Faux Report

Labiaplasty Popular Among Teen Girls Looking To Have ‘Perfect Vagina’

labiaplasty

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Plastic surgeons on the west coast, particularly in ritzy areas like Los Angeles and Beverly Hills, say that they have recently seen a rise in labiaplasty requests from young women; plastic surgery on the vagina so that the girls can have, what they say, is the “perfect pussy.”

“I want it to be tiny, hairless, no extra skin, and everything tucked away, nice and neat,” said Samantha Kenner, 19. “I heard that all the Kardashians had their pussies tucked, and I have been saving for 2 years to get mine done. It’s going to be fabulous.”

In a recent poll, it was discovered that most women are completely dissatisfied by the look of their vagina, especially when it comes to extra skin or puffy labias.

“My vagina was wrecked after having triplets when I was 20,” said Maria Carson, now 31. “So I met with doctors who said they could completely rebuild my vagina from the ground up. I had them tuck away all the extra roast beef that was going on down there, and then they also laser-removed the hair, so I never had to shave or wax again. They also tightened up the actual muscles, so I’ve essentially got the vagina of a 13-year-old virgin again. My husband certainly isn’t complaining.”

Plastic surgery has been on the rise in the US for decades, but this new surgery has only been around for the last 2 or 3 years, say doctors. The costly surgery can range from $3,000 to a simple “meat tuck” to $20,000 for a full reconstruction.

 

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Faux Report

Teen Gives Birth To Eleven Babies, Claims She’s Never Even Had Sex

babies

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A 17-year-old girl gave birth to a record-setting eleven babies on Wednesday evening, smashing the previous record of 8. Mary Lambert of Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, says that she was not taking any fertility drugs before she got pregnant, and that she doesn’t even know how she became pregnant in the first place.

“My boyfriend and I have never had sex before,” said Lambert, whose father, George, stood nearby. “We have been dating since I was 14 and he was 15, but we’ve never done anything before, not even kissing.”

Doctors say that having eleven babies at once was something they’d never seen before, and dealing with delivery was extremely difficult.

“You ever see those old movies or shows where a clown gets out of a car, and then another clown, and another, and soon you have a whole fleet of clowns that just stepped out of this tiny car? That’s what delivering these babies was like,” said Doctor Eugene Banks. “It’s like this girl’s vagina was a very weird clown car.”

According to Dr. Banks, though, there is no way that Lambert has never had sex.

“Of course she’s had sex. She’s a 17-year-old girl with a boyfriend who just gave birth, naturally I might add, to eleven babies,” said Dr. Banks. “How else does she think she got pregnant?”

“My daughter is a good girl, and if she says she’s never had sex, then she’s never had sex,” said George Lambert. “Just like the virgin mother gave birth to baby Jesus so many years ago, so too is my daughter a virgin Mary. Of course, I only wish God could have sent just one baby. Eleven is a little much.”

 

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