Faux Report

President Trump Set To Legalize Marijuana on a Federal Level

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump announced earlier this morning via Twitter that he would be legalizing marijuana on a federal level, which would automatically lift restrictions in every state, even those that have yet to set up legalization and retail options.

“At this point, there’s really no reason to continue classifying it as a Schedule 1 drug,” tweeted President Trump. “Everyone smokes it, or eats it in delicious little pastries and candies. Frankly, edibles are the only reason I can sleep at night myself. It’s been a long battle with wasted trillions of dollars, and I want it to stop.”

The President went on to say that the influx of tax revenue at the state and federal levels would be astronomical.

“Colorado can buy whatever they want, because it’s huge out there,” said Trump. “They can pay for education, healthcare, new roads, whatever. They can do that because of weed taxes. This is going to make the American people rich. Now we will be able to start building that wall!”

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Faux Report

New Breed of Mosquito Has Been Found To Impregnate Women After Biting

PALM BEACH, Florida – 

The U.S. government warn of three cases in Florida of people affected by the so-called “mosquito chirulí,” able to make a woman pregnant with just a single bite. The cases have been located in Miami, Tallahassee, and Palm Beach. and those affected have been quarantined while the cases are investigated.

The existence of this mosquito was known at the end of 2016 in Uganda and Kenya, but never before have there been cases outside these countries. It is a mosquito that has mutated and is able to impregnate a women via a very specific set of circumstances, one that requires no sperm to fertilize the ovum in fertile women. There is information that this mosquito has been responsible for more than 2,000 pregnancies in Africa.

It is unknown how it was possible for the “chirulí mosquito” to reach the United States, but the authorities are already taking the necessary measures to prevent more cases from occurring. An appeal is made to all women of childbearing age who feel the bite of a mosquito to go immediately to their doctor to receive the Plan B, morning after pill.

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Faux Report

Pope Francis Tries To Curb Molestation In The Church, Declares That Priests Can Marry

VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis made a surprise announcement during his weekly Sunday Mass in Vatican City, stunning the world when he said that the church has decided that their priests would be allowed to wed, something that has never been allowed in the history of the Catholic Church.

“In an effort to stop our wonderful men of the cloth from molesting any more children, we have decided to allow them to marry and fornicate with women,” said Francis. “This will hopefully put an end, once and for all, to the bad behavior of some of our flock.”

Despite the announcement taking place earlier this morning, there has been no word on whether any priests have elected to look for a wife, or if they’re content with their current arrangement of molesting children for years, having the church pay hush money, and being moved to a new location after all the news is buried.

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Faux Report

For The First Time In The History of Man, No Babies Were Born and No Living People Died On February 27th, 2019

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to the US Department of Births and Deaths, February 27th, 2019 was the first time in the recorded history of Man that no one was born, and no one died. The phenomenon has everyone puzzled.

“I have no idea how it happened, I didn’t even know it could happen,” said US DBD Chairman Richard Vallee. “Normally, there are nearly 200,000 deaths and about 220,000 births every day throughout the world. We monitor these numbers out of our offices in the United States, but record the entire world. This has never happened before, and is likely to never happen again.”

Vallee says that they are currently looking into any sort of “otherworldly” phenomenon or atmospheric reason that no one was born or died yesterday, but so far, they’ve been drawing a blank.

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President Trump Signs New Order To Remove Marijuana From Schedule-1 Drug List

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump signed a new order today, removing marijuana from the list of schedule-1 drugs, opening the floodgates for the drug to become legal on a federal level.

“I’ve always been against drinking, because alcoholism killed someone very close to me,” said President Trump. “But that said, I’ve always been a big fan of smoking the ganj. In fact, it was while I was baked out of my mind with a couple of friends that I first thought to run for President, and now – well, here I am.”

President Trump said that with the increased tax revenue from the sale of marijuana nationwide, he hopes to build the border wall.

“Honestly, legalizing on a federal level will bring in trillons of dollars for this country. It will boost the economy and the government will be flooded with new monies,” said Trump. “I will have my wall built by the end of the year.”

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Faux Report

Michelle Obama Says She Plans To Run Against Trump in 2020 – With Barack As Her V.P.!

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a shocking move, Michelle Obama says she is ready to begin campaigning for a shot at the White House in 2020. The announcement comes after several months of speculation, but with Michelle always saying it wasn’t going to happen. The news also includes a shocking running mate – Michelle’s husband, former President Barack Obama.

“We had to look into the legalities a lot, because we were not 100% sure it could happen, but it turns out, everything is in order,” said Michelle Obama in a statement. “Barack finished his two terms as elected President, but would be allowed to serve two more terms as Vice President, were he able to get elected with a running mate who is eligible for the office. I believe I’m more than qualified for the job.”

When questioned about the issue, though, that if something were to happen to her after election, Barack would become President for a third term, Michelle smiled slyly.

“Yes, well…you do never know what the future holds,” she said.

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President Trump Readies Deportation of Melania After Huge Fight At White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump says he is beginning the preparations for deporting his wife, Melania, back to “whatever third world shithole she comes from,” according to official White House documents.

According to reports, Melania and President Trump had a bitter argument in the middle of the Oval Office, although the stories differ as to what caused the argument in the first place, with most sources stating that President Trump dislikes being referred to be his wife as “President Cheeto.”

“Frankly, I think it’s a sweet term of endearment from a wife to her husband,” said one anonymous staffer. “He really is taking it the wrong way. Now, of course, when she refers to his penis as the President’s ‘little Cheeto Puff,’ that might be crossing a line. But still – they’re married, you’re supposed to work these things out.”

President Trump said that he has been married enough times in his life, that “ditching one more won’t make much of a dent” in his life.

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After Record Number of Children Disappear, Man Arrested With 47 Kids Found Locked In His Basement

MIAMI, Florida

A Florida man has been charged with felony kidnapping and attempted murder after authorities discovered 47 missing children locked in the basement of his home.

According to police, more than 50 children have been reported missing in Miami since last Monday, and police were at a loss about the disappearances, until a tip lead them to the home of Mario Wilson, 50. Police say that an anonymous call led them to them.

“We have no idea who made the call, or how they knew where to find the children, but we are grateful,” said police chief Mitch Rogers. “We have found 47 of the 52 children reported missing. We are still hunting for the 5 remaining children, and at this point, we have no reason to consider them anything other than ‘missing.’”

Wilson reportedly was luring children into his home with the prospect of watching an unreleased Pokemon movie, to which every child gleefully ran into the home. Inside, they were disappointed to find that it was just a VHS tape of old recorded episodes.

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President Trump Vows To Lower Severity of Sexual Assault Crimes, Hopes To Make Them ‘Ticketable’ Offenses

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump said this morning during a press conference that the “MeToo movement has gone too far,” and that “too many honest, hardworking men are being thrown under the bus with lies and malicious intent,” and that he plans to spend the rest of his time in office working to reduce the severity of rape and sexual assault charges.

“In this world that we live, many men are having their lives ruined by false allegations and exaggerated claims, and it’s time to put a stop to it,” said President Trump. “I myself have been wrongly accused of sexual assault, as have many of my close friends, and it’s sickening. It’s terrifying to live as a man right now, and know that at any time, some woman who you may not even know could come forward and say that you forcibly kissed her, or groped her, or that you offered her money to sit on your face, and it could ruin your life. It’s disgusting behavior on the part of these women.”

Trump went on to say that he felt that the transgressions of young men, if they happen at all, should be forgotten or pushed aside based on the work they’ve done and accomplished in the years since.

“I will not comment publicly on whether or not I believe Brett Kavanaugh assaulted anyone, even though we all clearly know that he didn’t,” said President Trump. “What I do know is that the accusations are destroying him and his family, and that’s not right. It’s for MeToo to go away quietly.”

President Trump said that he hopes to pass new laws that would decrease the criminal statute that would imprison people like Bill Cosby, who was sentenced to 3-10 years for sexual assault, and instead would allow men who are found guilty to pay a sort of fine, or restitution to the plaintiff.

“It  is my hope that my son can grow up in a world where no woman will ever accuse him of touching her inappropriately, whether he did or not,” said Trump. “I want to keep Making America Great Again, and at this point, this is my number one concern.”

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Faux Report

Brett Kavanaugh Arrested After Night of Heavy Binge Drinking, Public Masturbation at D.C. Dive Bar

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Brett Kavanaugh, who is currently under scrutiny for allegedly sexually assaulting several women decades ago while drunk in high school, was arrested last night after police were called to local Washington, D.C. dive bar Good Head.

Kavanaugh, who is trying to obtain a lifetime seat on the Supreme Court, was reportedly detained by security after he allegedly removed his penis from his pants, and begin vigorously masturbating in the busy bar, before urinating all over himself, falling into the fetal position, and crying.

“When we arrived, Mr. Kavanaugh was beyond drunk, which from recent news reports, is perfectly in line with what we know about him,” said police chief Mario Lewis. “When we tried to detain him, Mr. Kavanaugh became unruly and violent, and assaulted two of my officers. A third officer was able to tase Mr. Kavanaugh before he caused any more harm or began masturbating again.”

Bystanders say that police had to physically carry Kavanaugh from the bar, and that he was screaming and yelling and snarling the entire time. Kavanaugh was held overnight, and released on $20,000 bail.

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Florida Millionaire Arrested After Authorities Discover Over 700 Bodies Buried In His Backyard

NAPLES, Florida – 

Jerry Richards, 73, was arrested this week at his home in Naples, Florida after a neighbor spotted him very obviously burying a body behind his house. When police arrested Richards, he admitted to having over 700 bodies buried throughout his property. Police have currently exhumed 587 bodies in varying stages of decay.

“Mr. Jerry Richards is likely the most prolific serial killer in history,” said Police Captain Robert Thomas of the Naples Police Department. “Based on the remains we have found so far, Richards has been murdering and burying bodies in his yard for over 35 years.”

According to public records, Richards purchased his Naples home in 1982, when he was 38-years-old. Richards came into money after his father, Carl Richards, left him a large inheritance, which he invested in both stocks and real estate. Upon his arrest, Richards net worth was well over $35 million.

Although the District Attorney believes the case to be “open and shut,” Richards has not yet stood before a judge to determine bail. With Richards’ excessive means, it’s likely he will be denied bail and forced to sit in jail awaiting sentencing. If convicted, Richards will likely be given the death penalty.

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BREAKING: Donald Trump Secretly Hired Illegal Immigrants To Start Building Border Wall

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Top secret documents leaked to the press by a White House staffer showed that President Trump ordered the hiring of over 2,000 illegal immigrants to begin working on his border wall between Texas and Mexico. The documents, released to the press only hours ago, also stated that he was prepared to offer each worker upwards of $40 an hour.

“This is a goddamn outrage,” said construction worker Chris Thomas. “I have been bidding for the border wall job for nearly a year, and it’s the goddamn illegals that get the job? Isn’t the whole point of the wall to keep these sand people out of the fucking country?”

Trump released a statement on Twitter, stating that “all suspicion of illegals being used for labor at the border are false.” He went on to say that “Fake News” had struck again.

“I would never hire undocumented workers,” tweeted Trump. “The Fake News Media has struck again, and you’re all buying it. We don’t have any staffers in the WH that would leak that news, even if it were true.”

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World’s Oldest Woman – Who Drank a Glass of Formaldehyde Every Day For 60 Years – Dies At Age 187

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

The oldest living person in history, Bertha Flake, has died at 187.

Flake, who was born in 1831, has been listed as the oldest living person in the Guinness World Records book since 1955, when she turned 124. At that point doctors thought that she would not have much longer to live, but after meeting with a “mystic” in 1957, Flake began to see her health improve.

The mystic told Flake to begin drinking filtered formaldehyde each day before eating her normal breakfast. Despite doctors warning her that it would kill her, Flake began the regimen, and lived another 60 years.

“It tastes horrible, but it’s clearly working,” said Flake last year on her 186th birthday. No one thought I would live this long. I didn’t even know it was medically possible, but here I am, still kicking, still going strong. I hope I live to see 200, but at this point, I’ve lived 2 or 3 lifetimes, and I can’t say that I haven’t seen and done it all. If I did next year though, I hope it’s in a hail of police bullets. Nothing like pulling a 187 on a motherfuckin’ cop, right?”

Flake was married 6 times in her life, and claims that she had even slept with many famous figures in history, including Charlie Chaplin and Josef Stalin.

Doctors are examining her remains and plan to release their findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.

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BREAKING: Donald Trump Facing Civil Charges In Decades-Old Sexual Harassment Claim

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump will be heading to civil court next month over a claim of sexual harassment and abuse charges that were filed by a former employee.

Margot Lambert, 49, alleges that when she was an intern working for the Trump Corporation, Donald Trump made repeated sexual advances towards her, and even groped her during a private meeting. She was later fired after, she claims, refusing to fellate Trump in his office.

“At the request of my attorney, I am not able to say much about the case, except to say that President Trump, then just ‘Donnie,’ as he likes to be called, tried to get me to place his orange, flacid penis in my mouth,” said Lambert. “When I refused, I was later relieved of my duties as his intern. I believe that the two situations are related.”

Although the statute of limitations has run out for any sort of criminal case, Lambert is still free to go after Trump in civil court. Her law team says they are seeking damages in the amount of $6.5 million for mental anguish and recurring nightmares.

“Ms. Lambert sought counselling for many years after the sexual assault, and had finally learned to put the incident behind her,” said Lambert’s lawyer, Richard Kimball. “When Trump became President, Ms. Lambert began having PTSD of her multiple sexual encounters with Trump. We firmly believe we will have no problem in regards to winning this case.”

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