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Faux Report

Misprinted ‘Pinkbacks’ Have Made It Into Circulation, and Collectors Are Paying THOUSANDS For Them!

money

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A misprinted set of currency, being dubbed “pinkbacks” by collectors, in response to their tinted color, has made its way into everyday trade and banks, and collectors are picking them up for top dollar.

“I got a pink $100 bill when I cashed my check at the bank,” said Craig Fisher of Baltimore. “I thought it was kind of odd. At first I thought it was fake, but then I looked into it, and found out it was a very rare misprint. I ended up selling it to a collector for $15,000.”

The U.S. mint is trying, and seemingly failing, to get their hands on all of the misprinted bills. They are not saying how much currency is currently out there with the pink tint, but collectors are estimating that it is probably a small amount.

“Based on what I know about the influx of currency into the general marketplace, I’d venture to guess that there is maybe 1,000 of each of the pink $100s, $50s, and $20s, and probably only a couple hundred of the pink $10s,” said currency collector and expert, Mark Ditka. “I’ve only seen one $10 pinkback for sale so far, and I know it fetched well over $75,000.”

Ditka says that it’s “unlikely” that anyone will find one of these bills in the “real world,” as most of them have gone “underground” in the collector’s market, so that the U.S. treasury does not get their hands on them.

“But if you do find one, definitely give me a call,” said Ditka. “I’ll pay you a fortune for one.”

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Faux Report

Doctor Confirms That He Has Found a Cure For AIDS – But There’s a Slight Catch

doctor

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A researcher at the prestigious Harvard School of Medicine has found a cure for HIV and AIDS – something that doctors have been working on for nearly 40 years.

“It’s actually really simple,” said Dr. Marvin Hoek, who has been working on the project for over a decade. “The answer was right under our nose the whole time, and we have found a way to completely eradicate AIDS and HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in people.”

Dr. Hoek says that he began clinical trials in 2008, and stumbled across the cure in 2015.

“I have been working since that time to find a cure for what the AIDS cure causes, which is cancer.

According to Dr. Hoek, he says that in the over 10,000 cases of AIDS that he has eradicated, every single one of the patients ended up contracting cancer, and dying anyway.

“It’s really kind of a win-lose situation at this point in time, but we’re still working on the kinks right now,” said Dr. Hoek.

Hoek plans to publish the full scope of his work in the January 2018 Journal of Independent Medicine.

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Faux Report

Facebook Plans To ‘Go Dark’ – They Will Shut Down For 72 Hours In Honor of Fallen Police

ALTA VISTA, California – 

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says that the website, which is one of the most trafficked in the world, will be shutting down for 72 hours on August 15th in response to a slew of police murders in the last year.

“I’m very proud of our country’s police forces, and there are a lot of men and women being struck down in the line of duty by nasty, vicious criminals,” said Zuckerberg. “There is not a lot I can do as a citizen, but what I can do is use my power as the owner of one of the biggest websites of all time to make sure these people are remembered.”

Starting on August 15th at midnight eastern time, until midnight on August 18th, Facebook will be replaced by images of fallen police from throughout the country, along with names and service dates. What the site will not do, Zuckerberg said, is make any mention of the “asshole criminals” who killed the officers.

“These criminals, these nasty, disgusting pieces of shit, they get enough mention in newspapers and magazines, and the real heroes, the police, are not mentioned enough,” said Zuckerberg. “Facebook has always been about the color blue, and there’s a reason for that. There are no more important heroes in society today than police. And this is my way of showing that.”

 

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Faux Report

Charles Manson Reportedly Found Dead in Prison

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KINGS COUNTY, California – 

Famed cult leader Charles Manson, who is serving a life sentence for his role in the Manson Family murders in the 1960s, reportedly stumbled across a cell with 3 prisoners who were all deceased. Manson said he was doing his janitorial rounds when he found the dead bodies.

“Mr. Manson is a model prisoner who loves to work around the yard and cells, cleaning and mopping,” said warden Miles Richard. “On Friday, though, Mr. Manson reportedly found dead bodies in section A-4. The names of the deceased have not yet been released, pending an investigation and notice to family.”

“It was really kind of disturbing finding not just one, but several people dead like that,” said Manson. “I have never actually seen a dead body before. Even all those years ago, I wasn’t anywhere near the house when everyone was killed. It didn’t have anything to do with me. It’s really kind of gross, and rather unnerving to see.”

Manon, who is 82-years-old, is reportedly “doing just fine,” according to prison doctors, and may very well live to be “over 100 years old.”

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Faux Report

John McCain Says He ‘Accidentally’ Voted No On Healthcare Repeal: ‘My Brain Tumor Got The Best of Me!’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Senator John McCain shocked the entire country by voting NO on the Obamacare repeal on the Senate floor the other day, but even though he made a wave of new fans from the left, he is now saying he made a mistake, and that his brain tumor is to brain.

“I momentarily lost my senses, and literally couldn’t remember which way was up, and which was down,” said McCain, speaking from his home, where doctors have put him on bedrest. “I meant, of course, to vote TO repeal it, as was the plan. As I’ve mentioned before. There’s nothing that Republicans like doing more than screwing the entire country, and so naturally I should have given a thumbs-up. I swear I did. This brain tumor is really taking its toll.”

Unfortunately, the vote sticks as-is, unless a majority calls for a new vote sometime in the next 90 days.

“I think at that vote, I may abstain,” said McCain. “If I’m still alive, I really don’t want to mess this up again, and you never know how my vote might go.”

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Faux Report

President Trump ‘Pre-Pardons’ Himself For All Crimes He Plans To Commit While in Office

pardon

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a major move by a sitting president, Donald Trump has “pre-pardoned” himself before he commits any crimes while in office.

“There is a good chance, if I continue on the track I’m going, that there are going to be a lot of different crimes happening, and a few of them will be pretty serious,” said Trump in a statement to the press. “So I’ve taken measures to protect myself and my cabinet from prosecution should the crimes happen.”

A sitting president has, for the most part, the legal ability to pardon nearly any criminal they wish, but it is used very sparingly. This is the first time a president has ever pardoned themselves. The ACLU has a team of lawyers confirming the legality of Trump’s pardon.

“We really don’t think this is legal at all,” said ACLU president Carl Grover. “We are looking into it. It’s such a stupid thing, no one has ever done it before, we’re not even sure how well it can hold up. But knowing Trump, he’s probably changed or removed enough other laws to somehow make this legal. He’s clearly the king of the loophole.”

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Faux Report

POLICE: Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell Were MURDERED To Cover Up Massive Scandal

murdered

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Police have begun an investigation into the death of Linkin Park frontman Chester Bennington after is came to light that he may have been murdered to cover up a massive Hollywood scandal that included a major pedophilia ring that would have brought down MAJOR players in the entertainment industry.

“Murders are sometimes made to look like suicides. We think he was murdered, we just have to find out who was behind it,” said a police source. “We are investigating all angles at this time.”

The Los Angeles County Medical Examiner’s office confirmed the 41-year-old nu-metal icon was found dead, but refused to provide details, with the agency’s chief of operations, Brian Elias, remaining tight-lipped about whether media reports of suicide are accurate.

Bennington, who sang at Chris Cornell’s recent funeral after becoming close to the Soundgarden frontman in recent years, was reportedly working with Cornell’s foundation to prevent the sexual exploitation of vulnerable children.

The Linkin Park frontman, who was the father of six children, and was also the godfather to Chris Cornell’s son, was on record talking about the long-term emotional fallout of being sexually abused by an older male as a child.

“If I think back to when I was really young, to when I was being molested, to when all these horrible things were going on around me, I shudder,” he told the metal magazine Kerrang! in 2011.

Bennington and Cornell had been working together over the last few years to try and expose a massive pedophilia ring that has been tormenting children and teens in Hollwood for decades, with plans to release a dossier of names that they had collected from private sources, many of whom are apparently major A-list names.

It is obvious to many friends and fans of Bennington that he would never have committed suicide, and that any demons he had were dealt with years ago – he lived for his six children, and helping others. As more details of his death emerge, it is worth keeping an eye on who pushes hardest with the suicide angle and attempts to shut down anyone who raises questions – they may be involved in the cover-up.

 

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Michelle Obama Reveals SHOCKING Secret: ‘I Was Born a Man!’

michelle

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Michelle Obama has just revealed a shocking secret – one that the far-right has been hounding her about for years, but in fact, turns out to be true. Michelle Obama is transgender, and was actually born as a male.

“I was born Michael LaVaughn Robinson, and changed my name to Michelle when I was only 12-years-old,” said Obama. “I knew that it didn’t feel right. I wasn’t a boy. I never cared about doing boy things. I just wanted to be a princess, I wanted to ride ponies. When I was a teen, I realized I also liked boys. It was really a confusing, difficult time, but my parents were very supportive.”

Obama says she underwent surgery in her late 20s to begin converting to a woman, and the entire process was completed when she was in her early 30s, right before she met Barack.

“He has known from the beginning, of course,” said Obama. “I never shied away from my past, and there was no way I was going to get into a relationship with someone starting with a lie. So yes, he’s always been aware that I used to be a man.”

Michelle said that their children were not adopted, but they obviously used a surrogate, with Barack providing the sperm.

“They are biologically his children, for sure,” said Obama. “I am not going to disclose who the mother is, because it doesn’t matter. I am their mother. They know everything, and they don’t care. They see me as their mom, and always will, because that’s who I am – I’m mom.”

 

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Faux Report

Sean Spicer Celebrates Quitting Job By Throwing Massive Party – Over 30 People Arrested, $3 Million In Damages

spicer

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Sean Spicer celebrated being out from under Donald Trump’s stupid thumb by throwing a massive rager of a party at a rented home in Washington, D.C., where he invited nearly the entire city.

“Oh man, that job was way harder than I ever thought it might be,” said Spicer. “I mean, normally, the President doesn’t speak out of his ass, and just say the most goddamn stupid shit every second of every day. You know how hard it is to continue covering for that all the time – answering legit questions from the press about the President’s idiocy? I mean come on. Fucking Covfefe? Ugh.”

Spicer said he was so relieved to be able to quit and move on in his career that he wanted to throw a massive party. Everyone who worked, lived, or partied in Washington was there, and in the end, police had to break up the place.

“The party was at a D.C. mansion in the hills, rented, of course. The homeowner says there is more than $3 million in damages,” said D.C. police chief Mario Miller. “We made 36 arrests, mostly drunk and disorderly, drugs, and prostitution.”

Miller said that Spicer will not be charged in the raucous nature of the party.

“That guy has been through enough in the last 6 months working for Trump, I’m not going to add any shit on his plate right now. Let him relax,” said Miller.

 

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OJ Simpson’s Parole Was Just PULLED After Prison Guards Find This DISTURBING Item In His Cell

juice

LOVELOCK, Nevada – 

O.J. Simpson was granted parole this morning in a unanimous vote at Lovelock Prison in Nevada, but in an emergency session, Simpson’s parole was just pulled after police reportedly found a hit list in his cell.

The notebook, which was hidden under a loose piece of tile in Simpson’s cell, was reportedly titled “People I’d kill if I ever get out of Prison,” and listed people like Judge Glass, who sentenced Simpson to 33 years in prison for his role in the armed robbery that got him arrested.

Other names on the list included Joe Biden, Robin Williams, and Carl Sagan.

“Some of the names were slightly outdated, and had been scratched out, like Robin Williams,” said prison warden Gus Varney. “Still, we cannot take any chances that this list, which was very well detailed with how the crimes would be committed, is just fiction or fantasy.”

Simpson says that the “hit list” was nothing more than stories, much like his book that was published detailing the murder of Nicole Simpson, titled If I Did It. 

“I wrote that book, and it was just a joke. Like, you know, if I killed Nicole, you know, how it might have happened, but it was still just a story,” said Simpson. “This is the same thing. Man, when you’ve been in prison for nearly a decade, you have to do something to keep your mind occupied. Me, I write murder stories. Why would I ever want to kill Robin Williams for real? The man is a treasure.”

Simpson was depressed to find out that Robin Williams had already died after committing suicide a few years ago. Simpson’s next parole hearing will be in 2022.

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Faux Report

President Trump Was Caught Making DISTURBING Comments About Senator John McCain’s Illness

mccain

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump was caught in an off-mic moment after a speech yesterday being asked about Senator McCain, and how he was doing.

“I don’t know, I haven’t heard how he was doing,” said Trump. “All I know is that his brain tumor has been taken care of. You know, if I had a tumor, it would have been much larger. It would have been way harder to get rid of. I would have the best tumor you’ve ever seen. You know, some people get tumors and they get sick, but not me. I’d have a tumor that just made me stronger. It would be the biggest, and it would be the best.”

Sessions scheduled for this week in the Senate were postponed while Senator McCain recovered from his surgery. His doctors say that he is doing “extremely well.”

Senator McCain reportedly did not have any response to President Trump’s comments, but his wife was quoted as saying she “isn’t at all surprised” that the President would make such “stupid goddamn comments.”

 

 

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Hillary Clinton Undergoes Sex Change Operation So She Has a ‘Better Chance’ At Winning 2020 Election

hillary

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hillary Clinton has reportedly began taking hormone injections in preparation for a sex change operation she will have this fall. The change is being performed because Hillary believes that her chances are “exponentially better” of winning the 2020 election if she is a man.

“The reason I lost the election to Donald Trump is because I am not a man,” said Hillary to a rally of nearly 11 people in South Dakota. “If I had a penis, I would have stood a chance. Being a woman has done nothing for me in my career, and it’s time there is a big change made. A big, thick, veiny change.”

Hillary’s doctor, Dr. Marvin Richards, said that he has tried to talk Clinton out of the operation, but with no results.

“She really wants to go through with this. She’s a grown woman with a lot of money, so I won’t stop her,” said Dr. Richards. “She honestly believes that if she becomes a man – even though she’ll still be her when it comes to policies and government and opinions – will help her to become president. If she thinks so, more power to her. Frankly, I think she should just cut her losses now and retire to the beach, but hey – what do I know? I’m just a voter.”

Hillary has already begun the conversion via hormones and other drugs, and the surgery will take place in the fall. She plans to “fully expose” her/his new look come January.

 

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BREAKING: President Trump Secretly Bought Hundreds of Satire and Fake News Websites, Paid Owners MILLIONS To Help Him Get Elected

fake news

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In some shocking news released this morning, it has been revealed that President Trump secretly bought out over 300 different fake news websites, including The News Examiner, National Report, and The Onion in hopes of controlling writers and owners, and paying them to write stories that could “get him elected.”

“Major ‘real’ news sources are good and all, but sometimes you need a little help from the other sector,” said Paul Horner, a hoax purveyor and massive internet satirist who owns dozens of fake news websites. “I write fake news, and I write it because there are things in life that piss me off. I use my stories to make people look stupid, because most people are stupid. But when someone came to me with a big fat check, and said ‘help us get this Cheeto into office,’ I couldn’t possibly say no.”

Horner says that he was paid several hundred thousand in exchange for his fake news websites publishing content that was either “pro-Trump,” or “anti-Trump haters.” Other sites reportedly also received large, fat checks.

“In retrospect, I kind of hate myself for helping him get elected,” said Bob The Empire News Potato, Editor-in-Chief of Empire News. “I mean yeah, the money is great. I bought a huge mansion and a couple cars. I’ve got 2 kids in college, so it was nice to just pay all that off. Then my wife and I took a tour around Europe a couple times. We went to Mexico on a 2 month cruise. All of that has been amazing. But I’d give it all back if I had known just how lousy he was really going to be for this country.”

When reached for comment, President Trump said that “any stories of using fake news to get elected are fake news.”

 

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Ted Cruz Arrested In Massive Sex Ring Scandal – He’s Secretly Been PIMPING!

pimp

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Ted Cruz was arrested Thursday morning at his home in Washington after what police are calling a “massive” investigation that has spanned nearly a year.

According to reports, the FBI and local law enforcement have been investigating a huge sex ring in the D.C. area, and on Thursday they arrest nearly 200 people involved in the operation, from bookkeepers to prostitutes to their pimps.

One of the names of the arrested stands out more than others, as it appears Ted Cruz was arrested along with the rest of the lowlifes, allegedly for pimping girls for the last several years.

“Oh man, Daddy Cruz, Big Daddy Cruz he likes us to call ’em, ohh, he’s a good daddy to me and my girls,” said bottom bitch Diamond Glitter. “I been working for Mr. Daddy Cruz for about 10 monfs, and he just always been da best. He don’t hit me, nothing like that. I ax him for something, he usually give it. No other pimp treat me dis good before.”

According to Diamond, Cruz was bringing in an estimated $45,000 a month in his cut from the massive number of women he pimped, with a lot of politicians being clients.

“I aint’ allowed to talk about who my mouf been on, but it’s pretty damn near much all them politician guys in the White House,” said Diamond. “They pay a lot, tip big. Business been good as hell to me. This really damn sucks we all going to jail.”

Cruz was arrested and released on $100,000 bail. Neither he nor his lawyers could be reached for comment.

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