Tag Archives: pregnant

Faux Report

Woman Gets Pregnant After Sleeping at Hotel With Dirty Sheets

MIAMI, Florida –

A woman in Florida says she got pregnant on a business trip to Boston last month, claiming that the hotel never changed the sheets on the bed, and there must have been “ejaculate” on them.

Penny Simon, 28, travelled to Boston for a sales convention, and said that the Hilton she stayed at was “super dirty,” and even though she complained, she thinks they didn’t change the sheets on her bed, and that semen left in the bed from a previous visitor got her pregnant.

“It’s crazy, really, and I feel so bad for her,” said Chris Simon, 29, Penny’s husband. “She’s very conflicted. We’re not an abortion household, but at the same time, the baby isn’t mine, and she’s saying she doesn’t know what to do. I really don’t want to raise another man’s child, but we’ve been trying for 4 years to get pregnant, and she hasn’t been able to. I will raise this baby as my own if that’s what God wants. I just hope the hotel knows that we are suing them for mental anguish. This is disgusting!”

Empire News spoke to Mary Rogers, who works the front desk at the Hilton in Boston where Penny stayed.

“The rooms are very clean, and this hotel was only a week old at the time the guest you mentioned stayed,” said Rogers. “No one had ever been in that room before. Although I was on staff the two nights Ms. Simon stayed here, and watched her bring up at least 3 different men from the hotel bar over the course of 4 hours, so if I had to guess how she got pregnant, I think that answers it.”

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Faux Report

New Breed of Mosquito Has Been Found To Impregnate Women After Biting

PALM BEACH, Florida – 

The U.S. government warn of three cases in Florida of people affected by the so-called “mosquito chirulí,” able to make a woman pregnant with just a single bite. The cases have been located in Miami, Tallahassee, and Palm Beach. and those affected have been quarantined while the cases are investigated.

The existence of this mosquito was known at the end of 2016 in Uganda and Kenya, but never before have there been cases outside these countries. It is a mosquito that has mutated and is able to impregnate a women via a very specific set of circumstances, one that requires no sperm to fertilize the ovum in fertile women. There is information that this mosquito has been responsible for more than 2,000 pregnancies in Africa.

It is unknown how it was possible for the “chirulí mosquito” to reach the United States, but the authorities are already taking the necessary measures to prevent more cases from occurring. An appeal is made to all women of childbearing age who feel the bite of a mosquito to go immediately to their doctor to receive the Plan B, morning after pill.

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Faux Report

Want Your Baby To Have Beautiful Green Eyes? Eat Your Boogers During Pregnancy

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

It all started as a simple thread in a well-known Spanish forum called “forocoches,” where someone posted the following question: “If I eat snot, will my children have green eyes?”

The post went viral around the world generating discussion. That’s why researchers at Harvard University in Boston, Massachusetts decided to study the effect – expecting to find no correlation. Their findings turned out to be extremely surprising.

They concluded that swallowing snot increases 80% the chances of green eyes for the baby.

“Believe it or not, we already knew about some benefits of eating your own boogers,” said Dr. Sam Not, who headed up the research. “It actually has health benefits, including boosting your immune system. What we didn’t know was that it directly correlated to eye color in the fetus of a pregnant woman. Our findings were astounding.”

Unfortunately, the news broke quite quickly, and has since become viral on social media. With doctors advocating for snot eating, many mothers-to-be are asking the really tough questions, such as “does snot contain gluten?” and ”If I’m a vegan, can I eat my snot?”

“Sorry to say, that medical science has not quite caught up to those questions yet,” said Dr. Not.

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Faux Report

Uber Driver Refuses To Pick Up Woman In Labor, Didn’t Want To Help Deliver Baby

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana – 

An Uber driver in Indianapolis is being sued by a couple who had to deliver their baby on the street after they say the driver would not let them into his car.

“We ordered an Uber as soon as my wife went into labor, and when the driver showed up, late I might add, he wouldn’t take us to the hospital. He didn’t want to get any ‘baby gunk’ on his seats, and said he wouldn’t know what to do if he had to try and deliver the baby,” said John Richards. “My wife gave birth right on the sidewalk instead. Our baby could have caught something from the street filth!”

The driver, Mr. Tony Trims, says that there was “no fucking way” he was letting these people into his car when he saw that the woman was in labor.

“Look, I ain’t saying they’re bad people or nothing, but for sure she was gonna leak on my seats. Part of the Uber policy is that I don’t have to pick up anyone if I don’t want to. I took the job, yeah, but the next guy would have been along in about a minute,” said Trims. “They spent that time bitchin’ at me instead of ordering another Uber. Not my problem.”

The lawsuit has been filed by the Richards family, and they say that their lawyer thinks they have a “hell of” a discrimination case.

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Faux Report

Casey Anthony Reportedly Pregnant – With Twins!

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According to National Report, Casey Anthony, the woman famously acquitted in 2011 of murdering her daughter Caylee, is confirmed to be pregnant again. This time with twins.

 Previous reports on Anthony’s lifestyle in the three years since she was released from prison have described her as being withdrawn, and living like a hermit. Anthony filed for bankruptcy in 2013, claiming to be unemployed and possessing no source of income. She met with agents and publishers in New York last year, hoping to cash in on her notoriety by writing a book but was unable to close a deal. Casey currently appears to live off of a few benefactors who reportedly pay for all of her living expenses. But the days of needing to live off of others may soon be coming to a close for Anthony.

Casey’s New York agent, Jeremy Nieven, confirms that she is indeed four months pregnant with twins, and that she has signed a contract for an initial six episode reality television series that will showcase her pregnancy and subsequently her babies.

 “She wants to redeem herself in the eyes of America”, stated Nieven. “Did she make mistakes? Absolutely! But this is the U.S.A., everyone can get a second chance here. And let’s not forget that Casey was found innocent of the charges against her. She was released. She is a free woman now, and this show is going to allow her to make a great life for her new little angels.”

But can people forget Casey Anthony’s actions? Many critics have claimed that Anthony’s acquittal resulted from a flawed prosecution, not from an actual lack of guilt. Can America forget that this woman partied it up at the clubs while hiding the fact that her two-year old daughter decomposed in the woods close to her family home? Can they forget the lies, the evasions and distortions that so easily came from her mouth? Apparently television executives say yes. Her notoriety translates to interest, and interest can translate to ratings.

Casey’s agent refused to disclose the name of the network that had contracted with her for the reality series, saying that a press release was scheduled in September to break the show. Nieven did confirm that the show would be aired on one of the larger cable channels.

Many people have reacted with disgust to the fact that Casey Anthony is pregnant again, and protests and calls for a boycott of the show is almost a certainty. But the real question is whether Americans will watch? Somewhere, someone in television is betting on yes. And Casey Anthony stands to make a lot of money from their bet.

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Faux Report

Woman Says She Got Pregnant After Sitting On Target Store Bathroom Toilet

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JACKMAN, Mississippi – 

Roberta Jones, 33, says that she got pregnant a few weeks ago after visiting a local Target store and using their bathroom.

“I saw a man coming out as I was going in, but I didn’t think nothing of it,” said Jones, a cashier at a grocery store. “I thought he musta walked in there by mistake. It’s happened to us all at one point or another. But then when I used the bathroom, I did notice that there was something sticky and nasty on the seat when I sat down. I knew I shoulda hovered.”

Jones says that a few weeks later, she took a home pregnancy test, and it confirmed that she was carrying a baby.

“I haven’t had sex in over a year, and when I thought back about it, I knew it had to be that toilet. I think that man done jerked himself off in there, like a creeper, and left his little babies all over the seat,” said Jones. “Some of ’em must have flowed up in me when I was peeing. It’s nasty. But God says I can’t abort the baby, so here I go again.”

Police say they are working with the Target store security team to review footage and locate the now-expectant father.

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Faux Report

Woman Claims Defective Vibrator Got Her Pregnant

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GREENVALE, Georgia – 

A young woman from Georgia claims she found herself pregnant after using a faulty vibrator. Kristy Richards, 28, claims she has fallen victim to a mechanical failure of the device that was recently bought off the internet.

“I was starting to use my new toy when it made a strange noise, and then it started shaking like crazy,” said Richards. “It felt like I had jackhammer between my legs! I managed to take it out just as it was spurting white goo all over the place. I found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks later. Thankfully, actually, as my boyfriend is sterile and we were not able to have children otherwise.”

Anthony Richards, 30, admits he was devastated by the news at first, but is now happy with the situation.

“My first thought was that she had cheated on me, but when she told me that her vibrator was defective, I breathed a sigh of relief,” he told reporters. “We were not expecting this, but God obviously had different plans for us.”

The couple originally considered suing the manufacturer of the sex toy, but changed their minds when they realized that their every prayer had been answered by the defect.

“Of course we did not anticipate raising a child so soon into our relationship, so that’s a downfall. Plus, there are people in his family who want me to get a DNA test, because they still think I cheated. That’s dumb! I would never do such a thing. We all know it was the defective toy that got me pregnant.”

The couple say that they are “extremely relieved” that they no longer have to worry about expensive fertility treatments.

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Faux Report

Hood Rat Gives Birth To Full-Grown, Adult Gangbanger

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COMPTON, California – 

La’La Brown, 20, shocked doctors last week when she gave birth to a full-grown man. Brown’s son, Ja’ma-al, was born at 63″ and weighed 192 pounds. He came out with a full head of hair, a do-rag, and a pistol.

“Giving birth to a full-grown man was hard enough, but to learn that he came out flying different colors, that’s going to be the hardest thing to deal with,” said Brown, who is part of the 3rd Street Mafia, a local gang. Her son is apparently already an active member in the Kobras, a rival gang. “I honestly don’t know whether I should love him, or shoot him.”

Doctors say that Brown had, for some reason, had a gestational period that was about 4 times as long as a normal woman, and that her baby grew about 15 times the normal size.

“I’ve never seen anything like it, to be honest,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Compton Central Hospital. “It’s really and truly a first for the medical community.”

“Look, most important thing is that I still get my food stamps and the welfare check for this baby,” said Brown. “It don’t matter none that he’s a man. He still just came out my hoo-ha and I get another 18 years before this baby stops earning me a check.”

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Faux Report

Woman Takes Testosterone Supplements While Pregnant To Make Baby More ‘Manly’

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TORONTO, Canada –

Tragically, Kathy Martin did not know the consequences or seek a doctor’s advice before taking testosterone supplements while pregnant. She says her husband, Dave, encouraged her to take them so their baby boy would be more masculine than their first child.

Their newborn son was delivered 5 weeks premature, suffering from severe birth defects. Androgen supplements are considered a class D drug and should obviously never be used during pregnancy.

“We just didn’t want another little flamer like the last one,” says David, who is facing criminal charges for supplying the supplements to his wife after purchasing them illegally over the internet. “Don’t get me wrong, we love our oldest son, but at four years old you can already see the he is afflicted with the disease of faggotry. He says his favorite color is pink and his favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. That’s not the son I wanted, but yeah, we love him. He’s from my loins, unfortunately.”

Kathy says, “As a good Christian woman it is my responsibility to honor and obey my husband without question. He assured me there would be no risks to the baby, and that the mustache I grew would surely fall right off after the baby was born.”

Both parents are being investigated by child protective services as well as local police.

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Faux Report

Pregnant Woman Severely Beaten While Out At Bar

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TOLEDO, Ohio – 

Danielle Pierce was at a bar Sunday evening for a friend’s birthday when she was reportedly approached by another woman, Karley Stephenson, who accused Pierce of drinking. The altercation became heated after Pierce told Stephenson to “mind her own business,” and tried to walk away.

Pierce says she told Stephenson she was only drinking Coke and grenadine. “I told that psycho, ‘I’m eight months pregnant. I ain’t drinking,’ but she still came at me. She knocked the drink out of my hand, and it went all down the front of my shirt. Then she got nasty.”

After knocking the drink out of Pierce’s hand, Stephenson reportedly grabbed Pierce by the hair, and proceed to hit her in the face with a beer bottle until it shattered.

Security staff detained Stephenson until police arrived, and Pierce was brought by rescue to a local hospital. Doctors say she will likely have permanent disfiguring scars on her face from the attack. Stephenson has refused to apologize for the incident, saying, “She shouldn’t have been at the bar. You don’t go out drinking when you’re pregnant. If she wasn’t there, this wouldn’t have happened to her.”

Doctors say Stephenson’s baby was not harmed in the attack.

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Faux Report

Teen Gives Birth To Eleven Babies, Claims She’s Never Even Had Sex

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JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A 17-year-old girl gave birth to a record-setting eleven babies on Wednesday evening, smashing the previous record of 8. Mary Lambert of Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, says that she was not taking any fertility drugs before she got pregnant, and that she doesn’t even know how she became pregnant in the first place.

“My boyfriend and I have never had sex before,” said Lambert, whose father, George, stood nearby. “We have been dating since I was 14 and he was 15, but we’ve never done anything before, not even kissing.”

Doctors say that having eleven babies at once was something they’d never seen before, and dealing with delivery was extremely difficult.

“You ever see those old movies or shows where a clown gets out of a car, and then another clown, and another, and soon you have a whole fleet of clowns that just stepped out of this tiny car? That’s what delivering these babies was like,” said Doctor Eugene Banks. “It’s like this girl’s vagina was a very weird clown car.”

According to Dr. Banks, though, there is no way that Lambert has never had sex.

“Of course she’s had sex. She’s a 17-year-old girl with a boyfriend who just gave birth, naturally I might add, to eleven babies,” said Dr. Banks. “How else does she think she got pregnant?”

“My daughter is a good girl, and if she says she’s never had sex, then she’s never had sex,” said George Lambert. “Just like the virgin mother gave birth to baby Jesus so many years ago, so too is my daughter a virgin Mary. Of course, I only wish God could have sent just one baby. Eleven is a little much.”

 

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Faux Report

Tree That Resembles Nude Woman Will Reportedly Get You Pregnant If You Touch It

tree

BILLINGS, North Carolina – 

A tree that has stood in the Westfield Park in Billings, North Carolina for over 80 years is reportedly one of the most incredible trees in the world. While most trees just give life through oxygen, this specific tree can apparently give a completely different kind of life, as women who have visited and touched the tree have reported immediate instance of pregnancy.

“It was the strangest thing, honestly,” said Marsha Smith, 22. “My boyfriend and I visited the tree, and we were sitting underneath. He commented how crazy it was that it looked like a nude woman, and that he was strangely turned on by it. One thing lead to another, and we went at it right there under the tree. Anyway, before we left, I walked over and put my hand on the tree, and a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant!”

Other women have also reported that they too were impregnated by the tree, which locals have dubbed “The Tree of Life.”

“I went up to the Tree of Life, and I touched her and said a silent prayer that maybe I could get pregnant,” said Eileen Dover, 24. “My husband and I had been trying for over a year, and no go. I went home that day and felt a little ill, so I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. My husband and I hadn’t had sex in like a week, so I know it wasn’t him that got me pregnant. Sperm doesn’t last that long in your body, so it was truly a miracle!”

Researchers say that the tree itself is probably not magical in any way, and that women just need to better understand how babies are made.

 

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