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Woman Gets Pregnant After Sleeping at Hotel With Dirty Sheets

MIAMI, Florida –

A woman in Florida says she got pregnant on a business trip to Boston last month, claiming that the hotel never changed the sheets on the bed, and there must have been “ejaculate” on them.

Penny Simon, 28, travelled to Boston for a sales convention, and said that the Hilton she stayed at was “super dirty,” and even though she complained, she thinks they didn’t change the sheets on her bed, and that semen left in the bed from a previous visitor got her pregnant.

“It’s crazy, really, and I feel so bad for her,” said Chris Simon, 29, Penny’s husband. “She’s very conflicted. We’re not an abortion household, but at the same time, the baby isn’t mine, and she’s saying she doesn’t know what to do. I really don’t want to raise another man’s child, but we’ve been trying for 4 years to get pregnant, and she hasn’t been able to. I will raise this baby as my own if that’s what God wants. I just hope the hotel knows that we are suing them for mental anguish. This is disgusting!”

Empire News spoke to Mary Rogers, who works the front desk at the Hilton in Boston where Penny stayed.

“The rooms are very clean, and this hotel was only a week old at the time the guest you mentioned stayed,” said Rogers. “No one had ever been in that room before. Although I was on staff the two nights Ms. Simon stayed here, and watched her bring up at least 3 different men from the hotel bar over the course of 4 hours, so if I had to guess how she got pregnant, I think that answers it.”

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WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Enters Agreement to Purchase New Wrestling Startup AEW

STAMFORD, CT –

WWE CEO and Chairman Vince McMahon announced today that he had met with Tony Khan, the owner of new wrestling promotion AEW, and that the two had agreed on a purchase amount, with McMahon becoming sole owner.

“When I saw the kind of wrestling that these guys were doing, the matches they were putting on, the crowd reactions – I knew that this was something big, and I had to get involved,” said McMahon. “If I didn’t try to take control of this company now, they’d likely have overshadowed the WWE within a few years, maybe less. I am too old for more Monday Night Wars.”

McMahon is referencing the fan’s term for the ratings battle between the WWE and the then Ted Turner owned WCW. During the mid-90s, the two companies went head to head on Monday evenings in prime time TV slots. When WWE eventually took control of the ratings, McMahon bought out WCW and folded the entire promotion.

“When McMahon approached me, I laughed at first,” said Tony Khan, a billionaire whose family has long ties in the world of sports. “But he came in with a price that was just outrageous, and I would have been a fool to say no. Yes, I’m worth upwards of 4 times what the WWE is worth, but I didn’t get that way by being a fool. I’m a wrestling fan, and I love what we’re doing, but WWE can take what we’re doing and amp it up globally overnight.”

On news of the purchase, AEW’s Executive Vice President, Cody Rhodes, simply said “Fuck. Not again.”

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Faux Report

Trump Strikes Deal With Amazon, Netflix, and Others – No More Federal Taxes EVER

Amazon Unveils 'Amazon Crime' Service, Offers Black Market Products at All-Time Low Prices

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In what most are calling a “backroom deal,” President Trump has struck an arrangement with Amazon, Netflix, Disney, Wayfair, and other major companies in the United States, where they will not have to pay any taxes at all, regardless of income.

The purpose of the deal, according to insiders, is to ensure the “continuation and expansion of commerce and entertainment in the United States.”

“If Netflix makes $100 million dollars in profit, just as an example, should they be forced to pay 85% of that in taxes?” said President Trump in a completely unprepared statement. “Of course not, they need money to continue growing their company, and growing their output of amazing shows. That’s what is important when ti comes to the growth of this country. That’s how we’re going to continue to Make America Great Again.”

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Planned Parenthood Announces They Will Stop Performing Abortions At All Clinics Nationwide

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

In a press release from Planned Parenthood, the non-profit company announced today that they would be ceasing to perform any abortions at any of their clinics throughout the country. The reason, they say, is not because of increased pressure from religious groups or right-wing nutjobs, but because they just really are sick of it being their “sole focus” in the media.

“We do so many amazing things for women, and for families in genera,” said Planned Parenthood CEO Marge Brock. “All anyone ever talks about is ‘gee, do you know how many abortions the perform,’ and that sort of thing. Frankly, it’s taking away all the resources of our other services, and we don’t have time to bother.”

Brock says that they will continue to council women on where they can get safe, medically performed abortions should they ask, but they won’t do anything in their facilities.

“We think this change will be great, and allow us to let people know about all the good we do,” said Brock. “Maybe now all these assholes will stop standing outside our offices with badly written signs and hatred, and they can go back to the internet where trolls belong.”

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MTV Announces Drastic Programming Change – They’re Going Back to Music Videos!

MTV Announces New Programming; Channel Will Show Music Videos Again

LOS ANGELES, California –

Viacom Networks, the parent company of MTV, VH1, Nickelodeon, and others, has announced a major programming change for one of their longest-running networks. MTV, which started in the early 80s as a station airing music videos and music-related programming such as interviews with musicians, stopped showing music videos well over a decade ago, and now focuses on reality programming.

“We have decided that nostalgia is the winner here,” said MTV Chairman Reed Morris. “The people have spoken – in fact, they’ve been speaking for years – and they want their MTV. So we have made the decision to remove all existing programming, and go back to our roots. We will begin showing music videos on our network beginning in August.”

It has been a long-running joke that MTV no longer showed any music videos, despite their name – “Music TV.” Many on the internet bashed the company for their change to reality shows, and have been begging for music videos ever since.

“The funny thing is, a channel dedicated to just music videos is completely irrelevant in this day and age,” said MTV superfan Ryan Rogers. “I mean, I miss the days of watching my favorite videos on TV, but even I think this is kind of dumb. I can just go to YouTube and look up whatever I want, any time I want. I don’t need MTV. But it’s still cool they’re willing to ruin their whole network just for the ‘fans’.”

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Investor and TV Star Mark Cuban Files for Bankruptcy After Series of Bad ‘Shark Tank’ Deals

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Investor and former billionaire Mark Cuban has filed for bankruptcy, after he says he made a series of bad business deals on Shark Tank. 

“Over the last two seasons, I’ve invested in about a dozen different businesses, and every single one of them failed,” said Cuban. “It’s absolutely the worst run of luck in my life. I’ve usually been a whole lot better at figuring out how to stay rich. This crippled me.”

Cuban, who made his fortune by perfectly timing the sale of an internet company before the bubble burst, has been an investor on the show Shark Tank since it began nearly 10 years ago. He is the first Shark to lose their fortune investing in the companies presented.

“I feel kind of bad for him, but not like, super bad or anything,” said Barbara Corcoran, another Shark. “Mark was worth more than the rest of the sharks combined, and it’s actually kind of nice to see a fall like this. It will probably give him a bit of humility. I have no doubt he’ll climb his way back up, but for now, I’m smiling a bit.”

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Mark Zuckerberg Steps Down As Facebook CEO Amid Stolen Information Controversy

PALO ALTO, California – 

Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced that he will be stepping down from the company, after allegations that he orchestrated his team to steal private information from site users, and resold it for millions.

“While I can neither confirm nor deny that I was a part of the stolen user data, it happened on my watch as CEO, and that’s not right,” said Zuckerberg. “Effective immediately, I am stepping down as the CEO of Facebook.”

When asked what his next plans were, Zuck was initially shy about answering, but was eventually persuaded to admit that he had his ambitions set on running the country in place of Facebook.

“Realistically, I was already running the country anyway,” said Zuckerberg. “Do you know anyone who isn’t on Facebook? Exactly. When you run the biggest website in the world that billions log onto every day, you’re basically running things, if you understand what I mean.”

Zuckerberg has not officially announced his candidacy, but sources close to him say he is “absolutely” planning a run in 2020.

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Frito-Lay Announces New, Mega-Sized Doritos Chips

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Frito-Lay, the company who manufactures Doritos-brand tortilla chips, has announced that they have plans to make an excessively large chip, with plans to release it later this summer.

“After a viral meme caught our attention, relating the name ‘Dorito’ to meaning ‘little Doro,’ in Spanish, and surmising that must mean that somewhere out there are ‘large Doros,’ we decided to give the public exactly what they want,” said Frito-Lay spokesman Mario Rogers. “We will be unveiling the DoroXL by the end of the summer, with chips that are roughly the size of the current Party Bag of Doritos.”

The company says this is the first time they’ve ever turned an internet joke into an actual product, but they believe it will sell very well.

“With the success of our Doritos-Locos tacos at Taco Bell with stoners and alcoholics, there is no way that this product can fail,” said Rogers. “We are very excited for everyone to see these new chips. They’re literally the size of your head.”

The product will come in the original nacho cheese and “Cool Ranch” flavor to start, and Rogers says that – sales figures depending – the company may release other popular flavors in the DoroXL brand.

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EA Sports To Make President Trump Cover Star of PGA Tour 2018

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

At a press conference at the White House today, President Trump announced that he would be the next cover star for EA Sports’ PGA Tour video game series. The series will be branded as Donald Trump’s PGA Tour.

From The Hard Times:

“This is a tremendous honor that I’ve bestowed upon myself,” said Trump to a crowded White House press room. “I’ve got the best clubs, I play on the best courses, I’m like, really great at golf.  Putting the Trump brand on this game is going to boost sales, bigly.”

Casey Patrick, a lead developer on PGA Tour 18, nervously echoed the president’s sentiments while flanked on each side by Secret Service members.  

“After the Secret Service kicked our door in, slammed my head on a desk, and forced me to sign a contract that appeared to be written in crayon by President Trump himself, we were thrilled to put him on the cover,” Patrick told a group of reporters.

Trump is reportedly also in talks to be on the cover of the next MADDEN video game, and says he is “considering” whether or not to appear on the cover of WWE 2019.

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President Trump Will Appear in WWE Royal Rumble Tonight

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PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

President Trump, who has been friends with WWE owner Vince McMahon for many years, and who has been a part of wrestling events in the past, will be appearing at tonight’s Royal Rumble in Philadelphia. Normally he’d be relegated to a sideline role, or a walk-in part where he may speak,  but this event will be very different. Trump will actually be wrestling in the Rumble match.

“President Trump was asked to participate, and he said yes,” said White House spokesman Giles Anderson. “He and Vince McMahon are longtime friends, and he missed working with the WWE. It was President Trump’s suggestion that he actually participate in a physical role.”

Trump has secretly been training in the ring for the last 6 months in anticipation of tonight’s event, and is saying that he is confident in his abilities.

“I obviously will not be winning the match, I don’t think anyone expects that,” said President Trump. “But I will be able to hold my own with no problem.”

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Netflix Announces Plans To Ditch Hollywood Films, Plans To Focus Only On Original Content

 

SAN DIMAS, California – 

Netflix, everyone’s favorite streaming platform, has – as of late – become an internet joke. For every person who absolutely loves the service, another ten people complain about the lack of new movies and original content, noting that the service often fills their back catalog with old titles and cheap B-movies.

It’s because of this feedback that Netflix has announced their most drastic change since the company began nearly 20 years ago. Starting in June, Netflix say they will completely phase out their licensing agreements with Hollywood studios, and instead rely solely on original, Netflix-created content.

“This change will be our biggest yet, but we’re also betting that it will be the most positive,” said CEO Reed Hastings. “Our numbers for original programming like Stranger Things and Orange is the New Black are through the roof, whereas the film selection are often very sparing. Focusing on original content will help us align ourselves as, essentially, the TV network that everyone is watching.”

Hastings did say that although they are going to do away with licensing of Hollywood movies, it doesn’t mean they are going to stop bringing in shows that have been re-branded for Netflix.

Black Mirror brings in huge numbers for us, and although it’s not a Netflix original, it is the only place to stream the show here in the United States,” said Hastings. “We will continue to run that show, as well as bringing in other series that air outside of the country. We will also be co-producing new episodes in partnership with the BBC.”

So far, comments on the change have been positive, with nearly everyone excited about having a provider that focuses exclusively on original content, and isn’t bogged down with filling space with dead items. Hastings also noted that DVD Netflix, the service that delivers physical media to users’ mailboxes, will go unchanged.

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Trump’s Secret Addiction EXPOSED! How The President Has Gone BANKRUPT Over Secret Purchases

trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has made a big deal about not showing his taxes, trying desperately to hide his actual income and net worth from the public. The reason why, many have speculated, is that he not only has cheated on his taxes, but that the forms would reveal how little he actually has in income. As it turns out, that is partially correct.

Although Trump has made a fortune selling his name and branding buildings, it was also recently discovered that the world’s most powerful leader is completely and totally flat broke.

“The President has a rather extreme, but somewhat relatable addiction to buying and collecting movies,” said a source from inside the White House. “I know that seems kind of bizarre, but Trump is like a big man-child, and his love of movies is vast. He has dedicated an entire wing of the White House to his DVD and Blu-ray collection. He has approximately 89,000 movies. It’s a full time job for a team of 3 people to organize and alphabetize his collection.”

According to the source, Trump spends nearly $30 million a year on his movie collection, and lately that number has increased, as he spends more and more on high-priced, out of print collectible copies, and on newer and more expensive titles, such as those that are being released in 4K high definition. For someone who was reportedly worth billions only a decade ago, the collection has slowly killed his net worth.

“The President has a problem, and it’s coming to a point where someone needs to have an intervention with him, but no one knows how,” said the source. “He’s out of control. On Black Friday, where sales are at their best, he went out and bought almost 100 new movies in one day. Then, just because that kick-started the buying bug, he ordered another 270 movies on Cyber Monday. The guy has a problem, and it’s killing us all.”

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Best Buy Posts Record-High Deaths During Black Friday Sales; ‘Best We’ve Ever Done’ Says CEO

bfriday

DELUTH, Mississippi – 

Best Buy Inc., the nation’s largest electronics retailer that hasn’t yet succumbed to Amazon, posted record high deaths during their annual Black Friday sales this morning. CEO Mark Chambers noted that in all of the company’s 1200 stores, there was at least one death, with several stores having multiple people die during the event.

“The Austin, Texas store, which came in last place in 2016 with only 1 death, skyrocketed to first place this year,” said Chambers. “Store 2118  right in downtown Austin had a staggering 23 deaths this year, and we couldn’t be more proud. They had 13 people trampled, 6 were shot, 3 had heart attacks, and 1 was stabbed in the neck for the last blu-ray copy of Wonder Woman. It is truly an amazing feat.”

Walmart also posted high numbers of deaths and injuries this year, although they were down from 2016, where the company saw 1,884 deaths, including 28 employees.

“Employee death is something we have yet to achieve, but we think we’ll get there,” said Chambers. “Walmart really knows how to get things done. We’re learning a lot from them.”

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New Poll Shows People Trust Flint, MI Tap Water More Than They Trust President Trump

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

A new survey released today from the prestigious Harvard College of Detroit shows that residents across the state rated Flint tap water higher on the ‘Trustworthiness’ scale than current President Donald Trump. In the study, they found that Trump only was able to score a 14%, while Flint tap water scored a surprising 49%.

“Well, what do you expect?” said Michigan resident Duke Henry. “Thanks to the tap water in Flint, we’re really, really good at smelling shit. We know when something isn’t right. I can’t see through the tap water here, but I can see right through that Cheeto, and all of his lies.”

Resident Shirley Tanner agrees. “At some point you have to stop blaming the water for the fact your kids are dumb and lazy,” she said. “I would trust a fart after a Taco Bell run more than I’d ever trust President Trump.”

Other findings from the study were also critical of Trump’s trustworthiness. “Donald Trump’s lies affect brain development, in both children and adults, but especially those active on the internet,” said Dr. Miles Teller, who conducted the study. “Exposure to Trump’s falsehoods can also cause, among other things, full-blown retardation in those exposed for long periods of time. The neurological and behavioral effects of his lies are believed to be irreversible.”

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