Tag Archives: Faux Report

Faux Report

New Study Finds That Most Probiotics Don’t Do Anything To Aid Health, Digestion

probiotics

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Most of the strains of probiotics out there do nothing to improve digestive health according to a recent product study, but the claim of digestive health is so common thanks to lax FDA rules on medical claims; Most strains on the market are completely ineffective or at least not proven effective.

UCLA researcher Adrienne Labrosse says they have found most probiotics tested have little to no effect. They may not even have live bacteria by the time the consumer uses the product.

“Unless you have your own petri dish and microscope at home, there’s no way to tell what you’re ingesting even has live cultures. The FDA does not require the strains to be listed, so it is difficult for the consumer to tell the difference between one probiotic and the next, and there are hundreds of different species,” said Labrosse. “Even researchers are unsure what strain does what in the digestive process. They know there is naturally occurring bacteria in the gut, and assume it helps digestion, but at this point it’s mostly a bunch of speculation.”

Probiotic user Deborah Nutter insists she has seen improvements in her health and will continue using these products. “I love my microscopic little friends. I like to thank them by name as I eat them. Thank you, Mr. Lactobacilli. I love you, little L Plantarum. I love those guys. They make my tummy so happy, and my shits are as regular as a baby’s.”

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Faux Report

Woman Arrested After Spanking Her 28-Year-Old Daughter Over Her Parenting Techniques

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ATLANTA, Georgia –

Karen Stillwell, 52, was arrested after spanking her 28-year-old daughter, Renee Stillwell who allergy spanked her two year old unjustly. Karen Stillwell told local news, “She spanked that precious little baby, so I gave her a little slap on the behind to show her how it feels.”

Renee had a neighbor photograph pictures of the handprint on her behind and then called the police. “It wasn’t a little spanking. She tackled me to the ground and whacked me repeatedly,” said Renee Stillwell. “I’m not going to take that kind of abuse, especially not from my psycho mother. She hit me enough growing up. The only person who gets to hit me like that is my husband, but really, only if he’s a good boy and I don’t have a headache.”

When asked if she spanked her daughter as a child, Stillwell said she did, but only with good reason. “She was a willful little brat, always trying to get into my candy stash and her dad’s potato sticks. She deserved it. My grandson, that sweet little angel didn’t deserve it. He was just being mouthy, calling his mother a ‘fucking bitch,’ which, sad to say about my own daughter, is entirely true. It’s easy to see it’s a completely different situation.”

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Faux Report

‘Zombie Man’ Bites Police Officer, Facing Life In Prison

zombie

CINCINNATI, Ohio – 

John Thomer, 28, dressed as a zombie, was arrested outside the courthouse where a hearing was held for the man charged with violating zoning rules for his zombie nativity scene last month, Jasen Dixon. Thomer was initially arrested for growling into a megaphone and interrupting the Dixon’s trial.

Thomer’s sentence of three days in jail has now been extended indefinitely after assaulting one of the corrections officers in what he claims was a “joke gone wrong.” He is expected to be transferred from Hamilton Country Jail to Cincinnati State Penitentiary as soon as he is railroaded through the justice system by the DA, a subpar public defender, and a judge who will likely not see this as a good-natured joke.

Corrections Officer Royce Beaulac says, “That nutcase couldn’t behave himself for three days. Guess he really wanted an Ohio State Butt Rape special!”

Thomer explains: “It was a joke. A love-bite really. Some of the make-up I used wouldn’t come off. He’d been making fun of me, but jokingly ya know, so I playfully lunged at him, saying ‘Brains! In retrospect, I see that was a mistake, and it was obvious the officer had no brains whatsoever.”

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Faux Report

National Garbage Tax Coming In 2016

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Garbage is America’s biggest export, and soon taxpayers will be expected to foot the bill. New measures will include a garbage bag tax, as well as additional taxes on products that exceed a certain amount of packaging, which will be passed along to consumers who buy the products.

Economist Allon Ardon says this will damage the economy. “I’m very concerned about the economic impacts we will see as a result of this new tax. The American economy is based upon being able to throw things away with no second thoughts. People may actually start donating unwanted goods to charity or re-using trash. This could be disastrous.”

Hoarders will benefit from this bill, receiving a tax credit of up to $3,000, with documentation that they are collecting trash.

Ardon says, “They trash isn’t the problem. Exporting it is. We need to get create with managing our garbage.”

Hoarder Bill Willis says that he is now “extremely grateful” for all the junk he’s collected over the years.

“My tax guy says that next year I’ll get a big fat check thanks to all the shit I’ve had socked away all these years,” said Willis. “It’s really something else. I only wish my bitch ex-wife were still around to see me gloat. She told me that my stuff was worthless, we’ll screw you, Debbie!”

 

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Faux Report

Mainers Demand Governor’s Impeachment; Lepage Says, ‘They’re Lazy and Retarded’

lepage

AUGUSTA, Maine –

“We want him kicked out of office!” A recent poll showed that 95% of Maine citizens think impeachment means to kick a politician out of office, while in actuality it means to charge with misconduct, treason, or crimes against the state.

Protester Ashely Poulot says, “He’s a douche. We should impeach him. It’s as simple as that.”

Governor Lepage says of that this movement is a result of the tougher welfare laws he helped put into place in Maine.

“Almost a third of the people in this state are on welfare. Guess what? They’re too lazy to work, and they’re certainly are not going to make an effort to get off the couch to vote or do anything!” claimed LePage. “Sure, there are a few loonies freezing their tail feathers off outside the capital, but in the words of the great Bernie Mac, ‘I ain’t scared.’ Those retards standing there protesting in 2 degree weather are the exception, not the rule.”

LePage is currently on the campaign trail in support of Chris Christie for some reason.

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Washington D.C. Tourist Board To Give Free Weed As Incentive To Visit City

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Tourism at the nation’s capital is on the decline, and the Washington D.C. Tourism Board plans to do something about it. Since Initiative 71 was passed in November of 2015, it is now legal in the nation’s capital to give marijuana as a gift. Each tourist will be able to go to stop by locations such as Destination DC for up to a free gram of marijuana.

“The decline in tourism has been linked to a major decline in patriotism, and a new generation who wants more out of their vacation than lame selfies in front of the Lincoln Monument,” said Mark Long, director of tourism for the city. “It’s just not going to do it for kids today. We’ve surveyed hundreds of teenagers about whether they would be interested in going to D.C. someday. 4 out of 5 said no, and 1 out of 5 just rolled their eyes and refused to respond completely.”

“Look how well Colorado is doing. We need to attract that young stoner crowd. Washington has quite the night life- plenty of things for young hipsters to do,” said Washington D.C. resident and stoner Kyle Reese. “They may find our monuments and attractions boring while sober, but a little pot and everything’s more fun!”

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Subliminal Messages Found in Beatles Tracks on Spotify

spotify

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin – 

According to Illuminati watchdogs, Spotify didn’t just release the Beatles back-catalog to make some money, they did it to mess with your mind.

“A subliminal message can be overlain with music so it is inaudible to the conscious mind, but still has an effect on the subconscious,” said professor John Gold at Boston’s Harvard College. “The actual effectiveness of subliminal advertising is in question, but according to conspiracy theorists, that’s just what they want you to think. In fact it is very effective, used in advertisements and propaganda all the time.”

Burnt out old hippie Harry Brown warns, “As tempting as it is to tune in, don’t do it. Big brother just wants to keep you pacified. Think about it. Everyone likes the Beatles. Almost everyone has Spotify. If I was trying to control the population, that’s what I’d do. They just want everyone to be mindless little sheep. But hell no, man. Not me. That’s why I’m sticking with my vinyl, man. Face it, MP3 sound will never be as real. You gotta stay real no matter what you do.”

Spotify did not comment on the Beatles subliminal messaging, but it has been noted that subscriptions to the paid service have gone up substantially since the catalog was released on Christmas eve.

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President Obama Arrested For Drunk Driving Returning From New Year’s Eve Party

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to police reports, President Barack Obama was arrested for drunk driving on his way back to the White House from a New Year’s Eve party in Baltimore.

The president, who normally is driven by secret service members, apparently become severely intoxicated at the home of a family friend, and snuck away from his bodyguards by climbing out of a bathroom window.

“The President jumped from a second story window after throwing up in the [unnamed friend’s] bathtub, and stole a car from their garage,” said police chief John Wiggin. “When he was pulled over, he had a blood-alcohol level of 2.0, and was driving 95mph down the wrong side of the road. He’s insanely lucky no one was hurt.”

The incident took place at approximately 7pm, and the President was reportedly sleeping it off in a Washington, D.C. jail cell. Police say it is highly likely the Obama will pardon himself of his crimes, as he has done several times during his presidency.

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M&M Mars Say They Plan To Release New W&W Candies In 2016

Ws

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

The M&M-Mars Candy company, who are best known for their little chocolates that “melt in your mouth, not in your hand,” say that they are planning a new line of candies that will be released in 2016, called W&Ws.

“We have been making M&M candies for the better part of 100 years, and we’ve done little to change the product, except to add new things inside,” said company spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Now, we’ve decided that we are going to shake things up, and add an entirely new product to our line. The W&W candies will be very similar to M&Ms, to the point that most people won’t tell or taste a difference. The only thing is, they will be branded with little Ws on each candy.”

Goldsmith says that the new W&W line is something the company has been working on for quite some time, but were waiting for the proper time to reveal.

“We think now, in this day and age, is the time to really push forth, and break new ground,” said Goldsmith. “We’ve always been forward thinkers and M&M, and now we’re going to prove it.”

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Marvel’s New ‘Deadpool’ Movie Given PG-13 Rating

deadpool

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Although trailers and comments from the cast and crew would lead many to believe that the new Marvel film Deadpool, which is set to hit theatres in February, would be getting an R-rating, it seems that the MPAA had other plans.

After watching the film, the group – who are responsible for the film ratings of every movie released – gave the movie a mild PG-13 rating.

“We are really, really shocked that we got a PG-13,” said the film’s star, Ryan Reynolds. “We were going for a hard R-rating. There is blood, guts, nudity, sexual content, and about a thousand uses of the word ‘fuck.’ It’s mind boggling.”

According the the MPAA, they didn’t find that the film fit with their R-rated policy, which as anyone who has ever seen a movie can tell you, is not exactly set-in-stone.

“Normally, you can’t really get by with more than maybe one F-bomb in a film without getting the R-rating,” said MPAA spokesman Gerry Lyons. “In this case, though, we felt the film really didn’t encompass anything that would get it the harder, more ‘adult’ rating. Plus, it’s a comic book movie, so how harsh could it really be, right?”

 

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Pubic Hair Growing, Styling Becomes Latest Trend Among Hollywood Celebrities

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Bush is back in a big way, although not so much when it comes to Presidential candidates. This bush, though, proves everything comes back in style – even pubic hair.

Fashionista Stella Stennett says she heard about the trend from her gay best friend. “My New Year’s resolution is to be more fashion forward, so I went right out and got a weave. I told all the girls at the salon, ‘Don’t get Brazilian. You’ll regret it!” said Stennett. “I am going to get so much dick in 2016.”

Adriano Mondolo, a fashion designer in Los Angeles, says to expect 2016 fashions to accentuate the pubic region. “Forget the bikini waxes, girls. It’s going to be all about glamming out that lady garden. Style it, shape it, dye it, bedazzle it, girlfriend!”

Many celebrities, including Jennifer Lawrence, Betty White, Megan Fox, and Chris Pratt, say that they have all let their pubes grow back after keeping their area clean for years. According to Fox, she’s even dyed hers a bright pink, so as to be more noticeable in certain outfits.

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Academy Plans To Expand Oscar Ceremony To 10 Hours In 2016

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating 'Old White Men' For Oscars

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

If you’ve been waiting patiently for 2016 so you can watch your favorite films win an Oscar in the ceremony, you best be prepared to settle in for a long night.

According to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the group behind the Oscars, they have expanded the length of the telecast and ceremony from approximately 3 hours to over 10.

“The problem is, we have a lot of awards that we like to give away, and we have a lot of long-winded speeches that we normally have to cut off,” said Academy president Joel Mitchell. “This year, we decided that we didn’t want to cut down any time at all. What you will watch will be exactly what they see in the audience, and even better, no one will have to have their speech time cut down.”

“This is incredible, really, to me,” said previous Oscar winner Quentin Tarantino. “As people know, I like to talk, and when I won my Oscar, I would have loved to give more unnecessary opinions on things that don’t matter, and now, going forward, whoever wins will also have that opportunity. It’s really fantastic. I hope I’m nominated again this year. Even more, I hope I win!”

The Academy also says that they will be upping the nominees for best picture from 10 to 40.

“It may make it more difficult for people to decide, but in the end, this is really just a way for Hollywood to jerk itself off for one night each year,” said Mitchell.

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First Contact: New Images from Voyager Satellite Prove Alien Existence

aliens

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

Voyager I has made contact with aliens, and they do not seem to have the capacity to understand human affairs. Scientists have analyzed the images and determined the beings are definitely animal-like in nature, although It cannot be confirmed whether they have souls. They sit atop what geologists suspect to be a rich oil deposit, and they hope to relocate the oil to Earth.

World leaders agree that the next step for humanity. is to invest in this venture.

“We’re all going to be rich! Rolexes and expensive cheeses for all!” said scientist George Miller Jr. “I cannot wait. We’ve finally made contact, and we are at this moment planning on a way to rape and pillage these aliens in much the same way that we raped the indigenous peoples here.”

Newly forming special interest groups for the creatures discovered by the Voyager satellite warn that “They’re just going to exploit their resources and drive them off like they did our own indigenous people.”

The daughter of a NASA official leaked the inside information. “They are so on their own little world, no knowledge of interstellar matters. Totally like, clueless. Daddy says we can send rockets there to start drilling, and my baby’s baby will be rich when they come back. I can’t wait.”

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AMC Says Next Season of ‘The Walking Dead’ Will Be Show’s Last

thwalkingdead

LOS ANGELES, California – 

AMC, the channel behind the hit show The Walking Dead, says that the next season, which is the second-half of season 6, returning February, will be the last.

“Frankly, the show has gotten stale,” said showrunner Mark Lyons. “When we started this show, it was all people talked about, and now, it’s gone a little downhill. We started noticing it when people would post spoilers about characters or deaths on their social media pages, and no one even complained about it. When that starts happening, you know it’s time.”

Actors on the show say that they are “relieved” that the show will not be getting picked up for another season, because they’ve all gotten “pretty damn sick” of playing out the same storylines over and over again.

“There only so much walking, talking, and zombie killing you can really do before the audience gets bored, and before the actors get bored,” said star Norman Reedus. “Frankly, I hope that Darryl does die. At least now I know no one will riot, because no one is even really watching the show. I’ll be happier going back to movies, anyway. Boondock Saints 3 is on my horizon, and I can’t wait.”

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