Tag Archives: Health/Fitness

Faux Report

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina-Scented Candle Is Reportedly Giving People Herpes in Their Nasal Passages

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been shilling garbage Goop products for years – items that have been proven multiple times to be a sham at best, and potentially life-threatening in their bad pseudoscience at worst. But her latest endeavor, Goop candles that smell like her former A-list vagina, have added a new treat for people dumb enough to buy it – the candles are giving people herpes in their nose.

Paltrow, perhaps best known for playing Robert Downey Jr.’s love interest, Pepper Potts, in the Iron Man films, has fallen to the levels of midnight pitchman over the last few years, and for some reason thought that selling candles scented specifically like her putrid pussy would be hot sellers. Somewhat confusingly, she appears to be right, as the candles are selling, but as they are made from the “natural juices” of Paltrow’s poon, they smell like her vagina, and are also causing people who burn the candle too long to contract herpes.

“I first noticed that I had a weird bump on the outside of my nose,” said Kirk Brown, who has estimated he’s spent around $2,000 on several hundreds of Paltrow’s candles. “I thought it was a pimple. It happens. After it got severe, and I started to feel the bumps in my nose, I went to the doctor. A test confirmed it was nose herpes. I didn’t even know it was possible!”

“I only burned one of her candles for a very short time,” said Melissa Rogers of Atlanta. “I got it as a gag gift from a co-worker at Christmastime. It smelled horrendous; like a cross between stale pee and the cheese you scrape out of an infected vagina. I was not a fan. I became less of a fan when it became clear that I was getting nose herpes. It’s hugely embarrassing.”

Multiple people say they have had similar experiences, and a lawyer has been contacted in at least one of the cases in hopes of a class-action suit. Reps for Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina could not be reached for comment.

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Faux Report

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina-Scented Candle Is Reportedly Giving People Herpes in Their Nasal Passages

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Gwyneth Paltrow, who has been shilling garbage Goop products for years – items that have been proven multiple times to be a sham at best, and potentially life-threatening in their bad pseudoscience at worst. But her latest endeavor, Goop candles that smell like her former A-list vagina, have added a new treat for people dumb enough to buy it – the candles are giving people herpes in their nose.

Paltrow, perhaps best known for playing Robert Downey Jr.’s love interest, Pepper Potts, in the Iron Man films, has fallen to the levels of midnight pitchman over the last few years, and for some reason thought that selling candles scented specifically like her putrid pussy would be hot sellers. Somewhat confusingly, she appears to be right, as the candles are selling, but as they are made from the “natural juices” of Paltrow’s poon, they smell like her vagina, and are also causing people who burn the candle too long to contract herpes.

“I first noticed that I had a weird bump on the outside of my nose,” said Kirk Brown, who has estimated he’s spent around $2,000 on several hundreds of Paltrow’s candles. “I thought it was a pimple. It happens. After it got severe, and I started to feel the bumps in my nose, I went to the doctor. A test confirmed it was nose herpes. I didn’t even know it was possible!”

“I only burned one of her candles for a very short time,” said Melissa Rogers of Atlanta. “I got it as a gag gift from a co-worker at Christmastime. It smelled horrendous; like a cross between stale pee and the cheese you scrape out of an infected vagina. I was not a fan. I became less of a fan when it became clear that I was getting nose herpes. It’s hugely embarrassing.”

Multiple people say they have had similar experiences, and a lawyer has been contacted in at least one of the cases in hopes of a class-action suit. Reps for Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina could not be reached for comment.

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Faux Report

New Breed of Mosquito Has Been Found To Impregnate Women After Biting

PALM BEACH, Florida – 

The U.S. government warn of three cases in Florida of people affected by the so-called “mosquito chirulí,” able to make a woman pregnant with just a single bite. The cases have been located in Miami, Tallahassee, and Palm Beach. and those affected have been quarantined while the cases are investigated.

The existence of this mosquito was known at the end of 2016 in Uganda and Kenya, but never before have there been cases outside these countries. It is a mosquito that has mutated and is able to impregnate a women via a very specific set of circumstances, one that requires no sperm to fertilize the ovum in fertile women. There is information that this mosquito has been responsible for more than 2,000 pregnancies in Africa.

It is unknown how it was possible for the “chirulí mosquito” to reach the United States, but the authorities are already taking the necessary measures to prevent more cases from occurring. An appeal is made to all women of childbearing age who feel the bite of a mosquito to go immediately to their doctor to receive the Plan B, morning after pill.

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Man Hospitalized After Getting Battery Stuck In His Anus, Says He Thought It Would ‘Give Him More Energy’

MIAMI, Florida – 

A Florida man was taken to a Miami hospital after reportedly getting a large, D-cell battery stuck in his anus. The man claimed that he thought that the battery might give him the “energy boost” he would need to get through the rest of his day at work.

Doctors were able to extract the battery without seriously invasive surgery, but warned that putting things into your anus can “cause serious, irreparable harm.”

“This man, Joe Kennedy, who asked not to be publicly named, is very lucky,” said Dr. Frank Grates, the surgeon who extracted the battery. “He certainly could have done a lot worse. Thankfully, in this case, he went larger, and it was easy to grab. Had he gone with an AAA battery or something, and we might still be digging around in his colon.”

 

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Man In Coma For 26 Years Wakes Up, Decides To Be Medically Induced For An Extra Year So He’ll Be Eligible For Retirement

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Richard Atkins, 64, has been in a coma for the last 26 years, the result of a hit-and-run car accident that left him hospitalized. Although doctors had told Atkins’ wife, Miranda, that they believed if he ever woke up that Richard would be a complete “vegetable,” Miranda decided not to pull the plug.

“I’m so glad I listened to my gut, I knew he’d wake up eventually,” said Miranda. “I am concerned about his choice to be put back under though.”

Doctors were flabbergasted that Atkins woke up last Tuesday morning, cracking jokes and asking for lunch.

“He is a marvel of the medical world, that’s for sure,” said Dr. Francis Joseph. “I’ve been treating Atkins as his doctor for the last 20 years of his 26 years in a comatose state, and I never expected this. He woke up, was fine, and didn’t seemed at all bothered he’d been in a coma for nearly 3 decades. In fact, he asked to be put back under for another year so he’d be eligible for his social security and retirement benefits.”

Doctors say that they initially declined to give in to Atkins’ request, but eventually were persuaded.

“I told them that I had memories of being sexually abused while in my coma by hospital staff,” said Atkins before they put him back under. “Don’t tell anyone that it was total crap, I don’t remember a thing. I just don’t want to work again. Work sucks.”

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Man Buys Over $10,000 Worth of Girl Scout Cookies, Dies Trying to Eat Them All Himself

EDGEWORTH, Florida – 

A Florida man has died after he attempted to eat over $10,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies, which is approximately 1500 boxes.

John Richards, 43, died after his 87th box, when he suffered both a massive stroke and a major heart attack simultaneously.

“I have no idea what made that fat shit think he could finish off all those boxes, or why he even tried,” said Marlene Richards, 40. “I’ve been married to John for 20 years, and on his ass about his weight pretty much this whole time. When he heard that the Boy Scouts were going to allow girls in, he told me he thought that the cookies would ‘go extinct,’ and he wanted to get all he could. Dumb bastard.”

Police say they had to hire a team of movers to get Richards’ body out of the home, as he “weighed close to that of a grand piano.”

“The thing that really pisses me off is that he cashed out his life insurance policy to buy the cookies,” said Marlene Richards. “What in the hell am I going to do now? Eat the rest of these cookies for the rest of my life? God, I hate that fat lard.”

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Planned Parenthood Announces They Will Stop Performing Abortions At All Clinics Nationwide

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

In a press release from Planned Parenthood, the non-profit company announced today that they would be ceasing to perform any abortions at any of their clinics throughout the country. The reason, they say, is not because of increased pressure from religious groups or right-wing nutjobs, but because they just really are sick of it being their “sole focus” in the media.

“We do so many amazing things for women, and for families in genera,” said Planned Parenthood CEO Marge Brock. “All anyone ever talks about is ‘gee, do you know how many abortions the perform,’ and that sort of thing. Frankly, it’s taking away all the resources of our other services, and we don’t have time to bother.”

Brock says that they will continue to council women on where they can get safe, medically performed abortions should they ask, but they won’t do anything in their facilities.

“We think this change will be great, and allow us to let people know about all the good we do,” said Brock. “Maybe now all these assholes will stop standing outside our offices with badly written signs and hatred, and they can go back to the internet where trolls belong.”

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California Passes Law to Completely Ban Cigarette Sales

SACRAMENTO, California – 

Lawmakers in California have passed a new law through the House that will completely abolish the sale of cigarettes throughout the state, according to reports. The new regulation, which will cost the state billions in tax revenue, will supposedly save upwards of 2 million lives per year.

“We have known forever that smoking is stupid shit, so why are we still selling cigarettes? Why is this still a thing?” said Representative John Lyman – D, California. “There is absolutely no reason to smoke. None. It doesn’t have a single actual benefit. It’s not like smoking weed, which, let’s face it, is awesome. Banning the sale will save lives, and help children not pick up the habit.”

The law will not go into effect until January of 2020, but Lyman says he hopes that many stores stop selling before then.

“I doubt they will, but it really is something we’re hoping the public helps us with,” said Lyman. “I mean shit, this isn’t Alabama. We’re a lot more sophisticated here.”

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Want Your Baby To Have Beautiful Green Eyes? Eat Your Boogers During Pregnancy

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

It all started as a simple thread in a well-known Spanish forum called “forocoches,” where someone posted the following question: “If I eat snot, will my children have green eyes?”

The post went viral around the world generating discussion. That’s why researchers at Harvard University in Boston, Massachusetts decided to study the effect – expecting to find no correlation. Their findings turned out to be extremely surprising.

They concluded that swallowing snot increases 80% the chances of green eyes for the baby.

“Believe it or not, we already knew about some benefits of eating your own boogers,” said Dr. Sam Not, who headed up the research. “It actually has health benefits, including boosting your immune system. What we didn’t know was that it directly correlated to eye color in the fetus of a pregnant woman. Our findings were astounding.”

Unfortunately, the news broke quite quickly, and has since become viral on social media. With doctors advocating for snot eating, many mothers-to-be are asking the really tough questions, such as “does snot contain gluten?” and ”If I’m a vegan, can I eat my snot?”

“Sorry to say, that medical science has not quite caught up to those questions yet,” said Dr. Not.

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Study: Showering Daily Decreases Penis Size

TOKYO, Japan –

A study from a prestigious Japanese university proves that the size of the penis decreases proportionally according to the number of showers a man takes. The study, which was initialized by Dr. Eypee Frealy, found that in a sample size of over 1000 men of various ages, their penis size would decrease based on the number of showers they took.

“Japanese people are known to have a smaller penises, but we wanted to find out if this was true,” said Dr. Frealy. “Of course, the study proved it was factually correct compared to other countries, but it also means that that the Japanese are the cleanest men in the world – it’s the perfect excuse.”

Dr. Frealy explained that the phenomenon happens due to two separate factors – Washing causes friction that causes erosion at the area, and excessive hydration.

“In one instance, an excessively clean man had completely lost his penis up inside his body. He showered and washed 5 to 6 times each day for a year. His OCD completely caused his penis to disappear,” said Frealy. “It’s a rarity, but it happened.”

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Government Releases The Cure For Cancer, But With The Largest Price Tag of Any Drug in History

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a breakthrough discovery, officials at the Scientific Lab For Study and Research in Washington, D.C., have developed the world’s first 100% cure for all types of cancer, no matter the region in the body or the severity. Researchers have been working on the drug for more than 20 years in secret, and trials on human subjects were just completed earlier this year.

The drug, which is already approved by the FDA for use in patients, has the largest price tag of any in the history of medicine. A single injection costs $4.7 million dollars, with the course of treatment needing a total of 52 injections over the course of a year. Final cost for the treatment? Nearly $2.5 billion dollars per person.

“We know that it’s really, really high, but frankly, there’s not much we can do about it,” said lead researcher, Mario  Jones, M.D. “The ingredients in the drug warrant the cost. We’re actually taking a loss on each injection by several hundred thousand dollars. I cannot speak to, exactly, what is in the drug, because of patent concerns, but let me tell you, it’s really a great deal if you can get your hands on it.”

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Parents Concerned By The Lack of Drugs Found Mixed In With Children’s Halloween Candy

BOSTON, MA

A large group of concerned parents say they are extremely disappointed in the lack of drugs found mixed into their children’s bags after trick-or-treating this year. They say the issue comes because of the scare-tactic posts and “clickbait bullshit” articles they’ve seen posted on their social media pages.

“Frankly, I was a little upset that Johnny only came home with a bag of candy, and there were no nugs of weed or gummy bears laced with ecstasy mixed in,” said Maria Jones, 38. “With all the articles you see floating around every year, and especially this year, I really expected something good to be in the bag. It’s a huge letdown.”

“Frankly, I blame the junkies for all of this,” said Chris Richards, 29. “We have an increased amount of avid drug users in this city, and so many people are using, there’s just nothing left to give the kids anymore during Halloween. It really sucks. My 7-year-old is pleased as shit about the M&Ms, but where’s my MDMA?!”

City officials say that this Halloween, like every Halloween throughout history, went off without a hitch, and there were no reported razor blades, needles, or drugs given out during the city’s trick-or-treating.

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Man Dies After Being Bitten by Daddy Long Legs

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

As most people know, the Daddy Long Legs spider is the most venomous spider on the planet, but their fans are generally not sharp or strong enough to break the skin of most animals, including people. Apparently, no one told Christopher Moore, 32, who was killed after being bitten by the spider on Wednesday.

Moore, who was renovating a new home, was bitten early Wednesday morning, and ended up being rushed to the hospital. Because doctors had never seen the symptoms of a DLL bite before, they had no idea what was causing Moore’s illness. He was pronounced dead only 20 minutes after sustaining the bite.

During testing, doctors were able to discover the cause; it has since been classified as the first fatality from Daddy Long Legs.

“Craziest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Charles Milstead, who treated Moore. “He had very soft skin, I guess. Damn spider bit right through him, and he died in minutes. I’m still flabbergasted.”

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Teenager Arrested and Expelled After Pretending To Be Transgender So He Can Use Girls’ Showers

transgender-sign

HORNWOOD, South Carolina – 

A student at a high school in South Carolina has been arrested and expelled from school after it was discovered that he was not, as purported, a transgender student, but was in fact just trying to sneak into the girls’ showers so he can see them naked.

As reported by World News Daily Report:

Soccamee high school officials were alarmed by the student’s indecent behavior after several students and parents lodged complaints and reported the “immoral behavior” to school administrators.

The transgender male student was recently allowed by school officials to use all female washrooms, including having access to the girl’s locker room, after he had asked to be treated as a biological female.

The transgender male student also allegedly bragged about how the school would let him take showers with the girls just because he “wore a wig” and “painted his nails” according to several students.

The student, who has not been named, was arrested after it was stated that he inappropriately touched several of the girls while in the shower, and even was found masturbating while the girls were changing.

“He always had this huge erection while we were in the shower, I never understood why the school allowed a boy to be in the girls’ shower with us,” one female student told local reporters. “And I do mean huge. It kind of made me wish that he wasn’t a she, or…whatever. I just wanted him to ask for my number. I’ve gone black, but I’d definitely go back for that.”

The student was expelled from the school, and arrested on charges of lewd conduct and sexual battery.

 

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