Faux Report

Police Shoot 5-Year-Old Black Child At His Birthday Party

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

A noise complaint turned deadly, when officers gunned down an unarmed 5 year old at his own birthday party. The boy’s family says race must have been a factor, as they can not see any other explanation for the tragedy.

Police say they received a complaint about children laughing and playing “too loudly.”

 

“The older children- we’d had a chance to teach them when police say ‘get on the ground’ you get on the ground, whether you’re doing anything wrong or not,” said the toddler’s mother. “He was waiving his little red fire truck in the air. They told him to put it down but he just laughed. He thought they were playing. That’s when they opened fire.”

The toddler, whose name is not being released, was shot 16 times.

“I want to tell all the parents out there of dark skinned children, no matter how safe you’re neighborhood is, no matter how clean the police record is in your city, this could happen to you. These days your children are ten times more likely to die in a race-related shooting than in a housefire. Fire drills are important, but police drills – they might save your child’s life.”

Naturally, the white cop who fired the fatal shot is out on paid leave, and is not expected to face any repercussions.

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Faux Report

Black Lives Matter Group Sued For Being Racist, Not Allowing White Members

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A group of angry white people have filed a motion in the Supreme Court to have the Black Lives Matter movement disbanded, labelling them a hate group who stops white members from joining. The group of individuals, who at this point have not released their names, are also suing the Black Lives Matter group for an undisclosed sum.

“We are tired of being marginalized and held back because of the color of our skin,” read a statement released from the group of white, Christian men. “We wanted to help and to spread the word of the Black Lives Matter movement, but they have held us back from joining at every cost. They are not about love. They are about hate and discrimination.”

A Supreme Court judge will hear the full case on Tuesday, and is expected to determine the merits.

A formal statement from the Black Lives Matter group was received too late to include in this publishing.

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Faux Report

Police Calling For Stricter Gun Control After Woman Shoots Intruder

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PORTLAND, Oregon –

Politicians say a recent incident where a woman shot an intruder in self defense is a case-in-point example of why there needs to be stricter gun control laws. A woman who returned to her Portland, Ore., home with her two children early Sunday morning shot and killed an intruder who was in the home, police said.

The woman, 33, found a stranger in the bedroom of one of her children about 1:45 a.m. PT Sunday. Police said the victim came home with her children ages 5 and 10, and armed with a handgun, she shot and killed the unknown 59-year-old man.

Police said the woman is cooperating with investigators and was not arrested. The investigation will determine whether she acted in self-defense and whether she will face charges.

Authorities say once the investigation is complete, it will be presented to the Multnomah County District Attorney’s Office for review.

An autopsy will be conducted Monday. The name of the man will not be released until his family is notified, police said.

Chief Luke Barkley says ordinary citizens should not take the law in their own hands. “The proper protocol would be to call 911 and wait for police to arrive. Don’t try to be a hero. This tragedy could have likely been avoided.”

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Faux Report

Congress To Vote On Bill To Require Background Checks Before Purchasing Fireworks

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In the wake of the horrific Orlando club shooting, focus has turned once again to the issue of gun control. After democrats unsuccessfully attempted to filibuster and sit-in for tougher gun control laws, they have decided to try another angle. They hope to require background checks before people buy fireworks, in states where they are legal, and ban terrorists from buying fireworks.

A person will also be denied sale if they are a felon, fugitive, domestic abuser, undocumented immigrant, or have a legally declared mental health issue. This bill would also disallow fireworks being kept with in reach of customers.

Recently in Phoenix Arizona, Walmart customer recorded a giant burning fireworks display in an aisle. Apparently, a small group of people decided to light part of the fireworks display aflame, causing a crackling, cacophonous inferno.

“Somebody could have been killed inside that store with that fire growing as fast as it did and as bad as it could have gotten,” said Phoenix fire captain Larry Subervi.

Although fireworks are not the preferred method of terrorists, police have had fireworks shot at them, including incidents in East London, Dallas, TX and Greenville, SC. “We need to keep explosives out of the hands of terrorists. It’s as simple as that,” says one of the bill’s sponsors, Senator Patty Murray.

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Faux Report

Orlando Shooter Omar Mateen Was Very Likely An Angry, Closeted Homosexual

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ORLANDO, Florida –

Omar Mateen, the gunman who perpetrated the deadliest mass shooting in the history of the United States early Sunday morning, has reportedly been exposed as a closeted homosexual. As news has come out, it has been alleged that Mateen killed 50 people at a gay club named Pulse, in Orlando, Florida as a show of rampant homophobia that was compensating for his raging homosexuality.

Mateen had been seen at Pulse many times over recent years, and had even been known to use gay dating apps. Sitora Yusufiy, Mateen’s first wife, who says he was often abusive to her, told the New York Daily News that when they wed in 2009, he told her his life had previously included frequent clubbing.

Yusufiy and her fiance, Marcio Dias, appeared on Brazilian television yesterday and told the channel that “Yusufiy told him Mateen had ‘gay tendencies’ and had been called gay in front of her on several occasions by his father.”

In another interview with one of Mateen’s classmates from 2006, a period when both were enrolled in a Florida police academy, the classmate spoke anonymously with Orlando’s WFTV9, telling the station that Mateen had once asked him out on a date.

“We went to a few gay bars with him,” the classmate said, “and I was not out at the time, so I declined his offer. The classmate told the paper he thought the killer, who pledged allegiance to ISIS before the shooting spree at the nightclub, was “gay and in the closet.”

“Unfortunately, he couldn’t come out. Whether it was because of his family, his faith, or some other reason, I don’t know,” said another classmate. “All I do know is that no one has that much hatred of gay people unless they secretly want to have a dick slapped in or around their mouth. He may have called 911 to publicly confess his allegiance to ISIS, but alone in the dark, there is no doubt in my mind he was pledging his allegiance to dick.”

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Obama Makes Use Of Words ‘Negro,’ ‘Oriental’ Illegal

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has signed into law H.R. 4238, which modernizes terms in specified statutes related to minorities, and makes it illegal to use words such as “negro” or “oriental.”

What this means for businesses or charities that use the words, such as the long-standing United Negro College Fund, is that they have to immediately change their names to “approved” names, before they may continue to do business. For individuals, it means that they are no longer legally allowed to use the words in public, lest they be fined or arrested.

“It used to be that I could say whatever I wanted, goddamn Freedom of Speech guaranteed that,” said Republican voter Mario Simmons. “Obummer has been taking my rights away for 8 years, and now he’s talking about what I can and can’t say? That negro is half oriental his self! He’s slamming his own half-breed people by doing this.”

“Updating words to be more respectful of cultures and ideas is something that everyone should get behind,” said President Obama. “I am happy to be the president who has helped put an end to racism.”

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Faux Report

New Hampshire Courts Rule That Rape Is Legal In All Cirucmstances

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CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Although a recent internet circulation about Oklahoma law allowing for someone to be orally raped if they are intoxicated has already been proved to be inaccurate, New Hampshire lawmakers may be giving the internet something new to make waves over. The courts in that state have determined that all rape, whether it is a man on a woman or a woman on a man, and no matter what bodily orifice is penetrated, is considered legal in all circumstances.

“We live in a state where the motto is ‘Live Free or Die,'” said state senator Richard Lambert. “We have no seatbelt laws. We have no sales tax. We have no helmet laws. We have the most lax laws on theft or vandalism in the country. It was a no-brainer that we should also have no laws pertaining to rape or sexual assault.”

According to Lambert, lawmakers were recently put on blast for allowing a 17-year-old teen to go free after he was arrested for allegedly raping a 16-year-old female classmate.

“That teen says that the girl wanted to have sex, and neither of them was even drunk or otherwise intoxicated at the time, so we had to believe him,” said Lambert. “We let him go, because more often than not, when a girl loses her virginity she is upset afterwards, and looking to hurt the guy, especially when the couple breaks up, which is what had happened in that situation.”

Instead of creating stricter laws that would help to keep possible sex offenders from going free, the state decided that they would remove the laws from their court system all together, making all rape, regardless of circumstance, legal and “okay.”

“I, personally, am glad that we are making the matter go away entirely by removing the laws,” said Lambert. “Our state spends more time than anything on cases about rape or assault or statutory rape than anything else, and it was costing us millions. Instead, let these kids go out and get wasted and have sex. There shouldn’t be people going to jail over regret.”

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PETA Overjoyed As Leather To Become Illegal

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AUSTIN, Texas –

PETA members are ecstatic over the passing of a new law that would outlaw products from being made of leather, which is created using the hide of deal cows. The group has been petitioning for years to the government to stop allowing leather to be used for products where suitable alternatives are available, such as shoes and clothing, or furniture.

“We are so happy that the U.S. government has finally made a step in the right direction, with their plans to outlaw the leather trade,” said PETA spokesman Bunny Jones. “We have been working towards this step for many years, and through petitioning, protesting, and hard work, we were able to convince the government to outlaw the creation of new leather products.”

The law would not ban existing leather items or stop leather manufacturers from using their existing stock, but it would stop farmers from selling new hides to distributors.

“I’ve been making leather furniture, such as couches and chairs, for as long as I can remember,” said Bill Poxley of Utah. “This law is going to kill my business. I have enough material left for maybe another 100, 150 couches or chairs, and then I’m done. You can bet your ass that I’ll be charging a premium for these next sets, though.”

The government says that they are working with manufacturers and providing new materials, as well as tax breaks, to those that are looking to switch to alternative materials.

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Transgender People Not Allowed To Use Any Public Restroom In Georgia Thanks To New Laws

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Following a very divisive ruling in North Carolina that makes it so that a person’s birth gender is the one they must identify with when using public restrooms, Georgia has created their own new laws, which make it so that people who are transgender are not allowed to use public restrooms at all.

“Trannies are nasty, and we don’t want them to use either bathroom when they are in public,” said Georgia state senator Luke Davidson. “If you are a tranny, you must use your own bathroom, or a bathroom in another private establishment. In public, you are not allowed to use a bathroom, because we don’t trust you not to molest our kids or rape someone.”

Davidson says that the North Carolina ruling made it “very easy” for Georgia to create their own laws, and that it is a major step in the right direction, but transgender people in the state say that the law is too discriminatory.

“I have no desire to molest your children, and I am definitely not a rapist,” said transgender man Ricky Law. “I just have to take a shit sometimes, like anyone else, and I need a bathroom to do it. This law is outrageous, and there are a lot of us that will fight it all the way to the damn White House if we have to.”

“I don’t care what some nasty dickless man says, it’s not right for someone to use a bathroom if they can’t even decide what sex they are,” said Davidson. “Obviously everyone within the state agrees, or we never would have gotten these laws to pass. Sorry trannies, just stop being weird, and you can start going again like the rest of us.”

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Bill Clinton Hospitalized After Being Attacked By Bernie Sanders Supporters

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Former president Bill Clinton was hospitalized today after being attacked on the street by protestors who were rallying in support of Bernie Sanders. According to police, the attack was provoked by comments that Clinton made recently claiming that Sanders supporters wanted to shoot people on Wall Street.

“Former president Bill Clinton was airlifted to a local hospital after being beaten down by a group of Bernie Sanders supporters,” said police chief Walter Richards. “According to bystanders, the group were enraged by comments Clinton made about their tendency to want Wall Street members to be shot and killed.”

Ricky Carson, a Sanders supporter who was arrested in the assault, is facing 20 years in prison for the attack on a former President, but says he would do it all over again if he had to.

“Bernie Sanders is a man of the people, and those people are rallying behind him, in support. I am one of those people. We don’t want anyone dead, and I swear to God, I will beat the ever living shit out of anyone who disagrees with that, or with Bernie,” said Carson.

Police arrested a total of 9 assailants in the attack, and are still seeking 3 more who may have been involved. Ironically, Clinton had allowed his security team the day off so that his wife, Hillary Clinton, could have more security during her time in New York.

Doctors say that Clinton may suffer mild brain damage, but that it’s doubtful anyone would notice.

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Inmate Sues Prison System After Saying Multiple Assaults ‘Turned Him Gay’

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CARSON CITY, Nevada – 

Johnny “Rebel” Wilson, 30, is an inmate in the Carson City prison system in Nevada, and has been since he was 19. Wilson was convicted of slaughtering his entire family in 2004, and is serving a life sentence. Wilson claims now, though, that the last decade of rapes and attacks he has been inflicted with has “turned him gay,” and he is suing the prison system.

“I weren’t no faggot when I came into jail, but I been getting raped so long and so hard, that now all I can do is think about sweet, fat cock,” said Wilson. “I don’t wanna be no queer, and this shit ain’t right. It’s the prison’s fault for making me a gay. Hell they don’t even give these guys no condoms, so I have to take it raw. That’s probably why I’m so gay now. If they at least had condoms, I probably wouldn’t have gotten the gay this bad.”

Lawyers for Wilson say that he doesn’t have much of case, but that his homies on the outside are coercing them into taking the job.

“Obviously Mr. Wilson was gay before he came to prison, as it’s pretty common knowledge that you’re either born gay, or you’re not, but no matter what we tell him, Mr. Wilson insists that the prison is to blame,” said attorney Joseph A. Goldsmith. “We can’t talk him out of this lawsuit, so we’re moving forward at his request.”

Goldsmith says that his client is seeking monetary damages of $15 million for his sudden “gayness,” and says that the strain and stress has been so bad, that he deserves to be let out of prison with a full pardon.

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Man Sues Sonic Restaurants After Spilling Frozen Drink On Crotch

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CARSON CITY, Kansas – 

Mark Jameson, 38, says that he is suing Sonic Drive-In Restaurants after they gave him a frozen drink with a lid that was not attached properly, causing him to spill the frigid beverage all over his crotch.

“I got shrinkage like you wouldn’t imagine, because the drink was so cold,” said Jameson, a computer technician. “Not only was my junk frostbitten, but I couldn’t get an erection for several days. My girlfriend was extremely dissatisfied.”

Jameson says that he has been frequenting Sonic restaurants for years, and that even though they have always had sub-par food, their drinks are okay.

“This one time I go through, and it ruins my week,” said Jameson. “Clearly there’s some compensation that needs to happen, here. My lawyer says I have a hell of a case.”

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Statue Of Virgin Mary Falls From Roof, Kills Church Member; Church Refuses To Pay For Funeral

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PORTERVILLE, Arkansas – 

A statue of the virgin Mary fell from the roof of the Catholic Church of the Immaculate Conception, killing Margaret Whineburg, 57, instantly. Her husband, Jacob Whineburg, is demanding restitution for her death. The church claims the accident was an act of God and refuses to submit the claim to their insurance.

“My wife was everything to me,” says Whineburg. “We’d do everything together. Begging for change, dumpster diving, finding cans to return. Maggy had my back, and I had hers for over 30 years. It would have been me who died had she not pushed me out of the way. God is dead to me.”

The church says that they are not responsible, and that the statue was repaired only a scant 15 years ago, and should have held just fine.

“What happened to the woman is unfortunate, but it is all part of God’s plan. Furthermore, her husband is homeless. If we give the money to him, he will just use it on drugs and alcohol,” says Rev. Daniel Comboni. “He is welcome to come to our food kitchen at any time if he is in need of a meal, but I’m afraid that’s the best we will do.”

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Man Sentenced To Life In Prison After Killing His Wife Via ‘Dutch Oven’

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DARWIN, West Virginia – 

Harold Spizer, 39, was sentenced to life in prison on Monday for the 2013 death of his wife, Kathy Spizer, 35. Harold had been in prison since his arrest in August of 2013, after police say he killed Kathy via a dutch oven in their bedroom.

“I still, to this day, maintain that it was just an unfortunate joke gone wrong,” said Spizer, who now sits in solitary confinement in Darwin Federal Penitentiary. “She always thought it was disgusting when I farted, and so I’d tease her and do it all the time when we were laying in bed. That night a few years ago, it was just too hot, too stuffy, and the gas was just extra bad. It wasn’t on purpose.”

Police say that Spizer had eaten Mexican food for dinner, and had ‘extra bad gas’ on an especially warm night in 2013, and used it to murder his wife.

“He gave her a Dutch oven, which is when you pass gas, and then hold the bedding and covers over your partner’s head, so they are forced to, well, deal with it, as it were,” said police chief Joel Miller. “Kathy was killed from the extreme nature of her husband’s gas.”

The court case was a long time coming, and Kathy’s family say that they are “very excited” that Harold Spizer will pay for his crimes.

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