Tag Archives: target

Faux Report

Woman Says She Got Pregnant After Sitting On Target Store Bathroom Toilet

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JACKMAN, Mississippi – 

Roberta Jones, 33, says that she got pregnant a few weeks ago after visiting a local Target store and using their bathroom.

“I saw a man coming out as I was going in, but I didn’t think nothing of it,” said Jones, a cashier at a grocery store. “I thought he musta walked in there by mistake. It’s happened to us all at one point or another. But then when I used the bathroom, I did notice that there was something sticky and nasty on the seat when I sat down. I knew I shoulda hovered.”

Jones says that a few weeks later, she took a home pregnancy test, and it confirmed that she was carrying a baby.

“I haven’t had sex in over a year, and when I thought back about it, I knew it had to be that toilet. I think that man done jerked himself off in there, like a creeper, and left his little babies all over the seat,” said Jones. “Some of ’em must have flowed up in me when I was peeing. It’s nasty. But God says I can’t abort the baby, so here I go again.”

Police say they are working with the Target store security team to review footage and locate the now-expectant father.

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Faux Report

Target To Add ‘Gender Fluid’ Bathrooms To All Stores

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CARSON, Georgia –

Target has announced that they plan to add a gender-fluid bathroom to every store in the United States, after a boycott cost the company over $14 million in sales in only a week’s time. The company says that making it public that they allowed transgender people to use whatever bathroom they were most comfortable with while shopping in Target stores caused an outrage, and a new change had to be made.

“Despite the fact that there has never, ever been a law about who can use what bathroom when out in public, we thought were were doing the right thing when we announced that we wanted every shopper to use the bathroom the identified with. Boy, were we wrong,” said Target spokesman George Michaels. “You see, a man can go into a ladies room if he wants, or vice-versa. There is literally no law anywhere in the country that says that they can’t. It’s societal norms that dictate this stuff, not laws. We just wanted to make a point, and we lost millions because of it.”

As such, the company says they will now be adding “gender fluid” or “gender neutral” bathrooms to all stores, so that a person – no matter how they identify – can use the bathroom in piece. All the bathrooms will be single-use only, allowing only one person in at a time.

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Faux Report

Donald Trump Says That ‘Trannies Don’t Need To Use Public Bathrooms’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After a wildly public debate about transgender bathroom laws breaking out all over the country, Donald Trump has apparently chimed in on the issue after hearing about a recent boycott of Target, who are allowing people to use whichever bathroom they choose based on how they self-identify.

“Trannies don’t need to use the bathroom in Target, in public, or anywhere other than their own home,” said Trump to a gaggle of supporters. “If a man wants to use the women’s bathroom, then whatever. I’ve had to run into the women’s room when the men’s was filled. What are you going to do? But some nasty halfie, some man in a dress, pretending to be a woman? That’s disgusting, and should definitely not be allowed.”

Naturally, the LGBTQ community reacted in outrage do Trump’s comments, despite it not being even slightly out of the ordinary that he would believe something like that. A new trending topic on Twitter, #BoycottTrump, replaced the previous #BoycottTarget within an hour.

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