Faux Report

Only Hours After Announcing Separation from Lisa Bonet, Actor Jason Momoa Photographed Holding Hands with SNL’s Pete Davidson

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Only a few hours after publicly announcing that he would be divorcing wife Lisa Bonet, superstar actor Jason Momoa (Aquaman) was photographed leaving a club in New York City with SNL cast member and comedian Pete Davidson.

Momoa and Bonet had been together for over 16 years, but didn’t marry until 2017. The couple announced an amicable split on social media which immediately was picked up by the AP, but nobody thought they’d see Momoa out with anyone new quite so soon. Davidson, who has been romantically linked to nearly every woman on the planet, most recently Kim Kardashian, has reportedly swooped in quickly to get in on Momoa’s hunky, manly body.

“The dude is fucking awesome in Aquaman,” Davidson told a reporter for TMZ. “I’ve never felt super into dudes, but one look at Jason with his shirt off throughout the entire runtime of that movie, and I challenge any man not to get erect. It’s just not possible.”

Davidson is known for his whirlwind relationships, and friends of Momoa are already concerned for his well-being.

“Jason is one big, badass dude,” said friend Timothée Chalamet, who recently starred in the epic film DUNE with Momoa. “Nobody is saying that Jason can’t take care of himself, but on the inside he’s a big soft teddy bear, and I just hope that Pete doesn’t screw around with his feelings.”

Momoa and his reps could not be reached for comment. According to sources, his ex Lisa Bonet – best known for her role as Denise Huxtable on The Cosby Show – is “completely broken up” about Momoa being seen out so soon with someone new.

“She knew he’d eventually start seeing someone else, but didn’t know it would be this fast,” said a friend of Bonet’s who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, Jason could have any woman on this planet, and Lisa knows that. Hell, God knows I’ve jilled-off to thoughts of him before. So Lisa expected someone to come along eventually, but I think we’re all surprised that it’s Pete Fucking Davidson.”

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Faux Report

Only Hours After Announcing Separation from Lisa Bonet, Actor Jason Momoa Photographed Holding Hands with SNL’s Pete Davidson

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Only a few hours after publicly announcing that he would be divorcing wife Lisa Bonet, superstar actor Jason Momoa (Aquaman) was photographed leaving a club in New York City with SNL cast member and comedian Pete Davidson.

Momoa and Bonet had been together for over 16 years, but didn’t marry until 2017. The couple announced an amicable split on social media which immediately was picked up by the AP, but nobody thought they’d see Momoa out with anyone new quite so soon. Davidson, who has been romantically linked to nearly every woman on the planet, most recently Kim Kardashian, has reportedly swooped in quickly to get in on Momoa’s hunky, manly body.

“The dude is fucking awesome in Aquaman,” Davidson told a reporter for TMZ. “I’ve never felt super into dudes, but one look at Jason with his shirt off throughout the entire runtime of that movie, and I challenge any man not to get erect. It’s just not possible.”

Davidson is known for his whirlwind relationships, and friends of Momoa are already concerned for his well-being.

“Jason is one big, badass dude,” said friend Timothée Chalamet, who recently starred in the epic film DUNE with Momoa. “Nobody is saying that Jason can’t take care of himself, but on the inside he’s a big soft teddy bear, and I just hope that Pete doesn’t screw around with his feelings.”

Momoa and his reps could not be reached for comment. According to sources, his ex Lisa Bonet – best known for her role as Denise Huxtable on The Cosby Show – is “completely broken up” about Momoa being seen out so soon with someone new.

“She knew he’d eventually start seeing someone else, but didn’t know it would be this fast,” said a friend of Bonet’s who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, Jason could have any woman on this planet, and Lisa knows that. Hell, God knows I’ve jilled-off to thoughts of him before. So Lisa expected someone to come along eventually, but I think we’re all surprised that it’s Pete Fucking Davidson.”

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Faux Report

Former President Trump Calls Kyle Rittenhouse a ‘Modern-Day Hero’ In Leaked Private Recordings

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A leaked private recording was recently obtained exclusively by Empire News, wherein former President Donald Trump directly refers to recently acquitted teenage gunman Kyle Rittenhouse as a ‘Modern Day Hero.’

“Mr. Ex-President is, naturally, very excited about this outcome,” says an anonymous source. “He loves Kyle, and has consistently been referring to the teen as a ‘modern day hero’ after what happened in Wisconsin.”

Publicly, President Joe Biden has been very avoidant of commenting too heavily on his feelings about Kyle Rittenhouse’s arrest and subsequent trial. When Rittenhouse was acquitted last week, the Biden administration issued a statement simply acknowledging that “the jury system works, and we have to abide by it,” hinting heavily that he didn’t agree with the verdict. But Trump has been pushing in the exact opposite direction.

“Oh man, Mr. Ex-President is jumping for joy over this outcome,” says an anonymous source who works for Trump. “He threw a huge party the night of the verdict. It was like a birthday party for a deranged toddler – there were pony rides and balloons and cupcakes featuring little automatic rifles drawn in frosting. He even set up a ‘pin the tail on the looter’ section, with giant pictures of African American rioters hung on the wall, and blindfolded guests trying to stick them with giant pins. Of course, Trump fell asleep about 45 minutes into the party, but we still had a blast regardless. Kid Rock played. It was kind of wild.”

Another source claims that Trump and Rittenhouse have actually been texting each other since the verdict, bonding over their love for misplaced violence, a completely corrupt and failing justice system, and their mutual disregard for African Americans.

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Faux Report

Kraft Foods To Re-Brand ‘Kool-Aid Man’ Mascot to ‘Kool-Aid Person’ After Pressure From Left-Wing Groups

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Kraft Food Holdings, the parent company behind Kool-Aid Brands, has announced that their long-stand mascot, The Kool-Aid Man, will be modified to be the Kool-Aid Person starting early next year.

Extended pressure from left-wing groups, including The People’s Inclusion Group and Folks Against Transphobia have forced Kraft to retire their longtime mascot in favor of a more “progressive” and “politically correct” character.

“The Kool-Aid Man has been a staple of our brand since the 1950s, and we thought he’d be here for the long haul,” said Kraft spokesman Ruby Sugar. “Of course, when he was created back then, the world was a different place, and we never thought we’d have to make a judgement call about the fictional gender of a fictional mascot.”

The company said that the typical giant pitcher filled with red liquid would continue to look functionally the same, but that the character would also now appear sometimes in a dress, or with more “feminine” features, or will appear with other liquid colors, such as pink or purple – but will keep the same ‘OH YEAH!’ catchphrase it has always used.

“We are still going to keep it a pitcher of course, and we are still going to have it busting through walls,” said Sugar. “Of course, whenever we show the brick walls busting, that version of Kool-Aid Person will still have the more ‘masculine’ features, as it wouldn’t be as believable for a more feminine pitcher to be shattering through solid walls. Women aren’t usually strong enough for that.”

The change is expected in late Q1 of next year. Food collectors are already scrambling to get their hands on current packages displaying the Kool-Aid Man before the switch.

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Faux Report

Former President Trump Calls Kyle Rittenhouse a ‘Modern-Day Hero’ In Leaked Private Recordings

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A leaked private recording was recently obtained exclusively by Empire News, wherein former President Donald Trump directly refers to recently acquitted teenage gunman Kyle Rittenhouse as a ‘Modern Day Hero.’

“Mr. Ex-President is, naturally, very excited about this outcome,” says an anonymous source. “He loves Kyle, and has consistently been referring to the teen as a ‘modern day hero’ after what happened in Wisconsin.”

Publicly, President Joe Biden has been very avoidant of commenting too heavily on his feelings about Kyle Rittenhouse’s arrest and subsequent trial. When Rittenhouse was acquitted last week, the Biden administration issued a statement simply acknowledging that “the jury system works, and we have to abide by it,” hinting heavily that he didn’t agree with the verdict. But Trump has been pushing in the exact opposite direction.

“Oh man, Mr. Ex-President is jumping for joy over this outcome,” says an anonymous source who works for Trump. “He threw a huge party the night of the verdict. It was like a birthday party for a deranged toddler – there were pony rides and balloons and cupcakes featuring little automatic rifles drawn in frosting. He even set up a ‘pin the tail on the looter’ section, with giant pictures of African American rioters hung on the wall, and blindfolded guests trying to stick them with giant pins. Of course, Trump fell asleep about 45 minutes into the party, but we still had a blast regardless. Kid Rock played. It was kind of wild.”

Another source claims that Trump and Rittenhouse have actually been texting each other since the verdict, bonding over their love for misplaced violence, a completely corrupt and failing justice system, and their mutual disregard for African Americans.

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Faux Report

Kraft Foods To Re-Brand ‘Kool-Aid Man’ Mascot to ‘Kool-Aid Person’ After Pressure From Left-Wing Groups

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Kraft Food Holdings, the parent company behind Kool-Aid Brands, has announced that their long-stand mascot, The Kool-Aid Man, will be modified to be the Kool-Aid Person starting early next year.

Extended pressure from left-wing groups, including The People’s Inclusion Group and Folks Against Transphobia have forced Kraft to retire their longtime mascot in favor of a more “progressive” and “politically correct” character.

“The Kool-Aid Man has been a staple of our brand since the 1950s, and we thought he’d be here for the long haul,” said Kraft spokesman Ruby Sugar. “Of course, when he was created back then, the world was a different place, and we never thought we’d have to make a judgement call about the fictional gender of a fictional mascot.”

The company said that the typical giant pitcher filled with red liquid would continue to look functionally the same, but that the character would also now appear sometimes in a dress, or with more “feminine” features, or will appear with other liquid colors, such as pink or purple – but will keep the same ‘OH YEAH!’ catchphrase it has always used.

“We are still going to keep it a pitcher of course, and we are still going to have it busting through walls,” said Sugar. “Of course, whenever we show the brick walls busting, that version of Kool-Aid Person will still have the more ‘masculine’ features, as it wouldn’t be as believable for a more feminine pitcher to be shattering through solid walls. Women aren’t usually strong enough for that.”

The change is expected in late Q1 of next year. Food collectors are already scrambling to get their hands on current packages displaying the Kool-Aid Man before the switch.

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Faux Report

Multiple People Hospitalized, Several Arrested During ‘Rush Limbaugh Has Cancer’ Celebration in Boston

BOSTON, MA

Over a dozen people were hospitalized and 11 people were arrested after a massive celebration broke out in the streets of Boston on Friday.

Last week, conservative dickbag Rush Limbaugh announced he had late-stage lung cancer, and liberals across the country let out a massive cheer. In Boston, a public celebration took place during the afternoon on Friday, with an estimated 35,000 people in attendance outside of Fenway Park.

“When I heard that Rush was going to die, I couldn’t wait to celebrate,” said Rick Baker, 39, of Boston. “If there were ever a more worthless, piece of shit, talking head on radio and TV, I don’t know who it is. I heard about the party on the radio Friday morning, called out of work, and headed down to the park  to party.”

Boston Police Department say that the gathering was not authorized, but they caught wind of the party on social media, and were able to send a “significant number of police officers” to the area to keep things under control.

“We were able to keep things really under control under the conservative protestors showed up,” said Boston Police Chief Frank R. Green. “The people who were there to enjoy the celebration were great. Unfortunately, some Rush supporters spoiled the fun. In the end, we arrested multiple people and our police forces had to, sadly, beat down many protestors who did not listen to directions to vacate the area.”

Green said that none of the “Rushers” had life-threatening injuries, and that most would be out of the  hospital within a few days.

“Next time, perhaps these people will listen,” said Green. “If a group of people want to celebrate the inevitable death of a world class piece of shit, we will support that. If you want to get in the way of that, we will ensure that you’re dealt with accordingly.”

Rush Limbaugh, who for some stupid reason received the Presidential Medal of Freedom last week, ensuring that it is now 100% meaningless, could not be reached for comment.

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Faux Report

Trump To Host Massive ‘I Beat Impeachment’ Party at White House This Weekend

WASHINGTON, D.C. 

President Trump has decided to throw a massive “I Beat Impeachment” party at the White House, which is slated to kickoff around 6PM on Saturday, with plans to run until the early morning hours on Monday.

“This is going to be the biggest, and best event that the White House has ever seen,” said President Trump. “When you’re the best, you want to have the best parties, and invite the best celebrities, and it’s going to be huge. Just huge. I’m very excited to have people join me for this mega-rager.”

Trump went on to say that several celebrity guests were scheduled to appear, including Eli Manning, Rush Limbaugh, Ted Nugent, and a “variety of Playboy Playmates” from the last several years.

“Oh man, the amount of planning this has taken is immense,” said a White House staffer who preferred to stay anonymous. “When the President parties, it’s a big deal. We need to include a barrage of cocaine and alcohol to keep the guests happy, and I’ll tell you right now – if you think the impeachment was a waste of taxpayer money, the cost of this party is going to put that to shame.”

Musical guests scheduled to perform include Kanye West, Dire Straits, and The Jesus and Mary Chain.

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Faux Report

Multiple People Hospitalized, Several Arrested During ‘Rush Limbaugh Has Cancer’ Celebration in Boston

BOSTON, MA

Over a dozen people were hospitalized and 11 people were arrested after a massive celebration broke out in the streets of Boston on Friday.

Last week, conservative dickbag Rush Limbaugh announced he had late-stage lung cancer, and liberals across the country let out a massive cheer. In Boston, a public celebration took place during the afternoon on Friday, with an estimated 35,000 people in attendance outside of Fenway Park.

“When I heard that Rush was going to die, I couldn’t wait to celebrate,” said Rick Baker, 39, of Boston. “If there were ever a more worthless, piece of shit, talking head on radio and TV, I don’t know who it is. I heard about the party on the radio Friday morning, called out of work, and headed down to the park  to party.”

Boston Police Department say that the gathering was not authorized, but they caught wind of the party on social media, and were able to send a “significant number of police officers” to the area to keep things under control.

“We were able to keep things really under control under the conservative protestors showed up,” said Boston Police Chief Frank R. Green. “The people who were there to enjoy the celebration were great. Unfortunately, some Rush supporters spoiled the fun. In the end, we arrested multiple people and our police forces had to, sadly, beat down many protestors who did not listen to directions to vacate the area.”

Green said that none of the “Rushers” had life-threatening injuries, and that most would be out of the  hospital within a few days.

“Next time, perhaps these people will listen,” said Green. “If a group of people want to celebrate the inevitable death of a world class piece of shit, we will support that. If you want to get in the way of that, we will ensure that you’re dealt with accordingly.”

Rush Limbaugh, who for some stupid reason received the Presidential Medal of Freedom last week, ensuring that it is now 100% meaningless, could not be reached for comment.

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Faux Report

Trump To Host Massive ‘I Beat Impeachment’ Party at White House This Weekend

WASHINGTON, D.C. 

President Trump has decided to throw a massive “I Beat Impeachment” party at the White House, which is slated to kickoff around 6PM on Saturday, with plans to run until the early morning hours on Monday.

“This is going to be the biggest, and best event that the White House has ever seen,” said President Trump. “When you’re the best, you want to have the best parties, and invite the best celebrities, and it’s going to be huge. Just huge. I’m very excited to have people join me for this mega-rager.”

Trump went on to say that several celebrity guests were scheduled to appear, including Eli Manning, Rush Limbaugh, Ted Nugent, and a “variety of Playboy Playmates” from the last several years.

“Oh man, the amount of planning this has taken is immense,” said a White House staffer who preferred to stay anonymous. “When the President parties, it’s a big deal. We need to include a barrage of cocaine and alcohol to keep the guests happy, and I’ll tell you right now – if you think the impeachment was a waste of taxpayer money, the cost of this party is going to put that to shame.”

Musical guests scheduled to perform include Kanye West, Dire Straits, and The Jesus and Mary Chain.

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Faux Report

Parent Company of Corona Beer Sues China Over Bad Press During Their Coronavirus Scare

MEXICO CITY, Mexico – 

Anheuser-Busch InBev, the parent company of Corona brands of beer, has announced they are filing suit against the Chinese government, after the massive Coronavirus scare in that country has caused a mass panic and multiple deaths. AB InBev claims that the bad press of deaths, mixed with the satiric natures of internet memes connecting “coronavirus” with Corona beers has caused them a loss of tens of millions of dollars.

“Anheuser-Busch InBev feels that the Chinese government is solely responsible for putting the bad taste in people’s mouths regarding the name Corona,” said AB InBev spokesman Rick Barker. “The lack of their medical care, the lack of their preparation, has lead to a massive outbreak of the Coronavirus in China, and as such, has lead to a massive souring of our brand here in the United States.”

The lawsuit, which claims nearly $200 million in damages, was filed in a superior court in Beijing, and names several specific government officials and medical personnel.

“While Corona beer has never been particularly popular in the United States with anyone, outside of those who hate the taste of good beer so prefer swill that you have to add fruit to in order to drink it, but that’s not the point,” said Barker. “We are already feeling the pinch of this Coronavirus, and sales figures are dwindling daily. It’s only a matter of time before the connection becomes a total mixture of truth and reality, and people stop drinking Coronas all together because they think they’ll get sick from it. They will, but that’s because it’s garbage beer, not because it’s got any virus in it.”

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Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina-Scented Candle Is Reportedly Giving People Herpes in Their Nasal Passages

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been shilling garbage Goop products for years – items that have been proven multiple times to be a sham at best, and potentially life-threatening in their bad pseudoscience at worst. But her latest endeavor, Goop candles that smell like her former A-list vagina, have added a new treat for people dumb enough to buy it – the candles are giving people herpes in their nose.

Paltrow, perhaps best known for playing Robert Downey Jr.’s love interest, Pepper Potts, in the Iron Man films, has fallen to the levels of midnight pitchman over the last few years, and for some reason thought that selling candles scented specifically like her putrid pussy would be hot sellers. Somewhat confusingly, she appears to be right, as the candles are selling, but as they are made from the “natural juices” of Paltrow’s poon, they smell like her vagina, and are also causing people who burn the candle too long to contract herpes.

“I first noticed that I had a weird bump on the outside of my nose,” said Kirk Brown, who has estimated he’s spent around $2,000 on several hundreds of Paltrow’s candles. “I thought it was a pimple. It happens. After it got severe, and I started to feel the bumps in my nose, I went to the doctor. A test confirmed it was nose herpes. I didn’t even know it was possible!”

“I only burned one of her candles for a very short time,” said Melissa Rogers of Atlanta. “I got it as a gag gift from a co-worker at Christmastime. It smelled horrendous; like a cross between stale pee and the cheese you scrape out of an infected vagina. I was not a fan. I became less of a fan when it became clear that I was getting nose herpes. It’s hugely embarrassing.”

Multiple people say they have had similar experiences, and a lawyer has been contacted in at least one of the cases in hopes of a class-action suit. Reps for Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina could not be reached for comment.

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Faux Report

Parent Company of Corona Beer Sues China Over Bad Press During Their Coronavirus Scare

MEXICO CITY, Mexico – 

Anheuser-Busch InBev, the parent company of Corona brands of beer, has announced they are filing suit against the Chinese government, after the massive Coronavirus scare in that country has caused a mass panic and multiple deaths. AB InBev claims that the bad press of deaths, mixed with the satiric natures of internet memes connecting “coronavirus” with Corona beers has caused them a loss of tens of millions of dollars.

“Anheuser-Busch InBev feels that the Chinese government is solely responsible for putting the bad taste in people’s mouths regarding the name Corona,” said AB InBev spokesman Rick Barker. “The lack of their medical care, the lack of their preparation, has lead to a massive outbreak of the Coronavirus in China, and as such, has lead to a massive souring of our brand here in the United States.”

The lawsuit, which claims nearly $200 million in damages, was filed in a superior court in Beijing, and names several specific government officials and medical personnel.

“While Corona beer has never been particularly popular in the United States with anyone, outside of those who hate the taste of good beer so prefer swill that you have to add fruit to in order to drink it, but that’s not the point,” said Barker. “We are already feeling the pinch of this Coronavirus, and sales figures are dwindling daily. It’s only a matter of time before the connection becomes a total mixture of truth and reality, and people stop drinking Coronas all together because they think they’ll get sick from it. They will, but that’s because it’s garbage beer, not because it’s got any virus in it.”

Standard
Faux Report

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina-Scented Candle Is Reportedly Giving People Herpes in Their Nasal Passages

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been shilling garbage Goop products for years – items that have been proven multiple times to be a sham at best, and potentially life-threatening in their bad pseudoscience at worst. But her latest endeavor, Goop candles that smell like her former A-list vagina, have added a new treat for people dumb enough to buy it – the candles are giving people herpes in their nose.

Paltrow, perhaps best known for playing Robert Downey Jr.’s love interest, Pepper Potts, in the Iron Man films, has fallen to the levels of midnight pitchman over the last few years, and for some reason thought that selling candles scented specifically like her putrid pussy would be hot sellers. Somewhat confusingly, she appears to be right, as the candles are selling, but as they are made from the “natural juices” of Paltrow’s poon, they smell like her vagina, and are also causing people who burn the candle too long to contract herpes.

“I first noticed that I had a weird bump on the outside of my nose,” said Kirk Brown, who has estimated he’s spent around $2,000 on several hundreds of Paltrow’s candles. “I thought it was a pimple. It happens. After it got severe, and I started to feel the bumps in my nose, I went to the doctor. A test confirmed it was nose herpes. I didn’t even know it was possible!”

“I only burned one of her candles for a very short time,” said Melissa Rogers of Atlanta. “I got it as a gag gift from a co-worker at Christmastime. It smelled horrendous; like a cross between stale pee and the cheese you scrape out of an infected vagina. I was not a fan. I became less of a fan when it became clear that I was getting nose herpes. It’s hugely embarrassing.”

Multiple people say they have had similar experiences, and a lawyer has been contacted in at least one of the cases in hopes of a class-action suit. Reps for Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina could not be reached for comment.

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