Tag Archives: Illegal

Faux Report

President Trump Takes Away Citizenship of ‘Anchor Babies’ – Children Born In the U.S. To Illegal Immigrants

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump doesn’t believe babies born in the United States to undocumented immigrant parents are American citizens.

“I don’t think they have American citizenship and if you speak to some very, very good lawyers — and I know some will disagree, but many of them agree with me — and you’re going to find they do not have American citizenship,” Trump said Tuesday in an interview with Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly. “We have to start a process where we take back our country. Our country is going to hell.”

Trump claims that those born on U.S. soil to illegal immigrants don’t have full citizens’ rights. “What happens is they’re in Mexico, they’re going to have a baby, they move over here for a couple of days, they have the baby,” he told O’Reilly. Trump asserted, “Many lawyers are saying that’s not the way it is in terms of this,” and went on to say, “They are saying it is not going to hold up in court. It will have to be tested but they say it will not hold up in court.”

The GOP presidential hopeful does not, however, support amending the Constitution to repeal birthright citizenship, saying it would be a “long process.”

“I think it would take too long,” he told Fox News. “I’d much rather find out whether or not anchor babies are citizens because a lot of people don’t think they are. We’re going to test it out.”

Trump will begin the process to locate and deport illegal “Anchor Babies” as early as next week. Any immigrant who has illegally overstayed a visa or entered the country illegally, along with any children of illegal immigrants, no matter what age or how long they have resided in the United States, will be deported beginning as early as mid-February.

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Faux Report

6 States Vote To Make Masturbation Illegal In Ted Cruz-Backed Law; Is Your State One Of Them?

cruzmasturbate

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

You probably missed it on your ballot last November, but a bill to make masturbation illegal was listed on the voter cards for all 50 states, mixed in with other major bills including ones looking to defund certain parts of the education budget, as well as the legalization of marijuana.

Bill #69H8R was introduced in 6 states, to what lawmakers are saying was “probably a huge mistake.”

“We don’t think that many people really read their ballots, and arbitrarily chose yes and no on certain questions,” said Rep. Joe Miller (D-Vermont). “They were rushing to get to the choice for president. It happens every four years, really. Some stupid law gets pushed through with very little notice or fanfare. Unfortunately, this new law will cause some severe problems in several states.”

Vermont, Georgia, New Hampshire, Idaho, Mississippi, and Delaware all voted to outlaw masturbation, in a law that will take effect April 1st. The bill was backed by staunch anti-masturbator Ted Cruz.

Naturally, people in all states are extremely upset.

“I definitely didn’t vote to outlaw whacking off,” said Idaho resident Mike Simon. “I jerk it at least twice a day, sometimes more. Are you telling me that I’m a criminal now? How the hell am I going to release tension after a long day at work?”

Several question how the government and police plan to enforce this law, but Miller says that goes hand-in-hand with recent news about CIA leaks.

“The government is always watching. We will see you masturbate through your webcams, your TVs, your phones, and your microwaves,” said Miller. “No matter what room in your own home you try to jack it in, someone will see you.”

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Faux Report

Illegal Immigrants Bringing Diseases Like Measles, But That Isn’t The Worst Of It

immigrants

PINAL COUNTY, Arizona – 

At least 11 Measles cases were confirmed this week in Pinal County, Arizona. The outbreak was traced back to an immigrant shelter. Several more cases were reported in Pinal County stemming from the outbreak last week at an immigrant detention center.

In the not too distant past, the U.S. would check immigrants for disease before they were allowed to enter the country. That no longer is the case with our wide-open borders. More outbreaks are expected if the open door policy to immigrants established by this administration continues into the next.

Disgruntled resident Chuck Hurley says he fears for the safely of his family. “Them there immigrants have measles, mumps, cooties, Islamacism, and all sorts of other stuff. Why do you think the women wear veils on their faces? They’re hiding something if you ask me. I personally won’t stand for it in my country.”

While immigrants are given access to vaccines upon arrival, afflictions like Islamacism cannot yet be vaccinated against.

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Faux Report

Obama Makes Use Of Words ‘Negro,’ ‘Oriental’ Illegal

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has signed into law H.R. 4238, which modernizes terms in specified statutes related to minorities, and makes it illegal to use words such as “negro” or “oriental.”

What this means for businesses or charities that use the words, such as the long-standing United Negro College Fund, is that they have to immediately change their names to “approved” names, before they may continue to do business. For individuals, it means that they are no longer legally allowed to use the words in public, lest they be fined or arrested.

“It used to be that I could say whatever I wanted, goddamn Freedom of Speech guaranteed that,” said Republican voter Mario Simmons. “Obummer has been taking my rights away for 8 years, and now he’s talking about what I can and can’t say? That negro is half oriental his self! He’s slamming his own half-breed people by doing this.”

“Updating words to be more respectful of cultures and ideas is something that everyone should get behind,” said President Obama. “I am happy to be the president who has helped put an end to racism.”

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Faux Report

President Obama Signs Law Making It Illegal To Smoke In Cars With Underage Passengers

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Starting in October 2016, it will be illegal to smoke in a car (or other vehicles) with anyone under 18 present. The law is being created to protect children and young people from the dangers of secondhand smoke.

Both the driver and the smoker could be fined $80 each. The law applies to every driver in the entire country, and to any private vehicle that is enclosed wholly or partly by a roof. It still applies if people have the windows or sunroof open, have the air conditioning on, or if they sit in the open doorway of the vehicle. The law won’t apply to a convertible car with the roof completely down.

“Children breathe faster than adults so they are much more exposed to the dangers of second-hand smoke. Their airways, lungs and immune systems are still developing so are much more at risk from harm,” said President Obama. “We want children to grow up free from harm and we need parents to understand why smoking in vehicles is so dangerous. 80% of smoke is invisible so even if you think you are being careful you cannot see where the smoke is going.”

Big Tobacco said that they are “not worried” about the law, and that their steady sales will continue.

“People will just smoke in other places now, like in their homes, continually blowing smoke in the faces of their children,” said Marlboro spokesman Mario Luigi. “It’s how I grew up, and I’m totally fine.”

 

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Faux Report

Newly Published Documents Reveal Ted Cruz Is Actually Undocumented Alien From Cuba

Early Voter Poll Shows There's 'No Way In Hell' Ted Cruz Would Get Elected President

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Recently discovered documents that were leaked to the press allegedly show that senator Ted Cruz, whose full name is Rafael Edward Cruz, was not born in Canada to American parents, as Cruz has led people to believe. According to birth certificates and hospital paperwork that was uncovered, Cruz is actually a Cuban immigrant who was born in Havana.

“Ted Cruz has always maintained that he was American. He says he was born to American parents who were working in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and that he was a dual-citizen Canadian and American,” said political pundit Joe Goldsmith. “As recent documents have disclosed, though, Rafael ‘Ted’ Cruz was born in Havana, Cuba to a woman who was a prostitute.”

According to hospital records, Cruz’s mother, whose name was not known, died during childbirth, and the baby was adopted by the Cruz family in 1970. The records indicate that Cruz’s mother was a Cuban woman who barely spoke any English. His father was listed as one out of 8 possible people, all Cuban construction workers who apparently participated in a gang-bang.

Ted Cruz could not be reached for comment.

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Faux Report

Newly Published Documents Reveal Ted Cruz Is Actually Undocumented Alien From Cuba

Early Voter Poll Shows There's 'No Way In Hell' Ted Cruz Would Get Elected President

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Recently discovered documents that were leaked to the press allegedly show that senator Ted Cruz, whose full name is Rafael Edward Cruz, was not born in Canada to American parents, as Cruz has led people to believe. According to birth certificates and hospital paperwork that was uncovered, Cruz is actually a Cuban immigrant who was born in Havana.

“Ted Cruz has always maintained that he was American. He says he was born to American parents who were working in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and that he was a dual-citizen Canadian and American,” said political pundit Joe Goldsmith. “As recent documents have disclosed, though, Rafael ‘Ted’ Cruz was born in Havana, Cuba to a woman who was a prostitute.”

According to hospital records, Cruz’s mother, whose name was not known, died during childbirth, and the baby was adopted by the Cruz family in 1970. The records indicate that Cruz’s mother was a Cuban woman who barely spoke any English. His father was listed as one out of 8 possible people, all Cuban construction workers who apparently participated in a gang-bang.

Ted Cruz could not be reached for comment.

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