Tag Archives: Channing Tatum

Faux Report

Channing Tatum Says He Still Has To Sleep With Pacifer

Channing Tatum, everyone's favorite middle-of-the-road actor, proves that you can work in Hollywood no matter what you look like, as long the right roles come along
Channing Tatum, everyone’s favorite middle-of-the-road actor, proves that you can work in Hollywood no matter what you look like, as long the right roles come along

LOS ANGELES, California – 

One of the manliest hunks in Hollywood today, Channing Tatum, says that he still sleeps with the pacifier that he has had since he was a baby, and that it’s the “only way” he can fall asleep at night.

“Honestly, I have tried ditching the thing a million times, but I just can’t get use to sleeping with my little binky,” said Tatum. “I wish that I could. It’s really embarrassing that I have to deal with it, but at this point, I’m just too old to call it quits.”

Tatum says that over the years, he’s had to have orthodontic surgery at least a dozen times to correct the overbite that the pacifier causes.

“Sucking your thumb, or a pacifier, or anything, over long periods of time, causes your mouth to change shape, and I’ve had to have surgery to fix my jaw and upper plate several times,” said Tatum. “I don’t want my face to change too much. The dentists see dollar signs when I walk in. But it’s worth it, honestly. I love my bink, and my wife is used to it. I just really hope that my kids don’t take on the same habits that I have.”

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Faux Report

Channing Tatum’s Wife ‘Wanted Pet Goat To Die’

tatum

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Channing Tatum fans mourned with the actor at the loss of his daughter’s pet goat, Heather, earlier in the week. As the issue circled social media, some commented with “who cares about a celebrity’s livestock?”, but outraged goat-lovers felt for Tatum and his family, saying goats are lovable pets. One who apparently never found the goat lovable was Jenna Dewan Tatum who is said to have been grossed out by the goat and wanted it dead.

Hired stable hand to the stars, and former Tatum goat boy, Jesus Martinez, says Jenna always hated the goat. “She always complain of the smell. And said the goat would give her daughter worms. Heather was stubborn old goat who would’ve refused to die another five years. Mrs. Tatum threatened to poison her all the time. Maybe this time she did. Who to say? I am not animal doctor. I just know that death come too soon for poor Heather.”

Jealous women everywhere are calling for Channing to divorce Jenna, saying any one of them would be a better mommy to their child, Everly Tatum. “She aint no kind of woman if she wanted that sweet little goat to die. I would clean up the goat poop myself if it meant I got to lay my head on Channing’s sweet rippled chest at night,” says hopeful next-in-line Mia Kelly, superfan. “Goat poop, kid poop, whatever poop – who cares? Have you seen Channing with his clothes off? Mmm, mmm.”

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