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Faux Report

Weathermen Predict Heavy Snowfall In Summer After Mildest Winter On Record

Meteorologists Predict Record Shattering Snowfalls Coming Soon; Bread & Milk Prices Expected To Soar

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey – 

Much of the country was unaffected by massive snowstorms this winter, with only one major storm hitting the Eastern part of the United States. Now, most meteorologists say that this summer will be the coldest in history, with much of the country seeing the snow they should have gotten in December and January coming in June and July.

“I know it’s extremely odd to see these types of weather patterns, but it’s true,” said TV weatherman Joel Goldsmith of WMTX in New Jersey. “What people don’t understand is that global warming causes extreme heat, and extreme cold, and it cycles. Most of the country experienced the warmest weather in recorded history, and those temperatures will not hold up indefinitely.”

Goldsmith says that he expects to see much of the United States getting hit with violent rain, wind, and yes, even snowstorms, throughout most of the summer months.

“Most of New England will be buried this summer, upwards of 48 inches of snow can be coming in one storm over multiple days,” said Goldsmith. “Come July, you’re going to feel like it’s Christmas out there, because there will be record snowfall. Be cautioned, it’s going to get ugly. It’s not just New England, either. The entire country will be affected by this. Get your milk and bread tucked away now; it’s coming, and it’s coming fast.”

 

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Faux Report

Donald Trump Plans To Reinstate Trump University, Offer Free Tuition To All Applicants

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has made a shocking announcement this morning, stating that he plans to reinstate his extreme failure, Trump University, and – even more surprisingly – plans to give all applicants free admission.

“This country has failed in many ways, and education is one of the biggest failures of them all,” said Trump. “My idiot competitors think that they can offer free healthcare, free everything without it costing taxpayers. Top of that iceberg is free college tuition. They can’t give that. It’s stupid to say they can. They’re stupid. They can’t promise that, but I can.”

Trump say that his new college, which differs from his old University in that it will actually be accredited and useful, will allow any and all students who apply to receive free tuition. He can accomplish this because he is filthy rich, and will funnel money from his other businesses to pay for the school’s needs.

“Bernie Sanders wants to give everyone a free education, but has he outlined a plan to do so? Not in the slightest,” said Trump. “My schools will be free, provide a good education, and be totally and completely free from tax increases.”

Trumps poll numbers soared on the announcement.

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Faux Report

Couple Find Child’s Thumb In Wendy’s Chili

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TOBY, South Dakota –

A South Dakota couple have allegedly discovered a child’s thumb in their Wendy’s chili. The finders, Mark and Julie Kavner, both 30, say that they ordered the same thing they’ve ordered every time they’ve eaten at Wendy’s – a small french fry, two bacon cheeseburger deluxe sandwiches, and a chili. This time, though, they discovered something extra.

“We were half way through the chili, and we discovered a child’s thumb near the bottom of the container. I started vomiting immediately,” said Julie Kavner. “It was the most disgusting thing that’s ever happened to me, and I used to work for my family’s septic and sewage company.”

Wendy’s spokesman Gerald Hawkins says that it’s “completely impossible” that there could ever be any digits found in the chili, because the food is made fresh on-site in each restaurant, and that the chain does not employ minor children.

“We strive for excellence every day in all of our locations,” said Hawkins. “We have been accused of this sort of thing before, but it was proven then that it was a hoax. We will prove it again using our internal restaurant investigators.”

The Kavners were advised by their attorney to make no statements about any planned lawsuits.

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Faux Report

Serial Killer Reportedly Disposed Of Over 50 Bodies Via Curbside Garbage Pick-Up

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PORTLAND, Oregon –

Kyle Brenner, 50, was arrested on Friday morning after a garbage man noticed something funny in the trash in front of Brenner’s home.

“I went to lift up the trash barrel and a finger fell to the ground,” said Mark Jones, 29. “I’ve been hauling garbage for about 3 years, and I’ve seen some crazy shit end up in the trash, but that was the first time I ever saw something human fall to the ground.”

Police were called, and in the investigation, a full body was discovered, that of a woman in her late 20s who has yet to be identified. Brenner was arrested and brought up on charges of murder and improper disposal of human remains. While in police custody, Brenner admitted that he had done the exact same thing more than 50 times, and had never been caught.

“I have been kidnapping, raping, and killing young girls for longer than I can remember,” Brenner said during his police interview. “I have always disposed of them in the same way – putting them in black, Glad trash bags, and putting them on the curb for the garbage man. These women, they’re trash, so I’m just getting rid of them in the most obvious way possible.”

Brenner admits that he chose his victims based solely on size, and that the “smaller the better.”

“When it comes to my sexual preference, I don’t like children, I don’t like boys, and I don’t like animals, but anything else is fair game. When it comes to my preference in killing, I like tiny women,” said Brenner. “They can’t put up as much of a fight, and they fit better in the garbage cans. It’s just common sense, really.”

Brenner is currently being charged on 53 counts of kidnapping, sexual assault, and murder. If convicted, Brenner faces the death penalty.

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Faux Report

8-Year-Old Fakes Cancer To Scam Make-A-Wish Foundation

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

A family in Atlanta convinced their 8-year-old son to go along with faking cancer to get a free trip to Disneyland, say police.

The Marques family, including Mary and Lewis Marques, both 34, and their son, 8-year-old Henry, reportedly visited doctors for over 2 years in the Atlanta area, faking symptoms of severe sickness in hopes of getting a free trip to Florida through the Make-A-Wish foundation.

“The Marques family had a very sophisticated way of doing things, in that they would constantly research rare cancer types, visit a doctor in one area, then falsify medical records, and then visit doctors in another area, using the names and locations of the previous doctor,” said police detective Mario Ferreira. “It was all an extremely elaborate scheme. The amount of time they put into it was intense. At the center of it all, of course, was 8-year-old Henry.”

According to the family, the entire scam was Henry’s idea. He was watching an episode of the TV show House on cable, and asked his mother where they found all the sick people to be in the show. When they explained that everyone, including the children on the show, were all just pretending, Henry asked if he could pretend to be sick and get on TV.

“Henry would not stop hounding us about the kids pretending to be sick. Eventually, we relented, and told him that no, we probably couldn’t get him on TV, but we might be able to get him to meet Mickey and Goofy,” said Lewis Marques. “But he had to promise to never reveal his secret – that he was totally healthy.”

Unfortunately, the secret was revealed after the Make-A-Wish foundation was contacted, as the group often does their own medical check-ups on children. It was then they discovered that Henry was perfectly healthy.

“I’m really sorry for what I did, but I just wanted to be famous!” said Henry. “And then I found out I could meet Mickey, and that seemed so cool. I don’t have any cancers at all, but I do get a cold sometimes. Will that help me go to Disney?

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Faux Report

20 Million Gallons of Fresh Water Accidentally Spilled Into Flint, Michigan River

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FLINT, Michigan – 

According to the EPA, an accidental spill of over 20 million gallons of fresh, clean, filtered drinking water was spilled into the Flint, Michigan river, where the town’s horrendous drinking water comes from.

Thousands of citizens rushed to their kitchen faucets, and were extremely pleased to find that a lot of the yellow and brown color was fading away, and that almost all of the smell was removed from the water.

“It’s a miracle, really. A true miracle that this happened,” said Flint resident Michael Moore. “Normally I go to my tap, and I mostly get piss-colored swill water, but now it’s almost clean! You pray and pray for accidents like this to happen, and then my God, dreams come true.”

According to the Flint chapter of the EPA, a railroad car filled with over 20 million gallons of water derailed last week, spilling into the town’s drinking supply.

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Maine To Become First State To Legalize Heroin

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AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine has been at the forefront of a widespread battle against heroin addiction, with much of New England having some of the highest numbers of users in the country. Where doctors have failed, heroin has flourished, giving many people suffering from severe pain a way to reduce their issues at a fraction of the cost.

“The state of Maine is extremely happy to announce that we are the first to allow our citizens to freely use heroin,” said Maine Governor Paul LePage. “We have tried battling the addiction. We have tried regulating doctors to only allow certain medicines to be prescribed, so as not to cause more people to become addicted to painkillers. Alas, we’ve failed. Instead, we’re taking a different route.”

LePage says that he hopes that legalization of heroin will help to allow more people to get their pain and issues under control.

“If you can’t beat them, then it’s time to join them. Or in this case, it’s time to let them be free to make those choices,” said LePage. “Doctors are the number one reason that people get hooked on heroin. They prescribe heavy opiate painkillers to people, and when those prescriptions run out, those patients look to the streets. You can get some heroin for $10 on the streets, and your backache will be gone. Why not try it, right?”

LePage says that further regulating the drug would be a “horrible idea,” and that legalization will be pushed through as soon as possible.

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Faux Report

Former Subway Pitchman Jared Fogle Raped, Murdered In Prison

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

According to local police, Jared Fogle, the disgraced former Subway pitchman who was convicted on child pornography and sex charges, was found dead in his prison cell on Thursday afternoon. Prison officials say that it appears that Fogle was raped and sodomized and stabbed with a prison-made shank.

“Mr. Fogle had, until recently, been in protective custody to assure that this exact thing did not happen,” said prison warden Michael Ross. “After he was released into general population on Wednesday evening, we heard rumors that an attack was imminent. Unfortunately, we did not move him back into PC in time. Mr. Fogle was pronounced dead at 3:14PM on Thursday.”

Many of the prison’s gangs have reportedly taken accountability for the act; all of them say that it was their men who did it.

“Oh man, it was my boys in the Aryan gang, dude,” said gang leader Mark Smith. “We might hate a lot of people, but the worst are the child fuckers. They always gonna get what’s coming to them, man. It was ours for the taking, and we took it.”

Other gangs also claim that they are responsible, including the Latinos, bikers, the Jews, and the African-Americans. So far, police say they have no leads as to who is actually responsible, but that they’re not too worried about finding out, either.

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Eminem To Record Album Of Country Song Covers

Eminem Gives One Million Dollars To Homeless Man

DETROIT, Michigan

Marshall Mathers, best known by his stage name Eminem, has said that his next album will be entirely compromised of cover songs, with all of them being songs straight out of Nashville.

“I’m one of the biggest selling artists of all time, and the top selling rapper, but there are a lot of other musical genres out there that I haven’t stuck my feet into,” said Eminem. “Country is the most popular music there is. It outsells rap or rock 10 to 1. So it’s time I got in on that action, and my next album will be very country.”

Originally when it was announced, fans and reporters assumed that the album would be rap covers of country songs, but as news has spread, Eminem has clarified that the album would not be rap at all, it would be straight-up country music.

“I don’t know how to write country lyrics, because I haven’t often fucked my sister or sat in the back of a pick-up truck drinking from a red cup, but I know what loss feels like, and I know what it means to be poor white trash, so that’s why I’m going country,” said Eminem. “These will be covers of other popular country songs, and they will be amazing. You’ll see.”

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Woman Sues School After Homework Causes Daughter To Have Brain Aneurysm

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PORTLAND, Maine – 

A Maine woman, Joleene Marques, is suing her daughter’s school, Portland High School, after the teachers’ union decided to increase the amount of homework students were given from approximately 2 hours a night, to an ungodly 9 hours per night.

“Every class that my daughter Samantha had assigned her with hours of homework. She would get home from school at 3PM, and start homework immediately, and still wouldn’t finish until after 1AM every night,” said Marques. “It was crazy. It got so bad, I admit that I had to do some of the homework for her.”

On Monday evening, Samantha, 14, reportedly collapsed and died in her home after working on homework for over 9 straight hours. Doctors say she suffered a severe brain aneurysm. Mrs. Marques is now suing the school over their increase in homework, which she says caused the stress that killed her daughter.

“High school is already a sad, pathetic joke,” said Mrs. Marques. “It doesn’t teach you nearly any real-world skills. It’s just rote memorization of dates and times and a lot of, pardon my French, shit that doesn’t at all matter. They should be teaching kids useful information, but instead, they’re killing them, literally, with bullshit.”

Mrs. Marques says she has retained a lawyer, and will be seeking damages of $50 million from the school district.

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Trump’s Plan To Secure Funds For Mexican Wall? Discontinue Food Stamp Program

Government Food Stamp Program To Be Discontinued Effective 2015

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has been asked multiple times in the course of running for president how he plans on building a wall around Mexico to keep immigrants out of the United States. Normally, he says that he’ll “Make the Mexicans pay for it,” but in keeping with his long list of horrendous ideas, today he announced his official plan for making sure that we have secure borders.

“The only way that we can pay for something that will give us the safety and security we need, as well as keep jobs in this country, is by cutting spending somewhere else,” said Trump. “The biggest cuts we need to make are on the freeloaders and the scum in this country, so cut number one will be to the food stamp program. No more free handouts.”

According to Trump, he doesn’t just plan to make budget cuts to the program if elected, he plans to discontinue it all together.

“There’s no reason that people need these handouts from the government, and when I’m elected, they won’t be getting them anymore,” said Trump. “We need this money for other things. Better things. Bigger things. Solid walls need solid cash to be built. Instead of handouts, we get these people a job building the wall, and pay them for their time. No more handouts necessary.”

Trump is currently leading the Republican race, a highly disturbing fact that any conscious, thinking person should be terrified to hear.

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Harper Lee Dies, Internet Assumed Author Passed Years Ago

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

Harper Lee, the prolific author who wrote the classic novel To Kill a Mockinbird, died on Friday at the age of 89, according to her publisher.

Sadly, the internet generation took little notice, with most assuming that the author was long dead.

“I had to read that boring mess when I was in junior high school,” said high school senior Jordan Matthews on his Twitter. I assumed that he was long dead.”

“I don’t know who this Mr. Lee is, but apparently he’s dead now, ” said another twitter user. “I think he wrote that book about birds or something.”

Confusingly, most of the posts on Twitter referred to Lee as a man, because teenagers apparently have no concept of literature in this day and age.

“I’m glad that Harper Lee died, because now we probably won’t have to read that stupid book in class,” said Facebook user Miranda Lucas. “Ugh, books are stupid.”

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Ted Cruz Admits He Was Zodiac Killer

Early Voter Poll Shows There's 'No Way In Hell' Ted Cruz Would Get Elected President

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

What started as an internet meme and joke has become a startling reality, as Senator Ted Cruz, presidential hopeful, admitted today that he was, in fact, the Zodiac Killer.

“It was me who killed all those people in California in the late 60s and early 70s,” said Cruz to a room full of shocked reporters. “Yes, I know that I wasn’t actually born until 1970…or was I?”

Cryptic information not withstanding, the internet has run with the admission, and several conspiracy theory websites are in an uproar over the information.

“Obviously what happened is that Ted Cruz wins the election this year, and in his rise to power, he amassed a small fortune. He then used his powers and money to direct government agencies to build him a time machine that he then uses to go back and become the Zodiac Killer,” said conspiracy theorist Airi Shay. “Clearly it’s the only possible explanation. How else could a person who wasn’t even born kill all those people?”

Cruz, so far, has denied any allegations that he is a time traveler.

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Internet To Shut Down On April 2nd For Routine Maintenance

Congress Shoots Down Net Neutrality, Passes Internet Usage Tax

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, California –

The entire internet throughout the entire world will be shut down for routine maintenance on April 2nd, for what officials say will be approximately 12 hours.

“This is the first time we’ve had to do this since the internet was created, but approximately every 30 years or so, we need to take the entire internet offline for awhile so that we can make routine updates to the servers, wires, and networks,” said White House Technology Staffer Joe Goldsmith. “The US Government is working closely with private agencies in this country to make sure that all internet and bandwith meet a certain standard. Similar measures will be taking place throughout the rest of the world at the same time.”

According to Goldsmith, all major internet carriers will send out their own workers to update, replace, and generally tend to any issues or “holes” in their network. The repairs will be handled on an individual company basis, but that the government will oversee the entire project.

“We are extremely sorry for the issues, but all internet will be offline for just about half a day,” said Goldsmith. “This includes tablets, cell phones, computers, smart watches – literally anything that connects to the internet will not be able to connect for approximately 12 hours on April 2nd. We apologize for the inconvenience, but this will not happen again until the year 2050.”

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