Faux Report

Michelle Obama Files For Divorce After Shocking Revelation; Barack Obama Admits: ‘I’m Gay!’

PHILADELPHIA, PA

Former President Barack Obama announced late last night that he had filed for divorce from his wife of 27 years, Michelle Obama, after he revealed a secret double life as a homosexual.

“It is with a bit of sadness and a whole lot of relief that I announce that Michelle and I have decided to separate, as I have admitted to her, as I’m doing now to the rest of the world, that I am a homosexual,” said Obama. “This may come as a shock to many, and anger others, but this is my personal business, and I would hope that everyone could respect my privacy at this time”

Representatives for Michelle Obama said that she and the former president would split amicably, and that Michelle herself was “not particularly shocked” by the revelation.

“We are very close, as close as two people could ever be, really,” said Michelle in a prepared statement. “I’ve known for many years about Barack’s secret life, and I fully support him in the direction that his life takes him. He was and is an incredible leader, a loving father and family man, and now he can go on to make some man very happy.”

Representatives for the Obama children, Malia and Sasha, could not be reached for comment, but their Facebook pages both were vacant of any comments on the split.

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Faux Report

Michelle Obama Files For Divorce After Obama Allegedly Caught In Sex Orgy

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Michelle Obama has reportedly filed for divorce from former president Barack Obama after allegedly catching him cheating in a massive sex orgy in their home.

According to an inside source, Michelle reportedly returned home early from a visit with family and found Barack Obama engaged in a sex orgy with “over a dozen” other people, both males and females.

“Michelle walked in right as Barack was mid-suck on a giant tranny named Pat,” said the source. “Apparently Barack has been having these secret orgies for over a decade, and this is the first time Michelle has ever found out. He apparently asked her to join, but she was shocked and ran from the house in tears.”

Neither Barack or Michelle could be reached for comment, but lawyers for both asked for “privacy” during this “extremely difficult” yet “oddly hilarious” time.

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Faux Report

Melania Trump Files For Divorce: ‘I Didn’t Sign Up For This’

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Reported By Now 8 News:

The world is in shock over the weekend after sources close to Donald and Melania Trump confirm that Melania filed for divorce over the weekend. The Slovenia born model has voiced concerns over her role as the First Lady of the United States, claiming that she “Didn’t sign up for this.” Sources close to the couple say Melania is not prepared to be ridiculed for the next four years over her immigration status, accent and her husbands infidelities.

“She’s been very upset ever since Donald announced he was running for president last year,” said a woman close to the family. “She wanted a role as a kept woman, not as a woman in charge of being a role model in this country. She is also not prepared to leave her luxurious lifestyle to live in a home as old as the White House. She thinks that the decor is despicable and beyond repair.”

This comes on the heels of Donald Trump’s announcement that he only wants to live in the White House part-time, in a desperate attempt to save his marriage.

READ THE FULL STORY HERE

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Faux Report

Bill Clinton Files For Divorce From ‘Nagging Wife’ Hillary

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Public records indicate that former president Bill Clinton has filed for divorce from his wife, current presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton, citing “irreconcilable differences.”

A lawyer for Ex-President Clinton said that he had “no comment” at this time, but said that Clinton himself had issued a partial statement on the matter:

For those who are wondering, yes, I have decided to leave Hillary after decades of marriage. The reasons are personal and, well – actually, a lot of the reasons are very, very public, too – but most of them are personal. I like having sex with multiple women, and Hillary likes to control everything, including me. It’s become too hard to live with such a maniacal, egotistical woman, and when she becomes president, it will ruin this marriage even further. We cannot see eye-to-eye, and so it is time for me to end this. I do not want to have sexual relations with that woman.

According to a lawyer, who does not represent either party, a divorce with this much equity, real estate, and other massive-ticket items, could take some time to sort out. It’s entirely likely that the pair will still be legally married until well after Hillary is sworn into office.

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Faux Report

Man Fakes Heart Attack To Get Out Of Wife’s Dinner Party

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KALAMAZOO, Florida – 

A Florida man was taken to the emergency room after his wife called 911, saying that her husband was having a heart attack.

John Williams, 43, was taken to a local hospital via ambulance, but on the drive, said that he was never having any sort of heart attack or any other medical issue – he just didn’t want to be around his wife’s “super boring friends” any longer.

“I pretended to have a heart attack, because it was the only way that I could think of getting out of there without being on the hook for it later,” said Williams. “We have this stupid dinner parties at least once a month, and all of my wife’s friends are snooty, pretentious, miserable people. They just come over for the free drinks and the free food, and then leave. We’ve never once been to a dinner part at one of their houses. At least I livened up the evening.”

Williams says he has no problem paying the bill for the ambulance, and the hospital visit.

“They had to check me out anyway, because it’s protocol, and apparently sometimes people have heart attacks for real and think they’re okay,” said Williams. “The doctor said my ticker is as good as it can be for my age. I have the heart of a 38-year-old.”

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Faux Report

Kanye Reportedly Leaves Kim Kardashian For Caitlyn Jenner

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

In an extremely bizarre turn of events, hip hop mogul and the internet’s favorite punching bag Kanye West has reportedly left his wife, Kim Kardashian, for her former step-father Caitlyn Jenner. According to reports, West and Jenner met during the filming of Jenner’s reality show, I Am Caitlyn, last year, and have been secretly meeting ever since.

Insiders report that Jenner and West have been secretly meeting in between her tapings of the latest episodes of her series, and that over time they have “fallen in love.”

“I am absolutely obsessed with Kanye, and with good reason. He’s gorgeous, talented, and he’s the only person in the world who I could honestly say is more self-absorbed than I am,” said Caitlyn Jenner. “It’s a shame; I never meant to wreck Kim’s marriage, but sometimes, love just blossoms.”

The usually mouthy West has remained mum on the subject of his new relationship, but his wife, Kim Kardashian, has reportedly been extremely vocal of her husband’s “misguided feelings.”

“Clearly it’s been awhile since he’s seen me naked, or else this wouldn’t be happening,” said Kardashian. “I don’t know how that is, since I literally just tweeted a nudie the other day. Hell, it was Facebook trending. How could he have missed it? I don’t understand. What does Caitlyn have that I don’t ha–…Oh, never mind.”

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Faux Report

Sick Woman Places Onions In Socks Around Room; Does Nothing But Annoy Husband

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

John Maher is threating to divorce his wife, Shirley Maher, if she refuses to get off Facebook after it linked her to a “cure” for her common cold.

After reading about the antibacterial properties of onions, Geraldine placed bowls of onions around the room and put sliced raw onions in her socks. She had read the phosphoric acid would enter her bloodstream through her feet. The article also promised that her room would not stink, since the onions would absorb bacteria which it claimed is the cause of most foot and body odor.

“I had a very stubborn cold so I would’ve tried anything. My husband was of course skeptical, but I don’t know- I think it helped,” she says.

John disagrees. “It didn’t do anything but stink up the house. Can’t get the smell of onions out of the mattress now. Of course it did not do a damn thing, since germs don’t go leaking out of your feet, and even if onions kill bacteria, the common cold is caused by a virus.”

John says this is not the first time something silly she read on Facebook has hurt their marriage. “Besides the fact I have to listen to all the damned gossip, she nearly burned the place down with some craft involving all my good sharpies and rubbing alcohol. It’s my own fault really. Mother told me not to marry Shirley. You wouldn’t believe it now, but I was quite the stud in my day.”

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