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Faux Report

Op-Ed: ‘Joe Biden Just Ruined My Anti-Biden Business’

Editor’s Note: This opinion piece was penned by a longtime Empire News reader, and submitted to our op-ed department.

In 2020 when our nation’s savior, Donald Trump, had the election stolen from him by ol’ Sleepy Joe, I was incensed. I voted for Trump. Everyone I know voted for Trump. It was clear that nobody had voted for Joe “Older than Dirt” Biden, and that this entire election process was a farce, and the nation was having the wool pulled over its eyes by a demonic Democratic left.

With that in mind, I did what any patriotic American nationalist would do, and I started an online business selling Anti-Biden merchandise. My best seller has always been the “F— Joe Biden” t-shirts with a picture of Biden’s ghost-like face being slapped by the mighty hand of President Donald J. Trump. But that’s not the only item I had in my store, not by a long shot. We sold “F— Biden” mugs, “F— Biden” hats, and even had a pretty decent seller in “F— Biden” teddy bears for the kids. I was really raking it in.

Had Biden continued his bid for re-election, I could have easily expected another 6 months of sales, at a minimum. When Trump takes office after this election, I could have even gotten another few months post-transfer of power, if Trump had beaten Biden. Now that is all thrown out the window. He’s not beating Biden anymore, and with his announcement about dropping from the race my sales have gone from over $175 a day down to literally zero. I’m sick over this.

I’ve already sunk tens of thousands of dollars into my “F— Biden” merchandise, and it’s not even possible for me to return it to the Chinese manufacturer who produced it for me. My simpleton of a wife suggested I just cross off Biden and write Harris, but that would be dumber than my decision to marry that bitch in the first place. If I wasn’t busy trying to find a lawyer to sue Joe Biden over dropping out and ruining my livelihood, I’d be looking for a good divorce attorney. But I digress…

Whenever someone says to me that Joe “The Jerk” Biden has helped build the economy up since Trump left office, I seethe to the point of drooling all over myself with anger. Yeah, Biden has done so much for the economy that he has literally killed my business. Good job, Joe, you piece of wrinkly old paper.

There’s clearly only one thing to do this November, and that’s not vote at all. No, that’s not a mistake. I mean I can’t vote for Trump again – he’s the oldest candidate in the history of the country, and he’s already been shot once. He’s not making it four years, and then we’d be stuck with that absolute bell-end of a baby, J.D. Vance as our president, and I’d rather slice open my own testicles and eat the innards than have that happen. We know I can’t vote for Harris, because she’s a black woman and even if her policies make sense in almost every instance, that goes against everything I stand for as a mostly-racist, white, Sunday Christian who works a blue collar job while wearing a red hat in middle America.

So thank, Joe Biden, you old ass bitch. You ruined my business, you ruined my country, and most of all, you’ve left me with $135,000 worth of “F— Joe Biden” teddy bears.

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Faux Report

Only Hours After Announcing Separation from Lisa Bonet, Actor Jason Momoa Photographed Holding Hands with SNL’s Pete Davidson

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Only a few hours after publicly announcing that he would be divorcing wife Lisa Bonet, superstar actor Jason Momoa (Aquaman) was photographed leaving a club in New York City with SNL cast member and comedian Pete Davidson.

Momoa and Bonet had been together for over 16 years, but didn’t marry until 2017. The couple announced an amicable split on social media which immediately was picked up by the AP, but nobody thought they’d see Momoa out with anyone new quite so soon. Davidson, who has been romantically linked to nearly every woman on the planet, most recently Kim Kardashian, has reportedly swooped in quickly to get in on Momoa’s hunky, manly body.

“The dude is fucking awesome in Aquaman,” Davidson told a reporter for TMZ. “I’ve never felt super into dudes, but one look at Jason with his shirt off throughout the entire runtime of that movie, and I challenge any man not to get erect. It’s just not possible.”

Davidson is known for his whirlwind relationships, and friends of Momoa are already concerned for his well-being.

“Jason is one big, badass dude,” said friend Timothée Chalamet, who recently starred in the epic film DUNE with Momoa. “Nobody is saying that Jason can’t take care of himself, but on the inside he’s a big soft teddy bear, and I just hope that Pete doesn’t screw around with his feelings.”

Momoa and his reps could not be reached for comment. According to sources, his ex Lisa Bonet – best known for her role as Denise Huxtable on The Cosby Show – is “completely broken up” about Momoa being seen out so soon with someone new.

“She knew he’d eventually start seeing someone else, but didn’t know it would be this fast,” said a friend of Bonet’s who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, Jason could have any woman on this planet, and Lisa knows that. Hell, God knows I’ve jilled-off to thoughts of him before. So Lisa expected someone to come along eventually, but I think we’re all surprised that it’s Pete Fucking Davidson.”

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Faux Report

Only Hours After Announcing Separation from Lisa Bonet, Actor Jason Momoa Photographed Holding Hands with SNL’s Pete Davidson

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Only a few hours after publicly announcing that he would be divorcing wife Lisa Bonet, superstar actor Jason Momoa (Aquaman) was photographed leaving a club in New York City with SNL cast member and comedian Pete Davidson.

Momoa and Bonet had been together for over 16 years, but didn’t marry until 2017. The couple announced an amicable split on social media which immediately was picked up by the AP, but nobody thought they’d see Momoa out with anyone new quite so soon. Davidson, who has been romantically linked to nearly every woman on the planet, most recently Kim Kardashian, has reportedly swooped in quickly to get in on Momoa’s hunky, manly body.

“The dude is fucking awesome in Aquaman,” Davidson told a reporter for TMZ. “I’ve never felt super into dudes, but one look at Jason with his shirt off throughout the entire runtime of that movie, and I challenge any man not to get erect. It’s just not possible.”

Davidson is known for his whirlwind relationships, and friends of Momoa are already concerned for his well-being.

“Jason is one big, badass dude,” said friend Timothée Chalamet, who recently starred in the epic film DUNE with Momoa. “Nobody is saying that Jason can’t take care of himself, but on the inside he’s a big soft teddy bear, and I just hope that Pete doesn’t screw around with his feelings.”

Momoa and his reps could not be reached for comment. According to sources, his ex Lisa Bonet – best known for her role as Denise Huxtable on The Cosby Show – is “completely broken up” about Momoa being seen out so soon with someone new.

“She knew he’d eventually start seeing someone else, but didn’t know it would be this fast,” said a friend of Bonet’s who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, Jason could have any woman on this planet, and Lisa knows that. Hell, God knows I’ve jilled-off to thoughts of him before. So Lisa expected someone to come along eventually, but I think we’re all surprised that it’s Pete Fucking Davidson.”

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Faux Report

Only Hours After Announcing Separation from Lisa Bonet, Actor Jason Momoa Photographed Holding Hands with SNL’s Pete Davidson

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Only a few hours after publicly announcing that he would be divorcing wife Lisa Bonet, superstar actor Jason Momoa (Aquaman) was photographed leaving a club in New York City with SNL cast member and comedian Pete Davidson.

Momoa and Bonet had been together for over 16 years, but didn’t marry until 2017. The couple announced an amicable split on social media which immediately was picked up by the AP, but nobody thought they’d see Momoa out with anyone new quite so soon. Davidson, who has been romantically linked to nearly every woman on the planet, most recently Kim Kardashian, has reportedly swooped in quickly to get in on Momoa’s hunky, manly body.

“The dude is fucking awesome in Aquaman,” Davidson told a reporter for TMZ. “I’ve never felt super into dudes, but one look at Jason with his shirt off throughout the entire runtime of that movie, and I challenge any man not to get erect. It’s just not possible.”

Davidson is known for his whirlwind relationships, and friends of Momoa are already concerned for his well-being.

“Jason is one big, badass dude,” said friend Timothée Chalamet, who recently starred in the epic film DUNE with Momoa. “Nobody is saying that Jason can’t take care of himself, but on the inside he’s a big soft teddy bear, and I just hope that Pete doesn’t screw around with his feelings.”

Momoa and his reps could not be reached for comment. According to sources, his ex Lisa Bonet – best known for her role as Denise Huxtable on The Cosby Show – is “completely broken up” about Momoa being seen out so soon with someone new.

“She knew he’d eventually start seeing someone else, but didn’t know it would be this fast,” said a friend of Bonet’s who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, Jason could have any woman on this planet, and Lisa knows that. Hell, God knows I’ve jilled-off to thoughts of him before. So Lisa expected someone to come along eventually, but I think we’re all surprised that it’s Pete Fucking Davidson.”

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Faux Report

Only Hours After Announcing Separation from Lisa Bonet, Actor Jason Momoa Photographed Holding Hands with SNL’s Pete Davidson

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Only a few hours after publicly announcing that he would be divorcing wife Lisa Bonet, superstar actor Jason Momoa (Aquaman) was photographed leaving a club in New York City with SNL cast member and comedian Pete Davidson.

Momoa and Bonet had been together for over 16 years, but didn’t marry until 2017. The couple announced an amicable split on social media which immediately was picked up by the AP, but nobody thought they’d see Momoa out with anyone new quite so soon. Davidson, who has been romantically linked to nearly every woman on the planet, most recently Kim Kardashian, has reportedly swooped in quickly to get in on Momoa’s hunky, manly body.

“The dude is fucking awesome in Aquaman,” Davidson told a reporter for TMZ. “I’ve never felt super into dudes, but one look at Jason with his shirt off throughout the entire runtime of that movie, and I challenge any man not to get erect. It’s just not possible.”

Davidson is known for his whirlwind relationships, and friends of Momoa are already concerned for his well-being.

“Jason is one big, badass dude,” said friend Timothée Chalamet, who recently starred in the epic film DUNE with Momoa. “Nobody is saying that Jason can’t take care of himself, but on the inside he’s a big soft teddy bear, and I just hope that Pete doesn’t screw around with his feelings.”

Momoa and his reps could not be reached for comment. According to sources, his ex Lisa Bonet – best known for her role as Denise Huxtable on The Cosby Show – is “completely broken up” about Momoa being seen out so soon with someone new.

“She knew he’d eventually start seeing someone else, but didn’t know it would be this fast,” said a friend of Bonet’s who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, Jason could have any woman on this planet, and Lisa knows that. Hell, God knows I’ve jilled-off to thoughts of him before. So Lisa expected someone to come along eventually, but I think we’re all surprised that it’s Pete Fucking Davidson.”

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Faux Report

Only Hours After Announcing Separation from Lisa Bonet, Actor Jason Momoa Photographed Holding Hands with SNL’s Pete Davidson

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Only a few hours after publicly announcing that he would be divorcing wife Lisa Bonet, superstar actor Jason Momoa (Aquaman) was photographed leaving a club in New York City with SNL cast member and comedian Pete Davidson.

Momoa and Bonet had been together for over 16 years, but didn’t marry until 2017. The couple announced an amicable split on social media which immediately was picked up by the AP, but nobody thought they’d see Momoa out with anyone new quite so soon. Davidson, who has been romantically linked to nearly every woman on the planet, most recently Kim Kardashian, has reportedly swooped in quickly to get in on Momoa’s hunky, manly body.

“The dude is fucking awesome in Aquaman,” Davidson told a reporter for TMZ. “I’ve never felt super into dudes, but one look at Jason with his shirt off throughout the entire runtime of that movie, and I challenge any man not to get erect. It’s just not possible.”

Davidson is known for his whirlwind relationships, and friends of Momoa are already concerned for his well-being.

“Jason is one big, badass dude,” said friend Timothée Chalamet, who recently starred in the epic film DUNE with Momoa. “Nobody is saying that Jason can’t take care of himself, but on the inside he’s a big soft teddy bear, and I just hope that Pete doesn’t screw around with his feelings.”

Momoa and his reps could not be reached for comment. According to sources, his ex Lisa Bonet – best known for her role as Denise Huxtable on The Cosby Show – is “completely broken up” about Momoa being seen out so soon with someone new.

“She knew he’d eventually start seeing someone else, but didn’t know it would be this fast,” said a friend of Bonet’s who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, Jason could have any woman on this planet, and Lisa knows that. Hell, God knows I’ve jilled-off to thoughts of him before. So Lisa expected someone to come along eventually, but I think we’re all surprised that it’s Pete Fucking Davidson.”

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Faux Report

Only Hours After Announcing Separation from Lisa Bonet, Actor Jason Momoa Photographed Holding Hands with SNL’s Pete Davidson

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Only a few hours after publicly announcing that he would be divorcing wife Lisa Bonet, superstar actor Jason Momoa (Aquaman) was photographed leaving a club in New York City with SNL cast member and comedian Pete Davidson.

Momoa and Bonet had been together for over 16 years, but didn’t marry until 2017. The couple announced an amicable split on social media which immediately was picked up by the AP, but nobody thought they’d see Momoa out with anyone new quite so soon. Davidson, who has been romantically linked to nearly every woman on the planet, most recently Kim Kardashian, has reportedly swooped in quickly to get in on Momoa’s hunky, manly body.

“The dude is fucking awesome in Aquaman,” Davidson told a reporter for TMZ. “I’ve never felt super into dudes, but one look at Jason with his shirt off throughout the entire runtime of that movie, and I challenge any man not to get erect. It’s just not possible.”

Davidson is known for his whirlwind relationships, and friends of Momoa are already concerned for his well-being.

“Jason is one big, badass dude,” said friend Timothée Chalamet, who recently starred in the epic film DUNE with Momoa. “Nobody is saying that Jason can’t take care of himself, but on the inside he’s a big soft teddy bear, and I just hope that Pete doesn’t screw around with his feelings.”

Momoa and his reps could not be reached for comment. According to sources, his ex Lisa Bonet – best known for her role as Denise Huxtable on The Cosby Show – is “completely broken up” about Momoa being seen out so soon with someone new.

“She knew he’d eventually start seeing someone else, but didn’t know it would be this fast,” said a friend of Bonet’s who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, Jason could have any woman on this planet, and Lisa knows that. Hell, God knows I’ve jilled-off to thoughts of him before. So Lisa expected someone to come along eventually, but I think we’re all surprised that it’s Pete Fucking Davidson.”

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Faux Report

Only Hours After Announcing Separation from Lisa Bonet, Actor Jason Momoa Photographed Holding Hands with SNL’s Pete Davidson

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Only a few hours after publicly announcing that he would be divorcing wife Lisa Bonet, superstar actor Jason Momoa (Aquaman) was photographed leaving a club in New York City with SNL cast member and comedian Pete Davidson.

Momoa and Bonet had been together for over 16 years, but didn’t marry until 2017. The couple announced an amicable split on social media which immediately was picked up by the AP, but nobody thought they’d see Momoa out with anyone new quite so soon. Davidson, who has been romantically linked to nearly every woman on the planet, most recently Kim Kardashian, has reportedly swooped in quickly to get in on Momoa’s hunky, manly body.

“The dude is fucking awesome in Aquaman,” Davidson told a reporter for TMZ. “I’ve never felt super into dudes, but one look at Jason with his shirt off throughout the entire runtime of that movie, and I challenge any man not to get erect. It’s just not possible.”

Davidson is known for his whirlwind relationships, and friends of Momoa are already concerned for his well-being.

“Jason is one big, badass dude,” said friend Timothée Chalamet, who recently starred in the epic film DUNE with Momoa. “Nobody is saying that Jason can’t take care of himself, but on the inside he’s a big soft teddy bear, and I just hope that Pete doesn’t screw around with his feelings.”

Momoa and his reps could not be reached for comment. According to sources, his ex Lisa Bonet – best known for her role as Denise Huxtable on The Cosby Show – is “completely broken up” about Momoa being seen out so soon with someone new.

“She knew he’d eventually start seeing someone else, but didn’t know it would be this fast,” said a friend of Bonet’s who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, Jason could have any woman on this planet, and Lisa knows that. Hell, God knows I’ve jilled-off to thoughts of him before. So Lisa expected someone to come along eventually, but I think we’re all surprised that it’s Pete Fucking Davidson.”

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Faux Report

Only Hours After Announcing Separation from Lisa Bonet, Actor Jason Momoa Photographed Holding Hands with SNL’s Pete Davidson

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Only a few hours after publicly announcing that he would be divorcing wife Lisa Bonet, superstar actor Jason Momoa (Aquaman) was photographed leaving a club in New York City with SNL cast member and comedian Pete Davidson.

Momoa and Bonet had been together for over 16 years, but didn’t marry until 2017. The couple announced an amicable split on social media which immediately was picked up by the AP, but nobody thought they’d see Momoa out with anyone new quite so soon. Davidson, who has been romantically linked to nearly every woman on the planet, most recently Kim Kardashian, has reportedly swooped in quickly to get in on Momoa’s hunky, manly body.

“The dude is fucking awesome in Aquaman,” Davidson told a reporter for TMZ. “I’ve never felt super into dudes, but one look at Jason with his shirt off throughout the entire runtime of that movie, and I challenge any man not to get erect. It’s just not possible.”

Davidson is known for his whirlwind relationships, and friends of Momoa are already concerned for his well-being.

“Jason is one big, badass dude,” said friend Timothée Chalamet, who recently starred in the epic film DUNE with Momoa. “Nobody is saying that Jason can’t take care of himself, but on the inside he’s a big soft teddy bear, and I just hope that Pete doesn’t screw around with his feelings.”

Momoa and his reps could not be reached for comment. According to sources, his ex Lisa Bonet – best known for her role as Denise Huxtable on The Cosby Show – is “completely broken up” about Momoa being seen out so soon with someone new.

“She knew he’d eventually start seeing someone else, but didn’t know it would be this fast,” said a friend of Bonet’s who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, Jason could have any woman on this planet, and Lisa knows that. Hell, God knows I’ve jilled-off to thoughts of him before. So Lisa expected someone to come along eventually, but I think we’re all surprised that it’s Pete Fucking Davidson.”

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Faux Report

Former President Trump Calls Kyle Rittenhouse a ‘Modern-Day Hero’ In Leaked Private Recordings

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A leaked private recording was recently obtained exclusively by Empire News, wherein former President Donald Trump directly refers to recently acquitted teenage gunman Kyle Rittenhouse as a ‘Modern Day Hero.’

“Mr. Ex-President is, naturally, very excited about this outcome,” says an anonymous source. “He loves Kyle, and has consistently been referring to the teen as a ‘modern day hero’ after what happened in Wisconsin.”

Publicly, President Joe Biden has been very avoidant of commenting too heavily on his feelings about Kyle Rittenhouse’s arrest and subsequent trial. When Rittenhouse was acquitted last week, the Biden administration issued a statement simply acknowledging that “the jury system works, and we have to abide by it,” hinting heavily that he didn’t agree with the verdict. But Trump has been pushing in the exact opposite direction.

“Oh man, Mr. Ex-President is jumping for joy over this outcome,” says an anonymous source who works for Trump. “He threw a huge party the night of the verdict. It was like a birthday party for a deranged toddler – there were pony rides and balloons and cupcakes featuring little automatic rifles drawn in frosting. He even set up a ‘pin the tail on the looter’ section, with giant pictures of African American rioters hung on the wall, and blindfolded guests trying to stick them with giant pins. Of course, Trump fell asleep about 45 minutes into the party, but we still had a blast regardless. Kid Rock played. It was kind of wild.”

Another source claims that Trump and Rittenhouse have actually been texting each other since the verdict, bonding over their love for misplaced violence, a completely corrupt and failing justice system, and their mutual disregard for African Americans.

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Faux Report

Former President Trump Calls Kyle Rittenhouse a ‘Modern-Day Hero’ In Leaked Private Recordings

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A leaked private recording was recently obtained exclusively by Empire News, wherein former President Donald Trump directly refers to recently acquitted teenage gunman Kyle Rittenhouse as a ‘Modern Day Hero.’

“Mr. Ex-President is, naturally, very excited about this outcome,” says an anonymous source. “He loves Kyle, and has consistently been referring to the teen as a ‘modern day hero’ after what happened in Wisconsin.”

Publicly, President Joe Biden has been very avoidant of commenting too heavily on his feelings about Kyle Rittenhouse’s arrest and subsequent trial. When Rittenhouse was acquitted last week, the Biden administration issued a statement simply acknowledging that “the jury system works, and we have to abide by it,” hinting heavily that he didn’t agree with the verdict. But Trump has been pushing in the exact opposite direction.

“Oh man, Mr. Ex-President is jumping for joy over this outcome,” says an anonymous source who works for Trump. “He threw a huge party the night of the verdict. It was like a birthday party for a deranged toddler – there were pony rides and balloons and cupcakes featuring little automatic rifles drawn in frosting. He even set up a ‘pin the tail on the looter’ section, with giant pictures of African American rioters hung on the wall, and blindfolded guests trying to stick them with giant pins. Of course, Trump fell asleep about 45 minutes into the party, but we still had a blast regardless. Kid Rock played. It was kind of wild.”

Another source claims that Trump and Rittenhouse have actually been texting each other since the verdict, bonding over their love for misplaced violence, a completely corrupt and failing justice system, and their mutual disregard for African Americans.

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Faux Report

Kraft Foods To Re-Brand ‘Kool-Aid Man’ Mascot to ‘Kool-Aid Person’ After Pressure From Left-Wing Groups

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Kraft Food Holdings, the parent company behind Kool-Aid Brands, has announced that their long-stand mascot, The Kool-Aid Man, will be modified to be the Kool-Aid Person starting early next year.

Extended pressure from left-wing groups, including The People’s Inclusion Group and Folks Against Transphobia have forced Kraft to retire their longtime mascot in favor of a more “progressive” and “politically correct” character.

“The Kool-Aid Man has been a staple of our brand since the 1950s, and we thought he’d be here for the long haul,” said Kraft spokesman Ruby Sugar. “Of course, when he was created back then, the world was a different place, and we never thought we’d have to make a judgement call about the fictional gender of a fictional mascot.”

The company said that the typical giant pitcher filled with red liquid would continue to look functionally the same, but that the character would also now appear sometimes in a dress, or with more “feminine” features, or will appear with other liquid colors, such as pink or purple – but will keep the same ‘OH YEAH!’ catchphrase it has always used.

“We are still going to keep it a pitcher of course, and we are still going to have it busting through walls,” said Sugar. “Of course, whenever we show the brick walls busting, that version of Kool-Aid Person will still have the more ‘masculine’ features, as it wouldn’t be as believable for a more feminine pitcher to be shattering through solid walls. Women aren’t usually strong enough for that.”

The change is expected in late Q1 of next year. Food collectors are already scrambling to get their hands on current packages displaying the Kool-Aid Man before the switch.

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Faux Report

Former President Trump Calls Kyle Rittenhouse a ‘Modern-Day Hero’ In Leaked Private Recordings

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A leaked private recording was recently obtained exclusively by Empire News, wherein former President Donald Trump directly refers to recently acquitted teenage gunman Kyle Rittenhouse as a ‘Modern Day Hero.’

“Mr. Ex-President is, naturally, very excited about this outcome,” says an anonymous source. “He loves Kyle, and has consistently been referring to the teen as a ‘modern day hero’ after what happened in Wisconsin.”

Publicly, President Joe Biden has been very avoidant of commenting too heavily on his feelings about Kyle Rittenhouse’s arrest and subsequent trial. When Rittenhouse was acquitted last week, the Biden administration issued a statement simply acknowledging that “the jury system works, and we have to abide by it,” hinting heavily that he didn’t agree with the verdict. But Trump has been pushing in the exact opposite direction.

“Oh man, Mr. Ex-President is jumping for joy over this outcome,” says an anonymous source who works for Trump. “He threw a huge party the night of the verdict. It was like a birthday party for a deranged toddler – there were pony rides and balloons and cupcakes featuring little automatic rifles drawn in frosting. He even set up a ‘pin the tail on the looter’ section, with giant pictures of African American rioters hung on the wall, and blindfolded guests trying to stick them with giant pins. Of course, Trump fell asleep about 45 minutes into the party, but we still had a blast regardless. Kid Rock played. It was kind of wild.”

Another source claims that Trump and Rittenhouse have actually been texting each other since the verdict, bonding over their love for misplaced violence, a completely corrupt and failing justice system, and their mutual disregard for African Americans.

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Faux Report

Former President Trump Calls Kyle Rittenhouse a ‘Modern-Day Hero’ In Leaked Private Recordings

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A leaked private recording was recently obtained exclusively by Empire News, wherein former President Donald Trump directly refers to recently acquitted teenage gunman Kyle Rittenhouse as a ‘Modern Day Hero.’

“Mr. Ex-President is, naturally, very excited about this outcome,” says an anonymous source. “He loves Kyle, and has consistently been referring to the teen as a ‘modern day hero’ after what happened in Wisconsin.”

Publicly, President Joe Biden has been very avoidant of commenting too heavily on his feelings about Kyle Rittenhouse’s arrest and subsequent trial. When Rittenhouse was acquitted last week, the Biden administration issued a statement simply acknowledging that “the jury system works, and we have to abide by it,” hinting heavily that he didn’t agree with the verdict. But Trump has been pushing in the exact opposite direction.

“Oh man, Mr. Ex-President is jumping for joy over this outcome,” says an anonymous source who works for Trump. “He threw a huge party the night of the verdict. It was like a birthday party for a deranged toddler – there were pony rides and balloons and cupcakes featuring little automatic rifles drawn in frosting. He even set up a ‘pin the tail on the looter’ section, with giant pictures of African American rioters hung on the wall, and blindfolded guests trying to stick them with giant pins. Of course, Trump fell asleep about 45 minutes into the party, but we still had a blast regardless. Kid Rock played. It was kind of wild.”

Another source claims that Trump and Rittenhouse have actually been texting each other since the verdict, bonding over their love for misplaced violence, a completely corrupt and failing justice system, and their mutual disregard for African Americans.

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