Tag Archives: wife

Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, July 30, 2018

Days after Trump meets with Putin and doesn't mention Snowden, the NSA finds "many issues of non-compliance" in handling data, which was part of Snowden's initial concern. It seems that a way may already be finding its way for Snowden to return to the US in relative peace.

Just after the worldwide worry machine was all in a tizzy about trade wars with the EU, the US and EU have almost all their issues resolved and are working to make things much better than they were before.

The "bug" in Putin's soccer ball is part of an app device from Adidas, not a surveillance device from Russia's FSB.

The "made in China" Trump products either 1. go back to the pre-presidential campaign Trump business in which Trump learned about China up close and personal as a trader himself or 2. are unaffiliated knock-off products made in China to resemble actual Trump campaign products, but Bernie Sanders doesn't know the difference between the real and the knock-off.

Now, the Leftist press is going after SCOTUS nominee Kavanaugh's wife. There is a gross hypocrisy here since the Leftist press didn't go digging through the correspondence of Clinton's mistresses. When Congress did hold an inquiry about Bill's love life through Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr, the Leftist press jumped to write it off as "personal". It doesn't seem personal anymore, or is it getting too personal?

The reason for going after Kavanaugh's wife is lack of evidence against Kavanaugh. This goes beyond "grasping at straws". The implosion of the press reached a new public demonstration of insanity this week, so the weeks to come are only likely to get more entertaining.

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Faux Report

Man Sentenced To Life In Prison After Killing His Wife Via ‘Dutch Oven’

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DARWIN, West Virginia – 

Harold Spizer, 39, was sentenced to life in prison on Monday for the 2013 death of his wife, Kathy Spizer, 35. Harold had been in prison since his arrest in August of 2013, after police say he killed Kathy via a dutch oven in their bedroom.

“I still, to this day, maintain that it was just an unfortunate joke gone wrong,” said Spizer, who now sits in solitary confinement in Darwin Federal Penitentiary. “She always thought it was disgusting when I farted, and so I’d tease her and do it all the time when we were laying in bed. That night a few years ago, it was just too hot, too stuffy, and the gas was just extra bad. It wasn’t on purpose.”

Police say that Spizer had eaten Mexican food for dinner, and had ‘extra bad gas’ on an especially warm night in 2013, and used it to murder his wife.

“He gave her a Dutch oven, which is when you pass gas, and then hold the bedding and covers over your partner’s head, so they are forced to, well, deal with it, as it were,” said police chief Joel Miller. “Kathy was killed from the extreme nature of her husband’s gas.”

The court case was a long time coming, and Kathy’s family say that they are “very excited” that Harold Spizer will pay for his crimes.

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Faux Report

Man Fakes Heart Attack To Get Out Of Wife’s Dinner Party

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KALAMAZOO, Florida – 

A Florida man was taken to the emergency room after his wife called 911, saying that her husband was having a heart attack.

John Williams, 43, was taken to a local hospital via ambulance, but on the drive, said that he was never having any sort of heart attack or any other medical issue – he just didn’t want to be around his wife’s “super boring friends” any longer.

“I pretended to have a heart attack, because it was the only way that I could think of getting out of there without being on the hook for it later,” said Williams. “We have this stupid dinner parties at least once a month, and all of my wife’s friends are snooty, pretentious, miserable people. They just come over for the free drinks and the free food, and then leave. We’ve never once been to a dinner part at one of their houses. At least I livened up the evening.”

Williams says he has no problem paying the bill for the ambulance, and the hospital visit.

“They had to check me out anyway, because it’s protocol, and apparently sometimes people have heart attacks for real and think they’re okay,” said Williams. “The doctor said my ticker is as good as it can be for my age. I have the heart of a 38-year-old.”

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Faux Report

Man Suffers Heart Attack After Wife Forces Him To Do Household Chores

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PORTLAND, Oregon –

Mark Jones, 33, has died today after his wife, Rebecca, forced him to spend his entire day off from his construction job doing odd-jobs around the house.

Rebecca and Mark had been married for only 6 months, but friends close to Mark say that ever since the day of their wedding, Rebecca became a “different person,” and they had barely spoken to Mark in weeks.

“Before they got married, everything was great for Mark. You couldn’t wipe the smile off his face,” said best friend Ricky Smith. “He was always gloating about all the mouth-Js he was getting. How she couldn’t stay off of him. How she’d cook him fancy steak dinners and ride him, cowgirl style, while he played Call of Duty. To be honest, we were all really jealous.”

Another friend, Chris Lambert, says that all changed as soon as they got married.

“I just talked to Mark about a week ago. First time in 2 months. He told me how she hadn’t touched him since their wedding night, and even then, he just got a limp-wristed old fashioned,” said Lambert. “Apparently, Rebecca knew exactly what to say and do to get Mark married, and after they were, she really laid into him.”

Mark Jones owned one of the biggest construction companies in the United States, and was worth an estimated $1.9 billion. His wife is set to inherit the entire estate. Police say they believe the death was accidental.

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Faux Report

Man Found Not Guilty Of Murdering His Wife After Jury Hears She Withheld Sex For Years

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TAMPA, Florida – 

Joel Lewis, 38, freely admitted in court that he murdered his wife, Joanne Lewis, 36, after 10 years of marriage. Although at that point prosecutors thought their job was finished, in a surprise twist, the jury found Lewis not guilty after learning the reason for Lewis’ act.

“My wife had not had sex with me in over 5 years,” said Lewis while on the stand, confessing. “It was a nightmare. I don’t need anything special. Just some missionary once in a while, maybe a good mouth-j on my birthday, but Joanne hadn’t even touched me in years. I promised to never betray her, and I just couldn’t cheat on her morally. I didn’t ever promise not to bludgeon her to death with one of her giant dildos, though.”

Prosecutors were seeking life in the murder case, but the jury foreman, Mark Richards, says that he didn’t see how he could possibly fault Lewis for his actions.

“There was 9 men and 3 women on the jury, and even the 3 women couldn’t believe what happened,” said Richards after the trial ended. “We only deliberated for about 3 minutes, and we went right back. We knew we had to vote not guilty.”

Lewis was immediately freed after spending the last 9 months in jail during his trial. He says that he is “extremely glad” that the jury understood what happened, and that he was just “so excited” to get back to his life.

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