Tag Archives: Faux Report

Faux Report

Man Who Grows Lion Mane Immediately Promoted At New York Law Firm

lion

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Until last month, John Gold was just a mailroom associate at one of the biggest law firms in Manhattan, but all that changed when Gold decided to grow out his facial hair and have his hair dyed and cut to resemble that of a lion.

“I was just trying something new, but when I walked into work that Monday morning, I was immediately pulled aside,” said Gold. “I got taken into a big, inner office, and was immediately offered a job as an attorney.”

Despite knowing absolutely nothing about law, Gold took the job, saying that he couldn’t possibly pass up the opportunity – or the money.

“The only caveat they gave me was that I could never, ever cut or change my hair or my style,” said Gold. “I guess they think I’m going to be intimidating in the courtroom. I only hope that’s the case. The only thing I know about court is that ‘the whole damn thing is out of order.’”

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Faux Report

Drinking Gasoline May Help To ‘Cleanse’ Your Intestines, Keep You Regular

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Bill Myers, 42, says his morning routine hasn’t changed in nearly a decade – he gets up, drinks a glass of straight gasoline, enjoys a glass of milk, then immediately has explosive diarrhea.

“It’s the gasoline that does it for me,” said Myers, explaining his regimen. “You see, I was stuffed up, if you will, for a really long time. I mean, I didn’t go to the bathroom more than once or twice a month. It was horrible. Doctors were just about to cut me open with the amount of stool I had built up inside. But then, something crazy happened, and it changed my life.”

The “something crazy” that Myers is referring to is a car accident that he was in on Christmas eve 2006.

“I was coming home from work, and I hit a patch of black ice,” said Myers. “The car flipped over a few times, and the gas line was punctured. I was lucky to be alive, but at the same time, I also swallowed a lot of the gasoline as it got all over my body and my face. In less than a minute, I was shitting myself. When the paramedics arrived, I was too excited to even be embarrassed.”

Myers says that he now enjoys a full glass of gasoline every day when he gets up, another after lunch, and one right before dinner.

“Doctors tell me that I’m pretty much going to die any time now because of my habits, but I don’t care,” said Myers. “Once you start shitting on the regular, you do whatever you can to keep it going!”

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Faux Report

Woman Spends Over $200k On Plastic Surgery To Look Like Her Dog

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BRIARVILLE, Georgia – 

A Georgia woman, Samantha Kenner, has reportedly spend nearly a quarter of a million dollars on plastic surgery in an attempt to look like her dog, Ben.

“Ben and I have been together since I was 14,” said Kenner, now 30. “He’s an old dog, but he’s loyal, and I love him to death. I wanted to look more like him to show my support and appreciation for how loving he’s been.”

Kenner says she first got the idea to have the surgeries after she watched a TV show about a man who had spent his life savings on trying to look like Superman.

“I figured that if he could do that, I could look like a dog,” said Kenner. “It started out small – a tuck here, a snip there, some fur added and other hair removed, but in the end, I think I look beautiful. And now, when Ben sees me after I come home from a long day at work, it’s way less awkward when he humps my leg, because even though I may still be mostly human, I feel way more like his bitch.”

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Faux Report

United States Plans To Enforce 1-Child Limit On Families

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WASHINGTON, D.C – 

China announced this week that they were lifting their decades-old ban on children, which previously only allowed families to have one child. Although not lifted completely, the country did decide to allow people to now have 2 children per household. In the United States, though, the amount of children a person could have has never been regulated – until now.

“We are quickly become an overpopulated nation, much like China,” said President Obama. “People are using and abusing our systems, they are taking handouts and living off the government, all because they had too many children they could not afford. I am all for helping your neighbor, but sometimes, your neighbor must also help themselves.”

According to President Obama, the United States has needed population control for many years, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to pass measures through congress. Right before the 2015 holiday break, the measure was voted on and passed.

“Starting in April of 2016, we will be limiting the number of children a couple may have down to one,” said Obama. “Obviously, if you have more than that currently, that is fine, but you will be required to stop at one child once you have your first. Men will have vasectomies; women, their tubes tied. We cannot take any chances on overpopulating this country, or this world.”

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Faux Report

Man Returning From Active Duty Gift Wraps Himself As X-Mas Surprise, Suffocates In Box

army

TRENTON, New Jersey – 

An Army officer returning from active duty in Pakistan who planned a wonderful surprise for his family on Christmas, having himself gift wrapped and shipped home by UPS, was found dead early Christmas morning after his family neglected to open the present right away.

“We didn’t know that he was in there, because we had no idea that he was coming home,” said Mary Charles, whose husband, Donald, was in the box. “Last we spoke, he wasn’t coming home for a couple weeks, and I was so busy getting the kids their presents, I didn’t even notice it sitting in the corner until later in the day, and by then, it was too late. Plus, there was no tag, so no one knew to even open it. Christmas is a super busy holiday, you know?”

Officer Donald Charles had served two tours of duty, and was slated to have been home for good.

“Normally we don’t ship people, but since it was Christmas, I made an exception,” said UPS store employee Mike Mills. “Mr. Charles came into the store and wanted us to gift wrap him and ship him to his home, which was only a few miles away. I wrapped him up myself, although I guess I forgot to put holes in. Whoops.”

According to police, no charges will be filed against Mills or UPS, although officers warn against shipping yourself, or any living creature, through the mail.

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First Lady Michelle Obama Reveals Her Secret Black Metal Music Fetish

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

First lady Michelle Obama would be the last person you would think of when it comes to famous celebrities who listen to heavy metal or any sort of rock music, but as it turns out, the first lady is a huge fan of extremely vile, heavy, and extreme metal and grindcore bands.

“Oh my God, yes, I love it,” said Obama when she was questioned about a recent image of her showing off some of her CD collection. “I grew up on gospel songs and pop music, and when I marred Barack, he turned me on to some of the heavier stuff, and I was hooked. Then I started branching out on my own. I love this heavy stuff so much!”

According to Obama, she listens to death metal and grindcore while she works out.

“Nothing gets the blood pumping more than some Vulvectomy or some Anal Cunt,” said Obama, proudly displaying her Post Abortion Slut Fuck album. “When you want to relax, there are plenty of great bands. But when you want to really tear some shit up, there’s nothing quite like some heavy, dark, and pulsing metal.”

For Christmas, the first lady said she received new albums by Rotting Flesh Corpse, Dismembered Fetal Fucks, and Solid Core Enema.

“Barack knows me so well,” quipped The First Lady.

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Faux Report

Woman Told By Husband To ‘Make Sandwiches’ Beats Him To Death With Loaf of Bread

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CHINA, Maine – 

A woman in the small town of China, Maine, was arrested on Christmas night after neighbors called 911 when they heard “blood-curdling screams” emanating from the house.

Megan Charles, 29, was taken into custody when police found her standing over her husband’s body. Joe Charles, 32, was dead on police arrival, beaten to death with a loaf of bread.

“To be honest, you wouldn’t think that someone could beat another person to death with a loaf of bread, but in this case, it’s completely true,” said China police chief Mario Jones. “I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my day, but nothing like this. We have taken Mrs. Charles into custody, and we have no further statements at this time.”

An anonymous source in the police office says that Megan Charles used a loaf of Heartland bread and bludgeoned her husband to death with it. According to Mrs. Charles, it was because her husband, Joe, would constantly berate her and force her to make sandwiches.

“Every day, every night, that’s all I’d get from him,” said Charles to a police investigator. “Go make me some sandwiches. Sandwiches this, sandwiches that. It was insane. I could have cooked him a 4 course meal, and he’d still just want a ham sandwich. Well fuck him, he can have his sandwiches in hell!”

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Compulsively Checking Your Phone Can Lead To Brain Tumors, Study Finds

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Harvard College have released their findings of a recent study, detailing the effects of compulsively checking your phone.

“What we’ve found is that people who check and use their phone more often, die younger and with more violent, harsh deaths,” said Mark Cooban, who headed the study. “You see, the more often you check your phone, the more likely you are to development cancerous brain tumors, tremors, panic and anxiety attacks, cancer, AIDs, Hep-C, broken bones, vision loss, hearing loss, heart murmurs, and a slew of other issues.”

Although the study is not final, Cooban says that people should take warning of the study’s findings.

“We still have a long way to go, but I will say that of the 4 people in the study, 2 have died due to their phones,” said Cooban. “One was hit by a bus while crossing the street and texting, and another fell off a cliff while trying to send a snapchat picture of themselves to friends. Although not technically what we were looking for, we count those deaths as phone-specific.”

 

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Presidential Candidate Ben Carson Arrested On Fraud Charges

carson

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Dr. Ben Carson has reportedly been arrested on charges of fraud after it was revealed that the presidential candidate was not actually black.

According to reports, Dr. Ben Carson was born white, and later changed his skin tone to get ahead in his primary field of surgical medicine.

“It’s very, very easy for a black man to get a job as a surgeon, or any doctor in any field, really,” said Dr. Miles Jones, head of medicine at Cambridge. “Affirmative Action basically makes it extremely easy for anyone who is black to get a job. Employers can’t risk not hiring someone who is African-American on the off-chance that they might get sued for racial discrimination.”

While Dr. Carson has not officially made a statement, a team of democratic naysayers have reportedly unearthed Ben Carson’s original birth certificate, which lists Carson as Caucasian. Dr. Carson’s legal team, as well as his campaign team, maintain that he is, and always has been, African-American.

Carson is being questioned by D.C. Police on charges of defrauding the public and gross misuse of campaign funds, after it was questioned whether or not a white man could actually receive money if the person donating thought it was going to a black man.

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‘World’s Ugliest Woman’ Married To Man Who Wore Mask ‘To Make Wife Feel Pretty’

mask

JASMINE, Florida – 

The world’s ugliest woman, Joanne Jones, 32, was married last week to a man who obviously has no desire to be named publicly, but who spoke to Empire News about their lavish wedding.

“I married Joanne because although she may have the most hideous face in the world, she has a rockin’ body and she sucks like a champ,” said Jones’ new husband. “I wore a mask because I wanted her to feel pretty for just one day, at least. I mean frankly, it didn’t work. I still looked better in that mask that she did, but you know, she was happy. And because she was happy, I had one hell of a wedding night.”

“I was pretty sad when I was named Guinness’ ‘World’s Ugliest Person,’ but you know, it’s not that bad, really,” said Jones. “I do lots of speaking engagements. Public appearances. I make decent money doing that. And now I have true love. He definitely loves me, more than anyone ever has. He even wore that mask just to make me feel pretty. And that’s pretty awesome.”

“Make no mistake, I’m only with her because she’s a hell of a screw and makes good money and lives in a nice house,” said Joanne’s husband. “I went out with her on a bet, went to bed with her on a bet, shit I married her on a bet. The mask is, really, so no one knows who I am. I don’t want to be outed.”

“I love him so much,” said Joanne. “He’s the best.”

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Baby Born With Face On Torso and No Head Might Be ‘Creepiest Ever,’ Says Doctor

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PHOENIX, Arizona –

A baby born earlier this week has an extremely rare disease that has caused it to not have a head, but have its face on its torso, is being described by doctors as the ‘creepiest thing’ that they have ever seen.

“Holy shit, I’m not kidding when I said it’s disturbing,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who delivered the baby. “I almost vomited all over the place. Not from disgust, really, just from the shocking nature of it. It’s insane. I don’t even want to look at it.”

The child, whose mother has asked not to be named, is one of only 3 or 4 known cases of what doctors call Ichabod Crane Syndrome, named after the famous story of the Headless Horseman.

“It’s extremely rare, and thank God for that,” said Dr. Brown. “I can’t believe I delivered that baby. It’s a miracle, sure, and it’s definitely a child of God, they all are – but holy fuck you guys, did you see it?”

Mommy and  baby, who has been named Brayden, are reportedly doing fine.

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119-Year-Old Woman Credits Long Life To Cigarettes

cigarettes

BOISE, Idaho –

Mrs. Elle Clark just turned 119 earlier this week, and she celebrated the day the same way she’s greeted every day for the last 108 years – with a cigarette.

“Oh yes, it’s the only way to really start your day and feel good,” said Clark, who has outlived all 6 of her children, as well as her 3 grandchildren. “There’s nothing better than a good unfiltered smoke, except, of course, for unfiltered prayer.”

Mrs. Clark says that she first began smoking when she was about 11 years old, after her mother left an unfinished cigarette in the ashtray.

“I snuck it out, and smoked it, and it was the first time I felt I could actually breathe, you know?” said Mrs. Clark. “After that I was hooked.”

Clark said she was so excited about smoking, she even named her children after cigarettes and cigarette-related things.

“I had six children, God rest their souls,” said Clark. “My oldest was Philip, then came Morris. I had a daughter, Marby, and another son, Paul Mall. Then my youngest two were boys as well, Benson and Hedges. They were all happy kids growing up, they all lived well into adulthood, but none of them took up smoking, and they all died young.”

Mrs. Clark says that she is extremely thankful for her 4-pack-a-day habit, and that she doesn’t see herself slowing down on smoking any time soon.

“I’ll probably smoke until I’m dead, and even then, I want to be buried with a pack in the casket and one in my mouth,” said Clark. “It’s really a wonderful life I’ve lived.”

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Baby Born With Facial Features Of Elephant Gets Mother Arrested On Beastiality Charges

baby elephant

SAN DIEGO, California – 

A San Diego woman, Julie Clarke, 30, was arrested on possible beastiality charges after her baby, who was born almost 9 weeks premature, was delivered and had facial features of an elephant.

“We are extremely excited and immensely disturbed that this child was born,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of the San Diego Medical Center. “Excited because it would be the first case of a sort of ‘natural’ gene combing, forming a new species. We are disturbed because the only way that this baby could have been made was because his mother had sex with an elephant.”

Clarke, who happens to be an employee at the San Diego Zoo, says that she didn’t have sex with an elephant, although she does say that she has no idea who the father of her baby is.

“I was going through a bit of a phase late last year into the beginning of this year,” said Clarke. “I was pretty much screwing anything that moved. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship, so it’s what you do, you know? I think I’d remember having sex with an elephant though. Wouldn’t I? I mean seriously? I drank a ton at that point, but…Oh God, did I fuck an elephant and forget about it?”

Doctors are working closely with police investigators to see if Clarke should be charged with beastiality, or if some other sort of genetic malfunction caused the elephant face of the baby.

“One thing is certain, though, regardless of whether Ms. Clarke remembers having sex with an elephant,” said Dr. Brown. “The elephant, wherever he is, definitely remembers. After all, an elephant never forgets.”

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Men Are Paying Thousands Of Dollars To Be Led Around Like Dogs By Beautiful Women

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CHICAGO, Illinois – 

A secret trend that has reportedly been going on for quite some time in Chicago’s underground sex scene is seeing a major public interest after a well-known actor said that he “loves being led around like a dog.”

According to Variety, a very well-known and respected Oscar winning actor (who they refused to name) has been visiting Chicago for over a decade to be led around on a leash like a dog.

“I could do this in LA, I’m sure, but there’s something about flying to Chicago, away from everyone I know and see every day, and letting a woman strap me to a leash and parade me around the neighborhood,” said the unknown actor, who Variety said is in his mid-30s, and often stars in historical dramas. “It’s sexual, yes, but it’s also just about being treated like shit for awhile. In Hollywood, everyone is a yes man, especially after you win an Oscar. This takes that way, way down and throws it all away.”

Hollywood elite aren’t the only ones indulging, though. A woman that Empire News spoke to says she has made her living over the last three years being a Doggy Mom, as they’ve become to be referred to as.

“It started innocently enough, actually,” said Maryanne Jones, 31. “I was married, and my husband liked to be dominated. I wasn’t that big into it one way or the other when we were together, but after we got divorced, I found myself still wanting to have that control. I put an ad on Craigslist, and here we are, three years later. I have probably 25 different clients or so, and I made about $60,000 last year. It’s a living, that’s for sure.”

 

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