PORTLAND, Oregon –
Kyle Brenner, 50, was arrested on Friday morning after a garbage man noticed something funny in the trash in front of Brenner’s home.
“I went to lift up the trash barrel and a finger fell to the ground,” said Mark Jones, 29. “I’ve been hauling garbage for about 3 years, and I’ve seen some crazy shit end up in the trash, but that was the first time I ever saw something human fall to the ground.”
Police were called, and in the investigation, a full body was discovered, that of a woman in her late 20s who has yet to be identified. Brenner was arrested and brought up on charges of murder and improper disposal of human remains. While in police custody, Brenner admitted that he had done the exact same thing more than 50 times, and had never been caught.
“I have been kidnapping, raping, and killing young girls for longer than I can remember,” Brenner said during his police interview. “I have always disposed of them in the same way – putting them in black, Glad trash bags, and putting them on the curb for the garbage man. These women, they’re trash, so I’m just getting rid of them in the most obvious way possible.”
Brenner admits that he chose his victims based solely on size, and that the “smaller the better.”
“When it comes to my sexual preference, I don’t like children, I don’t like boys, and I don’t like animals, but anything else is fair game. When it comes to my preference in killing, I like tiny women,” said Brenner. “They can’t put up as much of a fight, and they fit better in the garbage cans. It’s just common sense, really.”
Brenner is currently being charged on 53 counts of kidnapping, sexual assault, and murder. If convicted, Brenner faces the death penalty.
PORTLAND, Oregon –
The Oregon Militia has been making a decent profit selling the dildos that have been donated to them lately, encouraging people to keep donating whatever they’d like. “Send us your bag of dicks!” read a recent post made on their social media page. They had hoped to get supplies to re-sell, but what they did not expect to receive was actual human remains.
Leaders of the Bundy family have come out on Youtube saying that the plethora of sex toys people were sending would not deter them from their mission of helping families. “We’re not going to let all your hatemail sidetrack us. We’re going to continue to do good for our families and this country.”
Since their video aired, they have received two packages which contained actual human genitals. Although they have taken over a federal building, the post office continues to deliver their mail.
“It’s very creepy for us to get actual human remains in the mail, but it’s more annoying than anything,” said Carl Bundy. “We want to be able to sell the items donated to us, and it’s illegal to sell human body parts. It’s a shame someone would throw away perfectly good penises like this.”
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“I am shattering and breaking religious mindsets off My people. I am shattering that thing to pieces and drawing them to Me in freedom.
Religion – it has been around for a long time; but now is My appointed time and hour to break off that religion from around My people; My precious children. It has held them back in bondage, in stocks, and has tied their hands.
With religion is no real power; but with freedom is great power. So I am breaking, breaking, breaking off its influence on My children’s lives and bringing them into greater freedom and life. It’s all about freedom.”