Category Archives: Faux Report

Faux news articles

Faux Report

9th Grade Class in Alabama Performs Suicide Pact After Watching ‘Momo’ Video Online

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

A 9th grade class made up of 28 students in Huntsville, Alabama, have reportedly killed themselves in a “mass suicide pact,” after reportedly watching a new viral video online.

“Momo,” which is a stupid internet hoax that has been blown way out of proportion by the media, has now lost its hoax status after all the students were found dead in their school’s basement.

The children, most of whom were 14 or 15, reportedly each bought sleeping pills and bleach, and drank the toxic mixture. Police say the crime scene is “the worst in the history of police work.”

Melanie Reeve, 16, said one of her best friends was one of the teens who killed themselves, but she says she has “no idea” why should would do it.

“Everyone knows the Momo thing is fucking fake, that’s old news and no one actually cares about it except the news and old parents,” said Reeve. “I have no idea why [name redacted] did this. I told her that Momo wasn’t real, and she was just like ‘I know,’ but then did it anyway.”

Police are cautioning parents not to let their kids go “anywhere near the internet” until the Momo craze blows over.

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Faux Report

Planned Parenthood Announces They Will Stop Performing Abortions At All Clinics Nationwide

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

In a press release from Planned Parenthood, the non-profit company announced today that they would be ceasing to perform any abortions at any of their clinics throughout the country. The reason, they say, is not because of increased pressure from religious groups or right-wing nutjobs, but because they just really are sick of it being their “sole focus” in the media.

“We do so many amazing things for women, and for families in genera,” said Planned Parenthood CEO Marge Brock. “All anyone ever talks about is ‘gee, do you know how many abortions the perform,’ and that sort of thing. Frankly, it’s taking away all the resources of our other services, and we don’t have time to bother.”

Brock says that they will continue to council women on where they can get safe, medically performed abortions should they ask, but they won’t do anything in their facilities.

“We think this change will be great, and allow us to let people know about all the good we do,” said Brock. “Maybe now all these assholes will stop standing outside our offices with badly written signs and hatred, and they can go back to the internet where trolls belong.”

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Faux Report

Florida Man Arrested After Authorities Find 29 Mutilated Bodies Under His Porch

TALLAHASEE, Florida – 

A Florida man has been arrested after police discovered 29 mutilated and sexually-assaulted bodies under his porch. Police were lead to the home of Raymond Garfield, 30, after an anonymous tip.

According to reports, Garfield may have been murdering young women for over 10 years. He had been raping them, and killing them in numerous way – but all of the women were picked up in a local swingers bar.

“Mr. Garfield was seen frequenting a local nightclub, Le Swing, many times over the last several years, and would always leave with a young lady,” said Police Captain Lou Albano. “The women, several of whom were regulars, were never seen again. An investigation into Mr. Garfield was conducted after an anonymous bar patron called us, concerned about the constant stream of missing women he had seen leave with Garfield over several months.”

Garfield, a former construction worker, was arrested without incident. He is currently being held with no bail, with a court date set for March 3rd. If convicted, he will likely face the death penalty.

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Faux Report

California Passes Law to Completely Ban Cigarette Sales

SACRAMENTO, California – 

Lawmakers in California have passed a new law through the House that will completely abolish the sale of cigarettes throughout the state, according to reports. The new regulation, which will cost the state billions in tax revenue, will supposedly save upwards of 2 million lives per year.

“We have known forever that smoking is stupid shit, so why are we still selling cigarettes? Why is this still a thing?” said Representative John Lyman – D, California. “There is absolutely no reason to smoke. None. It doesn’t have a single actual benefit. It’s not like smoking weed, which, let’s face it, is awesome. Banning the sale will save lives, and help children not pick up the habit.”

The law will not go into effect until January of 2020, but Lyman says he hopes that many stores stop selling before then.

“I doubt they will, but it really is something we’re hoping the public helps us with,” said Lyman. “I mean shit, this isn’t Alabama. We’re a lot more sophisticated here.”

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Faux Report

President Trump Signs New Order To Remove Marijuana From Schedule-1 Drug List

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump signed a new order today, removing marijuana from the list of schedule-1 drugs, opening the floodgates for the drug to become legal on a federal level.

“I’ve always been against drinking, because alcoholism killed someone very close to me,” said President Trump. “But that said, I’ve always been a big fan of smoking the ganj. In fact, it was while I was baked out of my mind with a couple of friends that I first thought to run for President, and now – well, here I am.”

President Trump said that with the increased tax revenue from the sale of marijuana nationwide, he hopes to build the border wall.

“Honestly, legalizing on a federal level will bring in trillons of dollars for this country. It will boost the economy and the government will be flooded with new monies,” said Trump. “I will have my wall built by the end of the year.”

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Faux Report

Want Your Baby To Have Beautiful Green Eyes? Eat Your Boogers During Pregnancy

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

It all started as a simple thread in a well-known Spanish forum called “forocoches,” where someone posted the following question: “If I eat snot, will my children have green eyes?”

The post went viral around the world generating discussion. That’s why researchers at Harvard University in Boston, Massachusetts decided to study the effect – expecting to find no correlation. Their findings turned out to be extremely surprising.

They concluded that swallowing snot increases 80% the chances of green eyes for the baby.

“Believe it or not, we already knew about some benefits of eating your own boogers,” said Dr. Sam Not, who headed up the research. “It actually has health benefits, including boosting your immune system. What we didn’t know was that it directly correlated to eye color in the fetus of a pregnant woman. Our findings were astounding.”

Unfortunately, the news broke quite quickly, and has since become viral on social media. With doctors advocating for snot eating, many mothers-to-be are asking the really tough questions, such as “does snot contain gluten?” and ”If I’m a vegan, can I eat my snot?”

“Sorry to say, that medical science has not quite caught up to those questions yet,” said Dr. Not.

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Faux Report

Study: Showering Daily Decreases Penis Size

TOKYO, Japan –

A study from a prestigious Japanese university proves that the size of the penis decreases proportionally according to the number of showers a man takes. The study, which was initialized by Dr. Eypee Frealy, found that in a sample size of over 1000 men of various ages, their penis size would decrease based on the number of showers they took.

“Japanese people are known to have a smaller penises, but we wanted to find out if this was true,” said Dr. Frealy. “Of course, the study proved it was factually correct compared to other countries, but it also means that that the Japanese are the cleanest men in the world – it’s the perfect excuse.”

Dr. Frealy explained that the phenomenon happens due to two separate factors – Washing causes friction that causes erosion at the area, and excessive hydration.

“In one instance, an excessively clean man had completely lost his penis up inside his body. He showered and washed 5 to 6 times each day for a year. His OCD completely caused his penis to disappear,” said Frealy. “It’s a rarity, but it happened.”

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Faux Report

Government Releases The Cure For Cancer, But With The Largest Price Tag of Any Drug in History

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a breakthrough discovery, officials at the Scientific Lab For Study and Research in Washington, D.C., have developed the world’s first 100% cure for all types of cancer, no matter the region in the body or the severity. Researchers have been working on the drug for more than 20 years in secret, and trials on human subjects were just completed earlier this year.

The drug, which is already approved by the FDA for use in patients, has the largest price tag of any in the history of medicine. A single injection costs $4.7 million dollars, with the course of treatment needing a total of 52 injections over the course of a year. Final cost for the treatment? Nearly $2.5 billion dollars per person.

“We know that it’s really, really high, but frankly, there’s not much we can do about it,” said lead researcher, Mario  Jones, M.D. “The ingredients in the drug warrant the cost. We’re actually taking a loss on each injection by several hundred thousand dollars. I cannot speak to, exactly, what is in the drug, because of patent concerns, but let me tell you, it’s really a great deal if you can get your hands on it.”

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Faux Report

Michelle Obama Says She Plans To Run Against Trump in 2020 – With Barack As Her V.P.!

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a shocking move, Michelle Obama says she is ready to begin campaigning for a shot at the White House in 2020. The announcement comes after several months of speculation, but with Michelle always saying it wasn’t going to happen. The news also includes a shocking running mate – Michelle’s husband, former President Barack Obama.

“We had to look into the legalities a lot, because we were not 100% sure it could happen, but it turns out, everything is in order,” said Michelle Obama in a statement. “Barack finished his two terms as elected President, but would be allowed to serve two more terms as Vice President, were he able to get elected with a running mate who is eligible for the office. I believe I’m more than qualified for the job.”

When questioned about the issue, though, that if something were to happen to her after election, Barack would become President for a third term, Michelle smiled slyly.

“Yes, well…you do never know what the future holds,” she said.

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Faux Report

President Trump Readies Deportation of Melania After Huge Fight At White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump says he is beginning the preparations for deporting his wife, Melania, back to “whatever third world shithole she comes from,” according to official White House documents.

According to reports, Melania and President Trump had a bitter argument in the middle of the Oval Office, although the stories differ as to what caused the argument in the first place, with most sources stating that President Trump dislikes being referred to be his wife as “President Cheeto.”

“Frankly, I think it’s a sweet term of endearment from a wife to her husband,” said one anonymous staffer. “He really is taking it the wrong way. Now, of course, when she refers to his penis as the President’s ‘little Cheeto Puff,’ that might be crossing a line. But still – they’re married, you’re supposed to work these things out.”

President Trump said that he has been married enough times in his life, that “ditching one more won’t make much of a dent” in his life.

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Faux Report

After Record Number of Children Disappear, Man Arrested With 47 Kids Found Locked In His Basement

MIAMI, Florida

A Florida man has been charged with felony kidnapping and attempted murder after authorities discovered 47 missing children locked in the basement of his home.

According to police, more than 50 children have been reported missing in Miami since last Monday, and police were at a loss about the disappearances, until a tip lead them to the home of Mario Wilson, 50. Police say that an anonymous call led them to them.

“We have no idea who made the call, or how they knew where to find the children, but we are grateful,” said police chief Mitch Rogers. “We have found 47 of the 52 children reported missing. We are still hunting for the 5 remaining children, and at this point, we have no reason to consider them anything other than ‘missing.’”

Wilson reportedly was luring children into his home with the prospect of watching an unreleased Pokemon movie, to which every child gleefully ran into the home. Inside, they were disappointed to find that it was just a VHS tape of old recorded episodes.

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Faux Report

Parents Concerned By The Lack of Drugs Found Mixed In With Children’s Halloween Candy

BOSTON, MA

A large group of concerned parents say they are extremely disappointed in the lack of drugs found mixed into their children’s bags after trick-or-treating this year. They say the issue comes because of the scare-tactic posts and “clickbait bullshit” articles they’ve seen posted on their social media pages.

“Frankly, I was a little upset that Johnny only came home with a bag of candy, and there were no nugs of weed or gummy bears laced with ecstasy mixed in,” said Maria Jones, 38. “With all the articles you see floating around every year, and especially this year, I really expected something good to be in the bag. It’s a huge letdown.”

“Frankly, I blame the junkies for all of this,” said Chris Richards, 29. “We have an increased amount of avid drug users in this city, and so many people are using, there’s just nothing left to give the kids anymore during Halloween. It really sucks. My 7-year-old is pleased as shit about the M&Ms, but where’s my MDMA?!”

City officials say that this Halloween, like every Halloween throughout history, went off without a hitch, and there were no reported razor blades, needles, or drugs given out during the city’s trick-or-treating.

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Faux Report

BREAKING: President Trump Gives Full Pardon to Bill Cosby

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump has reportedly offered comedian Bill Cosby a full pardon, after the fallen star was found guilty of sexual assault and sentenced to 3 to 10 years in prison. Cosby, who is a lifelong friend of President Trump, could have spent his final days in prison had Trump not stepped in.

“Bill is absolutely and without a doubt, innocent on all charges,” said President Trump. “I understand very well how our court system works. I probably understand better than anyone, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I have met with Bill, we have spoken at length about the accusations against him, and I don’t believe a word of them.”

Over 60 women came forward to say that Bill Cosby had assaulted them, with many being drugged and raped while unconscious.

“We all know women like to gab, and this is a perfect example of why I plan to lower the crimes associated with assault or rape,” said Trump. “It’s obvious in this case that Bill had consensual sex with a woman who later regretted it, and then accused him of rape. Afterwards, of course, dozens of other women knew they could also try and make a dime off the publicity, and accused him as well. It’s sickening – truly sick – how some people think.”

Cosby, 81, will be allowed to leave prison on Monday as soon as the pardon is signed.

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Faux Report

President Trump Vows To Lower Severity of Sexual Assault Crimes, Hopes To Make Them ‘Ticketable’ Offenses

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump said this morning during a press conference that the “MeToo movement has gone too far,” and that “too many honest, hardworking men are being thrown under the bus with lies and malicious intent,” and that he plans to spend the rest of his time in office working to reduce the severity of rape and sexual assault charges.

“In this world that we live, many men are having their lives ruined by false allegations and exaggerated claims, and it’s time to put a stop to it,” said President Trump. “I myself have been wrongly accused of sexual assault, as have many of my close friends, and it’s sickening. It’s terrifying to live as a man right now, and know that at any time, some woman who you may not even know could come forward and say that you forcibly kissed her, or groped her, or that you offered her money to sit on your face, and it could ruin your life. It’s disgusting behavior on the part of these women.”

Trump went on to say that he felt that the transgressions of young men, if they happen at all, should be forgotten or pushed aside based on the work they’ve done and accomplished in the years since.

“I will not comment publicly on whether or not I believe Brett Kavanaugh assaulted anyone, even though we all clearly know that he didn’t,” said President Trump. “What I do know is that the accusations are destroying him and his family, and that’s not right. It’s for MeToo to go away quietly.”

President Trump said that he hopes to pass new laws that would decrease the criminal statute that would imprison people like Bill Cosby, who was sentenced to 3-10 years for sexual assault, and instead would allow men who are found guilty to pay a sort of fine, or restitution to the plaintiff.

“It  is my hope that my son can grow up in a world where no woman will ever accuse him of touching her inappropriately, whether he did or not,” said Trump. “I want to keep Making America Great Again, and at this point, this is my number one concern.”

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