Tag Archives: recall

Faux Report

MASSIVE Milk Recall In Place After Iodine Found in Country’s Biggest Supplier

TOPEKA, Kansas – 

A devastating report coming out of the Midwest United States this morning announces a recall of over 2.5 million gallons of milk that tested positive for iodine. The tainted milk has left at least 34 adults dead and has sickened thousands more.

Golden Tropics Farm, the world’s largest dairy farm which produces nearly 300,000 gallons of milk every day, says that 100% of their milk has tested positive for iodine. Golden Tropics has not commented on how the chemical was able to get into the milk and cause the contamination.

Symptoms of acute iodine poisoning include burning of the mouth, throat, and stomach, fever, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, a weak pulse, cyanosis, and comas.

Due to the massive amount of tainted milk that has already been sold in stores, the recall asks you simply dispose of any milk that has been purchased between August 1, 2017 and September 1, 2017 – no matter the brand, as Golden Tropics supplies nearly 400 milk brands throughout the United States.

Economists say this is the biggest milk recall in US history, and could potentially raise milk prices to nearly $15 dollars a gallon through the remainder of the year, as farms such as Golden Tropics struggle to catch up for demand.

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Faux Report

Major Recall of Multiple Condom Brands After Employee Found Poking Holes In Packages

condoms

BRIGHTON, Mississippi – 

Multiple lines of condoms in the Durex line, including Durex Rubbas’ Sheepskin and Durex XXS condoms are being recalled from the market today after an employee was found to have been placing small holes in each package as they went through the assembly line.

Doyle Murphy, 55, had worked for the Durex condom company for over 20 years, and was apparently upset that he was passed over for a promotion for the 4th time.

“It should have been me, goddamnit,” said Murphy, who worked on the assembly line in packaging and shipping. “I’ve been with the company almost as long as that new bastard has been alive, and it’s ridiculous that they passed me over again. If they’re going to be passing me up for kids, then this company better be ready for a whole lot more kids to be born thanks to their product.”

According to security footage, Murphy was seen poking holes with a needle into random condom pouches as they went by his station. Murphy’s job was to gently squeeze each pouch before it was boxed to make sure there was air in the condom, lest someone go to use it and it’s dried out.

“They were supposed to move me off the ‘squeezies’ and into the next department up, which is the testing department. It was my time, I tell you,” said Murphy. The testing department come before packaging, and it is the area where men are required to personally test one out of every one hundred condoms that comes off the production line. “We have to make sure that they’re working, and we have a whole team of people who just have sex all day to test them. It’s my dream job.”

Murphy is being charged with felony tampering, as condoms are considered a medical device. People who use condoms are urged to carefully check the packaging for holes before slipping one on.

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