Faux Report

Kids Who Color On Themselves Grow Up To Be Geniuses

genuis

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Researchers at the prestigious Children’s Institute of America recently completed a 20 year study on the effects of children who color on themselves with Crayola markers, and the study proves conclusively that those children grow up to have extremely high IQs.

“We followed 2,000 children for the last 20 years, and of those 2,000 case studies, half of them were allowed to color on themselves using markers, while the other half were not,” explained Dr. Richard Kimball. “What we found was that the 1000 kids who were able to let their creativity flow by drawing on themselves, a significant portion of them grew up to be extremely smart, some of them tipping past genius levels.”

Dr. Kimball says that 978 of the children who were allowed to Crayloa their own faces consistently had IQs in the genius level, where as all 1000 of the non-colorers had normal, average IQs, or below in adulthood.

“This study proves conclusively why you should allow your children to be creative, and do whatever they’d like. If they want to color themselves blue, why, go out and get them some markers,” said Dr. Kimball. “Down the road you’ll be glad you did.”

Standard
Faux Report

Woman Sues School After Homework Causes Daughter To Have Brain Aneurysm

homework

PORTLAND, Maine – 

A Maine woman, Joleene Marques, is suing her daughter’s school, Portland High School, after the teachers’ union decided to increase the amount of homework students were given from approximately 2 hours a night, to an ungodly 9 hours per night.

“Every class that my daughter Samantha had assigned her with hours of homework. She would get home from school at 3PM, and start homework immediately, and still wouldn’t finish until after 1AM every night,” said Marques. “It was crazy. It got so bad, I admit that I had to do some of the homework for her.”

On Monday evening, Samantha, 14, reportedly collapsed and died in her home after working on homework for over 9 straight hours. Doctors say she suffered a severe brain aneurysm. Mrs. Marques is now suing the school over their increase in homework, which she says caused the stress that killed her daughter.

“High school is already a sad, pathetic joke,” said Mrs. Marques. “It doesn’t teach you nearly any real-world skills. It’s just rote memorization of dates and times and a lot of, pardon my French, shit that doesn’t at all matter. They should be teaching kids useful information, but instead, they’re killing them, literally, with bullshit.”

Mrs. Marques says she has retained a lawyer, and will be seeking damages of $50 million from the school district.

Standard