Tag Archives: Faux Report

Faux Report

Community Celebrates Drug Addict’s Death

vigil

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A candlelight vigil is planned for Friday to both mourn and celebrate the loss of 25-year-old Lawrence Brennan, who died of a heroin overdose last week.

Organizer John Higdon explains that while it is sad when an addict dies resulting from an addiction, it is also a relief. “It’s even worse when they continue to hurt others. Of course we want them to get better, but if there’s anything I have learned in my years as a drug counselor, most of the time there’s not much reason to hope they ever will.”

Lawrence’s Mother, Loretta Brennan, says, “I wish all addicts a peaceful passing. Of course I would never have wished for my son to die, but now that he has, it’s like a weight off all our shoulders. To me the person he was died five years ago when he got hooked on alcohol and heroin. The son I used to have would never pawn my jewelry or puke all over himself at our 4th of July barbeque. The sweet boy who played football and helped me do the dishes – that’s the boy I am grieving for now.”

Although the family supports the celebration theme of the vigil, other members of the community say the feel it is inappropriate.

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Faux Report

Couple Arrested For Having Sex On Front Lawn of House

sex

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Exhibitionist couple Antonio Ramirez and Juana Dias apparently could not wait to get inside to get it on. They were reported by the neighborhood watch and arrested for having sex on their front lawn, partially hidden by a snow bank.

Attorney for the couple, Christopher Wagner, says, “Because they were doing it ‘doggy style’ they actually face additional charges here in New Hampshire where it is illegal to have sex unless it is in the missionary position, and for procreation only.”

Wagner says he feels the arrest was racially motivated. Latinos are the largest growing population in New Hampshire, now accounting for 5% of the population, which is a 50% increase since 2000. According to Wagner, the influx of Hispanics in the state has been met with resistance and prejudice. “If it was a white couple, we feel Ramirez and Dias would have gotten off with a warning.”

When asked why they were making love in the freezing cold, Ramirez says it was a rush, and at the time they thought no one could see them, although he did admit that “part of the thrill” was that they might.

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Faux Report

New Mother Nurses Abandoned Kittens With Her Own Breast Milk

nursingcat

TORONTO, Ontario, Canada – 

Sharon Carswell says she recently became a surrogate mom to three abandoned kittens. “Mommy just left them there like trash in a cardboard box. So I rescued them. Kitten formula is more expensive than baby formula, and I figured breast is always best, so I tried it, and they seem to like it.”

As her nipples were too large, the kittens were unable to nurse from her breast directly, so according to Carswell, she fed them her breast milk with an eye-dropper. Because her new baby, Killian, and the kitties were nurse mates, she says they now share a unique bond.

“There’s a real bond between my baby and the cats. Seeing them playing with balls of yarn or gumming on sardines together is the most precious thing,” Carswell says, although she does admit that reactions have been mixed. “Some people are grossed out and shocked, others are in awe and proud. I am saving kittens with my breastmilk, and it’s amazing.”

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Faux Report

Woman Knits Life-Sized Doll Of Son; Ex-Husband Says It’s ‘Too Creepy’, Sues For Custody

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LOUSIVILLE, Kentucky –

Marieke Voorsluijs says she knitted a life-size version of her son because he is too old to cuddle with her. “I still need to smoother something with my overwhelming maternal love,” she admits, but according to her ex-husband that is not all she is doing with the doll. He is currently suing for custody of their 13 year old son. “He’s got it in his mind that I’m filthy and do dirty things with the doll. I knit it because I love him, but not because I love him. That’s just nasty.”

“My son told me they were visualizing his puberty gap or something like that. Whatever is going on, it sounds dirty. She takes the doll to bed with her. I know that much,” said Joe Goldsmith, Voorsluijs’ ex-husband. “I have no idea what has gotten into her head in the few years since we’ve been divorced. She used to be normal; I only divorced her because she was a bitch, not because she was creepy.”

Since news of Voorsluijs’ doll broke locally, many parents throughout the country have apparently contacted her in hopes of having a doll made of their own children.

“Lots of people love my crocheted child, and I know I do, too,” said Voorsluijs. “I am so glad that this is happening to me right now. People everywhere are asking about buying a doll of their child. Some are offering to pay thousands! This could be a huge business. Joe is just jealous I never made a doll of him, that’s all.”

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Faux Report

Landlord Investigated For Allowing Tenant To Pay Rent In Sexual Favors

landlord

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Landlord Fred Wheeler finds himself under investigation for solicitation after bringing a former tenant to court. Re’Auna Perce claims Wheeler suggested she pay her back rent in another way. She says this is how she “paid” her rent for a few months, but later when she refused to give him oral sex “as a freebie,” he became angry and started exhibiting obsessive behavior.

“He was stalking me. He’d come in to Doc Hollandaise, [the restaurant] where I work, and ask to sit in my section. He’d take one of my tables for hours, so I couldn’t make no money from it…Knocked on my doors all hours of the day and night. Came into my apartment when I wasn’t home. My ten year old caught him going through my panty drawer. Then I said enough is enough.”

Perce says when she told him she was moving, he pleaded with her to stay, offering her a car and another month she could pay for with “one hour of work.” It was not until after Perce had moved that Wheeler brought her to court.

Perce says she was unaware that accusing Wheeler of solicitation would bring charges of prostitution upon her, but hopes to get a deal for her testimony. Wheeler has publicly declined that the sex had anything to do with back rent, and claims that it was Perce who could not keep her hands off him

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Faux Report

Man Overdoses on Pink Himalayan Salt; Doctors Put Him On Life Support

salt

DENVER, Colorado –

Himalayan salt is said to improve respiratory and vascular health, lower blood sugar in diabetics, and reverses the signs of aging. Dave Cyrus read inititally tried it because he thought it would help seasonal affective disorder and give him more energy.

Within a few months he was ingesting so much pink salt, he was diagnosed with salt poisoning. Salt poisoning signs are often subtle at first, including lethargy, irritability, and bloating. With continued ingestion they can result in seizure or coma. Dave’s wife found him unconscious in the kitchen last week, barely able to move.

Wife Jessica says her husband became obsessed. “It started with those salt lamps. They have nice ambiance. I didn’t complain. Then he discovered pink salt. He’d just rave about how healthy he was, how good it made him feel – and if nothing else, he was definitely more horny. Whenever I warned him he was taking too much salt, he’d just whip it out, and I couldn’t argue with that.”

Dave remains at Mercy hospital in a coma. Jessica says she will keep him on life support as long as it takes. “When he gets out of this coma my first words to him are going to be, ‘I told you so, you lunkhead.’ My second words, though, will probably be ‘Can you whip it out for me again, though, hun?’”

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Faux Report

Betty White Found Not Dead At Her California Home On 94th Birthday

Actress Betty White, 92, Diagnosed With Hookworms

LOS ANGELES, California –

Betty White, the beloved actress who is best known as Rose on the popular 80s sitcom The Golden Girls was found not dead in her home in California on Sunday, where she celebrated her 94th birthday with friends and family.

Although often the butt of death hoaxes and pranks but internet websites, the 94-year-old entertainer was in good spirits, and was alive and well Sunday, where she ate cake and ice cream with friends, and enjoyed a beautiful California day with her family and animals.

“Oh, it’s just a great day to be alive,” said White. “It’s my birthday, I’ve got my health and all this love from my family, friends, and pets. It’s amazing to have lived this long.”

White says that she is still “going strong” and hopes to release more TV shows, and possibly a movie or two this year.

“I’ve never done a good, gritty action movie or anything like that,” said White. “Here’s hoping I can get a role in a good rough-and-tumble flick with someone like Chris Pratt. What a hunk!”

Fans of White say that it’s absolutely incredible that she has lived so long, especially after a rash of celebrity deaths this month.

“I believe she may very well live forever,” said Golden Girls megafan Jerome Myers. “I certainly hope she does!”

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Teen Blinded After Taking Advice From Gag Meme On Facebook

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BRIDGTON, Maine –

Tanya Herson, 17, has reportedly blinded herself after putting jalapeño slices directly over her eyes in a misguided beauty technique. A meme she had seen on Facebook said it would get rid of puffy eyes. Although it started to burn almost immediately, she assumed that was a sign that it was working.

Her mother, Deanna, says she “heard Tanya screaming bloody murder,” but at first did not know what had happened.

“Tanya couldn’t tell me what happened. Her eyes were red and swollen. I thought it was an allergic reaction to some kind of makeup, so I had her flush out her eyes in the shower and called 911,” said Deanna.

By the time paramedics arrived, Tanya had completely lost sight in both eyes. Later she told her mother she had seen it in a meme.

“There needs to be someone monitoring the internet,” says Tasha’s mother. “We can’t continue to allow our fake news to hurt our impressionable children.” Deanna says she is looking into suing Mark Zuckerberg for her daughter’s medical bills, as well as pain and suffering. “He owns the website, and the website let someone post this horrible information. If he’s not to blame, I don’t know who is.”

 

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Faux Report

Police Uncover Multiple Bodies In Indiana Junkyard; Owners Deny Any Serial Killers In Family

police

WESTFIELD, Indiana – 

A recently-deceased scrapyard owner is Westfield Police’s initial suspect after five bodies were found on his grounds last Friday. Ed Aviry, of Aviry Metals, passed away from heart failure only a few short weeks ago, leaving his business to his brother John Aviry. Ed’s nephew, 12-year-old John Jr., was the one to discover the first of the remains.

John Sr. says he was in the office, going through paperwork, when his son told him he had found bones.

“’Course I thought they were animal bones, but I agreed to go out to take a look. Then I saw they were sticking out of a jacket and we called it in…But I never thought it was Ed who had done it. He might’ve been a loner, but that don’t make him a killer.”

John Aviry Sr. also said Ed had a bad back and would not have been able to hide the bodies amidst the junk. “He was too old for that shit. Plus, from his books, I reckon he wasn’t doing much business the last few years. Who knows how often he even went out in the yard? If anyone was out there burying bodies, I’d have known. I was out there every day, all day. I swear, I wasn’t burying bodies or anything, though.”

Police say that they are still uncovering bodies throughout the 14-acre property, and the entire area has been designated a crime scene.

“At last count, we had found 11 bodies spread throughout the area, and we are, at this time, considering them all as homicide cases,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith of Westfield Police Department. “We have not publicly named any suspects, although at this time we are asking the Aviry family to not leave the area.”

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Faux Report

Teens Allegedly Vandalize Cemetery in Name of Satan

goth

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Paula McCain, who lives across the street from the Westview cemetery in Atlanta, witnessed the black-clad teens enter the graveyard and – recognizing that they were local goths – immediately called police.

Fearing a reputation of ‘rat’ in the community, McCain made it clear that she would not have normally called the police. “If it had been some boys from the football team, I’d have thought ‘boys will be boys,’ they’re probably just sneaking a beer. But devil worshipers going into a graveyard after dark – well, they’re likely sacrificing a cat or something.”

Officer Browne seized a half-smoked cigarette from one of the teens and confiscated a copy of the Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey as evidence. The 3 teens have been charged with vandalism for three old tombstones that appear to have been tipped over. The rumor that the teens are behind the recent disappearance of neighborhood cats has caught on and angry citizens are demanding that the courts throw the book at the kids.

Michael “Damian” Luther denies hurting anyone. “God must be sacrificed. ‘Under no circumstances would a Satanist sacrifice any animal or baby!’ It’s right there in the Satantic Bible. Look it up. If the pigs hadn’t taken my copy, I’d show you,” said Luther.

All three children are currently grounded by their parents while awaiting sentencing.

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Faux Report

Major Stock Crash Expected in 2016; Experts Say Invest in Commodities

stocks

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Stocks are off to their worst start since 2000, and investors a warned they could face a cataclysmic year. Experts at the Royal Bank of Scotland attribute this tensions between Iran and Saudi Arabia.

Don’t have any stocks to sell? Doomsday preparation expects advice to stock up not just on the obvious like food and oil, but commodities like alcohol and cigarettes, prices of which will soar after the price.

Tim McCain, a “doomsday prepper,” says, “It’s all well and good to have jugs of water and cans of Vienna sausages, but you got to think like an investor. What are people going to want? I’m banking on whiskey and condoms. They’re going to want to drown their troubles in their cups and indulge in a cheap whore – cause they’ll be plenty around trying to trade sex for a dozen eggs.”

“No one’s going to want to bring anymore bastard mouths into the world when daddy DHHS stops handing out those food stamps. I expect a condoms will be more in demand than guns,” said financial analyst Billie Joe Lewis. “Anyone who says food is the wave of the future isn’t planning for true catastrophe.”

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Faux Report

Academy Spokesman Responds To #OscarsSoWhite Hashtag, Says ‘Black People Can’t Act’

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

In the wake of the Academy Award nominations being released on Thursday, an old hashtag of #OscarsSoWhite re-appeared again on social media, as everyone receiving a nomination in the acting category was Caucasian.

“Every time we announce the nominees, we got a swarm of negativity, and there’s not much we can do about that,” said Academy spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “We aren’t choosing the nominees, the members of the Screen Actors Guild are doing that. It’s of no surprise to us, though, that all the nominees are white, since it’s a well known fact that the blacks can’t act for shit.”

After the comments were made by Goldsmith to the press, a new hashtag of #BoycottTheOscars began to circulate, with many people, including major celebrities, planning on tuning out when it comes to the award ceremony.

“It’s crazy as hell that some cracker thinks that black people can’t act,” said Jamal Richards of Los Angeles. “Ain’t they ever seen a damn Morgan Freeman movie? Ain’t they ever seen Denzel? That motherfucker is amazing. Hell the damn Globes awards people gave him some lifetime achievement and shit. It’s crazy as hell what they doing.”

Even industry insiders were a little confused as to the nominations, and actors like O’Shea Jackson and Samuel L. Jackson both received incredible reviews for their parts in Straight Outta Compton and The Hateful Eight, respectively.

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Teen Gives Birth To Eleven Babies, Claims She’s Never Even Had Sex

babies

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A 17-year-old girl gave birth to a record-setting eleven babies on Wednesday evening, smashing the previous record of 8. Mary Lambert of Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, says that she was not taking any fertility drugs before she got pregnant, and that she doesn’t even know how she became pregnant in the first place.

“My boyfriend and I have never had sex before,” said Lambert, whose father, George, stood nearby. “We have been dating since I was 14 and he was 15, but we’ve never done anything before, not even kissing.”

Doctors say that having eleven babies at once was something they’d never seen before, and dealing with delivery was extremely difficult.

“You ever see those old movies or shows where a clown gets out of a car, and then another clown, and another, and soon you have a whole fleet of clowns that just stepped out of this tiny car? That’s what delivering these babies was like,” said Doctor Eugene Banks. “It’s like this girl’s vagina was a very weird clown car.”

According to Dr. Banks, though, there is no way that Lambert has never had sex.

“Of course she’s had sex. She’s a 17-year-old girl with a boyfriend who just gave birth, naturally I might add, to eleven babies,” said Dr. Banks. “How else does she think she got pregnant?”

“My daughter is a good girl, and if she says she’s never had sex, then she’s never had sex,” said George Lambert. “Just like the virgin mother gave birth to baby Jesus so many years ago, so too is my daughter a virgin Mary. Of course, I only wish God could have sent just one baby. Eleven is a little much.”

 

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Major Recall of Multiple Condom Brands After Employee Found Poking Holes In Packages

condoms

BRIGHTON, Mississippi – 

Multiple lines of condoms in the Durex line, including Durex Rubbas’ Sheepskin and Durex XXS condoms are being recalled from the market today after an employee was found to have been placing small holes in each package as they went through the assembly line.

Doyle Murphy, 55, had worked for the Durex condom company for over 20 years, and was apparently upset that he was passed over for a promotion for the 4th time.

“It should have been me, goddamnit,” said Murphy, who worked on the assembly line in packaging and shipping. “I’ve been with the company almost as long as that new bastard has been alive, and it’s ridiculous that they passed me over again. If they’re going to be passing me up for kids, then this company better be ready for a whole lot more kids to be born thanks to their product.”

According to security footage, Murphy was seen poking holes with a needle into random condom pouches as they went by his station. Murphy’s job was to gently squeeze each pouch before it was boxed to make sure there was air in the condom, lest someone go to use it and it’s dried out.

“They were supposed to move me off the ‘squeezies’ and into the next department up, which is the testing department. It was my time, I tell you,” said Murphy. The testing department come before packaging, and it is the area where men are required to personally test one out of every one hundred condoms that comes off the production line. “We have to make sure that they’re working, and we have a whole team of people who just have sex all day to test them. It’s my dream job.”

Murphy is being charged with felony tampering, as condoms are considered a medical device. People who use condoms are urged to carefully check the packaging for holes before slipping one on.

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