Tag Archives: iPhone

Faux Report

Faceswap App Gets Man Arrested For Murder

faceswap

MURPHY, Delaware – 

James Gordon, 36, was arrested last night after he posted a face-swapped picture to his social media pages, say police. Gordon, who swapped faces with a picture of a man on a bus stop ad, said he thought the picture was “hilarious,” but someone who reported the picture definitely didn’t think so.

“There was a case of mistaken identity like I’ve never seen before,” said police chief Joel Silver. “The merging of the two faces that Mr. Gordon posted made him look exactly like a man we’ve been searching for. It was uncanny.”

Gordon says that police burst into his home at 12 Meadowlark Trail, guns drawn.

“I was terrified; I had no idea what was going on,” said Gordon, a construction worker. “Then when they told me I was being arrested for murder, I nearly had a heart attack.”

Lawyers for Gordon fought for his release, after they made police actually take a good look at him.

“They said, ‘look at this guy – does he look like the guy you’re after?'” said Gordon. “Police had to admit that I didn’t, but I did in that face swap picture, and that’s what they arrested me based on. It was truly bizarre.”

Police are now searching for the model who was used in the bus stop ad for questioning in their murder investigation.

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Symphony

February 23, 2016

Trump calls Apple boycott over FBI (Time)

Video: Biden argued against SCOTUS nomination in 1992 (Examiner)

Video: Trump would prosecute Hillary (Examiner)

The Sanders dilemma (NY Times)

FBI makes a big deal about how it’s ‘no big deal’ (Market Watch)

FBI letter lectures Apple, but FBI can’t do it themselves (Lawfare)

FBI v Apple (Quartz)

Video: Carson meets with Cruz (Cavuto – Fox)

Forensics pathologist: Scalia could have been poisoned, but natural is the plausible explanation (NY Post)

continue reading

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Faux Report

Compulsively Checking Your Phone Can Lead To Brain Tumors, Study Finds

phone

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Harvard College have released their findings of a recent study, detailing the effects of compulsively checking your phone.

“What we’ve found is that people who check and use their phone more often, die younger and with more violent, harsh deaths,” said Mark Cooban, who headed the study. “You see, the more often you check your phone, the more likely you are to development cancerous brain tumors, tremors, panic and anxiety attacks, cancer, AIDs, Hep-C, broken bones, vision loss, hearing loss, heart murmurs, and a slew of other issues.”

Although the study is not final, Cooban says that people should take warning of the study’s findings.

“We still have a long way to go, but I will say that of the 4 people in the study, 2 have died due to their phones,” said Cooban. “One was hit by a bus while crossing the street and texting, and another fell off a cliff while trying to send a snapchat picture of themselves to friends. Although not technically what we were looking for, we count those deaths as phone-specific.”

 

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Faux Report

iPhone 6 to Retail in China for One Kidney

BEIJING — Apple CEO Tim Cook announced last week that, in addition to RMB, Chinese customers could purchase the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus with working kidneys.

“We’ve seen huge demand from the Chinese market to exchange human organs for our products,” Cook said in a press conference. “Now every Chinese citizen, ages eight and up, can afford at least one iPhone.”

Suggested retail prices range from one kidney for the 16GB iPhone 6 to a kidney and a lung for the iPhone 6 Plus 128GB model.

“The organs do not have to be yours,” Cook added, “so long as they function.”

“Now every Chinese citizen, ages eight and up, can afford at least one iPhone.”

Though public health officials have roundly criticized the idea, China Mobile alone has received nearly 800,000 kidney down payments since stores began taking preorders on Friday.

Online retailers are also accepting preorders via mail, reminding customers to pack their tissues tightly in ice before mailing them.

One Beijing college student, Luo Yihan, plans to remove his kidney this week in preparation for the October 17 release date.

“I’m just one of those guys who has to be the first to remove a non-vital organ to get the latest gadget,” he said.

Hospitals in major cities are gearing up for the flood of operations, preparing beds to accommodate techies who’d rather not pay the 6,000 yuan price tag.

But even with the new terms, some still can’t afford the new device. One cab driver lamented that he couldn’t buy the new smartphone because he had already spent one kidney on a 5S.

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