Category Archives: Faux Report

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Faux Report

NFL’s Carolina Panthers Officially Changes Their Name to Carolina Black Panthers

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – 

The NFL has officially signed off on a name change request from the Carolina Panthers franchise, allowing the team to move forward with becoming the Carolina Black Panthers. The name request was submitted during the off-season, with NFL officials deliberating on the option.

“We decided to let them go ahead and change the name, as well as the logo,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “We understand their reasoning – after all, the team is made up of predominantly African-American players – and we cannot see any reason why this name change would cause any issues.

The new Black Panthers say that they will finish the season with their current attired and logos, and plan for a switch during the 2019 season.

“We are very happy with the decision to allow this,” said team owner Mario Lewis. “I mean, I’m not a black guy, but I think it’s a very powerful statement. I know tons of black people, some of my best friends are black. So this is my way of supporting them, and supporting this team. We really hope that this will bring the fans together, and show them that singular differences are always the most important.”

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Faux Report

Brett Kavanaugh Arrested After Night of Heavy Binge Drinking, Public Masturbation at D.C. Dive Bar

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Brett Kavanaugh, who is currently under scrutiny for allegedly sexually assaulting several women decades ago while drunk in high school, was arrested last night after police were called to local Washington, D.C. dive bar Good Head.

Kavanaugh, who is trying to obtain a lifetime seat on the Supreme Court, was reportedly detained by security after he allegedly removed his penis from his pants, and begin vigorously masturbating in the busy bar, before urinating all over himself, falling into the fetal position, and crying.

“When we arrived, Mr. Kavanaugh was beyond drunk, which from recent news reports, is perfectly in line with what we know about him,” said police chief Mario Lewis. “When we tried to detain him, Mr. Kavanaugh became unruly and violent, and assaulted two of my officers. A third officer was able to tase Mr. Kavanaugh before he caused any more harm or began masturbating again.”

Bystanders say that police had to physically carry Kavanaugh from the bar, and that he was screaming and yelling and snarling the entire time. Kavanaugh was held overnight, and released on $20,000 bail.

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Faux Report

Police Officer in Australia Was Beaten and Raped By a Wild Kangaroo

A police office in Australia was hospitalized with several injuries after he was beaten and sexually assaulted by a wild kangaroo during the course of duty, reports Canberra newspaper The Canberra Times.

Via World News Daily Report:

The attack occurred at 2 am yesterday after police officers responded to residents who were alarmed by an intruder on their property.

Police officers arrived on the scene to find an extremely aggressive kangaroo and attempted to scare away the animal, without success.
“He jumped on my partner, kicked him unconscious to the floor and started humping him and attempted to mate with him,” Constable Pete Turnbull told reporters.

Constable Malcolm Rudd suffered from two cuts and a black eye as well as multiple concussions to the head after the kangaroo in heat attempted to mate with the officer’s head.

“He was humping and rubbing his penis all over my partner’s face in a brutal fashion. I had to tase the animal or else he would have killed him” Constable Pete Turnbull explained, visibly emotional.

It took several minutes before Constable Turnbull realized that his partner was in trouble as he was dealing with the residents who had called during the assault.

“When he was lying unconscious on the ground, it was dark and I thought his head was covered in blood. Thankfully, it was mostly kangaroo sperm,” Constable Turnbull told reporters in relief.

 

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Faux Report

Man Taken Into Custody After Telling Bar Patrons He Was WWE’s ‘The Undertaker,’ Tried To Tombstone The Bouncer

NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania – 

Mark Callaway, 46, was arrested on Thursday evening after he became drunk and belligerent at the Cap ‘N Cock bar in New Brighton, Pennsylvania. According to police reports, Callaway began telling other patrons that he was The Undertaker, a popular WWE wrestler, and was encouraging others to smash a chair off his back to prove it.

“When Mr. Callaway was asked to leave by security, he became enraged, and tried to perform a tombstone piledriver on the bouncer, which unfortunately injured both of them,” said police chief Carl Carpenter. “We arrived on scene along with an ambulance, and Callaway was transported to a local hospital.”

Carpenter says that had Callaway left on his own accord, he’d have been allowed to go home, but because of the assault, he will be facing up to 2 years in prison if the bar presses charges.

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Faux Report

Florida Millionaire Arrested After Authorities Discover Over 700 Bodies Buried In His Backyard

NAPLES, Florida – 

Jerry Richards, 73, was arrested this week at his home in Naples, Florida after a neighbor spotted him very obviously burying a body behind his house. When police arrested Richards, he admitted to having over 700 bodies buried throughout his property. Police have currently exhumed 587 bodies in varying stages of decay.

“Mr. Jerry Richards is likely the most prolific serial killer in history,” said Police Captain Robert Thomas of the Naples Police Department. “Based on the remains we have found so far, Richards has been murdering and burying bodies in his yard for over 35 years.”

According to public records, Richards purchased his Naples home in 1982, when he was 38-years-old. Richards came into money after his father, Carl Richards, left him a large inheritance, which he invested in both stocks and real estate. Upon his arrest, Richards net worth was well over $35 million.

Although the District Attorney believes the case to be “open and shut,” Richards has not yet stood before a judge to determine bail. With Richards’ excessive means, it’s likely he will be denied bail and forced to sit in jail awaiting sentencing. If convicted, Richards will likely be given the death penalty.

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Faux Report

MTV Announces Drastic Programming Change – They’re Going Back to Music Videos!

MTV Announces New Programming; Channel Will Show Music Videos Again

LOS ANGELES, California –

Viacom Networks, the parent company of MTV, VH1, Nickelodeon, and others, has announced a major programming change for one of their longest-running networks. MTV, which started in the early 80s as a station airing music videos and music-related programming such as interviews with musicians, stopped showing music videos well over a decade ago, and now focuses on reality programming.

“We have decided that nostalgia is the winner here,” said MTV Chairman Reed Morris. “The people have spoken – in fact, they’ve been speaking for years – and they want their MTV. So we have made the decision to remove all existing programming, and go back to our roots. We will begin showing music videos on our network beginning in August.”

It has been a long-running joke that MTV no longer showed any music videos, despite their name – “Music TV.” Many on the internet bashed the company for their change to reality shows, and have been begging for music videos ever since.

“The funny thing is, a channel dedicated to just music videos is completely irrelevant in this day and age,” said MTV superfan Ryan Rogers. “I mean, I miss the days of watching my favorite videos on TV, but even I think this is kind of dumb. I can just go to YouTube and look up whatever I want, any time I want. I don’t need MTV. But it’s still cool they’re willing to ruin their whole network just for the ‘fans’.”

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Faux Report

Investor and TV Star Mark Cuban Files for Bankruptcy After Series of Bad ‘Shark Tank’ Deals

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Investor and former billionaire Mark Cuban has filed for bankruptcy, after he says he made a series of bad business deals on Shark Tank. 

“Over the last two seasons, I’ve invested in about a dozen different businesses, and every single one of them failed,” said Cuban. “It’s absolutely the worst run of luck in my life. I’ve usually been a whole lot better at figuring out how to stay rich. This crippled me.”

Cuban, who made his fortune by perfectly timing the sale of an internet company before the bubble burst, has been an investor on the show Shark Tank since it began nearly 10 years ago. He is the first Shark to lose their fortune investing in the companies presented.

“I feel kind of bad for him, but not like, super bad or anything,” said Barbara Corcoran, another Shark. “Mark was worth more than the rest of the sharks combined, and it’s actually kind of nice to see a fall like this. It will probably give him a bit of humility. I have no doubt he’ll climb his way back up, but for now, I’m smiling a bit.”

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Faux Report

Man Dies After Being Bitten by Daddy Long Legs

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

As most people know, the Daddy Long Legs spider is the most venomous spider on the planet, but their fans are generally not sharp or strong enough to break the skin of most animals, including people. Apparently, no one told Christopher Moore, 32, who was killed after being bitten by the spider on Wednesday.

Moore, who was renovating a new home, was bitten early Wednesday morning, and ended up being rushed to the hospital. Because doctors had never seen the symptoms of a DLL bite before, they had no idea what was causing Moore’s illness. He was pronounced dead only 20 minutes after sustaining the bite.

During testing, doctors were able to discover the cause; it has since been classified as the first fatality from Daddy Long Legs.

“Craziest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Charles Milstead, who treated Moore. “He had very soft skin, I guess. Damn spider bit right through him, and he died in minutes. I’m still flabbergasted.”

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Faux Report

Mark Zuckerberg Steps Down As Facebook CEO Amid Stolen Information Controversy

PALO ALTO, California – 

Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced that he will be stepping down from the company, after allegations that he orchestrated his team to steal private information from site users, and resold it for millions.

“While I can neither confirm nor deny that I was a part of the stolen user data, it happened on my watch as CEO, and that’s not right,” said Zuckerberg. “Effective immediately, I am stepping down as the CEO of Facebook.”

When asked what his next plans were, Zuck was initially shy about answering, but was eventually persuaded to admit that he had his ambitions set on running the country in place of Facebook.

“Realistically, I was already running the country anyway,” said Zuckerberg. “Do you know anyone who isn’t on Facebook? Exactly. When you run the biggest website in the world that billions log onto every day, you’re basically running things, if you understand what I mean.”

Zuckerberg has not officially announced his candidacy, but sources close to him say he is “absolutely” planning a run in 2020.

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Faux Report

BREAKING: Donald Trump Secretly Hired Illegal Immigrants To Start Building Border Wall

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Top secret documents leaked to the press by a White House staffer showed that President Trump ordered the hiring of over 2,000 illegal immigrants to begin working on his border wall between Texas and Mexico. The documents, released to the press only hours ago, also stated that he was prepared to offer each worker upwards of $40 an hour.

“This is a goddamn outrage,” said construction worker Chris Thomas. “I have been bidding for the border wall job for nearly a year, and it’s the goddamn illegals that get the job? Isn’t the whole point of the wall to keep these sand people out of the fucking country?”

Trump released a statement on Twitter, stating that “all suspicion of illegals being used for labor at the border are false.” He went on to say that “Fake News” had struck again.

“I would never hire undocumented workers,” tweeted Trump. “The Fake News Media has struck again, and you’re all buying it. We don’t have any staffers in the WH that would leak that news, even if it were true.”

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Faux Report

Michael Jackson’s Father, Joe Jackson, Reported Dead…Again

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Joe Jackson, the extremely abusive father and former manager of The Jackson Five, died today. He was 89. Only last week, he was the “victim” of a death hoax after he was reportedly hospitalized with advance-stage cancer. His family refuted the claims last week, but have now since stated that yeah, the guy is finally, and thankfully, dead.

The Jackson family made a public announcement about the death of the Patriach, stating that “We really aren’t affected by his death,” with at least one family member quoted as saying “good riddance.”

“Honestly, the guy was a royal prick, and everyone knew that,” said one of the Jackson clan, speaking anonymously so as not to “make waves” throughout the family. “Everyone has seen The Jacksons: An American Dream. God knows VH1 has been airing it for decades. He was a cold-blooded bastard who beat the kids regularly, especially Michael. Did he push everyone to become better performers? Maybe, sure. But not the expense of having a life, and of love.”

Joe Jackson will be remembered my some, and forgotten by most. His family says that in lieu of flowers, please send worn leather belts and broken tree branches in remembrance.

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World Cup Has Lowest Ratings in History as People Discover How Much Soccer Sucks

RUSSIA – 

As the World Cup championship gets underway, the TV ratings for the sport have dwindled to record lows, with only approximately 1 out of every 3 million homes tuning in. Despite marketing the event all over the world, FIFA has said they are “really upset” by the numbers.

“We depend on people to watch the games from home, because the ad revenue is what we live off of the next 4 years before the next Cup,” said spokesman Ron Pele. “The ad revenue this year, we’re…well, it’s beans and franks the next four years. No one is watching.”

“Honestly, I only ever watched the Cup because it’s all the was on before I had cable,” said former soccer fan Mario Bluth. “Now that I have Netflix and stuff, why the hell would I watch soccer? They’re a bunch of pussies.”

Numbers outside of the United States and Canada have also dwindled to record lows, with FIFA saying that it’s possible they may need to cancel TV presentation of future events.

“This TV time isn’t cheap, and sponsors are calling us with threats to pull ads left and right,” said Pele. “This is really, really bad for the sport of soccer. Or Football. Whatever you call it. Who cares?”

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Faux Report

Frito-Lay Announces New, Mega-Sized Doritos Chips

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Frito-Lay, the company who manufactures Doritos-brand tortilla chips, has announced that they have plans to make an excessively large chip, with plans to release it later this summer.

“After a viral meme caught our attention, relating the name ‘Dorito’ to meaning ‘little Doro,’ in Spanish, and surmising that must mean that somewhere out there are ‘large Doros,’ we decided to give the public exactly what they want,” said Frito-Lay spokesman Mario Rogers. “We will be unveiling the DoroXL by the end of the summer, with chips that are roughly the size of the current Party Bag of Doritos.”

The company says this is the first time they’ve ever turned an internet joke into an actual product, but they believe it will sell very well.

“With the success of our Doritos-Locos tacos at Taco Bell with stoners and alcoholics, there is no way that this product can fail,” said Rogers. “We are very excited for everyone to see these new chips. They’re literally the size of your head.”

The product will come in the original nacho cheese and “Cool Ranch” flavor to start, and Rogers says that – sales figures depending – the company may release other popular flavors in the DoroXL brand.

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World’s Oldest Woman – Who Drank a Glass of Formaldehyde Every Day For 60 Years – Dies At Age 187

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

The oldest living person in history, Bertha Flake, has died at 187.

Flake, who was born in 1831, has been listed as the oldest living person in the Guinness World Records book since 1955, when she turned 124. At that point doctors thought that she would not have much longer to live, but after meeting with a “mystic” in 1957, Flake began to see her health improve.

The mystic told Flake to begin drinking filtered formaldehyde each day before eating her normal breakfast. Despite doctors warning her that it would kill her, Flake began the regimen, and lived another 60 years.

“It tastes horrible, but it’s clearly working,” said Flake last year on her 186th birthday. No one thought I would live this long. I didn’t even know it was medically possible, but here I am, still kicking, still going strong. I hope I live to see 200, but at this point, I’ve lived 2 or 3 lifetimes, and I can’t say that I haven’t seen and done it all. If I did next year though, I hope it’s in a hail of police bullets. Nothing like pulling a 187 on a motherfuckin’ cop, right?”

Flake was married 6 times in her life, and claims that she had even slept with many famous figures in history, including Charlie Chaplin and Josef Stalin.

Doctors are examining her remains and plan to release their findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.

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