Tag Archives: Faux Report

Faux Report

Mattel Announces ‘Big Booty Barbie’ For Little Fat Girls

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EL SEGUNDO, California – 

Barbie dolls sales have been declining for years, dropping 20% between 2012 and 2014 alone. After receiving years of criticism that Barbie is too thin, Mattel has finally cracked; Barbie’s new friends will come in different shapes, sizes, and races to better reflect actual human diversity.

Critics complain that none of the new line are fat and ugly like real American girls. CEO Christopher Sinclair’s assistant says,“We still want the dolls to be attractive. Well, that sounds mean. It’s more like Barbie just wants to be friends with fit, happy people like her.”

Barbie opponents say they are not impressed by the seven new skin tones or the new line of friends. “They’ve had a token black and a token Asian since the 80s. They’re basically still white bitches who only care about fashion and seducing Ken so he’ll buy them that dreamhouse. I buy my daughter Bratz dolls, because a woman has got to have an attitude and over-sized head in this world,” says Jenny Alexa.

Mattel has met the criticism head-on by announcing the release of a specific Barbie doll that they have dubbed “Big Bootie Barbie.” The new doll will have a much curvier waistline, larger breasts, and a gigantic ass.

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Faux Report

Billionaire’s Yacht Destroys Coral Reef; Claims It’s ‘No Big Deal’

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CAYMAN ISLANDS –

Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen’s yacht is allegedly responsible for the destruction of 14,000 square feet of protected coral reef. After beating a battle with cancer in the 1980’s, Allen started living large, buying extremely high-priced toys, beautiful women, and excessively big boats. The 300-foot luxury yacht, the Tatoosh, dragged its anchor through the delicate reef, obliterating the delicate habitat.

Allen was not on board at the time, and responded that if he is responsible he can afford to make amends. “This is no big deal. What’s a few billion dollars to me?” He says he also plans to sell the boat for charity, which includes features such as a gym, cinema, swimming pool, and two helipads.

The Cayman Islands’ Department of Environment could not be reached for comment, but coral reef activists say the damage done to the reef is immeasurable. The damaged reef also destroyed two popular scuba diving locations, which means a long-term loss in tourist revenue. Under Cayman law, any vehicle that damages the reefs will be fined.

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Faux Report

Snake Bites Boy At Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom

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ORLANDO, Florida – 

A family from Alabama plans to sue Disney World after they said an escaped snake at Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom dropped from a tree and bit their young child. The family’s attorney, Matt Morgan, said Thursday that the boy’s grandmother saw the snake bite him, went into cardiac arrest from fright, and died soon after. They boy was treated with a band-aid and continued to enjoy the park after the incident.

While the family mourns her death, they say they will remember Grandma’s sacrifice as they spend the money they will receive from this lawsuit. “She would have said, ‘I’m old. I lived my life. Let God take me if it means my family can go on more memorable vacations.’ Next time we won’t be going anywhere with snakes though,” said one of the family members. The names are not being released at this time.

Disney says the snake was wild and not part of their attraction. Attorney Jeff Kendell plans to represent the snake, who did not intend to harm the boy. “The snake was nonvenomous, so it did not plan to hurt anyone. It was merely speaking out about the destruction of its wild habitat for a tourist destination in the only way it knew how.”

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Cannabis-Infused Bacon To Hit Markets Soon

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DENVER, Colorado – 

TriKom Treats, a marijuana edibles company, will soon release what promises to be the most addictive meat ever – THC infused bacon.  Because of the processing, the bacon will actually be lower in fat and sodium than traditional bacon , but even more delicious. It will come in two flavors, hickory smoked wake and bake and mellow-morning maple.

Eric Nawfel, weed connoisseur, says marijuana users these days aren’t satisfied with just smoking anymore. “They want to get blazed at least three different ways before noon. I start my day with cannabis infused coffee, bacon, and a blunt. That’s the way you do it.”

Owners of TriKom Treats say 10% of the proceeds will go to funding cancer research. Brandon Lewis, who worked out the bacon recipe and is an owner of TriKom Treats, hopes this product will do a lot of good.

“What if a person’s doctor prescribed bacon to cancer patients. That would be rad, man,” said Lewis.

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Faux Report

McDonald’s Manager Assaults Customer With Mozzarella Sticks

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

Fed up with all the complaints she was getting about the new McDonald’s mozzarella sticks, shift leader Harriet Truman threw a box of fresh, hot mozzarella sticks at an irate customer. Because of flaws in the baking process, the sticks may or may not still have their cheesy centers. The customer had gone through the drive-thru, and came in upset that she had gotten a “dud stick”.

Truman tried to defuse the customer by replacing the order, but the customer was still not happy.

Gloria Potts, the customer who was assaulted with the cheesy deliciousness, says she was mad that she had to get out of her car in the first place. “The only reason I do go to McDonald’s is so I can get my afternoon snacks without getting out of the car. I deserved to be compensated for having to do that. All she wanted to do was give me a new batch. I want that, plus my money back, plus some coupons for free food at a later date. I’m the customer, and the customer is always right.”

Truman was not fired, but did receive a warning from corporate not to throw food. She was taken into police custody for assault, but released on $50 bail. McDonalds is aware of the issue and offered a public apology Thursday after receiving numerous complaints about the lack of mozzarella in their cheesy snacks.

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Faux Report

New Study Finds Fat Girls To Have Better, Longer, and Harder Orgasms

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CHICAGO, Illinois –

A student-led research study has found that “curvier” girls have more intense, longer-lasting orgasms. Fraternity Beta Gamma Omicron has released data they have collected over the last four years. Members of the house took painstaking measures to ensure all the ladies the brothers slept with in or out of the house were surveyed.

“Girls were actually more than willing to rate their orgasms. I think they were happy that the brothers were so concerned about how the experience was for them. The hardest thing was getting the girls to step on the scale and let the pledges take their measurements. We assured them the data was just for scientific purposes, and would be kept completely confidential,” says collegian Dirk Rush, who was in charge of analyzing the data.

Beta Gamma Omicron alumnus, Ross Allen, says he has a theory that may explain the results. “Back in my college days I’d do five, maybe six different girls in a weekend. The bigger they were, the louder they screamed. I think big girls’ bodies are so grateful when they finally get off, it’s like an explosion.”

The study is being taken very seriously by the medical community, and many male scientists have volunteered to conduct their own studies.

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Gwen Stefani To Give Up Sex In Exchange For Shoes

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LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

After finding incrementing text messages between Blake Sheldon and his ex, Miranda Lambert, Gwen Stefani says she is done with men. She recently tweeted to fans, “Shoes are so much better than sex.”

She later tweeted that she had gotten a steal on some gold Giuseppe Zanotti sneakers with vibrating soles. Although some say she is just using shoes as a distraction to forget her heartbreak, her shoe fetish may have, in fact, negatively affected her relationship to begin with.

Stefani’s now ex-boyfriend, Shelden, has told Source Magazine that Gwen’s shoe fetish was something that always came between them. “Hey – nothing was going on between me and Miranda, but I may have asked her for some advice. Gwen would demand we have sex in her shoe closet. It was uncomfortable! Or she’d stop riding me to change shoes. She wouldn’t look me in the eyes when she got off. She’d stare at her Busemis. It was tragically bad. I should have know that I’d end up her ex-boyfriend.”

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Mariah Carey Loses ‘Priceless’ Engagement Ring Worth $10 Million

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MIAMI, Florida –

Mariah Carey and James Packer’s recently announced their engagement, but Carey could not keep the ring on her finger for more than a few days. After announcing plans for a wedding so lavish it will rival Prince William and Kate’s nuptials, the lovebirds flew to Miami for a pre-wedding honeymoon.

Somewhere on the beach Carey lost her 35-carat diamond engagement ring. Although she recruited people to help her find it, it did not immediately turn up. They couple soon gave up, not wanting to waste the rest of their day. Carey says she hopes a good samaritan will find it and return it to her, since she says it has “some sentimental value.” A reward of $100 has been issued by the couple, and they hope that someone will find it on the beaches of Miami.

Carey’s $4.7 billion dollar man is reportedly not upset by the loss, since the ring was fully insured, and he has enough money to ‘wipe his ass with $100 bills for the rest of his life,’ and still have more money than most people on Earth, according to sources who are friendly with the couple.

The ring was reportedly worth $10 million.

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Dermatologists Create ‘Pimple Porn’ Videos, Internet Can’t Get Enough Of New Trend

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Dermatologist Sandra Lee has been a certified dermatologist for 10 years, and has been catering to the darker side of the industry for the last two years. She pops explosive pimples and blackheads on video for thousands of fans, who become addicted to watching the “pimple porn.”

She has received hundreds of fan letters, which she displays at her practice based out of Uplands, California. Dr. Lee claims the “pimple porn” is playing a positive role by bringing dermatology to the masses and encouraging people to look after their skin.

“Contrary to the name there is nothing sexual about it – even though some of my fans really seem to get off on it. I understand that. I get off on the eruption of a juicy, swollen whitehead too. In my adolescent years I realized popping pimples was my passion. That’s why I am where I am today. There’s just something about how satisfying it is to pop a huge, gross pimple and watch the skin get moist and slimy.”

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Viral Teens Who Spelled Racial Slur With T-Shirts Forced Into Protective Custody

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DESERT VISTA, Arizona – 

Outrage has spread across the country, directed at the six Desert Vista high schoolers who spelled out a racial slur with letters on their t-shirts during a school photo day. Parents of the six say they fear for the lives of their daughters, and have decided it would be best to put them in protective custody.

While the girls received five days suspension from school, many feel they are being let off too easy and are threatening to take justice into their own hands. One anonymous internet troll has said, “Five days suspension. Nigga please. When I see them they gonna get beat down.”

Members of the community have also turned against the girls. “I don’t think they need extra protection after the disgrace they have brought upon Desert Vista. We are a fine community who knows racial slurs should only be used in certain company and do not belong on social media,” says Jean Wilder, a concerned citizen. “It is not acceptable to say anything bad about black people in public in this day and age – only Muslims, because most are members of ISIS.”

Superintendent Dr. Kenneth R. Baca, has said “They’re just dumb. They would have spelled any bad word they could. Just because it happened to be the N-word does not mean they’re bad kids. Their parents ask forgiveness of all the African-Americans that were offended, and beg them to please not be packing heat if they come into our neighborhoods. The girls have already changed their identities and left town.”

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Faux Report

Daniel Radcliffe Admits To Making ‘Swiss Army Man’ Because He Lost a Bet

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Once respected actor Daniel Radcliffe, best known as Harry Potter in the series of films, has admitted he only played a flatulating corpse in the recently-released film Swiss Army Man because he lost a bet.

“I’d had a couple pints. Dan Kwan was talking about the duct tape challenge. I bet him I could get out of it before I pissed myself. Turns out I was wrong.” Still, Radcliffe says was not embarrassed by the film and had a great time working on it.

The movie appears to be up for the award of most walk outs at Sundance Film Festival, something that amuses Radcliffe. “I think it is just hilarious people were walking out during the Sundance festival premier. They just didn’t get it. I make a good fucking dead guy, so they can bugger off.”

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Psychiatrist Prescribes Video Games To Fight Depression

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DELUTH, Minnesota – 

Dr. Frank Stephenson has started prescribing video games such as The Sims and World of Warcraft to his patients. He claims it treats depression better than any drug currently on the market.

“Too many of my patients life seems so pointless. Get up. Go to work. Fall deeper in debt. Never really achieve your dreams. Soon you’re in your fifties and your wife that left you is remarried and much happier now.

“The big breakthrough came for me when I gave up on trying to help people change their lives for the better. People never change. What I can do is help people escape from their droll lives. We can’t give out the good meds because those are too addictive, and face it – anti-depressants don’t give you a good buzz, so they’re basically worthless. Video games though – they can transport you to another world.”

Dr. Stephenson says video game therapy can work for all types of depression including seasonal, major, chronic, existential, and post-partum. “I’ve even had some luck with prescribing VGT to bipolar patients. Of course sometimes they’ll play for days straight during their manic phases and give up before beating the game once their depressive phase hits. Lithium usually helps with that.”

Although there are no clinical studies to back up his work, Dr. Stephenson says anyone who tries it will see. Dr. Stephenson also cautions that video game therapy should be used in moderation, and only as a temporary substitute for real life.

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Faux Report

Channing Tatum’s Wife ‘Wanted Pet Goat To Die’

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Channing Tatum fans mourned with the actor at the loss of his daughter’s pet goat, Heather, earlier in the week. As the issue circled social media, some commented with “who cares about a celebrity’s livestock?”, but outraged goat-lovers felt for Tatum and his family, saying goats are lovable pets. One who apparently never found the goat lovable was Jenna Dewan Tatum who is said to have been grossed out by the goat and wanted it dead.

Hired stable hand to the stars, and former Tatum goat boy, Jesus Martinez, says Jenna always hated the goat. “She always complain of the smell. And said the goat would give her daughter worms. Heather was stubborn old goat who would’ve refused to die another five years. Mrs. Tatum threatened to poison her all the time. Maybe this time she did. Who to say? I am not animal doctor. I just know that death come too soon for poor Heather.”

Jealous women everywhere are calling for Channing to divorce Jenna, saying any one of them would be a better mommy to their child, Everly Tatum. “She aint no kind of woman if she wanted that sweet little goat to die. I would clean up the goat poop myself if it meant I got to lay my head on Channing’s sweet rippled chest at night,” says hopeful next-in-line Mia Kelly, superfan. “Goat poop, kid poop, whatever poop – who cares? Have you seen Channing with his clothes off? Mmm, mmm.”

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China Announces Plans To Sell Tibet To Highest Bidder

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BEIJING, China – 

China says that they are willing to give up the sovereignty it has held Tibet since 1951 – as long as the price is right.Hippies and hipsters across the United States are already trying to raise awareness and encourage people to chip in to “Free Tibet.”

“China’s actually really hurting. The US owes 1.3 trillion dollars it never intends to pay back,” said self-proclaimed ‘granola’ Cindy Morris. “The biggest thing is the bad reputation they have developed. ‘Made in China’ means crap. Plus, the pollution over there is really bad. Their government needs more money to process all the dead bodies.”

Since the 1950s, millions has been donated to the Free Tibet cause, but it is unclear where this money is being kept or how much there is. The Dahli Lama has yet to release a statement on the matter, and the Tibetan Government in Exile has not been clear whether they will be able to afford China’s price. It is likely that they do not feel they are rightfully owned by China and will refuse to pay for their freedom.

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