Tag Archives: babies

Faux Report

Planned Parenthood Announces They Will Stop Performing Abortions At All Clinics Nationwide

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

In a press release from Planned Parenthood, the non-profit company announced today that they would be ceasing to perform any abortions at any of their clinics throughout the country. The reason, they say, is not because of increased pressure from religious groups or right-wing nutjobs, but because they just really are sick of it being their “sole focus” in the media.

“We do so many amazing things for women, and for families in genera,” said Planned Parenthood CEO Marge Brock. “All anyone ever talks about is ‘gee, do you know how many abortions the perform,’ and that sort of thing. Frankly, it’s taking away all the resources of our other services, and we don’t have time to bother.”

Brock says that they will continue to council women on where they can get safe, medically performed abortions should they ask, but they won’t do anything in their facilities.

“We think this change will be great, and allow us to let people know about all the good we do,” said Brock. “Maybe now all these assholes will stop standing outside our offices with badly written signs and hatred, and they can go back to the internet where trolls belong.”

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Faux Report

Beyoncé and Jay-Z Announce Birth of Sextuplets

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Singer Beyoncé and her husband, entertainment mogul Jay-Z, officially announced the birth of their children yesterday, surprising the world by releasing a photo of sextuplets.

“We are extremely happy to welcome to the family our SIX NEW BABIES!” said Beyoncé in an instagram post, accompanied by a picture of the little ones, which she said are all happy and healthy. “We are so #blessed.”

The names of the children have not been released, but Jay-Z said in a social media post that all the babies and mom are “doing great.”

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Faux Report

Woman Claims She Makes Over $10k A Month By Asking ‘Boyfriends’ For Abortion Money

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As Reported By Huzlers:

A 27-year-old woman was pulled over early morning due to a speeding violation. Natasha Brown, acted in a very suspicious manner officers decided to search her vehicle where they discovered $60,000 in cash. When officers asked her why she had such a large amount of money she replied “I’m getting an abortion” she was taken into custody for further questioning.

She told Baton Rouge investigators that the money was rightfully hers, Investigators asked her for employment information and she told investigators she had no job that she was a “self-employed entrepreneur” she then told investigators she had multiple…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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Faux Report

Mt. Dew Proves To Be ‘Extremely Good’ For Premature Babies

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Doctors in Atlanta and Marshall Research Hospital have discovered that PepsiCo.’s product, Mt. Dew, is “extremely good” for babies, with 8 out of 10 premature infants in the study reacting positively to heavy doses of the soda, including quicker growth spurts, quicker time removed from respirators, as well as teaching them how to “suck, swallow, and breathe” faster.

“Most premature babies cannot suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time, which is why they spend months in hospitals, learning how to eat and drink without choking,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “When we switched their normal formula, which is fed through a tube for most preemies, to Mt. Dew, we saw excellent and noticeable improvement within days.”

Of the 1,000 premature babies that were studied, Dr. Brown says that they had a “100% survival rate,” with 85% of the babies going home before their due date, which is unheard of in standard medical practice.

“We are looking at how Mt. Dew has helped these babies, and the reasoning behind it,” said Brown. “We may also start to try other drinks as well, such as RedBull, to see the effects there. We have high hopes.”

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Faux Report

New Study Finds That Babies Fed Formula Over Breastmilk More Likely To Become Gay

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PERKINS, Iowa –

A study performed by scientists at the Perkins Institute of Genetic Studies in Iowa found that children that are fed powdered or liquid formula are more likely to become gay than babies who are fed breastmilk.

The study, which was performed over 20 years at the Perkins Institute followed 200 different babies from the time they were born until the time they were 20 years old. Dr. Sam Klein, who was the lead on the study, said that a whopping 89% of the babies who were given formula turned out to be homosexual.

“There is such a thing as correlation, and there is such a thing as causation, and with these overwhelming numbers, we believe that formula is a direct cause of homosexuality,” said Dr. Klein. “The chemical known as Benozite Carbon, which makes up a large portion of formula, seems to be to blame.”

Benozite Carbon is not found in natural breastmilk, but is needed to lengthen the shelf life of formulas.

Dr. Klein says that they are beginning their second study, which will follow new children, and plans to release his findings in medical journals this summer.

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Faux Report

Shoplifting Mother Blames Crime On Baby; Baby Gets Arrested

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WESTFIELD, South Dakota – 

A woman who was stopped for shoplifting at Walmart claims that it “wasn’t her” that put more than $900 worth of merchandise into her baby carriage, and that her 4-month-old infant is to blame.

“Jamal has him some kleptomania, and it’s bad, so bad,” said Ja’La Jones, 24. “That little boy be stealing anything and everything when we go into the store. I’m ashamed, but he’s my son, it’s what I gotta deal with you, know?”

Police say that store detectives stopped Jones on suspicion of shoplifting after they say they saw multiple devices sticking out from underneath the diaper bag in her baby stroller.

“There was a PS4 video game system, some games, movies, a flat iron, and a 40oz,” said Walmart security guard Jim Olson. “We stopped Ms. Jones, and she said that her baby must have grabbed all the things when she wasn’t looking and stuffed them down there.”

Curiously enough, upon review of the store security footage, Jones was never seen putting anything in to her carriage at all; police ended up arresting her baby for grand larceny.

“He’s on a troubled path, but I think some time in jail might do him good, while he’s young,” said Jones. “Don’t want him ending up like whichever one of them guys is his daddy. All 4 possibilities are in jail right now. It’s a tough life out here.”

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Baby Born 39 Weeks Early Miraculously Survives

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TYSON, West Virginia – 

A baby that was born 39 weeks premature has miraculously survived, thanks to quick-work from doctors at a West Virginia hospital.

Doctors say that Missy Carson, 22, gave birth to a baby girl that was 39 weeks early, or approximately one week old. It is the youngest than any baby has ever been born, and unbelievably, the baby is healthy.

“It’s the smallest baby I’ve ever seen outside of an ultrasound,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a pediatric surgeon. “I can’t believe it. It’s barely the size of a quarter, but she’s doing amazing. We have her on little breathing tubes and teeny, tiny feeding tubes, but she’s a real miracle. Mom is doing fine, too.”

“This was my second baby, and it was way, way easier than my first,” said Carson, a waitress. “My son Jonah is 2, and I was in labor for 19 hours. With this baby, I didn’t even feel her come out. I just sort of noticed I was bleeding a tiny bit, and there she was. It was the scariest moment of my life.”

Carson says she has named her daughter Hope Miracle.

 

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Faux Report

Hillary and Bill Clinton Paid Daughter Chelsea To Have Babies

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hilary and Bill Clinton allegedly paid daughter Chelsea, 35, to start a family. Chelsea is expecting her second child. Charlotte, now 16 months old, was born in September of 2014, about a year after Chelsea received a two million dollar incentive to start a family.

Not only did Hilary and Bill want grandbabies, they thought it would look good for the campaign. “The Clinton campaign wanted Hilary to appear to be a hard politician, which they have seen in her career as senator and secretary of state, while also retaining a warm, motherly aspect. Obviously Hilary Clinton’s womb has long ago dried up, and Chelsea is far too old to be cute. Voters like babies. Two is the optimal number. This definitely helped her win the Iowa caucuses,” says campaign analyst Greg Edelman.

Chelsea’s husband, Marc Mezvinsky says even though this ended the freedom the couple once enjoyed, he is happy they decided to take the money and conceive. “I am very lucky to have my kids and such generous inlaws. Sure, we don’t have the same freedom as before, but we’re set for life. And whatever helps Hilary win is good for our family and good for the nation. Clinton for president. All hail Clinton.”

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Colorado Couple ‘Clambakes’ Baby To Treat Colic

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DENVER, Colorado –

Two month old Aurora Dorsey has been removed from her mother’s care after Amy Dorsey told Aurora’s pediatrician she had been using marijuana to treat her baby’s colic. Although marijuana use is legal in the state, children are not allowed to use it recreationally and must have a prescription for medicinal use.

Amy told the infant’s doctor they would “clambake the bathroom” while the baby was inside, or gently blow smoke into Aurora’s face, which seemed to alleviate her colic discomfort and help her sleep through the night. Dorsey says, “I can’t believe they took her away over a little pot smoke. Besides marijuana has been proven to cure cancer. I saw all those St. Jude commercials and thought, ‘well at least this won’t happen to my baby.’”

Children inhaling secondhand smoke, whether from cigarettes or marijuana, are more susceptible to respiratory infections and more likely to get asthma. Since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, child welfare agencies have been finding it harder to stop children from using marijuana. Social worker Denise Haze says that while she has seen her fair share of 3-18 year olds smoking marijuana, this is usually without parental consent.

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Faux Report

New Mother Nurses Abandoned Kittens With Her Own Breast Milk

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TORONTO, Ontario, Canada – 

Sharon Carswell says she recently became a surrogate mom to three abandoned kittens. “Mommy just left them there like trash in a cardboard box. So I rescued them. Kitten formula is more expensive than baby formula, and I figured breast is always best, so I tried it, and they seem to like it.”

As her nipples were too large, the kittens were unable to nurse from her breast directly, so according to Carswell, she fed them her breast milk with an eye-dropper. Because her new baby, Killian, and the kitties were nurse mates, she says they now share a unique bond.

“There’s a real bond between my baby and the cats. Seeing them playing with balls of yarn or gumming on sardines together is the most precious thing,” Carswell says, although she does admit that reactions have been mixed. “Some people are grossed out and shocked, others are in awe and proud. I am saving kittens with my breastmilk, and it’s amazing.”

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Faux Report

Teen Gives Birth To Eleven Babies, Claims She’s Never Even Had Sex

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JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A 17-year-old girl gave birth to a record-setting eleven babies on Wednesday evening, smashing the previous record of 8. Mary Lambert of Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, says that she was not taking any fertility drugs before she got pregnant, and that she doesn’t even know how she became pregnant in the first place.

“My boyfriend and I have never had sex before,” said Lambert, whose father, George, stood nearby. “We have been dating since I was 14 and he was 15, but we’ve never done anything before, not even kissing.”

Doctors say that having eleven babies at once was something they’d never seen before, and dealing with delivery was extremely difficult.

“You ever see those old movies or shows where a clown gets out of a car, and then another clown, and another, and soon you have a whole fleet of clowns that just stepped out of this tiny car? That’s what delivering these babies was like,” said Doctor Eugene Banks. “It’s like this girl’s vagina was a very weird clown car.”

According to Dr. Banks, though, there is no way that Lambert has never had sex.

“Of course she’s had sex. She’s a 17-year-old girl with a boyfriend who just gave birth, naturally I might add, to eleven babies,” said Dr. Banks. “How else does she think she got pregnant?”

“My daughter is a good girl, and if she says she’s never had sex, then she’s never had sex,” said George Lambert. “Just like the virgin mother gave birth to baby Jesus so many years ago, so too is my daughter a virgin Mary. Of course, I only wish God could have sent just one baby. Eleven is a little much.”

 

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Loni Jane Anthony Plans On Having A Second Baby, Keeping It On Extreme Diet

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Loni Jane Anthony, the woman who was criticized for her extreme 80/10/10 vegan diet, says she plans to have another child to replace her first born, who has developed a taste for meat.

After living a life filled with booze and bad food choices, Anderson adapted a “healthy diet,” created by Dr. Douglas Graham, of 80% fruits and vegetables, 10% protein, and 10% fat. She received criticism from many on the internet who said she did not eat enough fat and protein during her first pregnancy. Thankfully, her growing baby sucked all the minerals and fats it needed from her brain and bones, and little Rowdy came out happy and healthy.

Anthony, who said at first she would raise her baby as vegan, and respect the choices he made later in life, has now reportedly gone back on her word. She announced on her Twitter page that she is planning on having another baby to replace ‘the bad apple,’ who is now three years old.

“Rowdy begs and cries for Happy Meals, T-bone steaks, and bison burgers. I am not raising my child on meat!” said Anthony. “It was bad enough he insisted on so much breast milk as a baby. Breast milk is dairy! Dairy is fat! We made him so many delicious smoothies, and all he wanted was milk. Now that he’s older, he wants cheeseburgers! I won’t have it. I’m disowning him, and starting over. I plan to create a baby race of healthy dieters.”

Many followers of Anthony claim that she is probably only doing this for the publicity, as her Instagram and Twitter shots have been sluggish and boring, and getting less likes and shares lately.

“She’s losing steam, I tell you, and the diet clearly isn’t working as well, if you know what I mean,” said Instagram user FollowMeForLikes. “She’s just drumming up interest in her stupid diet again. If you ask me, that 10% fat is going straight to her ass.”

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Faux Report

Baby Born With Face On Torso and No Head Might Be ‘Creepiest Ever,’ Says Doctor

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PHOENIX, Arizona –

A baby born earlier this week has an extremely rare disease that has caused it to not have a head, but have its face on its torso, is being described by doctors as the ‘creepiest thing’ that they have ever seen.

“Holy shit, I’m not kidding when I said it’s disturbing,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who delivered the baby. “I almost vomited all over the place. Not from disgust, really, just from the shocking nature of it. It’s insane. I don’t even want to look at it.”

The child, whose mother has asked not to be named, is one of only 3 or 4 known cases of what doctors call Ichabod Crane Syndrome, named after the famous story of the Headless Horseman.

“It’s extremely rare, and thank God for that,” said Dr. Brown. “I can’t believe I delivered that baby. It’s a miracle, sure, and it’s definitely a child of God, they all are – but holy fuck you guys, did you see it?”

Mommy and  baby, who has been named Brayden, are reportedly doing fine.

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Faux Report

Baby Sumo Wrestling Latest Fad In Japan

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TOKYO, Japan – 

Sumo wrestling has been one of Japan’s most revered sports for centuries, with little changing in the events over time. Earlier this year, though, a new league within Japan’s Sumo Wrestling Alliance was founded, with babies as the main attraction.

“We decided to begin having younger and younger babies fight in the sumo ring, because it is amusing to us, and that is why we do the things we do,” said Japanese Sumo wrestler Takeshi Taiken. “It is a strong Japanese custom to make everything seem hilarious and cute to Americans, and that is what Baby Sumo Wrestling is all about.”

While most babies eat roughly 400-800 calories a day in baby food, depending on their age, Sumo babies are force fed upwards of 20,000 calories a day, making sure that they grow to be not only hilariously fat, but also able to take on one another in the Sumo ring.

“Babies of all sizes are welcome to Sumo, but you should know, that the bigger the baby, the harder the small baby fall,” said Taiken. “It’s all about size and strength. Fatter babies are stronger and tougher. I feed my baby steaks every day, all day, so he grows big and strong. I mean, he can barely walk, but in Sumo, walking is the least of your concerns.”

In the United States, Baby Sumo Wrestling has been trending on social media, with many people sharing videos and clips of the adorable wrestling events.

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