Faux Report

First Lady Michelle Obama Reveals Her Secret Black Metal Music Fetish

black metal

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

First lady Michelle Obama would be the last person you would think of when it comes to famous celebrities who listen to heavy metal or any sort of rock music, but as it turns out, the first lady is a huge fan of extremely vile, heavy, and extreme metal and grindcore bands.

“Oh my God, yes, I love it,” said Obama when she was questioned about a recent image of her showing off some of her CD collection. “I grew up on gospel songs and pop music, and when I marred Barack, he turned me on to some of the heavier stuff, and I was hooked. Then I started branching out on my own. I love this heavy stuff so much!”

According to Obama, she listens to death metal and grindcore while she works out.

“Nothing gets the blood pumping more than some Vulvectomy or some Anal Cunt,” said Obama, proudly displaying her Post Abortion Slut Fuck album. “When you want to relax, there are plenty of great bands. But when you want to really tear some shit up, there’s nothing quite like some heavy, dark, and pulsing metal.”

For Christmas, the first lady said she received new albums by Rotting Flesh Corpse, Dismembered Fetal Fucks, and Solid Core Enema.

“Barack knows me so well,” quipped The First Lady.

Standard
Faux Report

Obama To Lower Federal Minimum Wage In Light Of Recent State Increases

President Obama: Undocumented Immigrants Who Worked 'Off The Books' Can Still File Taxes, Get A Refund

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Over thirteen states have announced that they will be increasing their minimum wage level starting January 1st, and although that means more money for many people in their paychecks each week, the federal government has stepped in and announced a decrease in the federal minimum wage to balance out the state increases.

“For those of you who currently make minimum wage, which is $7.25 nationally, you will be kept where you are,” said President Obama during a press conference on Wednesday. “Starting January 1st, the federal minimum wage will be lowered to $6.80, which we hope will offset the increase levied by many state governments.”

In places such as California, the minimum wage is as high as $10, but in many states, particularly poorer or low-income states, the minimum wage has always followed the federal levels.

“This is insane, it truly is,” said Mark Jacobs, a fast food worker in Maine who has been out of work since June. “My hours were cut back to the point that I was laid off, but now if I go out to find a job, they don’t have to even pay me $7.25 anymore? At this rate I should just go move to Chicago. There they’re forcing employers to pay fast food workers $12 an hour, the same as their state workers! I’m not going to stay around here for six bucks, that’s for sure.”

President Obama said that this measure will be one of his final major acts as president, signing the new minimum wage levels into law on January 4th, when congress returns from holiday break.

Standard
Symphony

December 23, 2015

Franklin Graham quits GOP (Fox)

Guns, guns, and more guns for Christmas (Today News-NBC)

Obama golfs (Weekly Standard)

China citizen score (Tech in Asia)

China’s anti0terrorism law inspired by US law (Yahoo-AFP)

Chinese media: Activists ‘disrupting social order’ (Yahoo-AFP)

Putin name-drops “Hope no n*kes” (Independent)

Inside: Censor or die: The death of Mexican news in the age of drug cartels (WP)  · · · →

continue reading
Standard
Faux Report

Obama Breaks Tradition, Removes Menorah From White House During Hanukkah

obama christmas

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For over 200 years, a Menorah has been lit each night of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah in the White House, despite no president ever being Jewish. This year, though, President Obama has ordered that the Menorah be removed, and that none be brought in throughout the building’s many offices.

“This is a joyous time for families, and a time to remember the love and faith we all share by celebrating with gift giving and togetherness,” said Obama from inside the White House. “We have a Christmas tree in the White House, and that is enough. We are an all inclusive country, but let’s not forget, that this is also my home, and I celebrate Christmas.”

Many people have protested the president’s decision, although he says that there is no reason to change now.

“Hanukkah has already started, and we didn’t light any candles, so there’s no reason to get all up in arms over it,” said Obama. “Next year, you’ll have a new president at this time, and he can have the Hanukkah traditions or not, I really don’t care. Since it will probably be Trump, and he’s a full-blown racist, you probably won’t get anything in the White House.”

Standard
Symphony

December 2, 2015

Soros group banned from Russia over national security (RT)

Inside politics: Strike force, Obama, Dems, House, Pentagon, Syria, Russia, talk of nuclear threat (NR)

Record: 185K gun sales on Black Friday (USA Today)

SCOTUS to rule on Obamnesty earlier than usual: 2016 will see “United States v. Texas, 15-674” (Bloomberg)

FBI a joker in the Clinton deck (Hill)

Hillarymail: 2016 tabs at State Dept. (POLITICO)

Talk Smart: 11 Words and Phrases Successful People Refuse to Say (Inc)  · · · →

continue reading
Standard
Symphony

December 1, 2015

Climate number movie crashes Paris summit (Climate Depot)

Obama talks way past his limit while talking about carbon limits (NBC)

EPA calculator: Obama’s trip carbon emissions = 368,331 lbs coal; 797 barrels of oil; one year of 72 cars or 31 homes (DC)

Paris climate summit costs 300k tons carbon emissions (UK Mail)

China to launch carbon-nanny satellites (Yahoo-Reuters)

Photos: Beijing under smog (UK Mail)

Best lesson on the IMF: The Chinese yuan won’t become a global reserve currency any time soon (QZ)  · · · →

continue reading
Standard
Symphony

November 20, 2015

House Dems break rank w Obama: 289-137 to halt refugees (LI)

Syrian wives: Refugee men cowards, deserters (UK Mail)

Obama doesn’t read intel reports (RS)

EU diplomat: An entire government regards Obama mentally ill (WJ)

Trump heckler attempted bombing Marine recruiter (GP)

Ohio: Wrong lane-change, traffic stop, credit card fraud, 5 foreign Muslims in county jail (GP-FOX)

Now ISIL with chem weapons (WJ)

NOAA jumped the gun on ‘clie-mate’ reports (GWPF)

GMO salmon (Vox)

Dupside Own: Border wall? More Mexicans are leaving the U.S. than arriving. (WP)  · · · →

continue reading
Standard
Symphony

November 17, 2015

27 Governors reject Obama refugees, executive order (CNN)

US Congress to defund Obama refugees (FP)

France, Germany’s right wing demand immigrant halt (UK Mail)

Battle of professors: Carson knows more about Syria than Obama? (AP)

Obama uses the Nixon defence: “I’m too busy” (WA Times)

CIA: Spying is solution (FP)

West: Paris was Snowden’s fault! (POLITICO)

Feinstein disagrees with Obama (POLITICO)

Goals, Dreams & Priorities: Facebook will be ‘better than humans at vision, hearing, language, and general cognition’ in a DECADE, Mark Zuckerberg claims (UK Mail)  · · · →

continue reading
Standard
Symphony

November 11, 2015

8 in the next RNC debate (AP)

Rubio v Jeb, mud, ‘nasty’ (FOX Biz)

Reuters’ RNC poll (Reuters)

Appeals court: Obama claimed to ‘change the law’ (WA Times)

Obama appeals to SCOTUS (NY Times)

US to refit Iran nuke reactor into non-weapon (Free Beacon)

Finally: After more than 30 years, the US government may finally define “natural” food  · · · →

continue reading
Standard
Symphony

November 10, 2015

Israel remembers, Germany, 1938; viz modern Antisemitism (JP)

Obamnesty ‘could’ be heard by SCOTUS, possibly implemented summer 2016 (POLITICO)

2nd LA missile muscle flex: Did US Navy plan social reaction? (WP) (LA Times)

U. of Missouri prez resigns, slow response to racism, “stop yelling at each other and start listening…” (AP)

Music censored: China may have just made it harder for its citizens to ever get Spotify or Apple Music (QZ)

   · · · →

continue reading
Standard
Symphony

October 16, 2015

Jeb’s campaign is toast

HHS forecasts Obamacare a worse failure than forecasted

School board ousts Obamafood 5-3, not worth the losses, now +1,000 customers/day

Evita-Hillary campaign posters

DNC Establishment under attack by Obama favorites?

Chart: Eggs almost to 3-decade high

Throttle: The Autobahn doesn’t have speed limits. Germans think it’s time to change that  · · · →

continue reading
Standard
Symphony

Encore of Revival, America, October 12, 2015

The House could soon be in chaos. Ryan can’t get the necessary votes. Deadlock on a new Speaker hasn’t happened since 1923. Boehner plans to stay on longer than Oct 30 if the House can’t make a decision on Oct 29. While a House divided against itself may not stand with a President, it won’t stand against a President either. Obama is not the least bit afraid of executive authority. He’s already considering it with more gun restrictions. If Obama overreaches, the stronger powers at State and County levels will do more than then either the Republican or Democratic parties ever dreamed of—they’re already starting.

House Speakership Drama…

What If the House Can’t Elect a New Speaker?

McCarthy Drops Out Of Speaker Race, Throwing GOP Leadership Into Chaos

House Speaker frontrunner Kevin McCarthy bows out, leaving Republicans “audibly crying”

Under speaker pressure, signs pointing to a reluctant Paul Ryan

Paul Ryan ‘Terrifying,’ ‘Open Borders Seeps Out of Every Pore Of His Being’

More Republicans Join Speakership Race as Paul… Falls Apart on the Runway

The Rest…

Trump and a supporter from Colombia (Video)

Obama Weighs Expanding Background Checks through Executive Authority

US Officials Conclude Iran Deal Violates Federal Law

Bavaria to Berlin: Read Our Lips, No More Migrants  · · · →

continue reading
Standard