Tag Archives: Entertainment

Faux Report

Eminem To Record Album Of Country Song Covers

Eminem Gives One Million Dollars To Homeless Man

DETROIT, Michigan

Marshall Mathers, best known by his stage name Eminem, has said that his next album will be entirely compromised of cover songs, with all of them being songs straight out of Nashville.

“I’m one of the biggest selling artists of all time, and the top selling rapper, but there are a lot of other musical genres out there that I haven’t stuck my feet into,” said Eminem. “Country is the most popular music there is. It outsells rap or rock 10 to 1. So it’s time I got in on that action, and my next album will be very country.”

Originally when it was announced, fans and reporters assumed that the album would be rap covers of country songs, but as news has spread, Eminem has clarified that the album would not be rap at all, it would be straight-up country music.

“I don’t know how to write country lyrics, because I haven’t often fucked my sister or sat in the back of a pick-up truck drinking from a red cup, but I know what loss feels like, and I know what it means to be poor white trash, so that’s why I’m going country,” said Eminem. “These will be covers of other popular country songs, and they will be amazing. You’ll see.”

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Faux Report

Ryan Reynolds Says He Won’t Return For Deadpool Sequel

Ryan Reynolds Hit By Car While Filming 'Deadpool,' Destroys Car With Bare Hands

LOS ANGELES, California –

Ryan Reynolds was born to play Deadpool, in the way the Robert Downey Jr. perfectly encompasses the role of Tony Stark in Iron Man. With the new Deadpool movie bringing in a record-breaking quarter of a billion dollars in its worldwide opening weekend, Fox was keen on quickly green-lighting a sequel, but sadly, there is one person who won’t be returning.

Ryan Reynolds says that he will not be singing on for a second Deadpool film, after realizing that the part was going to put way too much pressure on his everyday life.

“I’ve been an actor for years, and I’ve always had a good time with it,” said Reynolds. “Problem is, not that I’ve played a character in a movie people have actually seen, I haven’t had a moment to rest, and it’s frustrating.”

Reynolds had been personally trying to get a Deadpool film made for years, and it took over a decade for Fox to agree to not only make the film, but make it geared towards adults, letting it receive the MPAA’s R-rating. Reynolds says that he’s glad the movie is doing so well, but he can’t be part of another one.

“Someone else can easily take over, because most of the film I’m in a suit, and when I’m not, my face is covered in burn makeup,” said Reynolds. “I really want to go back to just being an actor that people sort of recognize, but pass by on the street without having to stop and take a selfie with.”

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Faux Report

Tom Hanks Gains 200 Pounds To Play Your Mom In New Movie

tom hanks

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tom Hanks recently signed a deal with Universal to play Your Mom in a major motion picture. The actor, who is known for his extremely method abilities, including growing a full beard and losing over 75 pounds for his role in Cast Away, will reportedly put on over 200 pounds to play Your Mom in the movie.

“The thing is, I could never really be as ugly as Your Mom, but I could definitely get that fat,” said the actor. “This is undoubtedly going to be a tough role to play, but I am sure that once I get the weight on, I will look more like Your Mom, and I will start to feel more like Your Mom, too.”

Universal head Joe Goldsmith says that this is not the first time a movie about Your Mom has been in production, but until recently, they couldn’t find anyone interested in playing the part.

“Your Mom is kind of a drag, really. She’s lived a hard life and everything, but Your Mom is a real bitch, and we needed someone with real acting abilities to play that role,” said Goldsmith. “Your Mom is also a dirty slut, and that takes some careful writing in order to make Your Mom a character that everyone can relate to.”

Aaron Sorkin is writing the screenplay. JJ Abrams is currently in talks to direct.

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Faux Report

Kanye West Announces Plans To Run For President

Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kanye West has reportedly just thrown his hat into a very diverse ring of candidates for the presidential elections. According to West, he couldn’t find a candidate in the field who was “deserving” or “cool” enough to become the next president, and that running himself was the only viable option.

“I backed Obama, because he’s my boy. He’s black, he’s a great speaker, and he’s black,” said West. “This year, there are no candidates who move me in the same way that Obama moved me. No one to get behind. No one black. That’s why I’m running myself.”

According to West, he will be running as an independent, although at this time he doesn’t have much of a platform.

“I don’t know much about the world, or the things happening in it, but I know that I can change all the bad things and make them good, just like I did to the music industry, just like I’ll keep doing with my family,” said West. When asked why he wasn’t just backing Ben Carson, who is an African-American candidate, West seemed confused. “I have no idea who you’re talking about. Is he the guy who used to cut open babies or something? Yeah, he’s a joke.”

West will make an official announcement of his candidacy on Tuesday.

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Faux Report

Kanye West Announces Plans To Run For President

Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kanye West has reportedly just thrown his hat into a very diverse ring of candidates for the presidential elections. According to West, he couldn’t find a candidate in the field who was “deserving” or “cool” enough to become the next president, and that running himself was the only viable option.

“I backed Obama, because he’s my boy. He’s black, he’s a great speaker, and he’s black,” said West. “This year, there are no candidates who move me in the same way that Obama moved me. No one to get behind. No one black. That’s why I’m running myself.”

According to West, he will be running as an independent, although at this time he doesn’t have much of a platform.

“I don’t know much about the world, or the things happening in it, but I know that I can change all the bad things and make them good, just like I did to the music industry, just like I’ll keep doing with my family,” said West. When asked why he wasn’t just backing Ben Carson, who is an African-American candidate, West seemed confused. “I have no idea who you’re talking about. Is he the guy who used to cut open babies or something? Yeah, he’s a joke.”

West will make an official announcement of his candidacy on Tuesday.

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Faux Report

Bill Murray Reportedly Stabs Fan Who Was Photographing Him

murray

LOS ANGELES, California –

Bill Murray reportedly stabbed a fan who was taking pictures of him at a Los Angeles bar and restaurant, say reports. The fan, George Willis, was taken to a nearby hospital where he was treated for his wounds and released.

According to onlookers, Willis repeatedly took pictures of the Groundhog Day star, even after Murray had politely asked him not to. After several minutes of Willis gawking and photo-taking, Murray reportedly grabbed Willis’ cell phone and threw it across the room. Willis then proceeded to pull a tablet out of a bag, and continue taking pictures.

“It was at that point that Bill picked up his fork, went over to the guy again, and stabbed him in the shoulder,” said a witness. “To be honest, I laughed, because the guy deserved it. Funny thing was, the guy who got stabbed, he didn’t even flinch. He let out a wail, but then went right back to taking pictures with his iPad.”

Murray left the bar shortly after the incident, but Willis says that he is not pressing charges anyway.

“Bill Murray is the greatest actor in the history of cinema,” said Willis. “I know that he asked me to stop taking pictures, but I just couldn’t. Even after he smashed my phone and threw it. To be stabbed by him  is the greatest honor ever. Maybe someday I can meet him again, and he can sign the scar in my shoulder and I can get it tattooed onto me permanently.”

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Faux Report

Bill Murray Reportedly Stabs Fan Who Was Photographing Him

murray

LOS ANGELES, California –

Bill Murray reportedly stabbed a fan who was taking pictures of him at a Los Angeles bar and restaurant, say reports. The fan, George Willis, was taken to a nearby hospital where he was treated for his wounds and released.

According to onlookers, Willis repeatedly took pictures of the Groundhog Day star, even after Murray had politely asked him not to. After several minutes of Willis gawking and photo-taking, Murray reportedly grabbed Willis’ cell phone and threw it across the room. Willis then proceeded to pull a tablet out of a bag, and continue taking pictures.

“It was at that point that Bill picked up his fork, went over to the guy again, and stabbed him in the shoulder,” said a witness. “To be honest, I laughed, because the guy deserved it. Funny thing was, the guy who got stabbed, he didn’t even flinch. He let out a wail, but then went right back to taking pictures with his iPad.”

Murray left the bar shortly after the incident, but Willis says that he is not pressing charges anyway.

“Bill Murray is the greatest actor in the history of cinema,” said Willis. “I know that he asked me to stop taking pictures, but I just couldn’t. Even after he smashed my phone and threw it. To be stabbed by him  is the greatest honor ever. Maybe someday I can meet him again, and he can sign the scar in my shoulder and I can get it tattooed onto me permanently.”

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U.S. Tourists Report Seeing David Bowie Alive In Nicaragua

bowie

GRANADA, Nicaragua –

Several groups of U.S. tourists vacationing in Nicaragua report that they have seen David Bowie alive and well in the city of Granada. All of the reports come from various people who seemingly have no connection, and all of them say that the singer was happy and in good spirits.

“It’s weird that he’d fake his own death and come to Nicaragua,” said tourist George Felix. “I mean, he wasn’t exactly at the forefront of any controversy or really in the limelight that much. He could have probably retired and done his thing outside of the public eye with no bother.”

According to eyewitnesses, the I’m Afraid of Americans singer was seen in restaurants and clubs in Granada, as well as walking along the city’s beautiful beaches.

“I think it was a marketing ploy, honestly, set up by a bunch of greedy media companies,” said another tourist who says she saw Bowie, Marcy Jones. “He had the new album coming out, and now they’re remaking Labyrinth, which obviously will intrigue more people because Bowie is supposedly gone. All these companies coming together to fake his death and sell more of whatever they’re selling – it wouldn’t surprise me at all.”

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Faux Report

Mother Of Baby Mocked By Internet Memes Says She Would ‘Kill Internet Bullies’

baby

HENDERSONVILLE, Texas – 

Ann Meyer’s says she is wants to kill the internet bullies who are being cruel to her 4-year-old son, Jameson. He has a rare genetic disorder, causing wide set eyes and a smushed face similar to internet meme Grumpy Cat. His face was used by the internet in a cruel meme making fun of his appearance. It continues to circulate throughout social media, although Meyer has some success in getting it taken down on several occasions.

Jameson was diagnosed with Pfeiffer syndrome, also referred to as craniofacial syndrome, when he was still a baby. The rare genetic disorder impacts growth of the bones in the skull, hands and feet, and sometimes causes neurological defects. Jameson is intellectually normal, but trapped behind a face only a mother could love.

“I told Jameson, ‘we’ll kill them with kindness.’ What else can I do?” says Meyer. “Sure I’d like to whack those cruel bastards in the face with a shovel, but the internet is filled with hateful people like that. Where would I even start?”

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Faux Report

Teen Commits Suicide After Reading Fake News Story About Favorite Band Breaking Up

teen

CARLSON, Kansas – 

A 14-year-old teen has reportedly committed suicide after reading about his favorite band breaking up on a spoof entertainment news website. The teen, Mark Simpson, had reportedly read on News 14 Now! that the group, Imagine Dragons, would be breaking up following one final tour.

“We told him that the news wasn’t real, that it was definitely a hoax,” said Simpson’s mother, Tammy. “You could tell by the other articles on the website that the whole thing was fake, but Mark kept telling me how all his friends were sharing the article on Facebook, and they wouldn’t share it if it wasn’t true. He was depressed for a week; he wouldn’t even eat or leave his room.”

Mrs. Simpson says that both she and her husband tried to convince Mark to seek help from a psychiatrist, but he wouldn’t budge.

“We even went so far as to message the band directly on their social media pages, just so we could get them to say that they weren’t breaking up, and it was all a hoax,” said George Simpson, Mark’s father. “Unfortunately, by the time they responded, Mark had already died.”

Police were called by Mrs. Simpson after she found Mark dead in his room. He killed himself by turning the volume on his stereo up to the highest volume, and listening to the popular Imagine Dragons song ‘Radioactive’ on repeat with a pair of Beats By Dre headphones.

“The song was so loud, and the bass so heavy, that on repeated plays, it gave him an anuresym,” said Mrs. Simpson. “He left a note that just simply said ‘I’m sorry, I can’t take it.’ We are extremely upset, because in the end, Imagine Dragons is only okay at best, anyway.”

The band did not immediately respond to comment about the incident. Mrs. Simpson says she plans to bring a lawsuit against Facebook for allowing the fake content to be shared on its website.

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Bill Murray Condemned By Religious-Right After Publicly Denouncing God

murray

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Across America, the anti-Bill Murray campaign can be heard in sermons and seen on signs outside of churches. Various Christian groups have said they will not be supporting Murray in the 2016 Presidential Election, which Murray entered last week, and they urge others to follow.

Murray has been clear with reporters on his religious views. “Religion is the worst enemy of mankind. People can believe whatever they choose to believe, but it does not belong in politics. It imprisons your mind. Religion creates hate, racism, bigotry and keeps you from your true potential in life. No single war in the history of humanity has killed as many people as religion has.”

Murray says he expected not to be backed by religious groups. “I imagine I probably won’t be too popular with the Christian vote in this country, but I’m fine with that.”

Still Murray has a small but vocal following who says he does not need the support of the religious right in the election. Paul Horner, a spokesman for the campaign says,“He’s a living legend and is exactly what America needs right now.”

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Faux Report

McDonald’s Manager Assaults Customer With Mozzarella Sticks

mcdonalds

DETROIT, Michigan – 

Fed up with all the complaints she was getting about the new McDonald’s mozzarella sticks, shift leader Harriet Truman threw a box of fresh, hot mozzarella sticks at an irate customer. Because of flaws in the baking process, the sticks may or may not still have their cheesy centers. The customer had gone through the drive-thru, and came in upset that she had gotten a “dud stick”.

Truman tried to defuse the customer by replacing the order, but the customer was still not happy.

Gloria Potts, the customer who was assaulted with the cheesy deliciousness, says she was mad that she had to get out of her car in the first place. “The only reason I do go to McDonald’s is so I can get my afternoon snacks without getting out of the car. I deserved to be compensated for having to do that. All she wanted to do was give me a new batch. I want that, plus my money back, plus some coupons for free food at a later date. I’m the customer, and the customer is always right.”

Truman was not fired, but did receive a warning from corporate not to throw food. She was taken into police custody for assault, but released on $50 bail. McDonalds is aware of the issue and offered a public apology Thursday after receiving numerous complaints about the lack of mozzarella in their cheesy snacks.

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Gwen Stefani To Give Up Sex In Exchange For Shoes

gwen

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

After finding incrementing text messages between Blake Sheldon and his ex, Miranda Lambert, Gwen Stefani says she is done with men. She recently tweeted to fans, “Shoes are so much better than sex.”

She later tweeted that she had gotten a steal on some gold Giuseppe Zanotti sneakers with vibrating soles. Although some say she is just using shoes as a distraction to forget her heartbreak, her shoe fetish may have, in fact, negatively affected her relationship to begin with.

Stefani’s now ex-boyfriend, Shelden, has told Source Magazine that Gwen’s shoe fetish was something that always came between them. “Hey – nothing was going on between me and Miranda, but I may have asked her for some advice. Gwen would demand we have sex in her shoe closet. It was uncomfortable! Or she’d stop riding me to change shoes. She wouldn’t look me in the eyes when she got off. She’d stare at her Busemis. It was tragically bad. I should have know that I’d end up her ex-boyfriend.”

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Mariah Carey Loses ‘Priceless’ Engagement Ring Worth $10 Million

ring

MIAMI, Florida –

Mariah Carey and James Packer’s recently announced their engagement, but Carey could not keep the ring on her finger for more than a few days. After announcing plans for a wedding so lavish it will rival Prince William and Kate’s nuptials, the lovebirds flew to Miami for a pre-wedding honeymoon.

Somewhere on the beach Carey lost her 35-carat diamond engagement ring. Although she recruited people to help her find it, it did not immediately turn up. They couple soon gave up, not wanting to waste the rest of their day. Carey says she hopes a good samaritan will find it and return it to her, since she says it has “some sentimental value.” A reward of $100 has been issued by the couple, and they hope that someone will find it on the beaches of Miami.

Carey’s $4.7 billion dollar man is reportedly not upset by the loss, since the ring was fully insured, and he has enough money to ‘wipe his ass with $100 bills for the rest of his life,’ and still have more money than most people on Earth, according to sources who are friendly with the couple.

The ring was reportedly worth $10 million.

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