Tag Archives: Faux Report

Faux Report

Oregon Militia Sent Another Human Penis

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PORTLAND, Oregon –

The Oregon Militia has been making a decent profit selling the dildos that have been donated to them lately, encouraging people to keep donating whatever they’d like. “Send us your bag of dicks!” read a recent post made on their social media page. They had hoped to get supplies to re-sell, but what they did not expect to receive was actual human remains.

Leaders of the Bundy family have come out on Youtube saying that the plethora of sex toys people were sending would not deter them from their mission of helping families. “We’re not going to let all your hatemail sidetrack us. We’re going to continue to do good for our families and this country.”

Since their video aired, they have received two packages which contained actual human genitals. Although they have taken over a federal building, the post office continues to deliver their mail.

“It’s very creepy for us to get actual human remains in the mail, but it’s more annoying than anything,” said Carl Bundy. “We want to be able to sell the items donated to us, and it’s illegal to sell human body parts. It’s a shame someone would throw away perfectly good penises like this.”

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Faux Report

Fistfight Occurs Between Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush on Campaign Trail

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Things are getting heated on the campaign trail, as even politicians of the same party are having words. Sources inside the Republican parrty say that both Bush and Cruz were careful to keep out of the eyes of the press during a recent fight, and the whole affair was considered “off the record.”

An intern working closely with Bush says, “Cruz broke the gentlemen’s code and hit Bush in the face. He’s going to need to wear extra foundation. The unwritten code between candidates is below the belt is fine, but don’t throw any punches that could mar a fellow’s face.”

Sources close to Cruz say the fight started because Cruz accused Jeb Bush of being a sore loser. In the polls, Bush is coming in a distant third. “The 2000, election where Al Gore got the popular vote – well, at first Jeb Bush did not want to rig the election to help George W. He wanted to be president. Daddy Bush told him that it was Georgie’s turn now, and Jeb would get to be president after. Jeb went along with it, but now he’s not getting what he was promised. So he’s being a poor sport.”

Cruz appears to be taking a more macho approach to his campaign in general. After the fistfight with Bush, Cruz challenged Trump to a Mano-a-Mano debate anytime between now and he Iowa caucus. Among candidates in the Republican party, this is equivalent to posturing like an aggressive ape and growling.

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Faux Report

Casualties of Blizzard 2016 Still Being Found Buried In Snow

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PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

Four days after the record breaking blizzard, cleanup throughout the Northeast is ongoing. Dump trucks unloading on the city island in Pittsburgh have turned up a record-breaking amount of homeless people.

So far 11 have been found in the snow during removal. During the storm, emergency shelters quickly filled to capacity, and workers had to turn many away who were left to fend for themselves in the storm.

City worker Tim McManus explains, “The homeless get confused and disoriented when there is this much snow. Unable to find shelter they may dig out ‘igloos.’ This attempt at taking shelter actually puts them at higher risk. Some do not even hear the plows coming because they have to drink themselves into a stupor to fall asleep on the streets.”

City officials ask residents to please continue to be patient as the snow and homeless removal continues.

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Faux Report

Authors of ‘Eat More, Weigh Less’ and ‘Zero Belly Fat’ Weight-Loss Books Sued

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DAYTON, Ohio – 

Monika Ames is suing under the legal theory that the title of books she purchased should have included a disclaimer to warn her she had to read the book before adopting the diet. “I ate more and I certainly don’t weigh any less.”

Some would call it common sense that you have to read the book before following the advice on the cover, but this is not stopping her lawyer David Moreno, who says they have a great case. “My client is sick of being lied to. This is going to be the biggest thing since they started putting “Caution: Contents Hot” on coffee.

David Zinczenko, author of Zero Belly Fat, will also be implicated in the suit. His Wednesday, January 27th appearance on The View was almost canceled over the suit. Last minute changes were approved by the show and his lawyer, which allowed the explanation of food pairings that will help you burn more fat than either alone. He may need to add a disclaimer to the new editions of his book, such as “results not typical.”

Dean Ornish, author of Eat More Weigh Less, said at first he was just happy people were still talking about his book he originally released in 1993. Ornish says, “I am still going strong with this diet, and my first thoughts were ‘she obviously was not following it.’ Then I released she didn’t even read it. They’ll throw this out of court like that woman throws down chocolate cake.

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Faux Report

Donald Trump Says JK Rowling Will ‘Never Work In This Country Again’

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

An offensive tweet, posted by Trump’s aid Katrina Pierson, surfaced and has attracted attention from around the world. Katrina Pierson’s 2012 tweet referred to the two popular presidential candidates, asking, “Perfect Obama’s dad born in Africa, Mitt Romney’s dad born in Mexico. Any pure breeds left?”

Author JK Rowling was quick to respond, with “Death Eaters Walk Amongst Us.” In Harry Potter, Death Eaters are followers of evil Lord Voldemort, who were of “pure blood.” As Trump is a known racist, none were surprised that he was being called out as a Death Eater.

Although he did not understand the comment, Trump took offense, ensuring his cohorts that action would be taken against Rowling. “Neil Murray needs to rein in his wife. Rowling did not even take his name. We can see she’s the one who wants to wear the pants in this family. Well, she’s not in control in my house, and I can assure you, JK Rowling will never work in the United States again.”

Analysts consider this to be an unwise move by Trump, considering the millions of Harry Potter fans in the country ready to base their vote on Rowling’s tweets. Trump also seemed to be confused when he was informed that Rowling was not, in fact, an American citizen.

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Matthew Perry Admits Filming ‘Friends’ Caused Substance Abuse Problems

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NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Matthew Perry admits he does not remember much of the years he spent on Friends, and says he would never have been an alcoholic and drug addict if he had made different career choices.

“I didn’t remember the years I filmed Friends, and I can say I don’t want to. At the time I think I was trying to block it all out. When I look back now, and I watch the re-runs, I think ‘what a horrible show!’ Even the royalty checks can’t block out that garbage. If you were me trying to get through that shit, you’d have been messed up, too.”

Perry says that although there were copious amounts of drugs on the set, he did not partake until after hours. “Coke service was right next to food service, but I always stayed straight while we were filming. I’m a professional. Even though I was disturbed by what I was doing, the character I was playing, I stuffed all that down until later. I always started the night with booze. By morning I was crawling out of a k-hole and someone was splashing water on my face.”

In addition to Ketamine, the actor admits to using alcohol, Xanax, and cheap heroin. Perry says over time the drug use ate at his memory, and now the memories of being on the set of Friends are completely blocked out. “Part of it is post-traumatic stress. Most of it was the drugs. Almost all of it can be blamed on David Schwimmer.”

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Faux Report

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs Admits To Killing Notorious BIG

BIG

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a recent interview with MTV News, Sean Combs, aka Diddy, admits he and the late Notorious BIG were “frenemies at best.”

“There was a rivalry between us. He’s the one that came up with my name, Puff Daddy. You think I would’ve chosen that weak-ass name for myself? Please,” said Diddy during the interview.

This inspired a rivalry between the two artists, which eventually led to the demise of Biggie Smalls. “I killed him – lyrically that is. After that, Wallace had himself killed so he’d win in the end. Sold a lot of records after that. It was a marketing strategy. Might have worked for a while, but who’s sold more records now, bitch?”

Diddy went on to say insist he was not responsible for the rapper’s death, saying clogged arteries would have killed him soon anyway. “Fattie couldn’t ride the elevator up to the studio without huffing and puffing.”

The MTV News interview will not be aired on their network, per their agreement with advertisers to show nothing but reality TV, but it will be available on their website.

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Faux Report

Actress Stacy Dash of ‘Clueless’ Fame Accused of ‘Turning Against Race’

stacy dash

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Actress Stacey Dash’s recent controversial remarks have made many say she has “turned against her race.” Dash recently denounced BET network and Black History Month, saying these institutions segregate instead of integrate, and criticized double standards that benefit black people.

Rapper Bun B made remarks on his Instagram accusing Dash of hating her black skin and heritage. He says Dash is “as whack as those white kids who couldn’t spell nigga right in their school photo.”

African-Americans who were surveyed said BET and Black History month are here to stay. “We fought for double standards like affirmative action and the BET awards. They’ll pry take Black History Month from my cold dead hands,” said Bun B.

Others say, “Wasn’t that the actress from Clueless? How is what she has to say even relevant? And who the fuck is Bun B?”

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Faux Report

Justin Bieber Records Cover of 90s Hit ‘Macarena’

Justin Bieber To Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Simultaneously beloved and despised, Los Del Rio’s hit Macarena will soon be back on the radio, resurrected by none other than Justin Bieber. The “musician” says when he learned what it was really about, he knew right away he would have to cover it.

Co-producer Steve James says when Bieber saw the translation he went wild over the song all over again. The song’s lyrics include, “Give your body joy” and tell of a girl who’s stepping out on her man, Vittorio.

Bieber explains, “It’s about a really thirsty girl. She wants it bad. This hits going to be sick, sick like the plague, girl.”

The “musician” says he has been looking for just the right 90s song to cover. He considered both NSync and Spice Girls hits, but nothing ever got off the ground. “I’m a real 90s kid. That’s the music I was raised on,” says Justin, who was born in 1994 and doesn’t understand that really makes him a 2000s kid, not a 90s kid.

Beliebers everywhere are excited, eager for any fresh track released by their Lord and savior, Justin “Jesus” Bieber.

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Faux Report

Bill Murray Says He Defecated On Hillary Clinton’s Limousine

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CHARLESTON, North Carolina –

No one expected Bill Murray to throw his hat in the ring for president, but last week, the 65-year-old comedian and actor made his intentions known officially, assuring everyone he is completely serious and interested in winning the 2016 election.

Unfortunately, immediately following his announcement that he was campaigning, a damning video surfaced of the actor on major news websites, showing him defecating on Hillary Clinton’s motorcade.

“It’s not like I was taking a dump on the American flag or anything,” Murray said, admitting to news outlets that what they had seen in the video was true. “It was just the Clinton limousine. Who cares? I had been thinking about doing that for a while now. It just seemed right. I’d never do that to Bernie Sanders, though. He seems like a decent guy. The rest of them are just scum.”

Murray’s representatives later retracted the statement, saying that Murray’s admission of guilt was a joke and made tongue-in-cheek. They denied any involvement, and attributed the incident to a lookalike.

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Faux Report

Ice-T Trademarks Name, Sues Snapple and Arizona Over Infringement

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Rapper and actor Ice-T has reportedly trademarked his moniker with the intention of suing major companies who infringe upon the mark with their products. Ice-T, whose real name is Tracy Marrow, says that he has been referring to himself after the tasty summer beverage longer than many companies have been selling the drink.

“Ice-T, Ice Tea, Iced Tea – it doesn’t matter what you call it or how you spell it, the name is the same, and these companies are infringing on my mark,” said the entertainer, who is perhaps best known for his song “Cop Killer” and for playing a police detective on TV on Law and Order: SVU. “I don’t really need the money, but I also don’t want companies shilling a product that I haven’t put my stamp on. Frankly, I don’t like iced tea that much, and I’d rather them call it something else.”

T has reportedly met with lawyers for companies such as Snapple and Arizona in hopes that a settlement can be reached without going to court.

“I don’t want these companies to go out of business or anything, I just want them to change the name of the product to something else, and let me be the only T, or tea, that’s around,” said Ice-T. “I’ve made a few suggestions, such as ‘sugary shit’ and ‘lemony liquid’ that they could go by, either of which I think would easily catch on with people who like to drink that stuff.”

Representatives for Snapple could not be reached for comment.

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Faux Report

Judge Releases Steven Avery From Prison After Realizing He’s Not Black

steven avery

MANITOWOC COUNTY, Wisconsin –

After looking over the case of Steven Avery, the man who spent 18 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit before being exonerated and then re-arrested on separate murder charges, Judge Joe Goldsmith has said he will sign for the release of Avery, after determining that he was not, in fact, black.

“In is a grave miscarriage of justice when a man who is not a minority is treated with such loathe and disrespect by the American Judicial System and by police and government agencies,” said Judge Goldsmith. “When the case was brought to my attention, and the facts presented to me, I naturally assumed that he must be guilty, but that – based on harassment he’s received over the years from law enforcement – that he must also be black. Imagine my shock when I started watching Making a Murderer on Netflix, and discovered that Steven Avery is a white man.”

Goldsmith says that he plans to discuss the case with prosecutors in Manitowoc County, who may bring charges on local officers guilty of harassing a man who does not fit the “minority minimums” for legal and allowed police harassment.

“Steven Avery is way, way too white to be receiving such mistreatment, and as such, he will be released in the coming weeks with a full pardon,” said Avery’s law team. “We are extremely grateful for Judge Goldsmith’s swift hand of justice, and we look forward to the trials of police who are guilty of giving a white man a bum deal.”

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‘Labyrinth’ Reboot To Use CGI Version of David Bowie As Star

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HOLLYWOOD, California –

Last week, Tri-Star Pictures announced that they would be working with Jim Henson Co. to create a reboot of the 80s classic film Labyrinth, which starred Jennifer Connelly and the late David Bowie. In the film, Connelly’s character wishes that her baby brother would be taken away by the Goblin King, played by Bowie.

“The original is such a classic staple of many people’s lives,” said Tri-Star CEO Joel Briggs. “We want to recreate that magic again, but without someone as amazing and…regal as David Bowie to play Jarreth the Goblin King, we weren’t sure we wanted to go ahead with our planned reboot.”

Briggs says that after discussing it with the studio’s in-house effects department, they have decided that the best course of action is to re-create Bowie’s original character using CGI special effects.

“No one could pull of playing that part in the way that Bowie did, and at this point, we don’t want to spend years searching for something we know we can’t find,” said Briggs. “We’ve come to an agreement with the Henson company that we will be digitally creating David Bowie as Jarreth for the reboot of the Labyrinth film.”

“I think it’s an amazing idea, because they’re right – no one could play that part like Bowie did,” said Donnie Lewis, a production gaffer who was hired to work on the new film. “I grew up with that film, with those characters, and no one could have the grace or magic that David Bowie had. No one. He was the ultimate superstar.”

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Idiot Arrested After Burning Toddler In Stupid, Tragic Accident

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ONTARIO, Canada –

Troy Allen, 27, was arrested for criminal negligence after throwing motor oil in a fire, which exploded and severely burned a nearby toddler. Allen says he had changed the oil in his truck earlier that week and needed to get rid of it.

“I thought – what better way to get rid of it? I didn’t know my nephew was behind me. He’d been put to bed as far as I knew,” said Allen. “I don’t know why everyone is giving me shit over this. He’s not my kid. Besides, I got plenty burned too, and he’s a lot younger than me. His body will heal and his skin will bounce right back.”

Responding officer Bill Parker said, “People do stupid things like that all the time around here. Unfortunately this time there were tragic consequences, as little Evan Williams was burned severely.”

The 2-year-old boy, Evan Williams, received third degree burns over most of his chest and face, and remains in critical condition at a local hospital. The mother of the toddler will also be charged with negligence as she told police “she was a little drunk” and did not know her boy was out of bed.

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