Tag Archives: Bill Clinton

Faux Report

Bill Clinton Files For Divorce From ‘Nagging Wife’ Hillary

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Public records indicate that former president Bill Clinton has filed for divorce from his wife, current presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton, citing “irreconcilable differences.”

A lawyer for Ex-President Clinton said that he had “no comment” at this time, but said that Clinton himself had issued a partial statement on the matter:

For those who are wondering, yes, I have decided to leave Hillary after decades of marriage. The reasons are personal and, well – actually, a lot of the reasons are very, very public, too – but most of them are personal. I like having sex with multiple women, and Hillary likes to control everything, including me. It’s become too hard to live with such a maniacal, egotistical woman, and when she becomes president, it will ruin this marriage even further. We cannot see eye-to-eye, and so it is time for me to end this. I do not want to have sexual relations with that woman.

According to a lawyer, who does not represent either party, a divorce with this much equity, real estate, and other massive-ticket items, could take some time to sort out. It’s entirely likely that the pair will still be legally married until well after Hillary is sworn into office.

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Faux Report

Monica Lewinsky Says She Is Voting For Hillary Clinton

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Former presidential intern and the world’s second most famous presidential lay, Monica Lewinsky, has gone on record saying that she will be voting for her old flame’s wife, Hillary Clinton, in the next election.

Lewinsky, who is a staunch anti-bullying activist, says she couldn’t possibly vote for Trump, because he’s “the biggest bully” she’s ever seen.

“I’ve spent years trying to stop bullying, in life and online, with children, teens, and adults, so what kind of message would it send if I voted for Donald Trump?” asked Lewinsky. “I understand that there are some weird ramifications of me voting for my former lover’s wife, but you know, those were different times. That dress has long since been burned, if you know what I mean.”

Lewinsky says that she had originally thought about voting for Jill Stein, but Stein’s anti-vaccine sentiment made her think better.

“It’s definitely a woman’s place to be in the Oval Office, behind the resolute desk, and I don’t just mean on her knees,” said Lewinsky.

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Faux Report

Bill Clinton Takes LSD Hit Back Stage At DNC

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

It may not have been obvious to everyone, but Bill Clinton was higher than a kite during his wife’s “legendary” DNC speech Thursday evening. The former president was reportedly seen taking large hits of LSD back stage before joining Hillary Clinton at the podium, where he spent several minutes spacing out, and then playing with balloons.

“I have never seen anyone drop so much at once,” said a Clinton campaign staffer, who wished to remain anonymous. “He looked right at me, offered me some, and I had to take a pass. So he just took a whole bunch himself. It was intense. We tried to stop him, but you know, he’s pretty ornery for an old man.”

Hillary Clinton appeared to ignore her husband completely while he stared at confetti being dropped from the ceiling, and while he spent several minutes playing with balloons, including carrying a large one around on stage before kicking it into the crowd.

“This night is fantastic, you’re all fantastic, and everyone is so fucking awesome, man,” Bill Clinton reportedly said to reporters after the event had died down. “I don’t know how you’re all doing that swirly motion thing with your eyes, but it’s tripping me out in so many sick ways.”

 

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Faux Report

Bill Clinton Hospitalized After Being Attacked By Bernie Sanders Supporters

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Former president Bill Clinton was hospitalized today after being attacked on the street by protestors who were rallying in support of Bernie Sanders. According to police, the attack was provoked by comments that Clinton made recently claiming that Sanders supporters wanted to shoot people on Wall Street.

“Former president Bill Clinton was airlifted to a local hospital after being beaten down by a group of Bernie Sanders supporters,” said police chief Walter Richards. “According to bystanders, the group were enraged by comments Clinton made about their tendency to want Wall Street members to be shot and killed.”

Ricky Carson, a Sanders supporter who was arrested in the assault, is facing 20 years in prison for the attack on a former President, but says he would do it all over again if he had to.

“Bernie Sanders is a man of the people, and those people are rallying behind him, in support. I am one of those people. We don’t want anyone dead, and I swear to God, I will beat the ever living shit out of anyone who disagrees with that, or with Bernie,” said Carson.

Police arrested a total of 9 assailants in the attack, and are still seeking 3 more who may have been involved. Ironically, Clinton had allowed his security team the day off so that his wife, Hillary Clinton, could have more security during her time in New York.

Doctors say that Clinton may suffer mild brain damage, but that it’s doubtful anyone would notice.

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Faux Report

Presidential Race Starts To Get Bloody After Sanders Challenges Opponents

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In an attempt to secure the sick and desperate demographic, Bernie Sanders donated blood plasma to help those afflicted with problems ranging from Kawasaki disease to hemophilia. He called for other candidates to take a break from campaigning and do the same.

Plasma donation is more time-consuming than giving blood, in that the blood is drawn from one arm and channeled through an automated machine that collects plasma and returns the red blood cells. The screening process is also more difficult, baring donors from having tattoos or piercings.

Hilary Clinton tried, in an attempt to follow Sanders’ lead, to give plasma but was not able to make a donation due to the small tattoo on her buttocks that says “Bill.” She reportedly told the nurse, “I was going to say I never regretted getting that tattoo more, but that’s untrue. There was another time I regretted it more…”

Trump’s campaign managers say he will not be donating plasma, as Trump cannot be sure his donation wouldn’t be given to affluent white males or attractive women.

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Faux Report

Hillary Clinton Plans To Make Bill Clinton Her Running Mate If She Wins In Primary

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Although he has already served a full two terms as president, nothing is stopping Hillary Clinton from making her husband, Bill Cinton, her vice-presidential running mate should she win during the primary elections; an act she says she is planning on doing.

“Bill has already been there, and he’s already seen what a presidential seat can do to a person, and there is no one better to join me at my side, and in my cabinet, than him,” said Hillary Clinton. “I am officially planning to recognize my husband, Bill, as my running mate if I am to take the primaries.”

Members of Congress say that there is no reason that Bill Clinton cannot serve as vice president, but there are issues were something to happen to Hillary if she were elected, such as a death, or a scandal or other measure that forces her to resign.

“If she were to be elected with Bill Clinton as her vice president, we are unsure, at this time, if he would be able to take over the roll of president as would normally be the case,” said congressional member Richard Doorer (R-Iowa). “As he has already fulfilled his duty as president, and completed two full terms, he is not eligible to run again, but that doesn’t necessarily negate that he could be president again in that sort of situation. We’ll take it as it comes, if it does indeed arise.”

According to an anonymous source inside the Clinton campaign, the entire race has just been one big ploy to get Bill Clinton back into the oval office, with Hillary planning on winning, and immediately stepping down, allowing for her husband to take over.

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Faux Report

Hillary and Bill Clinton Paid Daughter Chelsea To Have Babies

clintons

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Hilary and Bill Clinton allegedly paid daughter Chelsea, 35, to start a family. Chelsea is expecting her second child. Charlotte, now 16 months old, was born in September of 2014, about a year after Chelsea received a two million dollar incentive to start a family.

Not only did Hilary and Bill want grandbabies, they thought it would look good for the campaign. “The Clinton campaign wanted Hilary to appear to be a hard politician, which they have seen in her career as senator and secretary of state, while also retaining a warm, motherly aspect. Obviously Hilary Clinton’s womb has long ago dried up, and Chelsea is far too old to be cute. Voters like babies. Two is the optimal number. This definitely helped her win the Iowa caucuses,” says campaign analyst Greg Edelman.

Chelsea’s husband, Marc Mezvinsky says even though this ended the freedom the couple once enjoyed, he is happy they decided to take the money and conceive. “I am very lucky to have my kids and such generous inlaws. Sure, we don’t have the same freedom as before, but we’re set for life. And whatever helps Hilary win is good for our family and good for the nation. Clinton for president. All hail Clinton.”

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Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, October 19, 2015

China may have been pushed to the breaking point. America may have called the Communist bluff. With all of the “yesmen” required for a totalitarian regime to continue, Michael Cole points out that the majority members of the Communist party probably don’t support an invasion of Taiwan (the largest Chinese contention in the Pacific.)

Reportedly, only 3% of Taiwanese think they are Chinese and only 9% want Taiwan to become a province of China. Reunification between Taiwan and China is untenable by all accounts. Even if forced, Taiwan would cease to exist as it is; China would acquire a costly pile of rubble. The fact that Beijing continues to tout such aspirations suggests that they may be ignorant of the reality of their situation—stereotypical of imploding regimes.

In the “wake” of suggested ignorance in Beijing, America is setting sail for the newest islands in the Pacific. Beijing is getting ready for America getting ready to set sail.  · · · →

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Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, August 31

Trump is the father America never had. More every day, slams and smears resemble an angry 16 year old trying to get back the keys to the car. Trump answers like a dad who says, “If you want to drive the car, you have to wash it and change the oil.” Americans who grew up in single-family homes and with disrespected fathers don’t know how to respond.

The spy who hacked the Clinton’s is found dead. The Clinton’s are almost as angry about the hacking as MI6—which raises its own questions. When did the Clinton’s and MI6 agree about anything? Not to worry, the British government is investigating whether the spy was able to lock himself in the bag he was found in. A yoga expert was brought in to try, though he failed. Does this foreshadow that Hillary’s ability to lock-in her own election has been hacked?

Ben Carson closes-in, but not against Trump; against the other hopefuls.  · · · →

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