Faux Report

Hilary Clinton Leaks Classified Info about Extra Terrestrials

Hillary Clinton Insisting Staff Refer To Her As 'Mrs. President'

CONWAY, New Hampshire – 

Hilary Clinton said recently that aliens “may be real,” and research into her comments have uncovered some extreme news. According to The Conway Daily Sun, a small, relatively unknown newspaper in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, Hilary promised to “get to the bottom of the area 51 thing” as far back as 2007. It now appears that she, in fact, did, as it has been uncovered that beings from another world are now actually financing her campaign.

While many see Hilary Clinton’s comments as a joke, conspiracy theorists are going wild over the leak. John Podesta, former White House Chief of Staff, has been pursuing disclosure for over a decade and has been insisting “the truth is out there,” even suggesting that actress Lena Dunham “ask Hilary about aliens” in her interview.

Podesta says the real reason for the cover up is campaign funding. They don’t want to disclose how much money Extraterrestrials have donated to their campaign, since officially it is not legal for them to accept funds from out of this world.

Candidate Donald Trump responded to the situation saying that no alien life is welcome in the US, whether it be Mexicans or Martians.

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Faux Report

First Contact: New Images from Voyager Satellite Prove Alien Existence

aliens

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

Voyager I has made contact with aliens, and they do not seem to have the capacity to understand human affairs. Scientists have analyzed the images and determined the beings are definitely animal-like in nature, although It cannot be confirmed whether they have souls. They sit atop what geologists suspect to be a rich oil deposit, and they hope to relocate the oil to Earth.

World leaders agree that the next step for humanity. is to invest in this venture.

“We’re all going to be rich! Rolexes and expensive cheeses for all!” said scientist George Miller Jr. “I cannot wait. We’ve finally made contact, and we are at this moment planning on a way to rape and pillage these aliens in much the same way that we raped the indigenous peoples here.”

Newly forming special interest groups for the creatures discovered by the Voyager satellite warn that “They’re just going to exploit their resources and drive them off like they did our own indigenous people.”

The daughter of a NASA official leaked the inside information. “They are so on their own little world, no knowledge of interstellar matters. Totally like, clueless. Daddy says we can send rockets there to start drilling, and my baby’s baby will be rich when they come back. I can’t wait.”

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Symphony

Tempo: April 8, 2015

Another police shooting, it has a video, it’s terrible. The press conference was hot. Rand Paul announces, Ted Cruz rakes in the dough. YouTube plans ad-free subscriptions. NASA announces announcing aliens in 2025. Japan is important to the new US Defense Secretary. Ebola hits record low, Israel reports. A CEO sends a kid to Obama’s party in his stead. And the Reddit CEO fights sexual discrimination by banning contract negotiation. Bonus article: How to Write a Great Business Plan: Sales and Marketing

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