Michelle Obama Files For Divorce After Obama Allegedly Caught In Sex Orgy

barackandmichelle

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Michelle Obama has reportedly filed for divorce from former president Barack Obama after allegedly catching him cheating in a massive sex orgy in their home.

According to an inside source, Michelle reportedly returned home early from a visit with family and found Barack Obama engaged in a sex orgy with “over a dozen” other people, both males and females.

“Michelle walked in right as Barack was mid-suck on a giant tranny named Pat,” said the source. “Apparently Barack has been having these secret orgies for over a decade, and this is the first time Michelle has ever found out. He apparently asked her to join, but she was shocked and ran from the house in tears.”

Neither Barack or Michelle could be reached for comment, but lawyers for both asked for “privacy” during this “extremely difficult” yet “oddly hilarious” time.

Faux Report

Rapist Files Lawsuit Against His Victim, Claims Emotional Damage Because She ‘Wasn’t Into Him’

lawsuit

MIAMI, Florida –

A man who is being accused of raping a 29-year-old woman has filed a civil lawsuit in the Miami-Dade court system, claiming the the girl was “not into it,” and thereby caused his extreme emotional harm and psychological damage.

According to public records, Mark Hemmingway, 33, has filed a lawsuit against Marissa Clarke, 29, both of Miami, after she failed to “really get into him” while he was forcibly having sex with her. The suit alleges that even though Clarke was severely intoxicated, she had been giving Hemmingway “the eyes” all night at a party, and then later passed out.

“She had been giving me those ‘fuck me’ eyes all night at a party, and then I found her later on in the bedroom,” alleges Hemmingway. “She had her shoes on still, and everyone knows that means you’re fair game, so I went at her. I knew she wanted it, because she was giving the signals earlier. Turns out, though, she’s just a dumb bitch who wasn’t into me at all. I’m not sure if anyone realizes how fragile the male ego is, but the answer is…very.”

Hemmingway is suing Clarke for a whopping $1 million dollars, claiming irreparable emotional damage. Acccording to his lawyer, Hemmingway has a “good chance” at winning his case, even if it does mean that he is admitting to the sexual assault.

Faux Report

Yoko Ono Says She Had An Affair With Hillary Clinton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Yoko Ono shocked reporters yesterday when she responded to a question concerning the presidential run of Hillary Clinton and the possibility that she could become the first woman President of the United States in American history.

The artist and widow of John Lennon, who is in Los Angeles to present a collection of cups and saucers she is exhibiting at the Museum of Modern Art, totally took reporters by surprise by admitting she had not only met the former First Lady at various times during a series of protests against the Vietnam War in New York in the 1970s but also knew her “intimately”.

The celebrity admitted laughingly to having “a fling” with her at the time and acknowledged her election “would be a great advancement for LGBT and Women rights in America” she added.

Hillary Clinton has been hit by a series of allegations of being a lesbian in her career which could ruin her bid for the presidency, believe some experts

Yoko Ono when asked about her thoughts about Hillary’s run for the presidency completely took reporters by surprise.

“We met many times during the New York Vietnam War protests in the 1970s, and became very intimate. We shared many of the same values about sexual equality, fighting against the authoritarian, patriarchal, male-dominated society we were raised in” she explained.

“We had a brief romantic fling when I lived with John in Manhattan and Hillary was studying at Yale, but eventually we lost touch. I am amazed how things are going well for her and wish her the best for her campaign” she told reporters during the press conference.

Experts believe the statement could affect the presidential candidates bid for the presidency but previous allegations of Hillary Clinton’s lesbian past have not seemed to play against the front runner for the 2016 Democratic presidential race yet.

Faux Report

American Psychiatric Association Officially Condones Pedophilia

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Psychiatric Association has released their latest journal, and it is causing an uproar in the psychiatric and medical communities. The APA, which is responsible for classifying and normalizing mental and sexual proclivities, has stated in their latest journal that pedophilia is a “natural, and ‘okay'” response.

“Ever since the government began its quest to “normalize” homosexuality and other perverse sexual behavior, conservatives have been saying it’s a slippery slope,” said Dr. Greg Carson of the APA. “Since children are reaching puberty earlier than ever before, sex with 11 to 14-year-olds should not be considered wrong. We found that at least a sizable minority of normal males would like to have sex with children, and normal males are aroused by children. With this information, we went ahead and published our study.”

The “Classifying Sex: Debating DSM-5” conference that happened in February in Washington featured speakers who condoned pedophilia as “natural and normal for males.” DSM-5 is short for the 5th volume of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which classifies disorders as provided by the APA.

Lawmakers are currently deciding whether pedophilia should still be illegal, as homosexuality was also once an illegal activity, until it was later discovered – and condoned – by the APA to be part of a normal, healthy mental state.

Faux Report

Company Creates Candles, Perfumes That Smell Like Dirty Sex Organs, Sweat

CARSON CITY, Kansas –

A new startup company has begun selling candles that smell like dirty sex organs and sweat, in scents they are labeling as “adult friendly.” The new business, called Dirty Birdie Scents, was started when couple Rick and Sheena Morrison realized how much they loved the smell of their home after a long, dirty sex session.

“Whereas some people have sex, and then need to air out the room or spray it down with colognes, we would have sex, and the stench of sweat, pussy, and ejaculate would fill the air, and we loved it,” said Rick Morrison, 30. “Sheena and I used to have sex in every room in our house just so we could keep it smelling that way all the time. We knew we couldn’t be alone in loving it.”

As it turns out, the couple was right. They began selling their products in 2014, and have since sold over $7.3 million dollars worth of sex-scented candles and perfumes.

“We love that people love the ‘smell of the fuck,’ as we call it,” said Sheena. “It’s a beautiful thing to make love to your partner, or even to some random man or woman you’ve never met, whatever floats your boat. Either way, the smell that is left behind is wonderful, and it’s obvious people agree.”

When they were asked about how they collected and bottled the scents that smelled so much like ‘dirty, raunchy pussy,’ ‘swamp ass,’ and ‘crusty limp dicks,’ the couple would only smile and shake their heads.

“That’s definitely our secret,” said Rick.

Faux Report

Labiaplasty Popular Among Teen Girls Looking To Have ‘Perfect Vagina’

LOS ANGELES, California –

Plastic surgeons on the west coast, particularly in ritzy areas like Los Angeles and Beverly Hills, say that they have recently seen a rise in labiaplasty requests from young women; plastic surgery on the vagina so that the girls can have, what they say, is the “perfect pussy.”

“I want it to be tiny, hairless, no extra skin, and everything tucked away, nice and neat,” said Samantha Kenner, 19. “I heard that all the Kardashians had their pussies tucked, and I have been saving for 2 years to get mine done. It’s going to be fabulous.”

In a recent poll, it was discovered that most women are completely dissatisfied by the look of their vagina, especially when it comes to extra skin or puffy labias.

“My vagina was wrecked after having triplets when I was 20,” said Maria Carson, now 31. “So I met with doctors who said they could completely rebuild my vagina from the ground up. I had them tuck away all the extra roast beef that was going on down there, and then they also laser-removed the hair, so I never had to shave or wax again. They also tightened up the actual muscles, so I’ve essentially got the vagina of a 13-year-old virgin again. My husband certainly isn’t complaining.”

Plastic surgery has been on the rise in the US for decades, but this new surgery has only been around for the last 2 or 3 years, say doctors. The costly surgery can range from $3,000 to a simple “meat tuck” to $20,000 for a full reconstruction.

Faux Report

Bill Cosby Says He’s Actually Gay, Couldn’t Possibly Have Assaulted Anyone

LOS ANGELES, California –

Extremely old comic Bill Cosby, who has been accused of sexually assaulting – or flat-out raping – so many women that the entire media has lost count, is now claiming that he couldn’t possibly have done anything to any of the women accusing him, because he’s actually gay.

“Yes indeed, I’m as gay as they come, woo-hoo, gay gay gay,” said Cosby. “Yes, I’ve been married for years, but in my day, it’s just what you did. You didn’t want anyone to know you were gay, so you snagged a woman and made her your wife. But really, I’m very gay. Why do you think I sucked so many pudding pops over the years? What man likes something to phallic who isn’t gay? Yup, gay gay gay.”

Cosby claims that he’s not using this defense as a way to try and take the blame off himself for his alleged crimes, but that he just feels now is the perfect time to “come clean” about his sexual habits.

“I have a lot of proclivities, but raping women isn’t one of them,” said Cosby. “I like men, always have, always will. Yup, don’t you forget it – gay gay gay. If someone says to you ‘Cosby rapes women,’ you correct them right there and tell them how gay I am, and that it’s not true at all. I’ve never raped anybody.”

Faux Report

Man Sues For Right To Be Sexually Harassed At Work

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Carl Smith, an office worker in Louisville, says that he is suing his employer, Carlton Business Solutions, over his right to be sexually harassed in the workplace.

“When I began working for Carlton, I did not sign an anti-sexual harassment policy disclosure, because I have no problems being sexually harassed,” said Smith. “Three years has gone by, and now HR is saying that I have to sign the paper if I want to continue working for the company. That isn’t fair in the slightest.”

Smith says that he wants to be able to be sexually harassed at work if another co-worker feels right in sexually harassing him.

“I’m not a pervert. I am not going to be hounding the ladies or making crude comments,” said Smith. “But that doesn’t mean that they might not to want to say something to me. Maybe they want to make a lewd joke that references the size of my penis. Or maybe they want to give me a playful ass-slap while I’m making coffee in the break room. Those are things I’m okay with, and as such, I refuse to sign any policies on the matter.”

Smith says that he has retained a lawyer, and plans on taking his case “all the way to the supreme court,” if necessary.

“I don’t have anyone to go home to a night, and this job is all I have,” said Smith. “I want to make it the kind of environment that I feel comfortable working in, that’s all.”

Faux Report

Donald Trump’s Wife Melania Is Revealed To Be Sex Robot

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Technology has advanced well beyond what most of us would have ever dreamed up. Between the supercomputers in our pockets to Google’s self-driving cars, we live in an age of wonder. Japan has been at the forefront of another technology for many years in the form of sex robots, or uber-realistic robots that can be used for sexual pleasure and, frankly, not much else.

It has recently been discovered that Donald Trump’s wife, Melania Trump, to whom the Donald has been married for the last 10 years, is actually a lab-created robot who was built for the Republican candidate on special order.

“She is beautiful, charming, and she’s an amazing lay,” said The Donald to a group of supporters, recently. “No woman in her right mind would be with me with those atributes. Not even with my wealth and power. I know that – I’m not as dumb as the media makes me out to be. No, instead, I had the best engineers in Japan build Melania for me in a lab. She is 100% to my specifications.”

Trump says that the best part about having a sex robot for a wife is that they “always give it up” when you want it, and it’s not even rape, because they’re not people.

“They also can’t get pregnant, which is fantastic, because no one likes pulling out, that’s for sure,” said Donald. “This model will be good on these batteries until long after I’m dead. It’s truly a marvel of modern technology.”

If Trump wins the presidency, then Melania will be the first sex robot to become the first lady, as well as the first straight sex-machine to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom since Marilyn Monroe had her affair with JFK.

Faux Report

Congress To Lift Age of Sexual Consent Across Country

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Congress has voted unanimously to completely lift the age of sexual consent in all states in the country. Currently, most states have laws that restrict sexual activity to teens aged 16, 17, or 18, depending on the state. Starting June 1st, the laws will be lifted, allowing children of all ages to begin copulating.

“The problem with the current laws, really, was that sex feels really, really damn good,” said congressman Joel Silver (R-Iowa). “Kids know that, and they’ve been having sex younger and younger over the years. In the early 1900s, girls were getting married and having families at 13. Somewhere along the way, those values were skewed. This helps to get us back on the right track.”

According to Silver, the bill was created to make sure that there were less people crying statutory rape unnecessarily.

“My son is 17, and his girlfriend was 16,” said Silver. “They dated for two years. Both myself and the girl’s parents knew that they were having sex. It was fine, until they broke up. At that point, the girl’s parents immediately cried statutory rape, and my son was arrested and charged. Is that fair? This fixes that.”

Silver hopes that children who begin sexual activity earlier will also learn about safe sex earlier as well.

Faux Report

Congress To Lift Age of Sexual Consent Across Country

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to Silver, the bill was created to make sure that there were less people crying statutory rape unnecessarily.

Silver hopes that children who begin sexual activity earlier will also learn about safe sex earlier as well.

Faux Report

Man Found Not Guilty Of Murdering His Wife After Jury Hears She Withheld Sex For Years

TAMPA, Florida –

Joel Lewis, 38, freely admitted in court that he murdered his wife, Joanne Lewis, 36, after 10 years of marriage. Although at that point prosecutors thought their job was finished, in a surprise twist, the jury found Lewis not guilty after learning the reason for Lewis’ act.

“My wife had not had sex with me in over 5 years,” said Lewis while on the stand, confessing. “It was a nightmare. I don’t need anything special. Just some missionary once in a while, maybe a good mouth-j on my birthday, but Joanne hadn’t even touched me in years. I promised to never betray her, and I just couldn’t cheat on her morally. I didn’t ever promise not to bludgeon her to death with one of her giant dildos, though.”

Prosecutors were seeking life in the murder case, but the jury foreman, Mark Richards, says that he didn’t see how he could possibly fault Lewis for his actions.

“There was 9 men and 3 women on the jury, and even the 3 women couldn’t believe what happened,” said Richards after the trial ended. “We only deliberated for about 3 minutes, and we went right back. We knew we had to vote not guilty.”

Lewis was immediately freed after spending the last 9 months in jail during his trial. He says that he is “extremely glad” that the jury understood what happened, and that he was just “so excited” to get back to his life.

Faux Report

Man Says His Cancer Was Cured By Contracting AIDS

DELUTH, Mississippi –

John Johnson, 38, was diagnosed with bone cancer in 2013, and was given 6 months to a year to live by his doctors. Today, Johnson is cancer free, thanks to what he says is the “life giver,” otherwise known as AIDS.

“When the doctors told me I had 6 months left, I was a mess,” said Johnson. “After a week or so, I pulled myself together, and I went out on the town. Nay, I went out on the country! I started traveling, and, frankly, I fucked anything that moved. It was a great time, but then I started noticing that I was losing some serious weight. I thought it was the cancer, but I was wrong.”

Much to his surprise, a return visit to his doctor shows that Johnson had completely beaten cancer, but that he had contracted AIDS.

“It’s crazy to me that all this time, the cure to cancer was right there in front of us,” said Johnson. “It makes total sense where there are no people with AIDS who also have cancer. It seems that the two diseases simply cancel each other out.”

According to his doctors, Johnson will live a life free of cancer, but that his outlook with AIDS is grim; they expect that he will not see the end of 2016.

“Hey, they’ve been wrong before, you know?” said Johnson. “At this point, I’m just going to keep doing my thing, and the good Lord Satan will take me whenever he’s ready to. Not much I can do except enjoy this time!”

Faux Report

Woman Gives Birth To Puppies After Admitting To Sex With Family Dog

PROVO, Utah –

Samantha Kedder, 24, has reportedly given birth to a litter of German Shepherd puppies after being hospitalized with severe stomach pains. Doctors were surprised to see Kedder go into labor, as she didn’t know she was pregnant.

“It was even more of a shock when three tiny puppies came out instead of a baby,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Provo Medical Center. “To be honest, we didn’t know this was possible. It’s both a marvel of modern medicine and extremely disturbing at the same time.”

Kedder admits that while she was recently living at home, she would often have sex with the family dog, Jonsey, because she couldn’t find a date.

“I didn’t know anyone in town. My parents moved to a new place, I lost my job, and had to move back home,” said Kedder. “I didn’t have time to meet any new guys while I was applying for jobs, so I would sometimes have sex with Jonsey. I don’t think it was wrong. He’s a big dog, and he wasn’t hurt by it. In fact, he really seemed to like it. I know I did.”

According to Dr. Brown, Kedder’s birth is the first on record for an inter-species relationship.

“This opens up a lot of doors in science and medicine that we thought were closed,” said Dr. Brown. “The fact that her eggs were able to be implanted by canine sperm, it’s just, well it’s just amazing. Still really, really gross, but definitely amazing.”

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Tag Archives: sex

Michelle Obama Files For Divorce After Obama Allegedly Caught In Sex Orgy

Rapist Files Lawsuit Against His Victim, Claims Emotional Damage Because She ‘Wasn’t Into Him’

Yoko Ono Says She Had An Affair With Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton has been hit by a series of allegations of being a lesbian in her career which could ruin her bid for the presidency, believe some experts

American Psychiatric Association Officially Condones Pedophilia

Company Creates Candles, Perfumes That Smell Like Dirty Sex Organs, Sweat

Labiaplasty Popular Among Teen Girls Looking To Have ‘Perfect Vagina’

Bill Cosby Says He’s Actually Gay, Couldn’t Possibly Have Assaulted Anyone

Man Sues For Right To Be Sexually Harassed At Work

Donald Trump’s Wife Melania Is Revealed To Be Sex Robot

Man Found Not Guilty Of Murdering His Wife After Jury Hears She Withheld Sex For Years

Man Says His Cancer Was Cured By Contracting AIDS

Woman Gives Birth To Puppies After Admitting To Sex With Family Dog