Faux Report

Multiple People Hospitalized, Several Arrested During ‘Rush Limbaugh Has Cancer’ Celebration in Boston

BOSTON, MA

Over a dozen people were hospitalized and 11 people were arrested after a massive celebration broke out in the streets of Boston on Friday.

Last week, conservative dickbag Rush Limbaugh announced he had late-stage lung cancer, and liberals across the country let out a massive cheer. In Boston, a public celebration took place during the afternoon on Friday, with an estimated 35,000 people in attendance outside of Fenway Park.

“When I heard that Rush was going to die, I couldn’t wait to celebrate,” said Rick Baker, 39, of Boston. “If there were ever a more worthless, piece of shit, talking head on radio and TV, I don’t know who it is. I heard about the party on the radio Friday morning, called out of work, and headed down to the park  to party.”

Boston Police Department say that the gathering was not authorized, but they caught wind of the party on social media, and were able to send a “significant number of police officers” to the area to keep things under control.

“We were able to keep things really under control under the conservative protestors showed up,” said Boston Police Chief Frank R. Green. “The people who were there to enjoy the celebration were great. Unfortunately, some Rush supporters spoiled the fun. In the end, we arrested multiple people and our police forces had to, sadly, beat down many protestors who did not listen to directions to vacate the area.”

Green said that none of the “Rushers” had life-threatening injuries, and that most would be out of the  hospital within a few days.

“Next time, perhaps these people will listen,” said Green. “If a group of people want to celebrate the inevitable death of a world class piece of shit, we will support that. If you want to get in the way of that, we will ensure that you’re dealt with accordingly.”

Rush Limbaugh, who for some stupid reason received the Presidential Medal of Freedom last week, ensuring that it is now 100% meaningless, could not be reached for comment.

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Faux Report

Trump To Host Massive ‘I Beat Impeachment’ Party at White House This Weekend

WASHINGTON, D.C. 

President Trump has decided to throw a massive “I Beat Impeachment” party at the White House, which is slated to kickoff around 6PM on Saturday, with plans to run until the early morning hours on Monday.

“This is going to be the biggest, and best event that the White House has ever seen,” said President Trump. “When you’re the best, you want to have the best parties, and invite the best celebrities, and it’s going to be huge. Just huge. I’m very excited to have people join me for this mega-rager.”

Trump went on to say that several celebrity guests were scheduled to appear, including Eli Manning, Rush Limbaugh, Ted Nugent, and a “variety of Playboy Playmates” from the last several years.

“Oh man, the amount of planning this has taken is immense,” said a White House staffer who preferred to stay anonymous. “When the President parties, it’s a big deal. We need to include a barrage of cocaine and alcohol to keep the guests happy, and I’ll tell you right now – if you think the impeachment was a waste of taxpayer money, the cost of this party is going to put that to shame.”

Musical guests scheduled to perform include Kanye West, Dire Straits, and The Jesus and Mary Chain.

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Faux Report

Michelle Obama Files For Divorce After Shocking Revelation; Barack Obama Admits: ‘I’m Gay!’

PHILADELPHIA, PA

Former President Barack Obama announced late last night that he had filed for divorce from his wife of 27 years, Michelle Obama, after he revealed a secret double life as a homosexual.

“It is with a bit of sadness and a whole lot of relief that I announce that Michelle and I have decided to separate, as I have admitted to her, as I’m doing now to the rest of the world, that I am a homosexual,” said Obama. “This may come as a shock to many, and anger others, but this is my personal business, and I would hope that everyone could respect my privacy at this time”

Representatives for Michelle Obama said that she and the former president would split amicably, and that Michelle herself was “not particularly shocked” by the revelation.

“We are very close, as close as two people could ever be, really,” said Michelle in a prepared statement. “I’ve known for many years about Barack’s secret life, and I fully support him in the direction that his life takes him. He was and is an incredible leader, a loving father and family man, and now he can go on to make some man very happy.”

Representatives for the Obama children, Malia and Sasha, could not be reached for comment, but their Facebook pages both were vacant of any comments on the split.

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Faux Report

Jeffrey Epstein Spotted Alive and Well in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

PUERTO VALLARTA, Mexico

Jeffrey Epstein, the man once thought capable of bringing down multiple governments with insider information about his immense pedophila ring and sex island, was reportedly seen alive in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico early this morning. A tourist visiting the area from Atlanta said they recognized him immediately.

“I was kind of shook, it was like seeing a ghost,” said the tourist, who wished to remain anonymous. “His murder – er, I mean, his suicide – was pretty much the biggest story of 2019 before it got swept away by the media. I’ve seen the guy’s face so many times on the news and on social media in memes, there’s no way I was mistaken.”

Another reported sighting of Epstein came only 3 hours later, and police were notified.

“Honestly, you’d think after they faked his death, he’d go somewhere a little more remote than a resort in Mexico,” said Carl Richards, who is vacationing in the area while going through a bitter divorce. “I came down here to relax and stop thinking about my bitch ex-wife, but now I think it’s time to go. If Epstein is here, and this news is breaking out, it won’t be long before the place is overrun with paparazzi.”

A single photo was taken by the anonymous person who first viewed Epstein as he exited a Puerto Vallarta hotel.

“I wanted to get closer, but I didn’t want to spook him,” said the source. “The picture is horrible, but I ended up walking right past him. It’s definitely Epstein.”

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Faux Report

BREAKING: President Trump Arrested Leaving Trump Tower in New York

NEW YORK CITY, NY – 

President Trump was arrested by the NYC Police Department while exiting his former residence at Trump Tower on Sunday morning, according to reports from the Associated Press.

Police Chief Mario Brann said that his officers were acting on an open warrant from 1998, when Trump allegedly struck a pedestrian while driving through the city, and left the scene. The pedestrian, whose name was not released, later died of their injuries.

“It is with great pleasure that I announce that we have taken President Donald Trump into custody for his role in the death of a young man in 1998,” said Chief Brann. “Mr. Trump is alleged to have killed the victim in a hit-and-run accident, for which he had never been charged. That changes today.”

Lawyers for President Trump say that the charges are “absolutely ridiculous” and “totally absurd.”

“There is no way that he was driving through the streets of New York and killed someone,” said Richard Moorehouse, a private attorney retained by the president. “President Trump cannot drive. The guy can barely navigate a golf course in a golf cart, you think he has ever learned to drive an actual car? He’s a total moron. Nobody would let him behind the wheel. If this accident occurred as they say, then we attest that Mr. Trump had a driver at the time, and he is not guilty of anything.”

“I’ve heard of people pleading insanity, but I’ve never heard of anyone pleading total idiocy to get out of a crime before,” said Chief Brann. “I am intrigued to see how this plays out. Either way, this gives everyone a break from Trump’s stupid goddamn tweets for a few hours.”

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Faux Report

BREAKING: War With Iran Imminent; President Trump Reinstates Military Draft

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Earlier this week, President Trump illegally ordered the assassination of a top military general in Iran, Qasem Soleimani, prompting Iran to promise a swift revenge. In the imminent face of war with a powerful military in Iran, President Trump reinstated the United States draft, last used during the Vietnam Conflict.

“There are a lot of incredible, selfless American men and women who have been serving in the armed forces, some for many years, some still in basic training,” stated President Trump early this morning from the Oval Office. “These people, they need help. They need a lot of really, really big help, and we need to make sure they receive it. Reinstating the United States draft process is the easiest, and most logical answer.”

The draft process, which chooses young, American men at random to enlist in the armed forces, is something most people thought they would never see used again, but military officials agree with Trump that it’s the most efficient way to quickly build our military forces in the face of danger.

“When you anger another country by committing a blatant and completely illegal war crime, such as the case with our President’s attack in Iran, things heat up quickly, and action must be taken,” said Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. “We are ready to have our young men suit up and join our military forces, and the reinstatement of the draft will help immensely.”

“It’s about time these lazy millennials do something with their life other than eat Tide pods and watch YouTube videos,” said MAGA-hat wearing, Trump voter Carl Richards, 42, from Atlanta. “They could use the direction, the discipline, and should want to fight to protect our country from foreign invasion. It’s what I would have done when I was their age. Not doing it now, of course. Got myself some really tender soles, and I can’t walk for too long before my feet really start to hurt. If it wasn’t for that, I’d be out there signing up to shoot me some towelheads or whoever it is this time.”

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Faux Report

President Trump Set To Legalize Marijuana on a Federal Level

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump announced earlier this morning via Twitter that he would be legalizing marijuana on a federal level, which would automatically lift restrictions in every state, even those that have yet to set up legalization and retail options.

“At this point, there’s really no reason to continue classifying it as a Schedule 1 drug,” tweeted President Trump. “Everyone smokes it, or eats it in delicious little pastries and candies. Frankly, edibles are the only reason I can sleep at night myself. It’s been a long battle with wasted trillions of dollars, and I want it to stop.”

The President went on to say that the influx of tax revenue at the state and federal levels would be astronomical.

“Colorado can buy whatever they want, because it’s huge out there,” said Trump. “They can pay for education, healthcare, new roads, whatever. They can do that because of weed taxes. This is going to make the American people rich. Now we will be able to start building that wall!”

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Faux Report

New Breed of Mosquito Has Been Found To Impregnate Women After Biting

PALM BEACH, Florida – 

The U.S. government warn of three cases in Florida of people affected by the so-called “mosquito chirulí,” able to make a woman pregnant with just a single bite. The cases have been located in Miami, Tallahassee, and Palm Beach. and those affected have been quarantined while the cases are investigated.

The existence of this mosquito was known at the end of 2016 in Uganda and Kenya, but never before have there been cases outside these countries. It is a mosquito that has mutated and is able to impregnate a women via a very specific set of circumstances, one that requires no sperm to fertilize the ovum in fertile women. There is information that this mosquito has been responsible for more than 2,000 pregnancies in Africa.

It is unknown how it was possible for the “chirulí mosquito” to reach the United States, but the authorities are already taking the necessary measures to prevent more cases from occurring. An appeal is made to all women of childbearing age who feel the bite of a mosquito to go immediately to their doctor to receive the Plan B, morning after pill.

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Faux Report

Pope Francis Tries To Curb Molestation In The Church, Declares That Priests Can Marry

VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis made a surprise announcement during his weekly Sunday Mass in Vatican City, stunning the world when he said that the church has decided that their priests would be allowed to wed, something that has never been allowed in the history of the Catholic Church.

“In an effort to stop our wonderful men of the cloth from molesting any more children, we have decided to allow them to marry and fornicate with women,” said Francis. “This will hopefully put an end, once and for all, to the bad behavior of some of our flock.”

Despite the announcement taking place earlier this morning, there has been no word on whether any priests have elected to look for a wife, or if they’re content with their current arrangement of molesting children for years, having the church pay hush money, and being moved to a new location after all the news is buried.

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Faux Report

For The First Time In The History of Man, No Babies Were Born and No Living People Died On February 27th, 2019

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to the US Department of Births and Deaths, February 27th, 2019 was the first time in the recorded history of Man that no one was born, and no one died. The phenomenon has everyone puzzled.

“I have no idea how it happened, I didn’t even know it could happen,” said US DBD Chairman Richard Vallee. “Normally, there are nearly 200,000 deaths and about 220,000 births every day throughout the world. We monitor these numbers out of our offices in the United States, but record the entire world. This has never happened before, and is likely to never happen again.”

Vallee says that they are currently looking into any sort of “otherworldly” phenomenon or atmospheric reason that no one was born or died yesterday, but so far, they’ve been drawing a blank.

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President Trump Signs New Order To Remove Marijuana From Schedule-1 Drug List

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump signed a new order today, removing marijuana from the list of schedule-1 drugs, opening the floodgates for the drug to become legal on a federal level.

“I’ve always been against drinking, because alcoholism killed someone very close to me,” said President Trump. “But that said, I’ve always been a big fan of smoking the ganj. In fact, it was while I was baked out of my mind with a couple of friends that I first thought to run for President, and now – well, here I am.”

President Trump said that with the increased tax revenue from the sale of marijuana nationwide, he hopes to build the border wall.

“Honestly, legalizing on a federal level will bring in trillons of dollars for this country. It will boost the economy and the government will be flooded with new monies,” said Trump. “I will have my wall built by the end of the year.”

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Michelle Obama Says She Plans To Run Against Trump in 2020 – With Barack As Her V.P.!

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a shocking move, Michelle Obama says she is ready to begin campaigning for a shot at the White House in 2020. The announcement comes after several months of speculation, but with Michelle always saying it wasn’t going to happen. The news also includes a shocking running mate – Michelle’s husband, former President Barack Obama.

“We had to look into the legalities a lot, because we were not 100% sure it could happen, but it turns out, everything is in order,” said Michelle Obama in a statement. “Barack finished his two terms as elected President, but would be allowed to serve two more terms as Vice President, were he able to get elected with a running mate who is eligible for the office. I believe I’m more than qualified for the job.”

When questioned about the issue, though, that if something were to happen to her after election, Barack would become President for a third term, Michelle smiled slyly.

“Yes, well…you do never know what the future holds,” she said.

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President Trump Readies Deportation of Melania After Huge Fight At White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump says he is beginning the preparations for deporting his wife, Melania, back to “whatever third world shithole she comes from,” according to official White House documents.

According to reports, Melania and President Trump had a bitter argument in the middle of the Oval Office, although the stories differ as to what caused the argument in the first place, with most sources stating that President Trump dislikes being referred to be his wife as “President Cheeto.”

“Frankly, I think it’s a sweet term of endearment from a wife to her husband,” said one anonymous staffer. “He really is taking it the wrong way. Now, of course, when she refers to his penis as the President’s ‘little Cheeto Puff,’ that might be crossing a line. But still – they’re married, you’re supposed to work these things out.”

President Trump said that he has been married enough times in his life, that “ditching one more won’t make much of a dent” in his life.

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After Record Number of Children Disappear, Man Arrested With 47 Kids Found Locked In His Basement

MIAMI, Florida

A Florida man has been charged with felony kidnapping and attempted murder after authorities discovered 47 missing children locked in the basement of his home.

According to police, more than 50 children have been reported missing in Miami since last Monday, and police were at a loss about the disappearances, until a tip lead them to the home of Mario Wilson, 50. Police say that an anonymous call led them to them.

“We have no idea who made the call, or how they knew where to find the children, but we are grateful,” said police chief Mitch Rogers. “We have found 47 of the 52 children reported missing. We are still hunting for the 5 remaining children, and at this point, we have no reason to consider them anything other than ‘missing.’”

Wilson reportedly was luring children into his home with the prospect of watching an unreleased Pokemon movie, to which every child gleefully ran into the home. Inside, they were disappointed to find that it was just a VHS tape of old recorded episodes.

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