Tag Archives: Obama

Faux Report

Obama Makes Use Of Words ‘Negro,’ ‘Oriental’ Illegal

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has signed into law H.R. 4238, which modernizes terms in specified statutes related to minorities, and makes it illegal to use words such as “negro” or “oriental.”

What this means for businesses or charities that use the words, such as the long-standing United Negro College Fund, is that they have to immediately change their names to “approved” names, before they may continue to do business. For individuals, it means that they are no longer legally allowed to use the words in public, lest they be fined or arrested.

“It used to be that I could say whatever I wanted, goddamn Freedom of Speech guaranteed that,” said Republican voter Mario Simmons. “Obummer has been taking my rights away for 8 years, and now he’s talking about what I can and can’t say? That negro is half oriental his self! He’s slamming his own half-breed people by doing this.”

“Updating words to be more respectful of cultures and ideas is something that everyone should get behind,” said President Obama. “I am happy to be the president who has helped put an end to racism.”

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Faux Report

Zika Virus Reportedly Fake, Harmless; Frenzy Created By Obama Administration To Secure Funding

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The CDC, in conjunction with President Obama, have reportedly been caught in a scam, after admitting that humans are immune to the Zika Virus, which is carried by mosquitos. A whistleblowing aide from within the White House released documents proving that the CDC worked along with top White House staff to fool the public into thinking that Zika was dangerous and deadly.

“As it turns out, the virus is completely harmless to humans, and this was a tactic used to solicit government funds from other areas, that could then be used for personal and political gains,” read the documents. “Although it is possible that Obama himself may not have known about the scam, it is highly unlikely, and even more likely that he himself concocted the scheme along with his personal friend, Gary Lewis, head of the CDC.”

So far, no one from the White House is commenting on the issue, but calls from the public have been flooding the CDC offices, demanding information. The CDC has not issued a statement.

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Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, May 16, 2016

The Obama administration continues to advance its music. Most of it is song and dance, just a show to draw a reaction from the crowds. Much of it can be ignored or circumvented. Everything can be undone with the stroke of a pen via the next President’s executive order. Many are offended—many of whom think Obama’s policies have more weight than they actually do.

The situation raises many questions. Why does Obama push agendas that he does?

Almost everything Obama is doing through executive action can be outright ignored, even Obamacare. Other things could be disputed at State and local levels. Yet, few dissidents push for those options as they focus on trying to put Trump in office, mostly ignoring the Obama policies. Does Obama think that the lack of State and local action against his policies imply support? Does he think the people are too weak to stand up to him? Does he simply want to provoke his dissidents to get excited and angry, even though his policies are mostly bark with little bite? Or, is he like Plankton in SpongeBob SquarePants who doesn’t know how little he is?

At the same time, the people are getting excited about policies that really can’t be enforced. Are they late bloomers? Why didn’t they get angry when Hannity and O’Reilly tried to warn Americans about Obama’s ties to Rev. Wright? Maybe Obama’s noisy song and dance is just waking up drunk America from her slumber.

Issues are stacking up. TSA wait time seem longer than estimated at Airports. Of course, having one’s stuff together can make those times faster. TSA agents might accommodate passengers at risk of missing flights if asked nicely, with all liquids removed from baggage. But a mother with children running around who doesn’t know where her passport is may have some trouble gaining trust of the security agents. Who is to blame? Everyone needs to get their stuff together better. Those who do have fewer problems, TSA and passengers alike. Israel’s security methods have always been preferable  and effective, yet, for some reasons, Israel gets little consideration in general from Obama.

Facebook seems to be censoring Conservative stories. Russia complains about US defense in Europe. And many people are having to review their personal beliefs and worldviews, largely on account of needing a better set of arguments to either support or oppose Trump and Hillary.

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Faux Report

600,000 People Show Up In Support of Donald Trump In Los Angeles

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Donald Trump has scored the biggest and best turnout of any candidate in the history of the presidency, when over 600,000 people showed up in support of the Republican during a recent stop in Los Angeles, California.

Trump, who has long been leading the republican ticket and is more than likely going to receive his party’s nomination towards the general election, visited the state last week, at a rally that was only expected to have a turnout of around 18,000 people.

“Somewhere along the line, Trump supporters started coming together. We had people driving in from 3 or 4 states away, packing cars, and coming together. They just wanted to be here,” said Trump campaign manager Kyle Carson. “It brought tears to me eyes that so many people were here to listen to what Donald Trump had to say.”

The candidate says that he is not surprised, although is extremely overjoyed, that as many people showed as they did.

“My message is being heard loud and clear by the American people, and that message is that we want to make America great again,” said Trump. “They are slowly coming around, because they, too, want to be great. They miss the times when it was, and we are working to get it back.”

The previous record for a crowd of people gathering to hear a candidate was for President Obama in 2008, when he had 80,000 people show up for a speech in Chicago, Illinois.

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Faux Report

U.S. Government Says You Can Buy Alcohol, Cigarettes With Food Stamps Starting 2017

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Faced with lingering debts due to a still struggling economy, President Barack Obama issued an executive order today allowing the purchase of alcohol and cigarettes with food stamps.

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) offers nutrition assistance to eligible individuals who face financial or other hardships when trying to adequately feed themselves and their dependents.

The US Department of Agriculture, which oversees the program, has a strict policy on which items can and cannot be purchased with food stamps.  Alcohol and cigarettes are not categorized as “essential nutrition,” and were never allowed on the “Food Stamp Safety List” – until now.

“We’re faced with tough times. American families are still struggling, although the economy is slowly recovering,” said President Obama. “The boost in sales generated by alcohol and cigarette sales will help aid in the recovery efforts, and generate much-needed revenue.”

For years, the President has struggled with a much publicized nicotine addiction, and this executive decision is bound to raise the hackles of nutrition experts, not to mention closer to home, where the First Lady, Michelle Obama, has advocated healthy eating habits and exercise.  When asked if that may create tension within the White House, the President replied “I hope not.”

Other items disallowed on the food stamp list include vitamins, medicine, hot food or food eaten in a store, live animals, and cosmetics.

Major tobacco manufacturers and alcohol distributors have been slow to overly praise the decision, seen as controversial from both sides of the political aisle.  Members of the GOP have also remained strangely silent in their usual criticism of the President’s every action, owing to the fact that many members of Congress are on vacation and receive large subsidies from the alcohol and tobacco industries.

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Faux Report

Plan Launches To Add President Obama To Mount Rushmore

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to one of Obama’s supporters, Obama deserves to have a spot next to Washington and Lincoln on Mount Rushmore. You heard that right – According to Jim Messina, Obama is “no question … one of the all-time great presidents.”

Messian justifies his ridiculous position with claims that Obama “walked into the toughest economic situation in several generations. Made tough choices to fix it, took on an incredibly unpopular and difficult fight on healthcare, put all of his political chips on the line, passed it, continued to go on, and have a successful presidency.”

Messina has gained a mass of supporters, all of whom petitioned the government to add Obama to the famous mountain, and – of course – it was passed by the Obama administration.

“I would never have made this choice on my own, but if it is brought to me by others, I have no problem adding myself to the mountain,” said Obama. “I have had one of the toughest eight years in any presidency, and if others think I deserve the honor, who am I to argue?”

The cost of the addition will be somewhere in the nature of $20 million dollars, which will be paid for by taxes and donations.

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Faux Report

Stores To Begin Requiring Fingerprint Scans Along With EBT Cards To Avoid Fraud

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to new regulations that will soon take effect, most stores throughout the country will begin taking fingerprint scans of welfare recipients who are buying groceries. This change is being made in all 50 states in hopes that the government can push back against welfare fraud.

“There are many scams that welfare recipients currently utilize to turn their government dollars into actual cash, which they then use to buy alcohol, junk food, and drugs,” said White House representative Mark Raymond. “A new one we recently discovered is that people are buying bottled items in bulk, such as cases of water, and then dumping the water, and redeeming the bottles for the cash. Those people are idiots. Still, though, the most common is to simply pass their card off to someone else, and allow them to shop for groceries in exchange for cash.”

It’s this latter issue that the government is most concerned about, because they say that only certain poor people should be able to eat on their dime, and not all poor people.

“It comes down to drugs. That’s what these miscreants are buying with their traded cash, and we don’t need more drug addicts on welfare,” said Raymond. “These new regulations will require that fingerprint scans be run, and they must match the identity of the person whose name is on the card. This will hopefully stop the fraudulent activities occurring.”

“Man, this shit won’t stop me. I need my 40s, and I need a bump every now and then, and the way I get it each month is by selling my stamps, fifty-cent on the dollar, and then my buddy uses my card to get his groceries for his family. Shit, I ain’t even got a family. He needs it more than me,” said Freddy Carson of New York. “So this be more of a pain in my ass, but now I’m just gonna have my buddy give me a list, and I’ll go shopping for him, then give him the stuff, and he’ll give me the cash. More time out my day, so I’m gonna have to go up to seventy-five cent on the dollar, but his family gonna still get their food, and I’m still gonna be able to smoke crack. Take that, Obama!”

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Faux Report

Sallie Mae Forced To Forgive Student Debt To Over 100 Million Students

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Sallie Mae, the leading scam group of vile assholes to whom more than 250 million people owe their lives and money to, is being forced by the United States government to forgive the debt of nearly 100 million current and former students, thanks to new laws passed by President Obama.

According to the White House press release, Sallie Mae will be forced to wipe the slate clean for nearly 100 million students, as it was found that the company used lies and deceitful tactics in securing loan repayments from people.

“I was told that if I paid $50, that I could have an extra six months to start payments, because I was out of school, but hadn’t started work yet,” said Mark Downs, a former student at UCLA. “I paid the $50, and then a month later I get calls from collection agencies. Sallie Mae had turned me over to outside headhunters to get their money. When I told them that Sallie Mae had said I’d have six more months, the rep for the new company said, ‘yeah, they tell that to everyone.'”

Those kinds of practices lead president Obama to work with congress to secure laws that would not allow for-profit companies like Sallie Mae to deal directly with students, causing most debt to be wiped away.

“This company, and several others, have lied people to and falsified information, and they deserve to be punished,” said President Obama in the press release. “We have worked extremely hard to make it so that people who have been hurt financially and emotionally by this company do not have to pay money that, in other circumstances, they would have been able to pay.”

There is currently no word on when or how the program will be put into effect.

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Symphony

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Trump’s path to presidency (NY Times)

Obama’s Liberal judge (WA Times)

McConnell: No (The Hill)

…Some Senators willing to meet (Politico)

Where kids gonna’ get money? Burglar shot once, dies, family protests (B93, Grand Rapids)

Kids march again, almost 3,000, many Left activists, Soros support: Democracy Spring

Video: Morgan Freeman on the ‘Obama Center’ (Ora – Larry King)

Video: Robert Redford on Trump ‘Glad he’s in there’ (YouTube – Larry King)

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Faux Report

U.S. Starts Initiative To Send Weed, Alcohol To Iraq So Muslims ‘Chill Out’

muslim

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Obama has started an initiative to send marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world, with hopes that they will ‘chill out,’ and be less likely to become ‘extremists,’ or cause any harm to anyone.

“Muslims, generally, are an irrational group of people,” said Obama. “I should know, I am one. So, what I’ve proposed to congress is a measure to begin sending large quantities of marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world. I strongly believe that this initiative will help them chill out, and become too relaxed to have any desire to attack the United States.”

Obama has said that although he is aware that Muslims are strongly against drugs and alcohol, he thinks that once they try it, they will change their mind.

“Anyone who says that marijuana and booze aren’t good times, clearly hasn’t tried either of them,” said Obama. “I did my fair share of both in my day, and I can honestly say, if you want to meet your God, whoever that may be, there’s no better way to do it than by getting extremely high.”

Several Muslim groups from within the United States have said that they are protesting the measure, and think that it’s just another way for Obama to make a name for himself before he is no longer in office.

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Symphony

February 17, 2016

Scalia’s death impacts Obama’s goals (Yahoo-Reuters)

NY detectives pipe-in on Scalia’s death (NY Poast)

Scalia theories orbit (WA Post)

Cilinton GF—former Miss Arkansas, being stalked, fears life (Mail)

Trump invites protestor handler on stage—a vet! (Gateway Pundit)

Obama: Trump won’t be next president, video (ABC)

Reuters Poll

RCP Poll: South Carolina GOP

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Faux Report

April Fools Day To Become National Holiday Starting In 2016

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

If you were upset that your job only gives you the standard Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas off each year, you’re in luck. White House press secretary Joel Winter released word this morning that several other holidays that are celebrated each year will officially become national holidays, giving more people time off from their regular nine-to-five.

“We are officially recognizing several new holidays as government, or ‘National’ holidays, starting in 2016 and 2017,” said Winter in the statement. “Starting this year, April Fools Day, Grandparents Day, and Talk Like a Pirate Day will all officially be recognized in the United States as national holidays. These days will give employers more opportunities to give their employees a day off, and give workers extra days to relax and enjoy time with families.”

According to Winter, 2017 will see even more inclusions, including Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day.

“Valentine’s Day is one that we had hoped to see become a national holiday in 2016, but it was just coming up too fast,” said Winter. “It is a major holiday, though – for both couples and single people. Yes, even singles love Valentine’s Day, because it gives them an excuse to drink more. It was with that in mind that the holiday made the list; no one likes to be drunk at work.”

Winter says the final step in the holiday recognition changes would be to include birthdays, which they are hoping to have officially on the books by 2020.

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Faux Report

President Obama Arrested For Drunk Driving Returning From New Year’s Eve Party

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to police reports, President Barack Obama was arrested for drunk driving on his way back to the White House from a New Year’s Eve party in Baltimore.

The president, who normally is driven by secret service members, apparently become severely intoxicated at the home of a family friend, and snuck away from his bodyguards by climbing out of a bathroom window.

“The President jumped from a second story window after throwing up in the [unnamed friend’s] bathtub, and stole a car from their garage,” said police chief John Wiggin. “When he was pulled over, he had a blood-alcohol level of 2.0, and was driving 95mph down the wrong side of the road. He’s insanely lucky no one was hurt.”

The incident took place at approximately 7pm, and the President was reportedly sleeping it off in a Washington, D.C. jail cell. Police say it is highly likely the Obama will pardon himself of his crimes, as he has done several times during his presidency.

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