Faux Report

Major Stock Crash Expected in 2016; Experts Say Invest in Commodities


NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Stocks are off to their worst start since 2000, and investors a warned they could face a cataclysmic year. Experts at the Royal Bank of Scotland attribute this tensions between Iran and Saudi Arabia.

Don’t have any stocks to sell? Doomsday preparation expects advice to stock up not just on the obvious like food and oil, but commodities like alcohol and cigarettes, prices of which will soar after the price.

Tim McCain, a “doomsday prepper,” says, “It’s all well and good to have jugs of water and cans of Vienna sausages, but you got to think like an investor. What are people going to want? I’m banking on whiskey and condoms. They’re going to want to drown their troubles in their cups and indulge in a cheap whore – cause they’ll be plenty around trying to trade sex for a dozen eggs.”

“No one’s going to want to bring anymore bastard mouths into the world when daddy DHHS stops handing out those food stamps. I expect a condoms will be more in demand than guns,” said financial analyst Billie Joe Lewis. “Anyone who says food is the wave of the future isn’t planning for true catastrophe.”


Tempo: April 10, 2015

California sheriff's deputies beat a horse thief who is tazed and down—55 times. Rand Paul answered his last question, then left; the Left calls that "walking out"; but he would never walk out on talks with Iran. Switzerland issues the first ever 10 year bonds yielding a negative interest rate, paying back less than they were sold for. Marco Rubio issues a montage video, non-specific as a Ted Kennedy speech, with music one might expect in a Transformers movie. Krauthammer also compared Rubio to Kennedy, in a good way. Hillary Clinton plans to run, as does Jeb. Eric Bolling, in for Bill-O, doesn't like political dynasties. Microsoft makes Windows 10, the 9th edition of Windows, available to more smartphones. NRA audiences don't like the press either. Bonus articles: April 9, 1865. The Surrender at Appomattox (Dialog of Civil War surrender) | 7 Reasons Even Really Smart People Can Be Fooled by Liars

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