Faux Report

Cats Are Superior To Dogs In Every Way, New Study Conducted By Cat Scientists Confirms

BOSTON, Mowsachusetts –

A group of cat scientists in Boston say that they have come to the scientific conclusion that cats are better than dogs in “every conceivable way,” and that their research is to be published in the Feline Journal of Medicine in the October issue.

“See, when it comes to pets, people generally only have two choices,” said Dr. Mow Furball, a cat scientist at UCLA who lead the team in Boston. “They get a dog, or they get a cat. Yes, you can get birds or other animals as pets, but birds are bullshit, and you damn well know it. So the choice is clearly dog or cat.”

Dr. Furball says that although many people own dogs because they think they’re a better animal, the real answer has always been cat.

“You cannot possibly think a dog is better than a cat after you see our research,” said Dr. Fluffy McCaterstein. “Dogs need to be walked. You have to take them out every few hours on their own. You can’t leave them home for more than a day by themselves or they’ll eat the couch. Frankly, dogs are stupid. Cats on the other hand, are now scientifically proven to be better pets.”

The research conducted by the team is currently “classified,” but notes will be available in the journal’s release.

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Faux Report

Woman Gets Pregnant After Sleeping at Hotel With Dirty Sheets

MIAMI, Florida –

A woman in Florida says she got pregnant on a business trip to Boston last month, claiming that the hotel never changed the sheets on the bed, and there must have been “ejaculate” on them.

Penny Simon, 28, travelled to Boston for a sales convention, and said that the Hilton she stayed at was “super dirty,” and even though she complained, she thinks they didn’t change the sheets on her bed, and that semen left in the bed from a previous visitor got her pregnant.

“It’s crazy, really, and I feel so bad for her,” said Chris Simon, 29, Penny’s husband. “She’s very conflicted. We’re not an abortion household, but at the same time, the baby isn’t mine, and she’s saying she doesn’t know what to do. I really don’t want to raise another man’s child, but we’ve been trying for 4 years to get pregnant, and she hasn’t been able to. I will raise this baby as my own if that’s what God wants. I just hope the hotel knows that we are suing them for mental anguish. This is disgusting!”

Empire News spoke to Mary Rogers, who works the front desk at the Hilton in Boston where Penny stayed.

“The rooms are very clean, and this hotel was only a week old at the time the guest you mentioned stayed,” said Rogers. “No one had ever been in that room before. Although I was on staff the two nights Ms. Simon stayed here, and watched her bring up at least 3 different men from the hotel bar over the course of 4 hours, so if I had to guess how she got pregnant, I think that answers it.”

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Faux Report

A Pride Festival in Maine Turns Into Orgy After Protestor Drugs Food Truck

BANGOR, Maine –

A Pride festival in Bangor, Maine turned into an all out sex festival after a group of protestors slipped what police say was “highly potent” MDMA, or ecstasy, into the supply of the festival’s food truck.

“Thankfully, this was one of the smaller festivals in the state, and it was a 21+ event because of the alcohol being served,” said Police Chief Barry Lincoln. “That said, there were over 350 people who attended this Pride day, and every single one of them was involved in the massive group orgy.”

Even though the sexual debauchery was happening right out in the open in the middle of the town’s park, police said the only ones arrested were the protestors.

“We cannot very well arrest those who showed up looking for a good time at Pride, because they certainly had it,” said Chief Lincoln. “I know I certainly did, and that’s all I really want to say about that. The protestors, who stupidly admitted to their crimes on Facebook, were apprehended less than 24 hours later. We are still trying to track the source of their large quantity of drugs.”

 

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Faux Report

President Trump Set To Legalize Marijuana on a Federal Level

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump announced earlier this morning via Twitter that he would be legalizing marijuana on a federal level, which would automatically lift restrictions in every state, even those that have yet to set up legalization and retail options.

“At this point, there’s really no reason to continue classifying it as a Schedule 1 drug,” tweeted President Trump. “Everyone smokes it, or eats it in delicious little pastries and candies. Frankly, edibles are the only reason I can sleep at night myself. It’s been a long battle with wasted trillions of dollars, and I want it to stop.”

The President went on to say that the influx of tax revenue at the state and federal levels would be astronomical.

“Colorado can buy whatever they want, because it’s huge out there,” said Trump. “They can pay for education, healthcare, new roads, whatever. They can do that because of weed taxes. This is going to make the American people rich. Now we will be able to start building that wall!”

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Faux Report

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Enters Agreement to Purchase New Wrestling Startup AEW

STAMFORD, CT –

WWE CEO and Chairman Vince McMahon announced today that he had met with Tony Khan, the owner of new wrestling promotion AEW, and that the two had agreed on a purchase amount, with McMahon becoming sole owner.

“When I saw the kind of wrestling that these guys were doing, the matches they were putting on, the crowd reactions – I knew that this was something big, and I had to get involved,” said McMahon. “If I didn’t try to take control of this company now, they’d likely have overshadowed the WWE within a few years, maybe less. I am too old for more Monday Night Wars.”

McMahon is referencing the fan’s term for the ratings battle between the WWE and the then Ted Turner owned WCW. During the mid-90s, the two companies went head to head on Monday evenings in prime time TV slots. When WWE eventually took control of the ratings, McMahon bought out WCW and folded the entire promotion.

“When McMahon approached me, I laughed at first,” said Tony Khan, a billionaire whose family has long ties in the world of sports. “But he came in with a price that was just outrageous, and I would have been a fool to say no. Yes, I’m worth upwards of 4 times what the WWE is worth, but I didn’t get that way by being a fool. I’m a wrestling fan, and I love what we’re doing, but WWE can take what we’re doing and amp it up globally overnight.”

On news of the purchase, AEW’s Executive Vice President, Cody Rhodes, simply said “Fuck. Not again.”

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Faux Report

New Breed of Mosquito Has Been Found To Impregnate Women After Biting

PALM BEACH, Florida – 

The U.S. government warn of three cases in Florida of people affected by the so-called “mosquito chirulí,” able to make a woman pregnant with just a single bite. The cases have been located in Miami, Tallahassee, and Palm Beach. and those affected have been quarantined while the cases are investigated.

The existence of this mosquito was known at the end of 2016 in Uganda and Kenya, but never before have there been cases outside these countries. It is a mosquito that has mutated and is able to impregnate a women via a very specific set of circumstances, one that requires no sperm to fertilize the ovum in fertile women. There is information that this mosquito has been responsible for more than 2,000 pregnancies in Africa.

It is unknown how it was possible for the “chirulí mosquito” to reach the United States, but the authorities are already taking the necessary measures to prevent more cases from occurring. An appeal is made to all women of childbearing age who feel the bite of a mosquito to go immediately to their doctor to receive the Plan B, morning after pill.

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Faux Report

Man Arrested After Refusing To Leave Nude Beach After His Genitalia Size Scares Other Guests

MIAMI, Florida – 

A Florida man was arrested and ejected from a nudist beach because, as they told him, he “had an excessively large penis” and that other guests were terrified when they saw it.

According to reports,  last weekend on a beach in Miami, Joe Hung was lying on the towel enjoying the good weather, when he was approached by a local police patrol that asked him to “please, cover [himself] and leave the beach”. Police say they’d received calls, and that there was more than one swimmer who had complained about the size of Hung’s penis.

“We were here, enjoying the quiet and the beautiful the day, when that man with his huge penis arrived, monopolizing the attention of everybody, and breaking the harmony of the place,” says one of the woman, who admits she called the police. “While I expect to see some nudity here and try to get over any personal complexes, it’s entirely another for this man to show up and give me a new one. My husband could never match up to this man. What guy could?!”

Police say they charged Hung with disorderly conduct for his refusal to leave the beach. He was fined $500 and allowed to leave after a 24-hour holding.

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Faux Report

Pope Francis Tries To Curb Molestation In The Church, Declares That Priests Can Marry

VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis made a surprise announcement during his weekly Sunday Mass in Vatican City, stunning the world when he said that the church has decided that their priests would be allowed to wed, something that has never been allowed in the history of the Catholic Church.

“In an effort to stop our wonderful men of the cloth from molesting any more children, we have decided to allow them to marry and fornicate with women,” said Francis. “This will hopefully put an end, once and for all, to the bad behavior of some of our flock.”

Despite the announcement taking place earlier this morning, there has been no word on whether any priests have elected to look for a wife, or if they’re content with their current arrangement of molesting children for years, having the church pay hush money, and being moved to a new location after all the news is buried.

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Faux Report

Man Sues Apple After Trying to Take a Bite Out of His iPhone, Discovering It’s Not An ‘Actual Apple’

CARSON, Georgia –

A Georgia man has filed suit against tech giant Apple, saying that after purchasing the latest iPhone, he tried to “eat the device,” and suffered severe damage to his mouth, teeth, and gums.

“My client thought that because the item was an ‘Apple,’ device, that it would be edible as apples generally are,” said Dewey Cheatum, Esq., the attorney representing the unnamed man who engaged in the lawsuit. “We believe we have a very strong case, as Apple does not now, nor have they ever said that their items could not be eaten.”

Apple’s public response to the lawsuit was to have Tim Cook shit directly onto the portfolio, before mailing it back to the office of Cheatum with a note that said “go fuck yourself.”

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Faux Report

Man Hospitalized After Getting Battery Stuck In His Anus, Says He Thought It Would ‘Give Him More Energy’

MIAMI, Florida – 

A Florida man was taken to a Miami hospital after reportedly getting a large, D-cell battery stuck in his anus. The man claimed that he thought that the battery might give him the “energy boost” he would need to get through the rest of his day at work.

Doctors were able to extract the battery without seriously invasive surgery, but warned that putting things into your anus can “cause serious, irreparable harm.”

“This man, Joe Kennedy, who asked not to be publicly named, is very lucky,” said Dr. Frank Grates, the surgeon who extracted the battery. “He certainly could have done a lot worse. Thankfully, in this case, he went larger, and it was easy to grab. Had he gone with an AAA battery or something, and we might still be digging around in his colon.”

 

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Faux Report

Man Who Bought a Pair of Dentures on Shopping App WISH Can Suddenly Speak Chinese

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A Boston man, Arnold Richardson, said he didn’t know what to do when his dentist told him that he was going to need a new set of custom dentures to replace the ones he’s had the last 10 years.

“I was really put out, I can’t afford that kind of thing on my salary,” said Richardson, 46, a carpenter in the South End of Boston. “I really felt lost.”

Richardson said that he scoped out the internet for the best deals, and was surprised to find a set of dentures on the shopping website/app called Wish, which sells items at highly discounted rates, occassionally knock-offs, but almost always shipped from China.

“I was hesitant, honestly, because you hear about toys and other items coming from China and they’ve been painted with old, lead-ridden paint or something like that, but really, it was all I could afford.”

After waiting 6-8 weeks for his dentures, Richardson said he was “very surprised” to find that they fit perfectly, and even more surprised that when he put them in his mouth, he automatically began speaking Chinese.

“这篇文章和我们所有的文章一样, 都是假的,” said Richardson. “如果你明白了, 那就太好了。与你认识的每个人分享!永远记住不要在网上上当废话”

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Man In Coma For 26 Years Wakes Up, Decides To Be Medically Induced For An Extra Year So He’ll Be Eligible For Retirement

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Richard Atkins, 64, has been in a coma for the last 26 years, the result of a hit-and-run car accident that left him hospitalized. Although doctors had told Atkins’ wife, Miranda, that they believed if he ever woke up that Richard would be a complete “vegetable,” Miranda decided not to pull the plug.

“I’m so glad I listened to my gut, I knew he’d wake up eventually,” said Miranda. “I am concerned about his choice to be put back under though.”

Doctors were flabbergasted that Atkins woke up last Tuesday morning, cracking jokes and asking for lunch.

“He is a marvel of the medical world, that’s for sure,” said Dr. Francis Joseph. “I’ve been treating Atkins as his doctor for the last 20 years of his 26 years in a comatose state, and I never expected this. He woke up, was fine, and didn’t seemed at all bothered he’d been in a coma for nearly 3 decades. In fact, he asked to be put back under for another year so he’d be eligible for his social security and retirement benefits.”

Doctors say that they initially declined to give in to Atkins’ request, but eventually were persuaded.

“I told them that I had memories of being sexually abused while in my coma by hospital staff,” said Atkins before they put him back under. “Don’t tell anyone that it was total crap, I don’t remember a thing. I just don’t want to work again. Work sucks.”

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Faux Report

Man Buys Over $10,000 Worth of Girl Scout Cookies, Dies Trying to Eat Them All Himself

EDGEWORTH, Florida – 

A Florida man has died after he attempted to eat over $10,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies, which is approximately 1500 boxes.

John Richards, 43, died after his 87th box, when he suffered both a massive stroke and a major heart attack simultaneously.

“I have no idea what made that fat shit think he could finish off all those boxes, or why he even tried,” said Marlene Richards, 40. “I’ve been married to John for 20 years, and on his ass about his weight pretty much this whole time. When he heard that the Boy Scouts were going to allow girls in, he told me he thought that the cookies would ‘go extinct,’ and he wanted to get all he could. Dumb bastard.”

Police say they had to hire a team of movers to get Richards’ body out of the home, as he “weighed close to that of a grand piano.”

“The thing that really pisses me off is that he cashed out his life insurance policy to buy the cookies,” said Marlene Richards. “What in the hell am I going to do now? Eat the rest of these cookies for the rest of my life? God, I hate that fat lard.”

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For The First Time In The History of Man, No Babies Were Born and No Living People Died On February 27th, 2019

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to the US Department of Births and Deaths, February 27th, 2019 was the first time in the recorded history of Man that no one was born, and no one died. The phenomenon has everyone puzzled.

“I have no idea how it happened, I didn’t even know it could happen,” said US DBD Chairman Richard Vallee. “Normally, there are nearly 200,000 deaths and about 220,000 births every day throughout the world. We monitor these numbers out of our offices in the United States, but record the entire world. This has never happened before, and is likely to never happen again.”

Vallee says that they are currently looking into any sort of “otherworldly” phenomenon or atmospheric reason that no one was born or died yesterday, but so far, they’ve been drawing a blank.

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