Tag Archives: Headlines

Faux Report

Banks To Offer ‘Free Money Day’ On March 30th

Gym Bags Filled With Cash Hidden In Chicago, Residents On City-Wide Scavenger Hunt

WALL STREET, New York –

After an extremely banner year in 2015, many major banks across the United States, including American Bank and TD Banknorth, are planning on offering a ‘free money day,’ where their customers can stop by any branch location and have an extra bit of cash deposited into their savings or checking account.

“Basically, most major banks had extremely an extremely good year last year. We make a lot of money off of people by imposing ridiculous, unnecessary fees, and we’d like to pay that back now,” said TD Bank CEO George Fulton. “I mean, $35 every day you’re overdrafted, it adds up, right? As an example, we took in over $250 million in bank fees last year. We love money, but we’re also happy to share that back with our great customers who paid it to us in the first place.”

Bank fees, which are a notorious pain in the ass for anyone who has ever had to deal with them, are the biggest gripe among customers of all banks nationwide. Fulton says that this is a way for banks to “save a little face,” and get customers to fall back in love with banks.

“Stop into your local branch of any bank, and you will be eligible for a deposit in your account from anywhere from $45 to $250,” said Fulton. “It’s as simple as that. No catch, no fees, no issues. Just ask, and you’ll receive the money.”

Fulton says that banks are choosing the amount to pay based on account history and fees paid in.

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Faux Report

Federal Government To Impose 3 Marriage Limit

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a landmark decision, congress has ruled that citizens of the United States would be entitled to a maximum of 3 marriages, citing the excessive divorce rate that has burdened the nation.

“Plenty of people have gotten married multiple times, and it’s silly and absurd,” said congressman Joel Mitchell (R – Georgia). “Marriage should be a one-time-only event. You get married, and you stay with that person forever. I will admit that sometimes, marriages don’t work. I’ll even let someone get in a second marriage. It was the members of congress that voted, and set the limit at 3.”

According to Mitchell, the new law would not in anyway affect those that have had more than 3 marriages and are currently single, they just would no longer be able to get married again. For those people who are in the 4th or higher marriage, the union would become automatically annulled.

“We want people who are in marriages that are rocky to work things out, not just call it quits,” said Mitchell. “We hope that, in time, people understand that marriage isn’t a game, and that you can’t just walk out when the game gets tough.”

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Faux Report

Red Cross Announces It Has ‘Too Much Blood,’ Asking For Volunteers To Take Some Back

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

The Red Cross, the company known for constantly being “in need” of blood, has announced for the first time ever that they actually have a surplus of red cells and plasma, and are looking for volunteers who may want to have a little extra blood added to their systems.

“For the first time in the history of our organization, we have too much blood,” said Red Cross spokesman Mary Lambert. “I’ve never seen anything like it. All those ‘in need’ campaigns worked, and people came out in droves. Couple that with less people needing transfusions, and we have too much blood. So much blood, in fact, that we’re giving it away!”

Lambert says that the Red Cross will be setting up stations in hospitals, American Legions, malls, and other areas that would normally be for blood donation, but will now be for giving back.

“If you’ve ever given blood before, you are welcome to come take some back for free,” said Lambert. “If it is your first time dealing with the Red Cross, then we ask for a small donation of $15, and we will supply you with up to one pint of fresh, warm plasma.”

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Faux Report

New Confidential Report Reveals 9/11 Was An Accident, Not Terrorist Attack

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

New leaked documents that were retrieved by Anonymous hackers state that 9/11 was neither an inside job by the government nor a terrorist attack, but merely a coincidence of epic proportions. The text explains that multiple malfunctions caused two planes to crash into the Twin Towers in New York on September 11th, 2001, but that neither were hijacked or crashed on purpose.

“After through investigation, we have concluded that the planes that hit the World Trade Center at One World Plaza were both malfunctioning, and mechanical error is to blame,” stated the report, classified on September 14th, 2001. “[Named Redacted] has chosen to [redacted information] with the investigation, and that [redacted information] is the plan for release to public.”

Currently, the redacted information that was not in the reports is speculated to be discussing George W. Bush, and his decision to use the events to go to war in Iraq.

“It makes perfect sense that the government would take a terrible tragedy like that, and use it as a means to go to war for oil,” said Washington pundit Joe Goldsmith. “I mean, that’s exactly what happened anyway. It wouldn’t have mattered if it was pilot error, mechanical issues, or actual terrorists – our government used the crashes as an excuse for war; a war we’re still fighting, unnecessarily, 15 years later.”

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Faux Report

Hillary Clinton Announces Her Plans To Drop From Presidential Race

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton has announced that she will be stepping down from the campaign trail, suspending her plans to become the next President of the United States. The announcement comes after a loss in the New Hampshire primaries earlier this week, to Democrat Bernie Sanders.

“New Hampshire has successfully chosen the president for the last several decades. If you win in New Hampshire, you’ve won the vote,” said Clinton. “I can’t compete with Bernie Sanders, anyway. He has secured the young vote. He has the blacks and the Latinos. He has everyone, and he even has most of the woman vote. He cannot be stopped. Even I’ve started to Feel The Bern.”

“I am glad that she has stepped down. It clears the way for a Sanders victory,” said New Hampshire resident Joe Goldsmith. “I voted for Bernie in the primaries, as did everyone else. Hillary is soulless, and would never have won. Have you looked at her eyes? They’re empty. There’s nothing behind them. It’s like that Stephen King movie The Dead Zone. She’s evil incarnate.”

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Woman Delivers Healthy Newborn Baby Anally After Internal Complications

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

A woman who went into labor on Sunday evening became the first in recorded history to deliver her baby anally instead of vaginally, after internal complications forced doctors to re-route her baby’s delivery path.

“Our patient, whose name is not being released at this time, suffered from serious infections and complications during her labor, and as such, we were not able to deliver her baby vaginally or through emergency caesarian procedures,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith of Atlanta Medical Center. “The patient was sedated, and we were able to successfully redirect her baby from her uterus through her bowels, and out her colon. It is the first, and as I’m aware, only time that this has been performed.”

Dr. Goldsmith says the entire procedure was recorded for future study and use by other medical professionals who may run into similar situations. At the time of this writing, both mother and baby were fine, although mother will be forced to wear adult diapers for the forseeable future.

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Hillary Clinton Plans To Make Bill Clinton Her Running Mate If She Wins In Primary

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Although he has already served a full two terms as president, nothing is stopping Hillary Clinton from making her husband, Bill Cinton, her vice-presidential running mate should she win during the primary elections; an act she says she is planning on doing.

“Bill has already been there, and he’s already seen what a presidential seat can do to a person, and there is no one better to join me at my side, and in my cabinet, than him,” said Hillary Clinton. “I am officially planning to recognize my husband, Bill, as my running mate if I am to take the primaries.”

Members of Congress say that there is no reason that Bill Clinton cannot serve as vice president, but there are issues were something to happen to Hillary if she were elected, such as a death, or a scandal or other measure that forces her to resign.

“If she were to be elected with Bill Clinton as her vice president, we are unsure, at this time, if he would be able to take over the roll of president as would normally be the case,” said congressional member Richard Doorer (R-Iowa). “As he has already fulfilled his duty as president, and completed two full terms, he is not eligible to run again, but that doesn’t necessarily negate that he could be president again in that sort of situation. We’ll take it as it comes, if it does indeed arise.”

According to an anonymous source inside the Clinton campaign, the entire race has just been one big ploy to get Bill Clinton back into the oval office, with Hillary planning on winning, and immediately stepping down, allowing for her husband to take over.

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Bernie Sanders Plans Sex Change Surgery To Garner Votes From Women

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Bernie Sanders, who has been leading the polls against Hillary Clinton, announced today that there was one segment of the vote that he was not able to grasp, and that was the women vote.

“I’ve got the African-Americans, the poor, the white, the tall, the skinny, the fat – I’ve got it all, baby,” said Sanders to a packed town hall in New Hampshire on Monday morning. “The one thing I haven’t been able to get is the woman vote. Clinton has that locked in because she was born with a vagina, and that’s one thing I couldn’t compete with. Until now.”

Sanders went on to say that he would be undergoing sex reassignment surgery to better understand what a woman goes through, and he hopes that this will also help to get more women to vote for him.

“I can promise a lot of things, but I can’t promise that I know what it’s like to pee sitting down, or to have breasts and nurse a child, and with this surgery, these changes, I will. And by the end of the year, when it’s time to cast your ballots for president, I will be able to fully encompass all people, even women.”

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Teen Cooks Child She Was Babysitting In Oven After Taking ‘Bad Acid’

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 17-year-old teen has been arrested and charged with drug abuse and murder after she allegedly cooked a child she was babysitting in an oven. The teen claims that she didn’t do it on purpose, and that she honestly mistook the child for a turkey while she was “high on some bad acid.”

“I’m going to be honest – I was tripping balls when it happened,” said the teen, Marissa Fleming. “My boyfriend Tim and I, we just got into doing psychedelics. I’ve been tripping on mushrooms lately, and wanted to try acid. I tell you, the trip was intense and awesome, but I never even realized what I was doing when I set the over to 350.”

Fleming had been babysitting the 11-month-old toddler on the weekends since November, and the baby’s parents – who wish to remain anonymous, said that they couldn’t believe that it happened.

“Marissa is such a nice girl, and she really did love our baby,” said the mother. “[name redacted] and I, we have been together since high school, and this was our first baby after 20 years of marriage. We are definitely chilled to the bone about what happened, and extremely depressed, but at the same time, we experimented when we were her age, too, and I for one know how crazy shit gets when you’re tripping balls.”

“We don’t blame Marissa for what happened, we blame the public schools for removing the D.A.R.E. program from most areas,” said the father of the deceased child. “Marissa might have known better not to babysit on acid if she had only been able to hear it directly from the mouth of Daren The Lion. Now she has to live with this guilt for the rest of her life, and we had to get a new oven to remove the stench from the house.”

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IRS Announces Massive Delays In Tax Refunds After Computer System Crash

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

As more and more people begin filing their taxes online, the IRS has reportedly gotten swamped by early-filers, causing system crashes and a work overload for employees at the bureau. According to IRS spokesman Joe Goldsmith, the issues and crashes are still being sorted, with over 20 million Americans being forced to wait for their refund checks.

“In the old days, people mailed in their returns, and they slowly trickled in, giving our employees and computer systems enough time to sort through and properly handle every W2 and return,” said Goldsmith. “With the advent of being able to file over the phone, and now online, people are getting us their tax information by the first and second week of the year, causing or systems to crash and employees to be working over 100 hours a week to get everything sorted. It’s a real and total cluster-eff.”

According to Goldsmith, the IRS has become so overwhelmed with return information already, that refunds owed will be months delayed.

“We like to be able, normally, to get people their refunds due within a few weeks, or sooner, thanks to direct deposit,” said Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, this year it appears we will end up having to manually sort through all returns manually, which will take us several months. Refunds can expect to be received starting in July or August of this year.”

Goldsmith said that he understands the frustrations that this will cause, but they want to make sure that everyone is receiving the correct refunds or paying in the proper amounts.

“I really wanted to go out and get a new big screen TV and a new snowmobile with my refund,” said Goldsmith. “I work here, and even I will be waiting several more months. That snowmobile will probably end up being a four-wheeler or a new motorcycle by the time I end up seeing the money.”

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Super Bowl 50 To Be Cancelled Over Possible Terrorist Attack

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SANTA CLARA, California –

The National Football League announced today that they would be canceling this year’s Super Bowl after credible terrorist threats were made. The NFL has been working closely with the FBI for the last several days after the threat was received, and it was at the urging of the government that the NFL cancel the biggest game of the year.

“We did not want to give up the game, because it’s the biggest and most important game of the year, and it brings in hundreds of millions of tax-free dollars for our organization,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “We cannot, in good conscience, allow a game to be played, though, where people got be violently injured or killed. And in this rare instance, I’m referring to the fans, not the players, as their serious injuries come over years of play.”

According to FBI information, a secret organization of New England Patriots fans said they would detonate bombs around Levi’s Stadium during the Super Bowl, killing thousands. A message placed on several anonymous social media websites say that the fans are outraged that their team lost in the AFC championship game, and they planned to take it out on any fans of the two teams that are playing in the Super Bowl.

“We do not currently have plans to reschedule. It is possible we will play the game at a later date with no audience, and then air a taped version of the game, but as of now, no final decision has been made,” said Goodell.

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Flint Residents Urged To Boil And Drink Their Own Urine During Michigan Water Crisis

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FLINT, Michigan – 

The small town of Flint, Michigan has had a serious problem with polluted drinking water for the last few years, but the problem has recent reached epic proportions after national news outlets picked up the story, making people aware of the lead-filled river water that residents have been drinking.

Diseases and sickness have caused multiple hospitalizations and even several deaths since the city’s government began telling people that the water was safe to drink, despite its brown and yellow color when straight from the tap. Because of the national media attention, the city officials have decided to recant their statements about the water’s safety, and instead suggests that residents boil and drink their own urine.

“It is much, much safer for you to urinate into jars, bottles, or jugs, boil it, and then drink that,” said Flint city council member Roger Lewis. “You can drink your own urine up to three times before it becomes poisonous, but that is still safer to drink than the river water we’ve been saying was safe for the last few years.”

Residents are currently being given water from other states by the US government, but they must show a valid Michigan license with a Flint address on it to qualify, as well as provide a social security number. Flint city council members say that the water crisis may not end for some time, and that they will continue to research methods for residents to obtain water, including saving saliva and sweat for possible use.

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Snake Bites Boy At Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom

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ORLANDO, Florida – 

A family from Alabama plans to sue Disney World after they said an escaped snake at Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom dropped from a tree and bit their young child. The family’s attorney, Matt Morgan, said Thursday that the boy’s grandmother saw the snake bite him, went into cardiac arrest from fright, and died soon after. They boy was treated with a band-aid and continued to enjoy the park after the incident.

While the family mourns her death, they say they will remember Grandma’s sacrifice as they spend the money they will receive from this lawsuit. “She would have said, ‘I’m old. I lived my life. Let God take me if it means my family can go on more memorable vacations.’ Next time we won’t be going anywhere with snakes though,” said one of the family members. The names are not being released at this time.

Disney says the snake was wild and not part of their attraction. Attorney Jeff Kendell plans to represent the snake, who did not intend to harm the boy. “The snake was nonvenomous, so it did not plan to hurt anyone. It was merely speaking out about the destruction of its wild habitat for a tourist destination in the only way it knew how.”

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Viral Teens Who Spelled Racial Slur With T-Shirts Forced Into Protective Custody

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DESERT VISTA, Arizona – 

Outrage has spread across the country, directed at the six Desert Vista high schoolers who spelled out a racial slur with letters on their t-shirts during a school photo day. Parents of the six say they fear for the lives of their daughters, and have decided it would be best to put them in protective custody.

While the girls received five days suspension from school, many feel they are being let off too easy and are threatening to take justice into their own hands. One anonymous internet troll has said, “Five days suspension. Nigga please. When I see them they gonna get beat down.”

Members of the community have also turned against the girls. “I don’t think they need extra protection after the disgrace they have brought upon Desert Vista. We are a fine community who knows racial slurs should only be used in certain company and do not belong on social media,” says Jean Wilder, a concerned citizen. “It is not acceptable to say anything bad about black people in public in this day and age – only Muslims, because most are members of ISIS.”

Superintendent Dr. Kenneth R. Baca, has said “They’re just dumb. They would have spelled any bad word they could. Just because it happened to be the N-word does not mean they’re bad kids. Their parents ask forgiveness of all the African-Americans that were offended, and beg them to please not be packing heat if they come into our neighborhoods. The girls have already changed their identities and left town.”

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