Tag Archives: PETA

Faux Report

Nike Admits To Making Some Shoes From Skin of Elephants

nike

GROVER, Kansas –

After a boycott hashtag surfaced last month over Nike making their sneakers using the skin of elephants, the company stayed very mum on the subject, and made no public comment on the viral images and memes. Today, though, the massive shoe empire came forward, and admitted that they had been using the hide of many animals, including elephants, to make their shoes.

“We are extremely sorry that we did not make this known to our customers when they purchased our shoes, but we are, to be honest, embarrassed about it,” said a statement. “We began making Nike shoes in a different time, and it wasn’t as looked down upon to make our shoes from the skin of animals, even endangered ones. Once things took off, though, there was no stopping.”

Nike says that they have used elephant, lion, cat, snake, and even giraffe skin in their shoes over the years, and that they had never been able to find a suitable faux substitute that would also be able to hold up in the same way their shoes could.

“Animal hides are rough, rugged, and tough, and they keep our shoes lasting, while also allowing us to charge a premium for the shoes,” said the company in the same statement. “We are currently developing new materials that we can make the shoes out of, while still maintaining the same quality our customers have come to know.”

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Faux Report

PETA Overjoyed As Leather To Become Illegal

leather

AUSTIN, Texas –

PETA members are ecstatic over the passing of a new law that would outlaw products from being made of leather, which is created using the hide of deal cows. The group has been petitioning for years to the government to stop allowing leather to be used for products where suitable alternatives are available, such as shoes and clothing, or furniture.

“We are so happy that the U.S. government has finally made a step in the right direction, with their plans to outlaw the leather trade,” said PETA spokesman Bunny Jones. “We have been working towards this step for many years, and through petitioning, protesting, and hard work, we were able to convince the government to outlaw the creation of new leather products.”

The law would not ban existing leather items or stop leather manufacturers from using their existing stock, but it would stop farmers from selling new hides to distributors.

“I’ve been making leather furniture, such as couches and chairs, for as long as I can remember,” said Bill Poxley of Utah. “This law is going to kill my business. I have enough material left for maybe another 100, 150 couches or chairs, and then I’m done. You can bet your ass that I’ll be charging a premium for these next sets, though.”

The government says that they are working with manufacturers and providing new materials, as well as tax breaks, to those that are looking to switch to alternative materials.

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Faux Report

State Agencies Begin Arresting People On Animal Cruelty Charges For Making Cucumber Cat-Scaring Videos

cats

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Cats have long been the internet’s most famous animal. Whether you love or hate cats, there is a meme, a video, a picture, or a song online about cats. Over the last several months, one of the most trendy videos to make is one where you scare your cat with a cucumber. As crazy as it sounds, people love filming their felines becoming terrified as they discover the oblong shape when it is placed near them without being noticed.

PETA and the ASCPA have lobbied several states to begin tracking down and arresting people who torture their pets in this way on animal cruelty charges, as it is extremely harmful to the cat.

“When a cat is eating, he is in his safe zone. He needs to feel like that area is free from predators and harm,” said ASPCA member John Lewis. “When your cat is eating and you place a cucumber – or anything, really – behind him, and he turns around, he instantly becomes scared because he assumes it is a snake or other predator that is there to harm him. In turn, this makes cats stop eating or drinking, fearing for their safety by not returning to their food area.”

The long-term effect this has on felines have not been tested, but PETA and ASPCA say that the gag is enough to warrant arrest based on animal cruelty, and several state governments have agreed.

“Georgia, Louisiana, New Hampshire, Vermont, California, and Nebraska are just a few of the states that we have convinced to track down and arrest these animal abusers,” said Lewis. “We are all working closely with Google, as most of these people who have accounts are making money on their cat videos with Google’s AdSense service – which requires them to give a real name and address. We believe we can successfully stop people from creating these harmful videos, and show love and care to their furry feline friends.”

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Faux Report

New Breed of Extremely Miniature Dogs Being Used As Perfumes, Colognes

dog

WASILLA, Alaska – 

A new breed of extremely miniature dogs that has been popular in Japan for over a decade has made its way to the United States, and consumers are going crazy for them. The MiniMuffs breed is generally less than 3 inches long and weighs a mere 6 ounces, but its not their cute size that makes them a hot commodity.

“Oh my God, their saliva smells incredible,” said Marlene Hendrix, 46. “I bought 3 MiniMuffs the second I heard they were on sale in the US, and I’ve used up two of them already. They’re expensive, about $600 per MiniMuff, but their spit is the greatest cologne or perfume you’ve ever smelled.”

According to the USDA and the American Breeders Association, MiniMuffs has a special enzyme in their saliva that makes it smell incredible.

“To be honest, the smell is not something that you can put into words, but just know that it’s like every amazing thing you’ve ever smelled rolled into one, making that the greatest smell ever,” said ABA spokesman Georgia Mitchell. “Normally we would not recommend breeding a dog strictly to use in this manner, but to be honest, it’s just too good of a smell.”

Mitchell says that currently, people can “use up” the dogs after a couple of months, and normally they are simply discarded.

“Oh yeah, I mean, it’s sad that eventually they dry out,” said Hendrix. “I mean, I wish you could just get one and it lasts forever, but that’s not the case. Like I said, I went through two already. When they dry out, they just die, and I have just been putting them down the garbage disposal. It keeps that smelling super fresh, too.”

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