Faux Report

Multiple People Hospitalized, Several Arrested During ‘Rush Limbaugh Has Cancer’ Celebration in Boston

BOSTON, MA

Over a dozen people were hospitalized and 11 people were arrested after a massive celebration broke out in the streets of Boston on Friday.

Last week, conservative dickbag Rush Limbaugh announced he had late-stage lung cancer, and liberals across the country let out a massive cheer. In Boston, a public celebration took place during the afternoon on Friday, with an estimated 35,000 people in attendance outside of Fenway Park.

“When I heard that Rush was going to die, I couldn’t wait to celebrate,” said Rick Baker, 39, of Boston. “If there were ever a more worthless, piece of shit, talking head on radio and TV, I don’t know who it is. I heard about the party on the radio Friday morning, called out of work, and headed down to the park  to party.”

Boston Police Department say that the gathering was not authorized, but they caught wind of the party on social media, and were able to send a “significant number of police officers” to the area to keep things under control.

“We were able to keep things really under control under the conservative protestors showed up,” said Boston Police Chief Frank R. Green. “The people who were there to enjoy the celebration were great. Unfortunately, some Rush supporters spoiled the fun. In the end, we arrested multiple people and our police forces had to, sadly, beat down many protestors who did not listen to directions to vacate the area.”

Green said that none of the “Rushers” had life-threatening injuries, and that most would be out of the  hospital within a few days.

“Next time, perhaps these people will listen,” said Green. “If a group of people want to celebrate the inevitable death of a world class piece of shit, we will support that. If you want to get in the way of that, we will ensure that you’re dealt with accordingly.”

Rush Limbaugh, who for some stupid reason received the Presidential Medal of Freedom last week, ensuring that it is now 100% meaningless, could not be reached for comment.

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Faux Report

Doctor Confirms That He Has Found a Cure For AIDS – But There’s a Slight Catch

doctor

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A researcher at the prestigious Harvard School of Medicine has found a cure for HIV and AIDS – something that doctors have been working on for nearly 40 years.

“It’s actually really simple,” said Dr. Marvin Hoek, who has been working on the project for over a decade. “The answer was right under our nose the whole time, and we have found a way to completely eradicate AIDS and HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in people.”

Dr. Hoek says that he began clinical trials in 2008, and stumbled across the cure in 2015.

“I have been working since that time to find a cure for what the AIDS cure causes, which is cancer.

According to Dr. Hoek, he says that in the over 10,000 cases of AIDS that he has eradicated, every single one of the patients ended up contracting cancer, and dying anyway.

“It’s really kind of a win-lose situation at this point in time, but we’re still working on the kinks right now,” said Dr. Hoek.

Hoek plans to publish the full scope of his work in the January 2018 Journal of Independent Medicine.

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Faux Report

Cancer Found To Be Cured Completed With ‘Extremely Common’ Item

researchers

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Boston Medical Center are planning to release a new study that proves that all cancers – even some of the most rare and previously un-treatable cancers such as brain or lymph node – can be easily cured with one ‘extremely common’ item.

“We have been working on a cure for Cancer for as long as we’ve known about the disease, and we have finally found the answer,” said Dr. Phil Brooks. “Really the cure was right there under our noses, as it were, the entire time.”

Dr. Brooks says that he and his team all developed a severe cocaine habit during the testing phase, as the long nights and early days were making it extremely hard to stay awake and concentrate.

“It was then we realized, after a night of doing copious amounts of blow, that we had the bright idea to test the drug on our lab rats. Within a month, all of the animals that we had given cancer were cured,” said Dr. Brooks. “We moved on a few months later to trials in adult humans.”

Of the 2,000 people that the doctors test the cocaine theory on, every single one of them had their cancer disappear within a few weeks, or sooner in cases of “common cancers” like skin or colon.

“It’s miraculous, truly,” said Dr. Brooks.

The team plan to publish their full study in the next Journal of Bizarre Medicine. 

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Faux Report

Johnson And Johnson May Go Bankrupt With Lawsuits

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Johnson and Johnson is expected to go bankrupt once they are forced to settle the multiple class action suits have been brought against them. The company is accused of continuing to sell baby powder even after finding out talc causes cancer.

While talcum powder is widely used to help keep skin dry and prevent rashes, when used on the genitals or buttocks, talc particles can travel up the vagina or rectum and remain trapped for years. These particles can cause inflammation and lead to the growth of prostate or ovarian cancer cells.

Families are urged to stop using baby powder now and lawyer up, as their child has a ten percent change of developing prostate or ovarian cancer.

“Prostate and ovarian cancer would not be nearly as prevalent if it wasn’t put on nearly every baby’s bottom for the last fifty years,” says Gabriel Evans, an attorney representing the victims. “They knew it was killing people and did nothing about it. It’s just another instance of the big-baby industry caring more and bout profit than human lives.”

Johnson & Johnson Company Group Chairman, Alex Gorsky declined to comment on the lawsuits, but is rumored to have stopped powdering his balls.

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Faux Report

Fake Maple Syrup Found To Cause Cancer

maple

BRIGHTON, Iowa – 

A new study performed on over 200 people found that fake maple syrup, the sugary-substance that can be purchased in grocery stores around the country, is causing cancer.

The study, which followed 100 people who ate real maple syrup every day on their pancakes, and another 100 who ate fake syrup such as Aunt Jemima. The 100 who ate the real syrup all contracted diabetes, but not a single one was found to have contracted cancer after 2 years of study. Of those who ate the fake syrup, 97 were found to have cancerous cells.

“It’s extremely amazing that this fake, sugary, blackened bottles of disgusting, fake syrup could be causing cancer, but based on our research, that’s exactly what is happening,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “Now, we’re not saying that fake, sugary syrup is the cause of all cancers, because that would be getting ahead of ourselves, but what we’re saying is that is not out of the realm of possibilities.”

 

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Faux Report

Vaping May Save Your Lungs, But E-Juice Shown To Cause Diabetes

vaping

GERALD, Florida – 

Over the last few years, many people have turned to vaping, or smoking e-cigarettes to help them quit smoking, or to ween of regular cigarettes. Although many people have said that vaping has help them to stop smoking, new studies are showing that instead of lung cancer, people who vape are more likely to contract type-2 diabetes.

“Do people even look at what is in the e-juice that they fill their vape machines with?” asked Dr. Emmett Brown of Harvard Medical College. “I mean, the ingredients in almost every single type we tested was nicotine and sugar. If it happened to be the nicotine free type of juice, then the ingredients were listed as sucralose and water – sugar water.”

Vaping has become increasingly popular in the last few years, but as more and more people take up the habit, the rate of type-2 diabetes in smokers has gone through the roof.

“Last year, in my clinic, we studied 200 people who were interested in quitting smoking. They began vaping, and all of them got of cigarettes,” said Dr. Brown. “Although this is a marvelous thing, every single one of them is also now a diabetic, and have to go on insulin and a special diet.”

Major vape companies, such as CoolVapesNow.com, have said that there is “no way” that their product causes any illnesses in its users.

“It’s just water vapor, man. I don’t know why everyone is getting so worked up about it,” said CoolVapes owner Myles Jones. “Vape on, that’s what I say. Vape on, bros.”

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Faux Report

Man Says His Cancer Was Cured By Contracting AIDS

aids

DELUTH, Mississippi – 

John Johnson, 38, was diagnosed with bone cancer in 2013, and was given 6 months to a year to live by his doctors. Today, Johnson is cancer free, thanks to what he says is the “life giver,” otherwise known as AIDS.

“When the doctors told me I had 6 months left, I was a mess,” said Johnson. “After a week or so, I pulled myself together, and I went out on the town. Nay, I went out on the country! I started traveling, and, frankly, I fucked anything that moved. It was a great time, but then I started noticing that I was losing some serious weight. I thought it was the cancer, but I was wrong.”

Much to his surprise, a return visit to his doctor shows that Johnson had completely beaten cancer, but that he had contracted AIDS.

“It’s crazy to me that all this time, the cure to cancer was right there in front of us,” said Johnson. “It makes total sense where there are no people with AIDS who also have cancer. It seems that the two diseases simply cancel each other out.”

According to his doctors, Johnson will live a life free of cancer, but that his outlook with AIDS is grim; they expect that he will not see the end of 2016.

“Hey, they’ve been wrong before, you know?” said Johnson. “At this point, I’m just going to keep doing my thing, and the good Lord Satan will take me whenever he’s ready to. Not much I can do except enjoy this time!”

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Faux Report

8-Year-Old Fakes Cancer To Scam Make-A-Wish Foundation

sick

ATLANTA, Georgia –

A family in Atlanta convinced their 8-year-old son to go along with faking cancer to get a free trip to Disneyland, say police.

The Marques family, including Mary and Lewis Marques, both 34, and their son, 8-year-old Henry, reportedly visited doctors for over 2 years in the Atlanta area, faking symptoms of severe sickness in hopes of getting a free trip to Florida through the Make-A-Wish foundation.

“The Marques family had a very sophisticated way of doing things, in that they would constantly research rare cancer types, visit a doctor in one area, then falsify medical records, and then visit doctors in another area, using the names and locations of the previous doctor,” said police detective Mario Ferreira. “It was all an extremely elaborate scheme. The amount of time they put into it was intense. At the center of it all, of course, was 8-year-old Henry.”

According to the family, the entire scam was Henry’s idea. He was watching an episode of the TV show House on cable, and asked his mother where they found all the sick people to be in the show. When they explained that everyone, including the children on the show, were all just pretending, Henry asked if he could pretend to be sick and get on TV.

“Henry would not stop hounding us about the kids pretending to be sick. Eventually, we relented, and told him that no, we probably couldn’t get him on TV, but we might be able to get him to meet Mickey and Goofy,” said Lewis Marques. “But he had to promise to never reveal his secret – that he was totally healthy.”

Unfortunately, the secret was revealed after the Make-A-Wish foundation was contacted, as the group often does their own medical check-ups on children. It was then they discovered that Henry was perfectly healthy.

“I’m really sorry for what I did, but I just wanted to be famous!” said Henry. “And then I found out I could meet Mickey, and that seemed so cool. I don’t have any cancers at all, but I do get a cold sometimes. Will that help me go to Disney?

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Faux Report

U.S. Tourists Report Seeing David Bowie Alive In Nicaragua

bowie

GRANADA, Nicaragua –

Several groups of U.S. tourists vacationing in Nicaragua report that they have seen David Bowie alive and well in the city of Granada. All of the reports come from various people who seemingly have no connection, and all of them say that the singer was happy and in good spirits.

“It’s weird that he’d fake his own death and come to Nicaragua,” said tourist George Felix. “I mean, he wasn’t exactly at the forefront of any controversy or really in the limelight that much. He could have probably retired and done his thing outside of the public eye with no bother.”

According to eyewitnesses, the I’m Afraid of Americans singer was seen in restaurants and clubs in Granada, as well as walking along the city’s beautiful beaches.

“I think it was a marketing ploy, honestly, set up by a bunch of greedy media companies,” said another tourist who says she saw Bowie, Marcy Jones. “He had the new album coming out, and now they’re remaking Labyrinth, which obviously will intrigue more people because Bowie is supposedly gone. All these companies coming together to fake his death and sell more of whatever they’re selling – it wouldn’t surprise me at all.”

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Compulsively Checking Your Phone Can Lead To Brain Tumors, Study Finds

phone

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Harvard College have released their findings of a recent study, detailing the effects of compulsively checking your phone.

“What we’ve found is that people who check and use their phone more often, die younger and with more violent, harsh deaths,” said Mark Cooban, who headed the study. “You see, the more often you check your phone, the more likely you are to development cancerous brain tumors, tremors, panic and anxiety attacks, cancer, AIDs, Hep-C, broken bones, vision loss, hearing loss, heart murmurs, and a slew of other issues.”

Although the study is not final, Cooban says that people should take warning of the study’s findings.

“We still have a long way to go, but I will say that of the 4 people in the study, 2 have died due to their phones,” said Cooban. “One was hit by a bus while crossing the street and texting, and another fell off a cliff while trying to send a snapchat picture of themselves to friends. Although not technically what we were looking for, we count those deaths as phone-specific.”

 

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‘Ultra Smoking’ Trend Proves Deadly As Cancer Rates Skyrocket

smoking

LOS ANGLES, California – 

In the ghettos of South Central, Los Angeles in California, young African-American men have turned to a new trend referred to as “ultra smoking,” or sticking as many cigarettes in as many orifices as possible when smoking. Ultra Smoking apparently started last year, and the trend quickly spread.

“Oh man, I’ve seen some mothafuckas who smoke a whole pack at once,” said ghetto thug Jamal ‘Crazy Crack’ Jones. “My boy Dion, that boy usually smoke three or four cigarettes at once in his mouth, couple in each nostril, even sometimes he’ll stick a few in his ass. I guess those ones are the hardest to inhale, but that dude, he figured it out.”

Doctors warn that the litany of ways that young black men can die, including sickle cell and gangland shootings, “ultra smoking” is the least of their concerns.

“Frankly, we don’t see that this so-called ‘ultra smoking’ will really make their lives any worse,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Cambridge University in Boston. “Most of these men will die young anyway. Between prison, gun violence, and white cops who don’t check their own privilege before firing off their guns, yeah, ultra smoking is dangerous, but not as dangerous as all the other activity these gang bangers get involved in.”

Other people aren’t so sure that Ultra Smoking should be considered a hip, new trend, though. Researchers as the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute found that smoking more than one cigarette at a time is 37% more likely to kill you, especially when you smoke the cigarettes through your ass.

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