Faux Report

New Study Finds Fat Girls To Have Better, Longer, and Harder Orgasms


CHICAGO, Illinois –

A student-led research study has found that “curvier” girls have more intense, longer-lasting orgasms. Fraternity Beta Gamma Omicron has released data they have collected over the last four years. Members of the house took painstaking measures to ensure all the ladies the brothers slept with in or out of the house were surveyed.

“Girls were actually more than willing to rate their orgasms. I think they were happy that the brothers were so concerned about how the experience was for them. The hardest thing was getting the girls to step on the scale and let the pledges take their measurements. We assured them the data was just for scientific purposes, and would be kept completely confidential,” says collegian Dirk Rush, who was in charge of analyzing the data.

Beta Gamma Omicron alumnus, Ross Allen, says he has a theory that may explain the results. “Back in my college days I’d do five, maybe six different girls in a weekend. The bigger they were, the louder they screamed. I think big girls’ bodies are so grateful when they finally get off, it’s like an explosion.”

The study is being taken very seriously by the medical community, and many male scientists have volunteered to conduct their own studies.