Tag Archives: Woman

Faux Report

Woman Delivers Healthy Newborn Baby Anally After Internal Complications

baby

ATLANTA, Georgia –

A woman who went into labor on Sunday evening became the first in recorded history to deliver her baby anally instead of vaginally, after internal complications forced doctors to re-route her baby’s delivery path.

“Our patient, whose name is not being released at this time, suffered from serious infections and complications during her labor, and as such, we were not able to deliver her baby vaginally or through emergency caesarian procedures,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith of Atlanta Medical Center. “The patient was sedated, and we were able to successfully redirect her baby from her uterus through her bowels, and out her colon. It is the first, and as I’m aware, only time that this has been performed.”

Dr. Goldsmith says the entire procedure was recorded for future study and use by other medical professionals who may run into similar situations. At the time of this writing, both mother and baby were fine, although mother will be forced to wear adult diapers for the forseeable future.

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Faux Report

Bernie Sanders Plans Sex Change Surgery To Garner Votes From Women

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Bernie Sanders, who has been leading the polls against Hillary Clinton, announced today that there was one segment of the vote that he was not able to grasp, and that was the women vote.

“I’ve got the African-Americans, the poor, the white, the tall, the skinny, the fat – I’ve got it all, baby,” said Sanders to a packed town hall in New Hampshire on Monday morning. “The one thing I haven’t been able to get is the woman vote. Clinton has that locked in because she was born with a vagina, and that’s one thing I couldn’t compete with. Until now.”

Sanders went on to say that he would be undergoing sex reassignment surgery to better understand what a woman goes through, and he hopes that this will also help to get more women to vote for him.

“I can promise a lot of things, but I can’t promise that I know what it’s like to pee sitting down, or to have breasts and nurse a child, and with this surgery, these changes, I will. And by the end of the year, when it’s time to cast your ballots for president, I will be able to fully encompass all people, even women.”

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Faux Report

Woman Takes Testosterone Supplements While Pregnant To Make Baby More ‘Manly’

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TORONTO, Canada –

Tragically, Kathy Martin did not know the consequences or seek a doctor’s advice before taking testosterone supplements while pregnant. She says her husband, Dave, encouraged her to take them so their baby boy would be more masculine than their first child.

Their newborn son was delivered 5 weeks premature, suffering from severe birth defects. Androgen supplements are considered a class D drug and should obviously never be used during pregnancy.

“We just didn’t want another little flamer like the last one,” says David, who is facing criminal charges for supplying the supplements to his wife after purchasing them illegally over the internet. “Don’t get me wrong, we love our oldest son, but at four years old you can already see the he is afflicted with the disease of faggotry. He says his favorite color is pink and his favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. That’s not the son I wanted, but yeah, we love him. He’s from my loins, unfortunately.”

Kathy says, “As a good Christian woman it is my responsibility to honor and obey my husband without question. He assured me there would be no risks to the baby, and that the mustache I grew would surely fall right off after the baby was born.”

Both parents are being investigated by child protective services as well as local police.

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Faux Report

Woman Crushed To Death While Having Sex With Horse

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HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

Elvis, a spotted saddle horse, has been removed from his owner’s custody after crushing a woman to death. According to husband Rick Brownlee, Mary Brownlee had grown up around horses and this wasn’t her first time, so he was not worried she would be injured.

Rick Brownlee, Steven Hutchinson, and Joseph Hutchinson, who all live in the home where the horse was stabled, were not immediately forthcoming about the manner in which Mary had been killed.

Officer Michael Deschenes says at first they pretended not to know how she had been killed when they were questioned.

“Of course it was suspicious because she had her pants around her ankles. There was a puddle of what appeared to be a large amount of ejaculate. I told them that they were going to fess up or they was all going to jail.”

The men finally confessed, and police seized a video showing Mary Brownlee’s last minutes. On the video the men can be heard cheering, laughing, and breathing heavily while the horse mounted Mary. Investigators say the cracking of her ribs can be isolated on the tape. Because Mary was being crushed she was unable to scream for help.

Joseph Hutchinson says they honestly did not know she was in trouble. “I heard a snap. Just thought it was the fence starting to give. I’m real sorry the horse had to go through this. You can tell he’s awfully traumatized over it.”

According to police, the horse will be placed with another local rancher who has promised that he will not let anyone have sex with it.

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Faux Report

Pregnant Woman Severely Beaten While Out At Bar

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TOLEDO, Ohio – 

Danielle Pierce was at a bar Sunday evening for a friend’s birthday when she was reportedly approached by another woman, Karley Stephenson, who accused Pierce of drinking. The altercation became heated after Pierce told Stephenson to “mind her own business,” and tried to walk away.

Pierce says she told Stephenson she was only drinking Coke and grenadine. “I told that psycho, ‘I’m eight months pregnant. I ain’t drinking,’ but she still came at me. She knocked the drink out of my hand, and it went all down the front of my shirt. Then she got nasty.”

After knocking the drink out of Pierce’s hand, Stephenson reportedly grabbed Pierce by the hair, and proceed to hit her in the face with a beer bottle until it shattered.

Security staff detained Stephenson until police arrived, and Pierce was brought by rescue to a local hospital. Doctors say she will likely have permanent disfiguring scars on her face from the attack. Stephenson has refused to apologize for the incident, saying, “She shouldn’t have been at the bar. You don’t go out drinking when you’re pregnant. If she wasn’t there, this wouldn’t have happened to her.”

Doctors say Stephenson’s baby was not harmed in the attack.

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Faux Report

Woman Knits Life-Sized Doll Of Son; Ex-Husband Says It’s ‘Too Creepy’, Sues For Custody

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LOUSIVILLE, Kentucky –

Marieke Voorsluijs says she knitted a life-size version of her son because he is too old to cuddle with her. “I still need to smoother something with my overwhelming maternal love,” she admits, but according to her ex-husband that is not all she is doing with the doll. He is currently suing for custody of their 13 year old son. “He’s got it in his mind that I’m filthy and do dirty things with the doll. I knit it because I love him, but not because I love him. That’s just nasty.”

“My son told me they were visualizing his puberty gap or something like that. Whatever is going on, it sounds dirty. She takes the doll to bed with her. I know that much,” said Joe Goldsmith, Voorsluijs’ ex-husband. “I have no idea what has gotten into her head in the few years since we’ve been divorced. She used to be normal; I only divorced her because she was a bitch, not because she was creepy.”

Since news of Voorsluijs’ doll broke locally, many parents throughout the country have apparently contacted her in hopes of having a doll made of their own children.

“Lots of people love my crocheted child, and I know I do, too,” said Voorsluijs. “I am so glad that this is happening to me right now. People everywhere are asking about buying a doll of their child. Some are offering to pay thousands! This could be a huge business. Joe is just jealous I never made a doll of him, that’s all.”

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Faux Report

Woman Leaves Toddler In Freezing Car For Over 30 Minutes While She Buys Red Bull

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AKRON, Ohio – 

Cheryl Crawford has been arrested on charges of endangering a child after leaving her 5-year-old son in the backseat on an unheated car in frigid temperatures. She reportedly was getting him a Red Bull inside the gas station when a cash register malfunction held up the line.

Police Chief Andy Alleman told reporters a a concerned citizen called in, saying a young child was in the car alone on the 9-degree day. An officer responded within minutes and waited for the guardian’s return, fifteen minutes later. He had been preparing to break open the window.

The officer asked Crawford what had been so important in the store, and she produced lottery tickets, cigarettes, and a 12 oz RedBull. When the Crawford opened the locked car the boy “threw a fit, demanding the Redbull, which she refused to do, worried it might be illegal to give children caffeine.”

“Look, when you got a pain-in-the-ass little boy, then you talk to me about leaving him places,” said Crawford. “I went in the store, and there was problems with the register. What am I supposed to do? Take him inside every time I have to go to a store? What do I do when I go into my boy’s house to pick up a gram? Do I bring him in there, too? Shit.”

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Faux Report

Woman Spends Over $200k On Plastic Surgery To Look Like Her Dog

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BRIARVILLE, Georgia – 

A Georgia woman, Samantha Kenner, has reportedly spend nearly a quarter of a million dollars on plastic surgery in an attempt to look like her dog, Ben.

“Ben and I have been together since I was 14,” said Kenner, now 30. “He’s an old dog, but he’s loyal, and I love him to death. I wanted to look more like him to show my support and appreciation for how loving he’s been.”

Kenner says she first got the idea to have the surgeries after she watched a TV show about a man who had spent his life savings on trying to look like Superman.

“I figured that if he could do that, I could look like a dog,” said Kenner. “It started out small – a tuck here, a snip there, some fur added and other hair removed, but in the end, I think I look beautiful. And now, when Ben sees me after I come home from a long day at work, it’s way less awkward when he humps my leg, because even though I may still be mostly human, I feel way more like his bitch.”

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Faux Report

Woman Told By Husband To ‘Make Sandwiches’ Beats Him To Death With Loaf of Bread

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CHINA, Maine – 

A woman in the small town of China, Maine, was arrested on Christmas night after neighbors called 911 when they heard “blood-curdling screams” emanating from the house.

Megan Charles, 29, was taken into custody when police found her standing over her husband’s body. Joe Charles, 32, was dead on police arrival, beaten to death with a loaf of bread.

“To be honest, you wouldn’t think that someone could beat another person to death with a loaf of bread, but in this case, it’s completely true,” said China police chief Mario Jones. “I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my day, but nothing like this. We have taken Mrs. Charles into custody, and we have no further statements at this time.”

An anonymous source in the police office says that Megan Charles used a loaf of Heartland bread and bludgeoned her husband to death with it. According to Mrs. Charles, it was because her husband, Joe, would constantly berate her and force her to make sandwiches.

“Every day, every night, that’s all I’d get from him,” said Charles to a police investigator. “Go make me some sandwiches. Sandwiches this, sandwiches that. It was insane. I could have cooked him a 4 course meal, and he’d still just want a ham sandwich. Well fuck him, he can have his sandwiches in hell!”

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Faux Report

Baby Born With Facial Features Of Elephant Gets Mother Arrested On Beastiality Charges

baby elephant

SAN DIEGO, California – 

A San Diego woman, Julie Clarke, 30, was arrested on possible beastiality charges after her baby, who was born almost 9 weeks premature, was delivered and had facial features of an elephant.

“We are extremely excited and immensely disturbed that this child was born,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of the San Diego Medical Center. “Excited because it would be the first case of a sort of ‘natural’ gene combing, forming a new species. We are disturbed because the only way that this baby could have been made was because his mother had sex with an elephant.”

Clarke, who happens to be an employee at the San Diego Zoo, says that she didn’t have sex with an elephant, although she does say that she has no idea who the father of her baby is.

“I was going through a bit of a phase late last year into the beginning of this year,” said Clarke. “I was pretty much screwing anything that moved. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship, so it’s what you do, you know? I think I’d remember having sex with an elephant though. Wouldn’t I? I mean seriously? I drank a ton at that point, but…Oh God, did I fuck an elephant and forget about it?”

Doctors are working closely with police investigators to see if Clarke should be charged with beastiality, or if some other sort of genetic malfunction caused the elephant face of the baby.

“One thing is certain, though, regardless of whether Ms. Clarke remembers having sex with an elephant,” said Dr. Brown. “The elephant, wherever he is, definitely remembers. After all, an elephant never forgets.”

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Tree That Resembles Nude Woman Will Reportedly Get You Pregnant If You Touch It

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BILLINGS, North Carolina – 

A tree that has stood in the Westfield Park in Billings, North Carolina for over 80 years is reportedly one of the most incredible trees in the world. While most trees just give life through oxygen, this specific tree can apparently give a completely different kind of life, as women who have visited and touched the tree have reported immediate instance of pregnancy.

“It was the strangest thing, honestly,” said Marsha Smith, 22. “My boyfriend and I visited the tree, and we were sitting underneath. He commented how crazy it was that it looked like a nude woman, and that he was strangely turned on by it. One thing lead to another, and we went at it right there under the tree. Anyway, before we left, I walked over and put my hand on the tree, and a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant!”

Other women have also reported that they too were impregnated by the tree, which locals have dubbed “The Tree of Life.”

“I went up to the Tree of Life, and I touched her and said a silent prayer that maybe I could get pregnant,” said Eileen Dover, 24. “My husband and I had been trying for over a year, and no go. I went home that day and felt a little ill, so I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. My husband and I hadn’t had sex in like a week, so I know it wasn’t him that got me pregnant. Sperm doesn’t last that long in your body, so it was truly a miracle!”

Researchers say that the tree itself is probably not magical in any way, and that women just need to better understand how babies are made.

 

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Faux Report

Sexy Woman Makes Fortune Bottling Her Sweat, Selling It To Lonely Men

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JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts – 

A former aerobics instructor, Jasmine Smith, says she has made over $1 million dollars after she started a business bottling her own sweat and selling it online.

“To be honest, I don’t know what the people who purchase it are using it for, and I don’t really ask,” said Smith, 24. “It all started after a private workout lesson I was giving a few years ago. The guy who paid for the lesson pulled me aside after, and asked if he could take my sweaty towels and clothes. I was super hesitant at first, but he paid me $400 for them, so I let it go.”

Smith says after that, the man visited several more times, and began paying higher figures.

“After that, I just sort of took to the internet to see if this was something I could do all the time. Turns out, there’s a big market for the sweat of sexy young women,” says Smith.

Reportedly starting her ‘business’ on the website Reddit, Smith says that she has about 300 “very dedicated” customers who buy her bottled sweat, old towels, workout clothes, and underwear.

“I will keep doing this as long as I can, as long as the men think I’m sexy enough to buy my sweat,” said Smith. “At this rate, I’ve already paid off my college loans, my car, and put down a large payment on a new house. The sweat has really been sweet.”

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Faux Report

Woman Pulls a Gun On Store Cashier Who Said ‘Happy Holidays’ Instead of ‘Merry Christmas’

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ASHEVILLE, North Carolina – 

A woman reportedly pulled a gun on a Kroger’s grocery store cashier who wished her ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of a ‘Merry Christmas’ after the transaction, according to Asheville Police.

“We had a call of a woman, mid-to-late-30s, who pulled a semi-automatic pistol on a Kroger’s employee,” said police chief Miles Kenefic. “The woman, who has yet to be identified, reportedly was upset to hear the employee say ‘happy holidays,’ and pulled the gun from her purse.”

The Kroger’s employee, who has been placed on leave following the incident to recover from stress-related illness, was told by her supervisors to tell everyone “Happy Holidays” after they had completed their transaction.

“It’s Kroger’s policy to say ‘Happy Holidays,’ because it’s more inclusive,” said store manager Joe Goldsmith. “It doesn’t matter to me if you celebrate Christmas or any other holiday at this time. You could celebrate no gift giving of family-oriented or religious holiday. It wouldn’t matter. There’s still New Year’s, and that’s still a holiday, so it’s just what we say here. Our employee was in the right.”

Police have been unable to come up with any leads as to the identity of the woman in the store, but say they are ‘working diligently’ to locate the suspect.

“We’re very upset that this happened in our city,” said Goldsmith. “It’s definitely proof-positive of why people should not be allowed to carry guns. Period.”

 

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Woman Claims She Makes Thousands Of Dollars Running Dog Breastfeeding Business

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DELUTH, Mississippi – 

A Mississippi woman says that she makes thousands of dollars each year running a business of breastfeeding dogs, reports the Mississippi Times. Maryanne Chambers started her business 10 years ago after discovering that her breast milk supply never seemed to run out.

“I breastfed my children until they were out of diapers, but then I noticed I still had tons of milk to give,” said Chambers, 34. “So, I decided to put it to good use.”

Many dog owners say that human breast milk is the most nutritious thing for their pets to drink, but it is often very hard to come by.

“Oh boy, my pug Lucyfur, she loves breast milk,” said a dog owner who wishes to remain anonymous. “I started paying Maryanne about 2 years ago. Sometimes, my Lucky, she goes over to Maryanne’s house and suckles straight from the source, but usually I just buy bottled milk.”

Chambers says that she usually charges around $40 a bottle for her breast milk, but that so many clients need multiple bottles, she regularly earns a near six-figure income.

“Last year I cleared $97,000 after taxes,” said Chambers. “If you’ve got tit milk a-brewing, then you better get those dogs over to your place. You won’t regret it.”

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