Letters

Jesus and Intercessors


I woke up thinking this morning about how Jesus interacted with folks.

As I was wandering towards wakefulness, I was praying for some folks in my mind, silently. That’s a little unusual for me; I usually pray out loud (it keeps my mind from wandering) and while I’m walking (it keeps me from drifting off).

But I was still snuggled in my bed, two-thirds asleep, so I wasn’t walking anywhere and I wasn’t yet able to speak out loud. I was just remembering a few folks before God, asking his blessing, very specific blessings, on them.

For some of them, I’m asking for healing. Fairly often when I’m praying for healing, I reflect on how the Great Physician did his healing, cuz I want to be more like him.

And I realized that when Jesus was on Earth, he didn’t real often respond to silent prayers, unspoken requests. In fact, there are only a couple of stories where that could maybe have been what he was responding to, but even then, that’s only a guess: the text doesn’t say that. (Consider Luke 7:13 & John 5:6.)

And even in those situations, he interacted with the folks before wielding power on their behalf. This wasn’t an anonymous, drive-by intercession.

The vast majority of times, Jesus was responding to people face-to-face, to passionate people. Often tears were involved. Most (but significantly, not all) of the time, Jesus responded to people who came to him, who interrupted his day, and even then, he sometimes grilled them on what it was that they really wanted (as in Mark 10:51). Specificity, apparently, is good.

It appears that Jesus wanted folks to come to him; maybe it’s my imagination as I read the stories, but it looks to me like he seemed to enjoy the audacious ones (like Mark 2:4 & 10:48).

I observe that Jesus sometimes went way the heck out of his way with the apparent intent of making himself available to be interrupted by people’s passionate petitions (Mark 7:24 & Luke 19:5).

I also observe that Jesus never turned a single person away who had come to him for healing, even when it resulted in delaying his ministry to someone else (as in Matthew 9:20); he stopped for the one, and then went on about the task after fully responding to the interruption, even though it was now a “bigger” job (Mark 5:36).

And then there’s that time that Jesus heard about the need, and did nothing for a couple of days. (John 11:6. Note that the message said, “Lazarus is sick,” but it had taken several days to get the message to Jesus: by the time word reached Jesus, Lazarus was already dead. Jesus waited to respond so that he could be raised after “four days,” a thing that had not been done before.)

I learn from this story that Jesus doesn’t always answer prayers real quickly, and yeah, sometimes things get worse while I’m waiting for that answer. That’s never comfortable, for me or for him (John 11:35).

The conclusion I came to, as I drifted awake, was that Jesus pretty consistently responded to people getting his attention and asking for something. He didn’t generally just see the need and make it happen, and he didn’t appear to respond to polite, delicate, or hidden prayers from comfy places.



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Faux Report

Cadbury Accused of ‘Crapping All Over’ Easter

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LONDON, England –

Easter marks the beginning of spring where chickens lay eggs and millions consume Cadbury eggs. The company-sponsored eater egg hunt is one of the biggest int he world, and many religious groups gathered to protest the celebration they claim has “gone all to Hell.”

Over 300,000 children attended this year’s hunt, held in over 250 locations across the UK. Instead of calling it the “Easter Egg Trail” like in years past, the event was called “Great British Egg Hunt.”

The Church of England released a statement saying the Cadbury is “Taking a flaming steamer on Easter, on Jesus, and British decency.” Many plan to “defend God and Easter” by complaining to anyone who will listen, but still allowing their children to take part in the festivities.

Some claim homosexual leadership at Cadbury is to blame. “All those flamers in charge of the celebration want to take out all the Lord and leave all the flamboyancy. It is a disgrace. The next generations going to be a bunch of Elton Johns, you mark my words,” said Parker Wood, a chimneysweep and concerned citizen on the street.

Cadbury spokesperson Maxwell Wancheur says they never meant to offend anyone. “The Cadbury Bunny only cares about chocolate the innocence of childhood, and well…cash.” Many feel that those who are offended by the name change are over-reacting, as bunnies and eggs are remnants of pagan traditions, and have nothing to do with Jesus anyway.

Wiccan mother of three, Clara Potter, says she will bring her kids to the festival every year no matter what they call it. “It comes down to one thing: free candy.”

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Faux Report

Confirmed: 2017 Is The Year Jesus Returns To Earth

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WASHINGTON, D.C.  – 

After centuries of speculation, Empire News can confirm that 2017 will be the year that Jesus finally returns to Earth.

Many of his followers have been waiting a lifetime for this event, and it seems it will be happening on January 1st.

“After a long 2016 filled with some of the most horrible things to ever happen, including Trump getting elected and the death of so many icons like David Bowie and Prince, Jesus Christ has decided that 2017 will be the year he returns to put right the things that have gone wrong,” said Jesus’ spokesman Joseph Moore.

Moore says that Jesus has been preparing his comeback tour for quite some time, but could not find a reason that people really and truly needed him to come back.

“Now that the world is turning upside down, he sees the time is right for his return,” said Moore. “Watch for a sign on January 1st. He says that the Times Square event will be one to remember, for sure.”

 

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Faux Report

Mom Says Her Baby Is Reincarnation Of Jesus After Seeing Image Of Savior In Dirty Diaper

SANTA VALARTE, Mexico – 

Mary Flores claims Christ is born again, and it is her baby. She claims she has seen the sign of the Lord in her son’s dirty diaper. She immediately Snapchatted the cross of poo she found in her son’s diaper, where all her contacts proclaimed it a miracle. She has preserved the diaper in a display case, welcoming those who want to see the miracle.

Flores says, “I expect many will make a pilgrimage. Bring me gifts – I mean for my son. They will bring gifts to the baby Jesus.”

According to Flores, her first name is no coincidence. “God whispered the name Mary in my mother’s ear for a reason. He had a plan for me.”

The diaper has not yet been evaluated by anyone from the Vatican, but Flores hopes to have the Pope bless the poop.

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Mother Names Baby ‘Roofie’ After How She Became Impregnated

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KEENE, Louisiana –

A new mother has reportedly named her son Roofie after she was apparently drugged and raped during a party. The woman, Felicia Gregory, says that during a visit to Boston College last May, she was drugged and impregnated, but that she “wouldn’t change any of it.”

“Yes, I was roofied while at a party, and that’s why I named my son Roofie,” said Gregory, 23. “He may have been born out of wedlock, which I never would have asked for. He may have born born of rape, which I never would have asked for. And he may be the by product of any one of the 17 men who had sex with me that night, which I never would have asked for, but I’m still so glad he’s mine.”

Gregory says that she never told anyone except a few close friends what happened, because she didn’t think anyone would believer her. When the baby was born, doctors were surprised that she would choose such a controversial name.

“I was originally going to just name him Rape Baby, but I thought the point might be a little to straight forward, so this was second best,” said Gregory. “My son will always be special to me, and Roofie Jesus Gregory is the love of my life.”

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Religious Groups Praise ‘Krampus’ Movie, Say It ‘Puts Jesus Back Into People’s Lives’

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Several religious groups, mostly sponsored by the Catholic church, have said that they are “extremely happy” with the new film Krampus, which opened this past week in theatres around the country. Based around an old legend about an evil entity that kidnaps bad children at Christmastime, Krampus is a movie that religious groups say “puts Jesus back into people’s lives.”

“Oh yes, once you see Krampus, you will come running back to Jesus,” said Mary Joseph of the Church of Sacred Hearts in Huntsville, Alabama. “I took my entire family to see it, all the children. They screamed, cried, and were scared to death. The great thing is, afterwards, they all wanted to go to church with me. They all ran back to Jesus.”

Film executives say that they are “very happy” that Christian and Catholic groups, who normally spit on their horror-centric films, are pleased with the latest feature.

“To be honest, we were just making a scary movie, but if Catholics want to run out and see it, more power to them. It’s more money in our pockets,” said one executive. “Frankly, any time they’re not shunning our movie, the better. If this works for them, I’ll just greenlight a whole slew of Krampus films. What do I care?”

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