Faux Report

Multiple People Hospitalized, Several Arrested During ‘Rush Limbaugh Has Cancer’ Celebration in Boston

BOSTON, MA

Over a dozen people were hospitalized and 11 people were arrested after a massive celebration broke out in the streets of Boston on Friday.

Last week, conservative dickbag Rush Limbaugh announced he had late-stage lung cancer, and liberals across the country let out a massive cheer. In Boston, a public celebration took place during the afternoon on Friday, with an estimated 35,000 people in attendance outside of Fenway Park.

“When I heard that Rush was going to die, I couldn’t wait to celebrate,” said Rick Baker, 39, of Boston. “If there were ever a more worthless, piece of shit, talking head on radio and TV, I don’t know who it is. I heard about the party on the radio Friday morning, called out of work, and headed down to the park  to party.”

Boston Police Department say that the gathering was not authorized, but they caught wind of the party on social media, and were able to send a “significant number of police officers” to the area to keep things under control.

“We were able to keep things really under control under the conservative protestors showed up,” said Boston Police Chief Frank R. Green. “The people who were there to enjoy the celebration were great. Unfortunately, some Rush supporters spoiled the fun. In the end, we arrested multiple people and our police forces had to, sadly, beat down many protestors who did not listen to directions to vacate the area.”

Green said that none of the “Rushers” had life-threatening injuries, and that most would be out of the  hospital within a few days.

“Next time, perhaps these people will listen,” said Green. “If a group of people want to celebrate the inevitable death of a world class piece of shit, we will support that. If you want to get in the way of that, we will ensure that you’re dealt with accordingly.”

Rush Limbaugh, who for some stupid reason received the Presidential Medal of Freedom last week, ensuring that it is now 100% meaningless, could not be reached for comment.

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Faux Report

Trump To Host Massive ‘I Beat Impeachment’ Party at White House This Weekend

WASHINGTON, D.C. 

President Trump has decided to throw a massive “I Beat Impeachment” party at the White House, which is slated to kickoff around 6PM on Saturday, with plans to run until the early morning hours on Monday.

“This is going to be the biggest, and best event that the White House has ever seen,” said President Trump. “When you’re the best, you want to have the best parties, and invite the best celebrities, and it’s going to be huge. Just huge. I’m very excited to have people join me for this mega-rager.”

Trump went on to say that several celebrity guests were scheduled to appear, including Eli Manning, Rush Limbaugh, Ted Nugent, and a “variety of Playboy Playmates” from the last several years.

“Oh man, the amount of planning this has taken is immense,” said a White House staffer who preferred to stay anonymous. “When the President parties, it’s a big deal. We need to include a barrage of cocaine and alcohol to keep the guests happy, and I’ll tell you right now – if you think the impeachment was a waste of taxpayer money, the cost of this party is going to put that to shame.”

Musical guests scheduled to perform include Kanye West, Dire Straits, and The Jesus and Mary Chain.

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Faux Report

Parent Company of Corona Beer Sues China Over Bad Press During Their Coronavirus Scare

MEXICO CITY, Mexico – 

Anheuser-Busch InBev, the parent company of Corona brands of beer, has announced they are filing suit against the Chinese government, after the massive Coronavirus scare in that country has caused a mass panic and multiple deaths. AB InBev claims that the bad press of deaths, mixed with the satiric natures of internet memes connecting “coronavirus” with Corona beers has caused them a loss of tens of millions of dollars.

“Anheuser-Busch InBev feels that the Chinese government is solely responsible for putting the bad taste in people’s mouths regarding the name Corona,” said AB InBev spokesman Rick Barker. “The lack of their medical care, the lack of their preparation, has lead to a massive outbreak of the Coronavirus in China, and as such, has lead to a massive souring of our brand here in the United States.”

The lawsuit, which claims nearly $200 million in damages, was filed in a superior court in Beijing, and names several specific government officials and medical personnel.

“While Corona beer has never been particularly popular in the United States with anyone, outside of those who hate the taste of good beer so prefer swill that you have to add fruit to in order to drink it, but that’s not the point,” said Barker. “We are already feeling the pinch of this Coronavirus, and sales figures are dwindling daily. It’s only a matter of time before the connection becomes a total mixture of truth and reality, and people stop drinking Coronas all together because they think they’ll get sick from it. They will, but that’s because it’s garbage beer, not because it’s got any virus in it.”

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Faux Report

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina-Scented Candle Is Reportedly Giving People Herpes in Their Nasal Passages

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been shilling garbage Goop products for years – items that have been proven multiple times to be a sham at best, and potentially life-threatening in their bad pseudoscience at worst. But her latest endeavor, Goop candles that smell like her former A-list vagina, have added a new treat for people dumb enough to buy it – the candles are giving people herpes in their nose.

Paltrow, perhaps best known for playing Robert Downey Jr.’s love interest, Pepper Potts, in the Iron Man films, has fallen to the levels of midnight pitchman over the last few years, and for some reason thought that selling candles scented specifically like her putrid pussy would be hot sellers. Somewhat confusingly, she appears to be right, as the candles are selling, but as they are made from the “natural juices” of Paltrow’s poon, they smell like her vagina, and are also causing people who burn the candle too long to contract herpes.

“I first noticed that I had a weird bump on the outside of my nose,” said Kirk Brown, who has estimated he’s spent around $2,000 on several hundreds of Paltrow’s candles. “I thought it was a pimple. It happens. After it got severe, and I started to feel the bumps in my nose, I went to the doctor. A test confirmed it was nose herpes. I didn’t even know it was possible!”

“I only burned one of her candles for a very short time,” said Melissa Rogers of Atlanta. “I got it as a gag gift from a co-worker at Christmastime. It smelled horrendous; like a cross between stale pee and the cheese you scrape out of an infected vagina. I was not a fan. I became less of a fan when it became clear that I was getting nose herpes. It’s hugely embarrassing.”

Multiple people say they have had similar experiences, and a lawyer has been contacted in at least one of the cases in hopes of a class-action suit. Reps for Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina could not be reached for comment.

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Michelle Obama Files For Divorce After Shocking Revelation; Barack Obama Admits: ‘I’m Gay!’

PHILADELPHIA, PA

Former President Barack Obama announced late last night that he had filed for divorce from his wife of 27 years, Michelle Obama, after he revealed a secret double life as a homosexual.

“It is with a bit of sadness and a whole lot of relief that I announce that Michelle and I have decided to separate, as I have admitted to her, as I’m doing now to the rest of the world, that I am a homosexual,” said Obama. “This may come as a shock to many, and anger others, but this is my personal business, and I would hope that everyone could respect my privacy at this time”

Representatives for Michelle Obama said that she and the former president would split amicably, and that Michelle herself was “not particularly shocked” by the revelation.

“We are very close, as close as two people could ever be, really,” said Michelle in a prepared statement. “I’ve known for many years about Barack’s secret life, and I fully support him in the direction that his life takes him. He was and is an incredible leader, a loving father and family man, and now he can go on to make some man very happy.”

Representatives for the Obama children, Malia and Sasha, could not be reached for comment, but their Facebook pages both were vacant of any comments on the split.

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Faux Report

Jeffrey Epstein Spotted Alive and Well in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

PUERTO VALLARTA, Mexico

Jeffrey Epstein, the man once thought capable of bringing down multiple governments with insider information about his immense pedophila ring and sex island, was reportedly seen alive in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico early this morning. A tourist visiting the area from Atlanta said they recognized him immediately.

“I was kind of shook, it was like seeing a ghost,” said the tourist, who wished to remain anonymous. “His murder – er, I mean, his suicide – was pretty much the biggest story of 2019 before it got swept away by the media. I’ve seen the guy’s face so many times on the news and on social media in memes, there’s no way I was mistaken.”

Another reported sighting of Epstein came only 3 hours later, and police were notified.

“Honestly, you’d think after they faked his death, he’d go somewhere a little more remote than a resort in Mexico,” said Carl Richards, who is vacationing in the area while going through a bitter divorce. “I came down here to relax and stop thinking about my bitch ex-wife, but now I think it’s time to go. If Epstein is here, and this news is breaking out, it won’t be long before the place is overrun with paparazzi.”

A single photo was taken by the anonymous person who first viewed Epstein as he exited a Puerto Vallarta hotel.

“I wanted to get closer, but I didn’t want to spook him,” said the source. “The picture is horrible, but I ended up walking right past him. It’s definitely Epstein.”

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Faux Report

BREAKING: President Trump Arrested Leaving Trump Tower in New York

NEW YORK CITY, NY – 

President Trump was arrested by the NYC Police Department while exiting his former residence at Trump Tower on Sunday morning, according to reports from the Associated Press.

Police Chief Mario Brann said that his officers were acting on an open warrant from 1998, when Trump allegedly struck a pedestrian while driving through the city, and left the scene. The pedestrian, whose name was not released, later died of their injuries.

“It is with great pleasure that I announce that we have taken President Donald Trump into custody for his role in the death of a young man in 1998,” said Chief Brann. “Mr. Trump is alleged to have killed the victim in a hit-and-run accident, for which he had never been charged. That changes today.”

Lawyers for President Trump say that the charges are “absolutely ridiculous” and “totally absurd.”

“There is no way that he was driving through the streets of New York and killed someone,” said Richard Moorehouse, a private attorney retained by the president. “President Trump cannot drive. The guy can barely navigate a golf course in a golf cart, you think he has ever learned to drive an actual car? He’s a total moron. Nobody would let him behind the wheel. If this accident occurred as they say, then we attest that Mr. Trump had a driver at the time, and he is not guilty of anything.”

“I’ve heard of people pleading insanity, but I’ve never heard of anyone pleading total idiocy to get out of a crime before,” said Chief Brann. “I am intrigued to see how this plays out. Either way, this gives everyone a break from Trump’s stupid goddamn tweets for a few hours.”

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Gizmo Files Lawsuit Against Disney Over ‘Baby Yoda’, Claims Company Stole His Likeness

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Gremlins star Gizmo has filed a lawsuit in a Los Angeles superior court against Disney over their latest viral property, “Baby Yoda,” also known as The Child, from the hit Disney+ series The Mandalorian. Gizmo claims that Disney stole his likeness when they created the cute, cuddly character.

“My client is clearly the basis for the new Disney character affectionately known as Baby Yoda, and designers at Disney knew exactly what they were doing when they developed The Child’s final form,” said lawyer Chris Dante, who is representing Gizmo. “We are seeking damages for the extreme distress, loss of work, and emotional turmoil that Baby Yoda has caused my client. I am confident we have a strong case.”

Lawyers for Disney could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous employee who works on The Mandalorian said that there were draft notes that indicated Disney executives “very much” wanted to have a new character that “was 50% Yoda, 50% Gizmo, and 100% adorable.”

Gizmo first rose to fame in 1984 with his starring role in the Christmas-themed horror film Gremilins. 

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Michelle Obama Officially Announces Her Candidacy for President

PHILADELPHIA, PA – 

Michelle Obama, the wife of former president Barack Obama, has announced that she will be running for president in the 2020 election.

“I know I’m a lot later than most people, but to be honest, there’s no reason to start running 2 years before the election,” said Michelle Obama from the family home in Philadelphia. “It’s much easier to wait until the ‘little people’ drop out, and we can see what’s left of the field. At this point, the field is pretty bland, so I’m going to come in and mow it down.”

Obama, who was highly involved in education and children’s health during her husband’s two terms, says that she plans to continue her advocacy for the young people of America.

“Kids are our future, and education and health are the most important things for the next generation,” said Obama. “I have no stance at all on foreign policy, taxes, abortion, religion, or literally anything else. My platform is the children, and between that and my name, I think I have a great shot of becoming the Democratic nominee, and our next president.”

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BREAKING: War With Iran Imminent; President Trump Reinstates Military Draft

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Earlier this week, President Trump illegally ordered the assassination of a top military general in Iran, Qasem Soleimani, prompting Iran to promise a swift revenge. In the imminent face of war with a powerful military in Iran, President Trump reinstated the United States draft, last used during the Vietnam Conflict.

“There are a lot of incredible, selfless American men and women who have been serving in the armed forces, some for many years, some still in basic training,” stated President Trump early this morning from the Oval Office. “These people, they need help. They need a lot of really, really big help, and we need to make sure they receive it. Reinstating the United States draft process is the easiest, and most logical answer.”

The draft process, which chooses young, American men at random to enlist in the armed forces, is something most people thought they would never see used again, but military officials agree with Trump that it’s the most efficient way to quickly build our military forces in the face of danger.

“When you anger another country by committing a blatant and completely illegal war crime, such as the case with our President’s attack in Iran, things heat up quickly, and action must be taken,” said Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. “We are ready to have our young men suit up and join our military forces, and the reinstatement of the draft will help immensely.”

“It’s about time these lazy millennials do something with their life other than eat Tide pods and watch YouTube videos,” said MAGA-hat wearing, Trump voter Carl Richards, 42, from Atlanta. “They could use the direction, the discipline, and should want to fight to protect our country from foreign invasion. It’s what I would have done when I was their age. Not doing it now, of course. Got myself some really tender soles, and I can’t walk for too long before my feet really start to hurt. If it wasn’t for that, I’d be out there signing up to shoot me some towelheads or whoever it is this time.”

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Cats Are Superior To Dogs In Every Way, New Study Conducted By Cat Scientists Confirms

BOSTON, Mowsachusetts –

A group of cat scientists in Boston say that they have come to the scientific conclusion that cats are better than dogs in “every conceivable way,” and that their research is to be published in the Feline Journal of Medicine in the October issue.

“See, when it comes to pets, people generally only have two choices,” said Dr. Mow Furball, a cat scientist at UCLA who lead the team in Boston. “They get a dog, or they get a cat. Yes, you can get birds or other animals as pets, but birds are bullshit, and you damn well know it. So the choice is clearly dog or cat.”

Dr. Furball says that although many people own dogs because they think they’re a better animal, the real answer has always been cat.

“You cannot possibly think a dog is better than a cat after you see our research,” said Dr. Fluffy McCaterstein. “Dogs need to be walked. You have to take them out every few hours on their own. You can’t leave them home for more than a day by themselves or they’ll eat the couch. Frankly, dogs are stupid. Cats on the other hand, are now scientifically proven to be better pets.”

The research conducted by the team is currently “classified,” but notes will be available in the journal’s release.

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Woman Gets Pregnant After Sleeping at Hotel With Dirty Sheets

MIAMI, Florida –

A woman in Florida says she got pregnant on a business trip to Boston last month, claiming that the hotel never changed the sheets on the bed, and there must have been “ejaculate” on them.

Penny Simon, 28, travelled to Boston for a sales convention, and said that the Hilton she stayed at was “super dirty,” and even though she complained, she thinks they didn’t change the sheets on her bed, and that semen left in the bed from a previous visitor got her pregnant.

“It’s crazy, really, and I feel so bad for her,” said Chris Simon, 29, Penny’s husband. “She’s very conflicted. We’re not an abortion household, but at the same time, the baby isn’t mine, and she’s saying she doesn’t know what to do. I really don’t want to raise another man’s child, but we’ve been trying for 4 years to get pregnant, and she hasn’t been able to. I will raise this baby as my own if that’s what God wants. I just hope the hotel knows that we are suing them for mental anguish. This is disgusting!”

Empire News spoke to Mary Rogers, who works the front desk at the Hilton in Boston where Penny stayed.

“The rooms are very clean, and this hotel was only a week old at the time the guest you mentioned stayed,” said Rogers. “No one had ever been in that room before. Although I was on staff the two nights Ms. Simon stayed here, and watched her bring up at least 3 different men from the hotel bar over the course of 4 hours, so if I had to guess how she got pregnant, I think that answers it.”

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A Pride Festival in Maine Turns Into Orgy After Protestor Drugs Food Truck

BANGOR, Maine –

A Pride festival in Bangor, Maine turned into an all out sex festival after a group of protestors slipped what police say was “highly potent” MDMA, or ecstasy, into the supply of the festival’s food truck.

“Thankfully, this was one of the smaller festivals in the state, and it was a 21+ event because of the alcohol being served,” said Police Chief Barry Lincoln. “That said, there were over 350 people who attended this Pride day, and every single one of them was involved in the massive group orgy.”

Even though the sexual debauchery was happening right out in the open in the middle of the town’s park, police said the only ones arrested were the protestors.

“We cannot very well arrest those who showed up looking for a good time at Pride, because they certainly had it,” said Chief Lincoln. “I know I certainly did, and that’s all I really want to say about that. The protestors, who stupidly admitted to their crimes on Facebook, were apprehended less than 24 hours later. We are still trying to track the source of their large quantity of drugs.”

 

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President Trump Set To Legalize Marijuana on a Federal Level

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump announced earlier this morning via Twitter that he would be legalizing marijuana on a federal level, which would automatically lift restrictions in every state, even those that have yet to set up legalization and retail options.

“At this point, there’s really no reason to continue classifying it as a Schedule 1 drug,” tweeted President Trump. “Everyone smokes it, or eats it in delicious little pastries and candies. Frankly, edibles are the only reason I can sleep at night myself. It’s been a long battle with wasted trillions of dollars, and I want it to stop.”

The President went on to say that the influx of tax revenue at the state and federal levels would be astronomical.

“Colorado can buy whatever they want, because it’s huge out there,” said Trump. “They can pay for education, healthcare, new roads, whatever. They can do that because of weed taxes. This is going to make the American people rich. Now we will be able to start building that wall!”

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