Tag Archives: dying

Faux Report

White House Doctor Says That ‘Stress of the Job’ Is Killing President Trump

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump wasn’t exactly a young man when he took the office of the President in January, but now, White House doctors are saying that the extreme stress of the job is putting an extreme strain on Trump, and he might not have much time left at this rate.

“His heart is working overtime, and his stress levels are through the roof,” said Dr. Mario George, Trump’s personal physician. “His blood pressure is over twice the levels it was before he took office. At this rate, and with his age and lavish lifestyle, he is a perfect candidate for a stroke within the next year.”

For his credit, President Trump called reports of his failing health “fake news,” and said he’s feeling better than ever.

“Yes, I said that this job was a lot harder than my old one, and that I miss my old life,” said Trump. “Yes, I look more tired and I’ve already put on some weight. Yes, my body is falling apart and I can no longer keep an erection without pills, but that doesn’t mean I am ready to go. I will be your president for at least another 7 years, I promise you that!”

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Faux Report

Terrorists Sending People Infected With ‘Black Death’ To U.S. As Form of Chemical Warfare

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The CDC has released a warning for doctors to screen patients with flu-like symptoms for the pneumonic plague, after ISIS has threatened biological warfare.

The disease, caused by a bacterium called Yersinia pestis, most often is transmitted to humans through rodent flea bites or by handling infected animals. Pneumonic plague differs from bubonic plague in its symptoms and the fact that it can be spread through the air rather than just by contact.

Unlike bubonic plague, pneumonic plague can be spread from person to person. According to the CDC, “Pneumonic plague affects the lungs and is transmitted when a person breathes in Y. pestis particles in the air.”

Usually associated with the massive waves of “black death” that swept across Europe during the Middle Ages, the plague still occurs occasionally in the United States, though it is treatable with modern antibiotics.

Although the disease is treatable, terrorists may try to catch people off guard. Pneumonic plague is one of the most pathogenic microbes in the world. Symptoms are sudden and similar to a violent flu, followed by lessions in the groin, armpit, and neck lessons. Eventually the fingers and toes turn black from lack of circulation followed by uncontrollable seizures and death within 36 hours. The CDC advises anyone with these symptoms insist they are tested for pneumonic plague.

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Faux Report

Man Creates Indiegogo Campaign To Pay For His Assisted Suicide

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PORTLAND, Oregon – 

A Portland, Oregon man has set up a crowdfunding page to help him pay for the expenses associated with his assisted suicide, including finding a doctor who will attend the event, as well as associated funeral costs.

Jimmy Rogers, 70, says that he has “absolutely nothing” left to live for, and wants to kill himself, but do it “properly,” according to the Portland Press Gazette and Herald. 

“I have lived here in Oregon my entire life. My wife is gone, we never had any kids, and I’m just sitting around, getting older by the minute,” said Rogers. “A friend of mine down at the rectory turned me on to the internet about 6 months ago. Fascinating thing, that internet. Anyway, I discovered a page where you can ask people to give you money, just like that, without doing a damn thing to earn it.”

Rogers says he saw a lot of people had received donations on everything from operations for their cat to a new pair of sneakers, all of which he referred to as “straight horse shit.”

“If these people want a pair of sneakers, they need to go out and get a damn job,” said Rogers. “That said, though, if people are just going to throw money at nothing, they might as well throw it at me.”

Rogers says he is seeking $15,000, which will pay for the doctor and his after-death expenses, with a little left over to send to his friend Roy, who is the person who helped Rogers set up his first computer.

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Faux Report

Beer Drinkers More Likely To Die Young, Have Miserable Lives, Says Study

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard School Of Study in Boston have recently released their findings about beer drinkers, something that the team says they have been working on for many years.

“College is a place of learning, but mostly, it’s a place to party, drink beers, and get laid,” said research head Joey Goldsmith. “We decided to study the effects of drinking beer on people’s lives, and follow the same study group over the course of 20 years.”

Goldsmith says that the study proved conclusively that beer drinkers die younger than non-beer drinkers, and that most of them go on to lead miserable, messy lives.

“We followed 50 party kids who spent most of their nights drinking, and 50 nerds, who spent their college careers working towards their goals,” said Goldsmith. “After 20 years with these people, 42 of our 50 beer drinkers were dead, and the other 8 were in rehab, prison, or homeless. Of the 50 studious people we followed, every single one had good jobs, good families, and 4 of them became millionaires in business.”

According to Goldsmith, the more beer someone drinks, the more likely they are to die young or become a “complete and total wreck.”

“I strongly suggest that if you’re going to college and you want to party, then stick to smoking weed,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, really, isn’t that the better option anyway?”

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Faux Report

Hair Stylists Stabs Man In Head With Scissors After He Refuses To Tip

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A Florida man is in critical condition after a hair stylist stabbed in him the head with a pair of scissors late yesterday afternoon.

According to police, Marvin Jones was getting his haircut at a StyleCuts location in Miami, and when he was done, he was paying via a credit card.

“Eye witnesses say that the assailant, Missy Richards, asked Jones if he would like to leave a gratuity on the card, but Jones declined,” said police chief Marvin Simmons. “At that point, Ms. Richards picked up a pair of scissors from her station, and stabbed Mr. Jones in the head or face area with them.”

“I’ve been cutting hair for years, and it still pisses me off when someone doesn’t tip,” said Richards, 29. “I mean, if you’re a grown-ass man, and you come in to my shop, or any shop that provides a service, really, and you can’t even be bothered to tip? Well fuck you, I’ve got a tip for you, then. The tip of my scissors in your damn face!”

Police have arrested Richards, and she is being charged with assault with a deadly weapon, as well as attempted murder. Doctors are unsure at this time if Jones will survive, but they say he will probably lose sight in the eye closest to where he was stabbed.

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