Michael, to death on Friday evening, the night of their 10th wedding anniversary. Cathy said that Michael had not at all mentioned anything about their anniversary, despite dropping “several hints” in the weeks leading up to it.

“I kept mentioning gifts I wanted or things we could do, but you know, subtly,” said Cathy. “He didn’t seem to pick up on any of it. He has forgotten our anniversary for the last 3 years, and this was the last damn straw. When I saw him sitting in the chair, casually reading his magazine instead of taking me out to a fancy dinner, I just lost it. I beat him to death with his childhood baseball bat.”

Police say that when searching the house, the found 2 tickets for a Bermuda cruise inside of a greeting card, with a long love letter inside. The tickets were booked for one day after their anniversary. When police brought this information to Cathy, she immediately broke down in tears.

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Man Hospitalized After Stealing Wife’s Breast Milk, Using It To Dunk Cookies

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BANGOR, Maine –

A man in Maine was hospitalized with severe stomach issues after it was discovered that he was using his wife’s breast milk to dunk his cookies into.

Thomas Towner, 30, had apparently been sneaking into the family kitchen for weeks, dunking his favorite Girl Scout cookies into glasses of his wife, Vanessa’s, breast milk.

“We just had our first baby, and Vanessa has been pumping non-stop,” said Thomas. “We have a massive surplus of it in the fridge and freezer. I accidentally got a little on my hand one time while feeding the baby, and I just licked it off, without really thinking about it. It was delicious. Ever since, I can’t get enough of the stuff.”

Doctors say that they pumped more than a gallon of breast milk out of Thomas’ stomach.

“Breast milk is rich with nutrients and minerals, and it’s good for babies – not so much for adults, though,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Maine General Hospital. “Mr. Towner had been drinking so much of the stuff, it was poisoning his body. We do not at all recommend drinking your own, or your wife’s, breast milk. Save that stuff for the baby. They need it more than you.”

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