Faux Report

32 College Students ‘Feel The Bern’ After Political Rally Turns Into Orgy, Spreads Chlamydia

Chlamydia-Mouth

KEENE, New Hampshire –

A group of college students at Keene State College in New Hampshire have all recently been treated in local hospitals for Chlamydia and a host of other STDs after a recent political rally in support of Bernie Sanders turned into a full-blown orgy.

“Everything started innocently enough. We were meeting to help figure out ways to support candidate Sanders, and things were going well,” said rally leader Joe Goldsmith. “After a few hours and a lot of drinks, one thing lead to another, and soon all 32 of us had our clothes off, and well, you know what happened.”

According to doctors at Keene Memorial Hospital, all 32 of the involved students contracted various STDs, including chlamydia and genital warts.

“This is what happens when young people get together and try to change the world,” said Dr. Myles Kennefic. “They lose their focus, and everyone gets fucked. This is what the world is coming to. That’s why I’m voting Trump.”

Standard
Faux Report

Woman Arrested On Bestiality Charges Say ‘No Man Could Satisfy’ Her

doggirl

PHOENIX, Arizona –

A woman who was arrested and charged with having “oral and vaginal sex” with two canines says that she doesn’t at all regret the acts – which she says have been happening since she was 13 – because “no man” could satisfy her needs.

“When I was a teenager, I really wanted to have sex, but I wasn’t very attractive, and I was chunky, and all the boys just laughed at me,” said the woman, Brittany Sunny, now 20. “The one person who never laughed at me was my dog, Spot. He loved me for me. He loved me deeply, and I loved him. We started having sex when I was 13. He loved it, I loved it. After that, no man would do.”

Sunny says that Spot died a few years ago, and she fell in love with another dog, that she named Julius.

“Julius wasn’t as well endowed as Spot, but he still felt perfect,” said Sunny. “I tried dating men. I tried having sex with men. I love sex, but it’s just not the same when you’re having sex with a man. They can give you plenty, but they can’t give you everything. I just love taking the knot.”

Sunny, who is being held on $10,000 bail for animal abuse and cruelty charges, says she has “no regrets.” Lawyers for the state who are prosecuting her, say that they expect she will be placed into a mental facility to help curb her sexual proclivities.

Standard
Faux Report

New Study Finds Fat Girls To Have Better, Longer, and Harder Orgasms

fat

CHICAGO, Illinois –

A student-led research study has found that “curvier” girls have more intense, longer-lasting orgasms. Fraternity Beta Gamma Omicron has released data they have collected over the last four years. Members of the house took painstaking measures to ensure all the ladies the brothers slept with in or out of the house were surveyed.

“Girls were actually more than willing to rate their orgasms. I think they were happy that the brothers were so concerned about how the experience was for them. The hardest thing was getting the girls to step on the scale and let the pledges take their measurements. We assured them the data was just for scientific purposes, and would be kept completely confidential,” says collegian Dirk Rush, who was in charge of analyzing the data.

Beta Gamma Omicron alumnus, Ross Allen, says he has a theory that may explain the results. “Back in my college days I’d do five, maybe six different girls in a weekend. The bigger they were, the louder they screamed. I think big girls’ bodies are so grateful when they finally get off, it’s like an explosion.”

The study is being taken very seriously by the medical community, and many male scientists have volunteered to conduct their own studies.

Standard
Faux Report

Gwen Stefani To Give Up Sex In Exchange For Shoes

gwen

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

After finding incrementing text messages between Blake Sheldon and his ex, Miranda Lambert, Gwen Stefani says she is done with men. She recently tweeted to fans, “Shoes are so much better than sex.”

She later tweeted that she had gotten a steal on some gold Giuseppe Zanotti sneakers with vibrating soles. Although some say she is just using shoes as a distraction to forget her heartbreak, her shoe fetish may have, in fact, negatively affected her relationship to begin with.

Stefani’s now ex-boyfriend, Shelden, has told Source Magazine that Gwen’s shoe fetish was something that always came between them. “Hey – nothing was going on between me and Miranda, but I may have asked her for some advice. Gwen would demand we have sex in her shoe closet. It was uncomfortable! Or she’d stop riding me to change shoes. She wouldn’t look me in the eyes when she got off. She’d stare at her Busemis. It was tragically bad. I should have know that I’d end up her ex-boyfriend.”

Standard
Faux Report

Teens Make Pregnancy Pact Hoping To Get On MTV Series ’16 & Pregnant’

16

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

The parents of Marley Simpson, age 16, and Brittany Lott, age 15, have been granted permission by a local court to keep their children under house arrest after the parents found out the girls have made a pact to get pregnant.

Marley’s mother, Kaitlin Simpson, says they wanted to get pregnant at the same time so they could be on MTV’s show 16 and Pregnant. “Marley says I shouldn’t have been snooping and reading her diary, but I am damn glad I did so I could put a stop to this nonsense. I told the girls that 15 minutes of fame is no reason to throw their lives away and bring a child into this world. Of course, you know I would be the one taking care of it anyway.”

Courts have approved the petition of the Simpsons and Lotts to keep their daughters under house arrest, even providing ankle bands so police will be alerted if the teens try to leave the house.

Brittany’s father, Jim, says he has also installed cameras around the house so he can monitor his daughter remotely. “Brittany’s a sneaky girl. I knew keeping her home wasn’t enough. I had signs made with pictures of me and my rifle and I posted them all over the lawn. I imagine that will keep those boy and their little peckers away, but if it don’t, I’ll be watching from inside.”

Standard
Faux Report

Woman Crushed To Death While Having Sex With Horse

horse

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

Elvis, a spotted saddle horse, has been removed from his owner’s custody after crushing a woman to death. According to husband Rick Brownlee, Mary Brownlee had grown up around horses and this wasn’t her first time, so he was not worried she would be injured.

Rick Brownlee, Steven Hutchinson, and Joseph Hutchinson, who all live in the home where the horse was stabled, were not immediately forthcoming about the manner in which Mary had been killed.

Officer Michael Deschenes says at first they pretended not to know how she had been killed when they were questioned.

“Of course it was suspicious because she had her pants around her ankles. There was a puddle of what appeared to be a large amount of ejaculate. I told them that they were going to fess up or they was all going to jail.”

The men finally confessed, and police seized a video showing Mary Brownlee’s last minutes. On the video the men can be heard cheering, laughing, and breathing heavily while the horse mounted Mary. Investigators say the cracking of her ribs can be isolated on the tape. Because Mary was being crushed she was unable to scream for help.

Joseph Hutchinson says they honestly did not know she was in trouble. “I heard a snap. Just thought it was the fence starting to give. I’m real sorry the horse had to go through this. You can tell he’s awfully traumatized over it.”

According to police, the horse will be placed with another local rancher who has promised that he will not let anyone have sex with it.

Standard
Faux Report

New ‘Hag Porn’ Fetish Taking Internet By Storm

haggard

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Jaded by the typical hot porn-star type, some men turn to amateur porn. Others though, are now indulging in “hag porn,” finding they have been desensitized to attractive women and need something more “sinful and dirty,” so they seek out disgusting, older, or haggard-looking women.

College student James Reynolds says hag porn is the only thing he can get off to now.

“Me and my bros used to laugh at those butter faces, but I can admit now we were secretly turned on by them. We’ve got some tapes in the frat house where my bros find the ugliest girl at the bar and bring her back. They’re always surprised at all these young dudes that want them, and more than happy to do anything we want.”

One reason hag porn is catching on in the industry is that it is so cheap to produce. Although a typical ugly chick at the bar may participate for free, the ugliest hags usually require a small down payment. One popular video shows the actors climbing under an overpass to find participants; They pay an older woman five dollars to make the film, while dirty homeless men look on.

“I have to admit, I am sick to death of porn stars with their heels still on, stupid long fingernails, and their incessant moaning,” said pornography addict Bob Thomas. “I like my women raw. Dirty. Fucking diseased, even, I don’t care. I just don’t want to see the same generic blondes getting dicked by big black men. Hag porn is the best thing to come along since the internet.”

Standard
Faux Report

Couple Arrested For Having Sex On Front Lawn of House

sex

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Exhibitionist couple Antonio Ramirez and Juana Dias apparently could not wait to get inside to get it on. They were reported by the neighborhood watch and arrested for having sex on their front lawn, partially hidden by a snow bank.

Attorney for the couple, Christopher Wagner, says, “Because they were doing it ‘doggy style’ they actually face additional charges here in New Hampshire where it is illegal to have sex unless it is in the missionary position, and for procreation only.”

Wagner says he feels the arrest was racially motivated. Latinos are the largest growing population in New Hampshire, now accounting for 5% of the population, which is a 50% increase since 2000. According to Wagner, the influx of Hispanics in the state has been met with resistance and prejudice. “If it was a white couple, we feel Ramirez and Dias would have gotten off with a warning.”

When asked why they were making love in the freezing cold, Ramirez says it was a rush, and at the time they thought no one could see them, although he did admit that “part of the thrill” was that they might.

Standard
Faux Report

Woman Knits Life-Sized Doll Of Son; Ex-Husband Says It’s ‘Too Creepy’, Sues For Custody

crochet

LOUSIVILLE, Kentucky –

Marieke Voorsluijs says she knitted a life-size version of her son because he is too old to cuddle with her. “I still need to smoother something with my overwhelming maternal love,” she admits, but according to her ex-husband that is not all she is doing with the doll. He is currently suing for custody of their 13 year old son. “He’s got it in his mind that I’m filthy and do dirty things with the doll. I knit it because I love him, but not because I love him. That’s just nasty.”

“My son told me they were visualizing his puberty gap or something like that. Whatever is going on, it sounds dirty. She takes the doll to bed with her. I know that much,” said Joe Goldsmith, Voorsluijs’ ex-husband. “I have no idea what has gotten into her head in the few years since we’ve been divorced. She used to be normal; I only divorced her because she was a bitch, not because she was creepy.”

Since news of Voorsluijs’ doll broke locally, many parents throughout the country have apparently contacted her in hopes of having a doll made of their own children.

“Lots of people love my crocheted child, and I know I do, too,” said Voorsluijs. “I am so glad that this is happening to me right now. People everywhere are asking about buying a doll of their child. Some are offering to pay thousands! This could be a huge business. Joe is just jealous I never made a doll of him, that’s all.”

Standard
Faux Report

Landlord Investigated For Allowing Tenant To Pay Rent In Sexual Favors

landlord

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Landlord Fred Wheeler finds himself under investigation for solicitation after bringing a former tenant to court. Re’Auna Perce claims Wheeler suggested she pay her back rent in another way. She says this is how she “paid” her rent for a few months, but later when she refused to give him oral sex “as a freebie,” he became angry and started exhibiting obsessive behavior.

“He was stalking me. He’d come in to Doc Hollandaise, [the restaurant] where I work, and ask to sit in my section. He’d take one of my tables for hours, so I couldn’t make no money from it…Knocked on my doors all hours of the day and night. Came into my apartment when I wasn’t home. My ten year old caught him going through my panty drawer. Then I said enough is enough.”

Perce says when she told him she was moving, he pleaded with her to stay, offering her a car and another month she could pay for with “one hour of work.” It was not until after Perce had moved that Wheeler brought her to court.

Perce says she was unaware that accusing Wheeler of solicitation would bring charges of prostitution upon her, but hopes to get a deal for her testimony. Wheeler has publicly declined that the sex had anything to do with back rent, and claims that it was Perce who could not keep her hands off him

Standard
Faux Report

Man Overdoses on Pink Himalayan Salt; Doctors Put Him On Life Support

salt

DENVER, Colorado –

Himalayan salt is said to improve respiratory and vascular health, lower blood sugar in diabetics, and reverses the signs of aging. Dave Cyrus read inititally tried it because he thought it would help seasonal affective disorder and give him more energy.

Within a few months he was ingesting so much pink salt, he was diagnosed with salt poisoning. Salt poisoning signs are often subtle at first, including lethargy, irritability, and bloating. With continued ingestion they can result in seizure or coma. Dave’s wife found him unconscious in the kitchen last week, barely able to move.

Wife Jessica says her husband became obsessed. “It started with those salt lamps. They have nice ambiance. I didn’t complain. Then he discovered pink salt. He’d just rave about how healthy he was, how good it made him feel – and if nothing else, he was definitely more horny. Whenever I warned him he was taking too much salt, he’d just whip it out, and I couldn’t argue with that.”

Dave remains at Mercy hospital in a coma. Jessica says she will keep him on life support as long as it takes. “When he gets out of this coma my first words to him are going to be, ‘I told you so, you lunkhead.’ My second words, though, will probably be ‘Can you whip it out for me again, though, hun?’”

Standard
Faux Report

Teen Gives Birth To Eleven Babies, Claims She’s Never Even Had Sex

babies

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A 17-year-old girl gave birth to a record-setting eleven babies on Wednesday evening, smashing the previous record of 8. Mary Lambert of Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, says that she was not taking any fertility drugs before she got pregnant, and that she doesn’t even know how she became pregnant in the first place.

“My boyfriend and I have never had sex before,” said Lambert, whose father, George, stood nearby. “We have been dating since I was 14 and he was 15, but we’ve never done anything before, not even kissing.”

Doctors say that having eleven babies at once was something they’d never seen before, and dealing with delivery was extremely difficult.

“You ever see those old movies or shows where a clown gets out of a car, and then another clown, and another, and soon you have a whole fleet of clowns that just stepped out of this tiny car? That’s what delivering these babies was like,” said Doctor Eugene Banks. “It’s like this girl’s vagina was a very weird clown car.”

According to Dr. Banks, though, there is no way that Lambert has never had sex.

“Of course she’s had sex. She’s a 17-year-old girl with a boyfriend who just gave birth, naturally I might add, to eleven babies,” said Dr. Banks. “How else does she think she got pregnant?”

“My daughter is a good girl, and if she says she’s never had sex, then she’s never had sex,” said George Lambert. “Just like the virgin mother gave birth to baby Jesus so many years ago, so too is my daughter a virgin Mary. Of course, I only wish God could have sent just one baby. Eleven is a little much.”

 

Standard
Faux Report

Daily Meditation Improves Orgasms In Men And Women

meditation

DOVER, New Hampshire – 

In addition to relieving stress, lowering blood pressure, and improving concentration, meditation has a new claim-to-fame. Meditating daily has been show to increase orgasm intensity, duration, and even load size in both men and women.

Chuck Young says he started meditating after seeing improvement in his wife. “I was wondering what she was doing in there when all that ‘omming’ turned into moaning,” said Young. “I’m not into that new-agey stuff, but after seeing how it’s helped her, I make time to meditate every morning. Not only are my orgasms much more intense, I feel better and am able to focus more at work.”

Orgasm improvement can be seen on day one. The key is mindfulness and not worrying about “doing it right.” Young claims it didn’t come easy at first, but he has made adaptations that work for him. “I haven’t learned how to clear my mind yet, so I meditate on breasts. Big, milky breasts. Meditation wasn’t easy at first, but not it comes to me like nothing.”

Standard
Faux Report

‘World’s Ugliest Woman’ Married To Man Who Wore Mask ‘To Make Wife Feel Pretty’

mask

JASMINE, Florida – 

The world’s ugliest woman, Joanne Jones, 32, was married last week to a man who obviously has no desire to be named publicly, but who spoke to Empire News about their lavish wedding.

“I married Joanne because although she may have the most hideous face in the world, she has a rockin’ body and she sucks like a champ,” said Jones’ new husband. “I wore a mask because I wanted her to feel pretty for just one day, at least. I mean frankly, it didn’t work. I still looked better in that mask that she did, but you know, she was happy. And because she was happy, I had one hell of a wedding night.”

“I was pretty sad when I was named Guinness’ ‘World’s Ugliest Person,’ but you know, it’s not that bad, really,” said Jones. “I do lots of speaking engagements. Public appearances. I make decent money doing that. And now I have true love. He definitely loves me, more than anyone ever has. He even wore that mask just to make me feel pretty. And that’s pretty awesome.”

“Make no mistake, I’m only with her because she’s a hell of a screw and makes good money and lives in a nice house,” said Joanne’s husband. “I went out with her on a bet, went to bed with her on a bet, shit I married her on a bet. The mask is, really, so no one knows who I am. I don’t want to be outed.”

“I love him so much,” said Joanne. “He’s the best.”

Standard