Faux Report

After Several States Legalize Marijuana During Elections, Walmart Announces Plans To Sell Pot Seeds, Seedlings

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Although many people consider Walmart to be the epitome of an “evil corporation,” no one can say that they’re not completely in touch with what people want. The company announced today that in several states, including Colorado, Maine, and Washington D.C., the company would begin selling marijuana seeds and seedling plants to consumers who are over 21.

“Most of these states have the same or similar laws when it comes to owning marijuana plants,” said company spokesperson Rebecca Brent. “As an adult over 21, you can have several plants, and you can grow even more. We already sell alcohol, and our employees are trained to ask for ID for anyone under 40 for controlled substances. Heck, we even card for R-rated movies like some company out of the dark ages. So selling marijuana will not add any sort of hinderance on our employees, and will be a great way to tap into a new market of potential customers.”

Surprisingly, there are very few protests about the company dipping into the weed trade, even from government officials.

“If Walmart is adhering to the laws, gaining proper licensure, then there’s no reason I can see for any fuss to be made,” said Charlie Connors, a representative for the Governor’s office in Maine. “We are allowing small businesses to sell, and we are allowing adults to purchase. I do not see why there is any issue with Walmart, the largest retailer in the world, from selling either.”

Brent says that if the seed and seedling sales go well, it’s possible that Walmart will branch into smaller locations that will only sell marijuana and paraphernalia.

“We were thinking of calling those smaller stores Wal-Greens, but as it turns out, that’s pretty much taken,” said Brent. “We are really excited about moving forward with such a great product launch, though.”

Brent says that they will add new aisles into Walmart locations that will be selling. The marijuana products will be located, naturally, next to the potato chip and soda aisle.

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Faux Report

New Strain Of Weed In Colorado Has Teens ‘Turning Gay’, Doctors Baffled

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As Reported By ABCNews.com.co:

“We’ve never seen anything like this before,” said Dr. Hans Vermhat of the Barrow Neurological Institute. “The drug addicts in Colorado are injecting a new strain of marijuana that changes the chemical makeup in the brain’s receptors which control the users like or dislike of the opposite sex; ultimately turning them into a flaming homosexual.”

Michele Leonhart, DEA chief of operations in Denver, told ABC news that marijuana related problems in Colorado have quadrupled since…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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Faux Report

Colorado Pot Smokers Beware! State Issues MASSIVE Recall After 6 Deaths From Tainted Drug

DENVER, Colorado – 

The Colorado State Control Board has issues a massive recall for 3 different types of marijuana sold throughout the state at the Ready Green dispensaries, after 6 people died from “tainted” drugs.

According to the state health commission, the marijuana was grown and brought in from outside of the country, and has been found to have a dangerous pesticide that has caused more than 30 people to be hospitalized and 6 people to die after smoking it.

“It’s a nightmare, really, because the legal side of things has made it very easy to obtain weed, and Ready Green is the biggest dispensary in the state,” said Health Commission Chairman Mario Rodriguez. “We are working hard to remove this particular group of bud from all stores, but we’re not sure how much of it is out there.”

The health commission is asking people who currently purchase their weed at local stores to go back to doing it “the old fashioned way.”

“Please, if you need weed, buy it from a non-reputable dealer like everyone else in the country,” said Rodriguez. “It could save your life.”

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Faux Report

Colorado Pot Smokers Beware! State Issues MASSIVE Recall After 6 Deaths From Tainted Drug

DENVER, Colorado – 

The Colorado State Control Board has issues a massive recall for 3 different types of marijuana sold throughout the state at the Ready Green dispensaries, after 6 people died from “tainted” drugs.

According to the state health commission, the marijuana was grown and brought in from outside of the country, and has been found to have a dangerous pesticide that has caused more than 30 people to be hospitalized and 6 people to die after smoking it.

“It’s a nightmare, really, because the legal side of things has made it very easy to obtain weed, and Ready Green is the biggest dispensary in the state,” said Health Commission Chairman Mario Rodriguez. “We are working hard to remove this particular group of bud from all stores, but we’re not sure how much of it is out there.”

The health commission is asking people who currently purchase their weed at local stores to go back to doing it “the old fashioned way.”

“Please, if you need weed, buy it from a non-reputable dealer like everyone else in the country,” said Rodriguez. “It could save your life.”

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Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, April 18, 2016

Drama and theatrics! Trump and friends complain about the Colorado results long after those results were foretold—August. Generally, Americans have only responded to problems after the fact, never when those problems clearly loomed on the horizon. Trump at Colorado was no exception. Either Trump is incompetent or only complaining after the inevitable results was a brilliant staging of theatrics.

Cruz’s theatrics took their own form this week. In a display that many still can’t digest, once dinner was served, Cruz gave a boilerplate speech for any occasion, after Trump and Kasich gave NY-specific speeches before dinner. His mic kept working at the event, but the live video switched to a house mic, making him difficult to hear. Later, more sound cut out. Yet, not even Cruz’s own campaign chairman pointed out what happened. “Some mic problems” was his dismissive concession when he should have objected. All the brilliant experts had the same false analysis—rather than reporting that the dinner plans and microphone disrupted Cruz, the as-if-choreographed coordinated-like response of the media is that Cruz was wilfully ignored by the dinner audience.

Again, Americans don’t complain at foresight, only in hindsight. Trump and Colorado’s rules, Cruz and dinner being served—everyone acts as if the obvious results were a total surprise. If truly surprised, these news pundits and personalities should resign to make room for better men than they. Conspiracy theories fly, but there is always more going on.

Consider the other conspiracy theory favorites: a staged 9/11 attack, the false Obama birth certificate… While reports of controlled demolition-style explosions and reported evidence of Thermite at Ground Zero seem convincing, the alleged pre-reporting of the second impact by Sky News and the trail of JPEG artifacts behind a plane in the video make it look more like the conspiracy was that a conspiracy be perceived. If Obama’s PDF birth certificate is valid evidence, then the IRS won’t need paper prints for tax audits anymore—unlikely as much as suspicious. But, the presence of PDF layers makes it seem as if someone at the White House wanted it to look like a fake. Once a conspiracy theory includes such obvious blunders, it is no longer valid. Either the alleged conspirators are totally incompetent—and therefore need not be so feared as theorists propose—or there was no conspiracy, only the appearance of one to serve as a rouse.

So, with Cruz and with Trump, such obvious games beg the question: What is everyone up to? Why did Cruz prepare a bland speech for an event where he wouldn’t be heard, where he was reported as being ignored as if he could be heard? Why did Trump act as if what everyone knew from August would happen in Colorado wouldn’t happen?

Consider Paul Ryan: Cruz worked to oust John Boehner. Former VP nominee Paul Ryan “didn’t want” to be Speaker, but is anyway. Now, Boehner recommends Ryan, who “doesn’t want” to be President… and the only reason people are talking about it is because Cruz won’t quit when he’s losing.

The only sure conclusion thus far is: Trump is a master at winning by losing while Cruz continues to be a master at winning by losing while pretending to try to win. That qualifies Trump amongst the most brilliant Commanders in Chief, right up there with wartime presidents W and FDR, who also roused the nation to war after their respective foreseeable attacks. As for Cruz, he is perfect to stay in the Senate. It seems that’s what he wants, whether as Ryan’s VP or as a Senator who continues to help Ryan by losing more battles during a Trump administration.

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Faux Report

Colorado Couple ‘Clambakes’ Baby To Treat Colic

highbaby

DENVER, Colorado –

Two month old Aurora Dorsey has been removed from her mother’s care after Amy Dorsey told Aurora’s pediatrician she had been using marijuana to treat her baby’s colic. Although marijuana use is legal in the state, children are not allowed to use it recreationally and must have a prescription for medicinal use.

Amy told the infant’s doctor they would “clambake the bathroom” while the baby was inside, or gently blow smoke into Aurora’s face, which seemed to alleviate her colic discomfort and help her sleep through the night. Dorsey says, “I can’t believe they took her away over a little pot smoke. Besides marijuana has been proven to cure cancer. I saw all those St. Jude commercials and thought, ‘well at least this won’t happen to my baby.’”

Children inhaling secondhand smoke, whether from cigarettes or marijuana, are more susceptible to respiratory infections and more likely to get asthma. Since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, child welfare agencies have been finding it harder to stop children from using marijuana. Social worker Denise Haze says that while she has seen her fair share of 3-18 year olds smoking marijuana, this is usually without parental consent.

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