Tag Archives: healthy

Faux Report

Woman Delivers Healthy Newborn Baby Anally After Internal Complications

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

A woman who went into labor on Sunday evening became the first in recorded history to deliver her baby anally instead of vaginally, after internal complications forced doctors to re-route her baby’s delivery path.

“Our patient, whose name is not being released at this time, suffered from serious infections and complications during her labor, and as such, we were not able to deliver her baby vaginally or through emergency caesarian procedures,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith of Atlanta Medical Center. “The patient was sedated, and we were able to successfully redirect her baby from her uterus through her bowels, and out her colon. It is the first, and as I’m aware, only time that this has been performed.”

Dr. Goldsmith says the entire procedure was recorded for future study and use by other medical professionals who may run into similar situations. At the time of this writing, both mother and baby were fine, although mother will be forced to wear adult diapers for the forseeable future.

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Faux Report

McDonald’s Suggests Eating 3 McDoubles Each Day As Part Of ‘Healthy Diet’

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OAK BROOK, Illinois – 

After Chick-Fil-A recently announced that they suggest people eat their chicken nuggets 3 or 4 times a day as part of a healthy diet, McDonald’s fired back that they, too, should have their food eaten as often as possible if you wish to lose weight.

“Chick-Fil-A may have nuggets, but they’re not as good as ours,” said McDonald’s spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Ours also come with fewer calories per serving, and nowhere near as much homophobia. We strive to make the best nuggets, burgers, shakes, and fries that are out there today.”

According to scientists in the McDonald’s Food Development Lab, eating at least 3 McDoubles – a staple of the restaurant’s dollar menu – each day can help to keep you “fit, healthy, and less hungry.”

“Personally, I eat at least 5 McDoubles each day, and I normally wash it down with a side of french fries and a Diet Coke,” said food researcher Myles Kenefic. “So far, eating that way, I’ve lost over 20lbs in the last 18 years. I think that definitely says something about our food, and our products, and how it can help you stay healthy in the face of adversity.”

McDonald’s say that they hope to get people onto a Mc-Diet as quickly as possible, if not for the health of their customers, but for the sake of their rapidly failing business.

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Faux Report

Loni Jane Anthony Plans On Having A Second Baby, Keeping It On Extreme Diet

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Loni Jane Anthony, the woman who was criticized for her extreme 80/10/10 vegan diet, says she plans to have another child to replace her first born, who has developed a taste for meat.

After living a life filled with booze and bad food choices, Anderson adapted a “healthy diet,” created by Dr. Douglas Graham, of 80% fruits and vegetables, 10% protein, and 10% fat. She received criticism from many on the internet who said she did not eat enough fat and protein during her first pregnancy. Thankfully, her growing baby sucked all the minerals and fats it needed from her brain and bones, and little Rowdy came out happy and healthy.

Anthony, who said at first she would raise her baby as vegan, and respect the choices he made later in life, has now reportedly gone back on her word. She announced on her Twitter page that she is planning on having another baby to replace ‘the bad apple,’ who is now three years old.

“Rowdy begs and cries for Happy Meals, T-bone steaks, and bison burgers. I am not raising my child on meat!” said Anthony. “It was bad enough he insisted on so much breast milk as a baby. Breast milk is dairy! Dairy is fat! We made him so many delicious smoothies, and all he wanted was milk. Now that he’s older, he wants cheeseburgers! I won’t have it. I’m disowning him, and starting over. I plan to create a baby race of healthy dieters.”

Many followers of Anthony claim that she is probably only doing this for the publicity, as her Instagram and Twitter shots have been sluggish and boring, and getting less likes and shares lately.

“She’s losing steam, I tell you, and the diet clearly isn’t working as well, if you know what I mean,” said Instagram user FollowMeForLikes. “She’s just drumming up interest in her stupid diet again. If you ask me, that 10% fat is going straight to her ass.”

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