Tag Archives: marijuana

Faux Report

President Trump Set To Legalize Marijuana on a Federal Level

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump announced earlier this morning via Twitter that he would be legalizing marijuana on a federal level, which would automatically lift restrictions in every state, even those that have yet to set up legalization and retail options.

“At this point, there’s really no reason to continue classifying it as a Schedule 1 drug,” tweeted President Trump. “Everyone smokes it, or eats it in delicious little pastries and candies. Frankly, edibles are the only reason I can sleep at night myself. It’s been a long battle with wasted trillions of dollars, and I want it to stop.”

The President went on to say that the influx of tax revenue at the state and federal levels would be astronomical.

“Colorado can buy whatever they want, because it’s huge out there,” said Trump. “They can pay for education, healthcare, new roads, whatever. They can do that because of weed taxes. This is going to make the American people rich. Now we will be able to start building that wall!”

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Faux Report

Jeff Sessions Arrested After Routine Traffic Stop Turns Up 20 Pounds of Marijuana In His Car

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was arrested today after police in Washington, D.C. pulled him over for a broken tail light, and found over 20 pounds of marijuana in the car.

Police say that during the stop, the officer smelled a “strong odor” of marijuana coming from inside the vehicle, and asked to search through the car. When Sessions refused, a K9 unit was called to the scene.

“Despite marijuana being legal in D.C., it is still not legal to use it while driving, or driving while impaired,” said Officer Thomas Townsend, who was the arresting officer at the scene. “After we determined that Mr. Sessions was actually using, we decided to search the vehicle. It was at that point that we found the bricks in his trunk.”

Sessions was arrested and brought to a local D.C. police department for processing, but was immediately released at order of President Trump.

“Despite the interference by the current Presidential administration, we will still be moving forward with the charges against Mr. Sessions,” said Officer Townsend.

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Faux Report

Couple Arrested After Police Discover Over 20 Thousands Pounds of Marijuana in Home

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CONCORD, New Hampshire –

A New Hampshire couple has been arrested after an anonymous tip lead police to find nearly 20,000 pounds of marijuana in the home.

Carl and Debbie Rutherberg, both 40, said that they had “no intention” of selling the weed, or transporting it, they say the simply buy a lot, and don’t use it very often.

“It’s for our glaucoma, and for our aches and pains,” said Carl Rutherberg. “We don’t sell it, we never have. We’re good, honest people, and this is a huge mistake.”

Ironically, the couple live in New Hampshire, sandwiched between other states, such as Massachusetts and Maine, where marijuana has been legalized – albeit not in this amount.

“If we had a couple plants, and lived an hour south, this would have been totally legal,” said Debbie. “Instead, we get a few hundred tons and are stuck in New Hampshire, and we’re in jail? Live Free or Die my ass.”

The couple face felony drug charges that would send them away for life.

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Faux Report

REPORT: Over 4,000 People Nationwide Overdosed On Marijuana on 4/20 ‘Holiday’

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Yesterday was April 20th, otherwise known as 4/20 – a favorite “holiday” among weed smokers, as 420 is the police code for marijuana. This year was, according to the Department of Drug Enforcement and Regulation, the last for almost nearly 2,000 people, though.

“Across the United States, we had a reported 1,985 deaths from over-consumption of marijuana yesterday,” said DDER spokesman Carl Lewis. “In total, there are reports of just under 4,000 overdoses. Thankfully, not all of those ODs resulted in death, but in this case, with almost half of them dying, it’s clear why this drug is so heavily regulated.”

Lewis said he has been working with the DDER since 1978, and this year is the “worst [he] has ever seen.”

“Last year, in comparison, we had only 698 OD throughout the country, with 322 of those resulting in death,” said Lewis. “With the legalization of marijuana in several new states at the beginning of 2017, we knew those numbers were going to increase, just not this dramatically.”

Lewis warns that if you’re going to break federal law and partake in marijuana, you should do so in “extremely limited moderation,” as marijuana strains have been “extremely potent” lately in most of the country.

“Your best bet is to not smoke, eat, chew, drink, or even look at marijuana,” said Lewis. “If you do find yourself in possession of the drug, or know someone else who is, please call your local police department and turn it over to them.”

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Faux Report

Girls Scouts Approved To Begin Selling Marijuana Cookies In Multiple States

DENVER, Colorado – 

The Girls Scouts of America have officially been given the ‘green light’ to begin selling marijuana edible cookies in states where the drug has been legalized. Starting in April of 2017, Girl Scout troupes in Maine, Colorado, Massachusetts, and Washington D.C., among others, will be able to sell edibles.

“Our cookies have long been a favorite of stoners nationwide,” said Girl Scouts of America president Jane Marshall. “With the legalization of recreational marijuana in several states, we decided it was time to really open ourselves up to the marijuana community. That is why we created two new products to be sold in legalized states.”

Marshall says that they will be creating Samosas and Thin Mints, their top-selling cookies, that are infused with the marijuana plant.

“These cookies will be made available only to adults, aged 21 or older, and they will only be available for purchase through the parents of a Girl Scout troupe. The children themselves will not be able to sell or consume these cookies,” said Marshall. “We are very happy with how these cookies have come out, and we think they will be a huge boost to the fundraising these girls do every year.”

Yearly sales of Girl Scout Cookies total approximately $700 million. This year, the plan is to surpass the $1 billion mark.

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Faux Report

After Several States Legalize Marijuana During Elections, Walmart Announces Plans To Sell Pot Seeds, Seedlings

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Although many people consider Walmart to be the epitome of an “evil corporation,” no one can say that they’re not completely in touch with what people want. The company announced today that in several states, including Colorado, Maine, and Washington D.C., the company would begin selling marijuana seeds and seedling plants to consumers who are over 21.

“Most of these states have the same or similar laws when it comes to owning marijuana plants,” said company spokesperson Rebecca Brent. “As an adult over 21, you can have several plants, and you can grow even more. We already sell alcohol, and our employees are trained to ask for ID for anyone under 40 for controlled substances. Heck, we even card for R-rated movies like some company out of the dark ages. So selling marijuana will not add any sort of hinderance on our employees, and will be a great way to tap into a new market of potential customers.”

Surprisingly, there are very few protests about the company dipping into the weed trade, even from government officials.

“If Walmart is adhering to the laws, gaining proper licensure, then there’s no reason I can see for any fuss to be made,” said Charlie Connors, a representative for the Governor’s office in Maine. “We are allowing small businesses to sell, and we are allowing adults to purchase. I do not see why there is any issue with Walmart, the largest retailer in the world, from selling either.”

Brent says that if the seed and seedling sales go well, it’s possible that Walmart will branch into smaller locations that will only sell marijuana and paraphernalia.

“We were thinking of calling those smaller stores Wal-Greens, but as it turns out, that’s pretty much taken,” said Brent. “We are really excited about moving forward with such a great product launch, though.”

Brent says that they will add new aisles into Walmart locations that will be selling. The marijuana products will be located, naturally, next to the potato chip and soda aisle.

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Faux Report

Newport Plans To Introduce New Marijuana Cigarettes For Sale In States Where Weed Is Legal

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As Reported By Empire Herald:

Newport Cigarettes, one of the world’s most popular cigarette brands, announced today that they will join the marijuana legalization trend and start producing marijuana cigarettes. Marketed under the brand ‘Newport Nirvana’, the cigarettes will be made available for sale through marijuana-licensed outlets in the state of Colorado, and the state of Washington.

Reynolds American Inc. Chief Marketing Executive Lawrence Harrison, said in an interview that the company has been ecstatic on the idea of marketing cannabis, and has been monitoring the market for some time. It was only when the recent legalization initiatives…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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Boston Cop Shoots, Kills Black Man For Smoking A Joint

policeBOSTON, Massachusetts – 

On the heels of recent scandals involving police brutality among the African American community, Malik Edwards, a 36-year old African American man living in the Boston area was shot by police officers following a dispute regarding a marijuana cigarette.

According to witnesses, Edwards was seen sitting on the porch of his girlfriend’s home located in Evanston, Massachusetts, a municipality about 10-miles outside of Boston when the incident occurred. Edwards was accompanied by 2 additional African American males and his 32-year old girlfriend Nia Brown.

According to witness statements, including that of Brown’s, around 9:20 PM, 2 Evanston Police officers approached the individuals visiting on the porch and asked them what they were doing. According to Brown, Edwards, who had been smoking a marijuana cigarette, often referred to as a joint, spoke for the group and told the police officers that they were just visiting and unwinding after a long day of work.

The police officers asked Edwards what was in his hand (referring to the marijuana cigarette), and Edwards replied, “Oh this is just a little something that helps me to unwind after a long day”. The police officers demanded Edwards put out the marijuana cigarette, to which according to witnesses, Edwards was slow to comply.

 

(read more at The Boston Tribune)

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Faux Report

Johnson & Johnson Announce New Tylenol With THC To Hit Market In Select Cities

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BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Johnson & Johnson, the makers behind Tylenol pain reliever, announced today their intentions to begin selling their name-brand product with a THC additive. The company says that along with helping in pain relief, the THC also creates a “mild euphoric effect,” which can help patients in chronic pain.

“We’ve been studying the effects of marijuana, and its active ingredient, THC, for many years,” said Johnson & Johnson spokesman Hal Williams. “When combined with acetaminophen, the active ingredient of Tylenol, THC will work wonders in helping patients in long-term, chronic pain, to get some relief.”

Williams says that the company will only be marketing the product in places where medical or recreational marijuana has been made legal, but that they hope that, within a few years, they will be able to sell it openly, over-the-counter, everywhere in the United States.

“America has made leaps and bounds in legalizing marijuana and THC, specifically, but we’re not all the way there yet,” said Williams. “Johnson & Johnson definitely supports the efforts of groups looking to legalize, and we openly support the idea that this plant can be used as a medicine to treat many diseases.”

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Faux Report

U.S. Starts Initiative To Send Weed, Alcohol To Iraq So Muslims ‘Chill Out’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Obama has started an initiative to send marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world, with hopes that they will ‘chill out,’ and be less likely to become ‘extremists,’ or cause any harm to anyone.

“Muslims, generally, are an irrational group of people,” said Obama. “I should know, I am one. So, what I’ve proposed to congress is a measure to begin sending large quantities of marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world. I strongly believe that this initiative will help them chill out, and become too relaxed to have any desire to attack the United States.”

Obama has said that although he is aware that Muslims are strongly against drugs and alcohol, he thinks that once they try it, they will change their mind.

“Anyone who says that marijuana and booze aren’t good times, clearly hasn’t tried either of them,” said Obama. “I did my fair share of both in my day, and I can honestly say, if you want to meet your God, whoever that may be, there’s no better way to do it than by getting extremely high.”

Several Muslim groups from within the United States have said that they are protesting the measure, and think that it’s just another way for Obama to make a name for himself before he is no longer in office.

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Cannabis-Infused Bacon To Hit Markets Soon

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DENVER, Colorado – 

TriKom Treats, a marijuana edibles company, will soon release what promises to be the most addictive meat ever – THC infused bacon.  Because of the processing, the bacon will actually be lower in fat and sodium than traditional bacon , but even more delicious. It will come in two flavors, hickory smoked wake and bake and mellow-morning maple.

Eric Nawfel, weed connoisseur, says marijuana users these days aren’t satisfied with just smoking anymore. “They want to get blazed at least three different ways before noon. I start my day with cannabis infused coffee, bacon, and a blunt. That’s the way you do it.”

Owners of TriKom Treats say 10% of the proceeds will go to funding cancer research. Brandon Lewis, who worked out the bacon recipe and is an owner of TriKom Treats, hopes this product will do a lot of good.

“What if a person’s doctor prescribed bacon to cancer patients. That would be rad, man,” said Lewis.

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Colorado Couple ‘Clambakes’ Baby To Treat Colic

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DENVER, Colorado –

Two month old Aurora Dorsey has been removed from her mother’s care after Amy Dorsey told Aurora’s pediatrician she had been using marijuana to treat her baby’s colic. Although marijuana use is legal in the state, children are not allowed to use it recreationally and must have a prescription for medicinal use.

Amy told the infant’s doctor they would “clambake the bathroom” while the baby was inside, or gently blow smoke into Aurora’s face, which seemed to alleviate her colic discomfort and help her sleep through the night. Dorsey says, “I can’t believe they took her away over a little pot smoke. Besides marijuana has been proven to cure cancer. I saw all those St. Jude commercials and thought, ‘well at least this won’t happen to my baby.’”

Children inhaling secondhand smoke, whether from cigarettes or marijuana, are more susceptible to respiratory infections and more likely to get asthma. Since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, child welfare agencies have been finding it harder to stop children from using marijuana. Social worker Denise Haze says that while she has seen her fair share of 3-18 year olds smoking marijuana, this is usually without parental consent.

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Faux Report

Parents Turn Basement Into Rehab Dungeon After Finding Dabs in Teenager’s Room

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DAMON, South Dakota – 

Nora Ladd at first did not know what she was looking at when she found dabs, or “shatter,” in her 17 year old’s room. She at first thought the amber-colored drug was crack, due to the “crack-pipe” type rig and torch found with it. Dabs is a concentrated form of marijuana with up to 90% THC.

Nora immediately went to the internet to find out just what her teenage son, Scott, was up to. Nora says she would have preferred that it had been crack since she read dabs were extremely dangerous. “I read you could blow up from smoking dabs because it’s made with butane. I flushed it down the toilet, fearing for my life because it could have combusted any second. Then I called Bert and we agreed something had to be done.”

Nora insisted Bert, her husband, convert his “man-cave” in the basement, because it was was the safest place for their son to be. She had him quickly transformed the space into a “Rehab” while their son was staying a friend’s for the weekend.

Authorities say that although Scott has been kept in the basement since before Christmas vacation started, the parents will be permitted to keep him there until his 18th birthday in May. Social workers have determined keeping him in the basement is the appropriate thing to do, given the severity of his addiction to marijuana. Natalie Parker of DHHS says, “The basement a clean, adequate facility. It has a private bathroom, mom’s home cooking- really all children should be so lucky.”

Some are calling these measures extreme and say “shatter” is neither explosive or harmful, but local users are either too high, or afraid of coming-out as smokers, to campaign for Scott’s freedom.

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Kosher Weed Coming to NY State; Yahweh Said to Be Pleased

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Orthodox Jews and hipster kosher foodies of New York are rejoicing after the arrival of Kosher marijuana to the city. The Orthodox Union certified the new strain, called Jew Curl, as the world’s first Kosher marijuana.

Matt Gacy, a Jewish stoner, says the pot was so good he could hear God speaking to him. Yahweh is reported to say, “I am very pleased. A fine medicine I have given my people, who followed Moses across the red sea. Of all of My laws people break, not keeping kosher particularly pissed me off.”

To check for kosher certification, look for the U symbol with a circle around it on the packaging of your marijuana. Sources say that even private, “illegal” dealers can have their marijuana blessed by  the Union to sell to their Jewish customers.

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