Faux Report

Multiple People Hospitalized, Several Arrested During ‘Rush Limbaugh Has Cancer’ Celebration in Boston

BOSTON, MA

Over a dozen people were hospitalized and 11 people were arrested after a massive celebration broke out in the streets of Boston on Friday.

Last week, conservative dickbag Rush Limbaugh announced he had late-stage lung cancer, and liberals across the country let out a massive cheer. In Boston, a public celebration took place during the afternoon on Friday, with an estimated 35,000 people in attendance outside of Fenway Park.

“When I heard that Rush was going to die, I couldn’t wait to celebrate,” said Rick Baker, 39, of Boston. “If there were ever a more worthless, piece of shit, talking head on radio and TV, I don’t know who it is. I heard about the party on the radio Friday morning, called out of work, and headed down to the park  to party.”

Boston Police Department say that the gathering was not authorized, but they caught wind of the party on social media, and were able to send a “significant number of police officers” to the area to keep things under control.

“We were able to keep things really under control under the conservative protestors showed up,” said Boston Police Chief Frank R. Green. “The people who were there to enjoy the celebration were great. Unfortunately, some Rush supporters spoiled the fun. In the end, we arrested multiple people and our police forces had to, sadly, beat down many protestors who did not listen to directions to vacate the area.”

Green said that none of the “Rushers” had life-threatening injuries, and that most would be out of the  hospital within a few days.

“Next time, perhaps these people will listen,” said Green. “If a group of people want to celebrate the inevitable death of a world class piece of shit, we will support that. If you want to get in the way of that, we will ensure that you’re dealt with accordingly.”

Rush Limbaugh, who for some stupid reason received the Presidential Medal of Freedom last week, ensuring that it is now 100% meaningless, could not be reached for comment.

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Faux Report

Trump To Host Massive ‘I Beat Impeachment’ Party at White House This Weekend

WASHINGTON, D.C. 

President Trump has decided to throw a massive “I Beat Impeachment” party at the White House, which is slated to kickoff around 6PM on Saturday, with plans to run until the early morning hours on Monday.

“This is going to be the biggest, and best event that the White House has ever seen,” said President Trump. “When you’re the best, you want to have the best parties, and invite the best celebrities, and it’s going to be huge. Just huge. I’m very excited to have people join me for this mega-rager.”

Trump went on to say that several celebrity guests were scheduled to appear, including Eli Manning, Rush Limbaugh, Ted Nugent, and a “variety of Playboy Playmates” from the last several years.

“Oh man, the amount of planning this has taken is immense,” said a White House staffer who preferred to stay anonymous. “When the President parties, it’s a big deal. We need to include a barrage of cocaine and alcohol to keep the guests happy, and I’ll tell you right now – if you think the impeachment was a waste of taxpayer money, the cost of this party is going to put that to shame.”

Musical guests scheduled to perform include Kanye West, Dire Straits, and The Jesus and Mary Chain.

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Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, June 4, 2018

North Korea inches further and further toward talks with the US. China fears this. If Kim Jong-Un get in the same room as the man who wrote The Art of the Deal, North Korea could become a stronger ally to the US than even South Korea overnight. That would likely lead to a quick reunification of the Korean Peninsula, as well as other shifts in power, even before any alliance might be formalized. But, Trump's deal-making reputation should bring no shocks to what is about to transpire in the Singapore Summit.

Then, there's China, about to be left behind. The hardline crackdown on free speech throughout China won't be without consequence. Symphony has been saying so for years; Albert Ho effectively said the same, quoted in a Bloomberg article dated June 4. Party power is getting brittle. But, the consequences of brutal brittality are rarely explored. So, here goes.

Hong Kong won't shut up anytime soon. The whining, whimpering bratty students of Hong Kong may be wrong to demand rights when freedom was largely handed to them by the British. But, those bratty students sure are drawing a press load of attention to China. That alone should be a heavy factor in logistics calculation. Hong Kong is a megaphone for any anti-China sentiment because the world reads about Hong Kong every day. After all, Hong Kong is "Asia's World City".

But, then there's the problem of cracking down within "China proper", the Mainland governed directly by Beijing, not a SAR like Hong Kong or Macau. If China considers friendly sarcasm to be a threat within China—that means tech companies and hardware manufacturers won't have candid conversations about quality control and competitive design. Once free speech becomes a minefield, people will divert mental resources away from fee and open brainstorming toward making sure that they don't say anything offensive. The key to good brainstorm sessions and innovation is that nothing is off the table and no one is allowed to take offense at anything whatsoever. That's can't happen in China anymore. Bye-bye Western manufacturing paradise. It's only a matter of time before Western outsourcing brands figure it out. One little story, like an innovator being locked up for a tech suggestion because it was interpreted as "opposing to the Party", might plunge Chinese factory stocks into the void below.

"Single-Party Rule" is the key topic now, at least according to Western papers. That's the protest mantra in Hong Kong. It's the talking point of headlines and marches. It is the so-called "problem" as is being presented to the world. The Western press is on a path for reporting a narrative that stirs sentiment for two-party rule in China. Whether it's a typhoon, an earthquake, a solar flare, or some other "act of God", if China suddenly adopts a two-party system, Western newspaper readers will have already been prepped to think it is a good thing.

Then, there's Vietnam, exploring foreign investment "zones". Deserved or unfair, distrust is stirring against China as a place of investment. This will have a double-edged effect in Vietnam. Firstly, Western manufacturing will flock to Vietnam as a way of fleeing the newspaper villain, China. But, with a Communist Party having total rule in Vietnam, Western investors will demand certain assurances before dumping too much money into yet another single-party market. Sooner or later, we could be looking at Vietnam adopting a friendly two-party system as a stronger strategy of competing with China. That will only add to the momentum of change in East Asia.

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Faux Report

Sean Spicer Celebrates Quitting Job By Throwing Massive Party – Over 30 People Arrested, $3 Million In Damages

spicer

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Sean Spicer celebrated being out from under Donald Trump’s stupid thumb by throwing a massive rager of a party at a rented home in Washington, D.C., where he invited nearly the entire city.

“Oh man, that job was way harder than I ever thought it might be,” said Spicer. “I mean, normally, the President doesn’t speak out of his ass, and just say the most goddamn stupid shit every second of every day. You know how hard it is to continue covering for that all the time – answering legit questions from the press about the President’s idiocy? I mean come on. Fucking Covfefe? Ugh.”

Spicer said he was so relieved to be able to quit and move on in his career that he wanted to throw a massive party. Everyone who worked, lived, or partied in Washington was there, and in the end, police had to break up the place.

“The party was at a D.C. mansion in the hills, rented, of course. The homeowner says there is more than $3 million in damages,” said D.C. police chief Mario Miller. “We made 36 arrests, mostly drunk and disorderly, drugs, and prostitution.”

Miller said that Spicer will not be charged in the raucous nature of the party.

“That guy has been through enough in the last 6 months working for Trump, I’m not going to add any shit on his plate right now. Let him relax,” said Miller.

 

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Faux Report

Mother Names Baby ‘Roofie’ After How She Became Impregnated

baby

KEENE, Louisiana –

A new mother has reportedly named her son Roofie after she was apparently drugged and raped during a party. The woman, Felicia Gregory, says that during a visit to Boston College last May, she was drugged and impregnated, but that she “wouldn’t change any of it.”

“Yes, I was roofied while at a party, and that’s why I named my son Roofie,” said Gregory, 23. “He may have been born out of wedlock, which I never would have asked for. He may have born born of rape, which I never would have asked for. And he may be the by product of any one of the 17 men who had sex with me that night, which I never would have asked for, but I’m still so glad he’s mine.”

Gregory says that she never told anyone except a few close friends what happened, because she didn’t think anyone would believer her. When the baby was born, doctors were surprised that she would choose such a controversial name.

“I was originally going to just name him Rape Baby, but I thought the point might be a little to straight forward, so this was second best,” said Gregory. “My son will always be special to me, and Roofie Jesus Gregory is the love of my life.”

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