Pope Declares Series Of New, Damnable Sins

ROME, Italy –

A “sin of the week” will soon be posted on the Pope’s social media accounts, causing those of the Catholic faith to have to keep up-to-date on what may send them to Hell. Upcoming sins will include voting for liberals, neglecting houseplants, and inconsiderate parking. Plans are also in the works to finally do something about ‘deviled eggs’ and high-carbon emissions, which are leading to the apocalypse.

High ranking and outspoken Cardinal Steve Jalsevec says he does not know what is going on in the Vatican, but something is terribly amiss. “I knew he was crazy when he started talking about how evolution was part of God’s plan. This finally proves it. I don’t know how his advisors are letting this happen.”

The Pope’s advisors are reported to be “having fun for once in their lives.” Publicly, the Vatican has said this is serious business.

“God has told Pope Francis his will be numbered on this planet. Before he is called Home to His Heavenly Kingdom, there is some business he must attend to. The Sin-A-Week plan will ensure he has time to take care of all the issues that are important to him.”

Faux Report

Teen Blinded After Taking Advice From Gag Meme On Facebook

BRIDGTON, Maine –

Tanya Herson, 17, has reportedly blinded herself after putting jalapeño slices directly over her eyes in a misguided beauty technique. A meme she had seen on Facebook said it would get rid of puffy eyes. Although it started to burn almost immediately, she assumed that was a sign that it was working.

Her mother, Deanna, says she “heard Tanya screaming bloody murder,” but at first did not know what had happened.

“Tanya couldn’t tell me what happened. Her eyes were red and swollen. I thought it was an allergic reaction to some kind of makeup, so I had her flush out her eyes in the shower and called 911,” said Deanna.

By the time paramedics arrived, Tanya had completely lost sight in both eyes. Later she told her mother she had seen it in a meme.

“There needs to be someone monitoring the internet,” says Tasha’s mother. “We can’t continue to allow our fake news to hurt our impressionable children.” Deanna says she is looking into suing Mark Zuckerberg for her daughter’s medical bills, as well as pain and suffering. “He owns the website, and the website let someone post this horrible information. If he’s not to blame, I don’t know who is.”

Faux Report

Sick Woman Places Onions In Socks Around Room; Does Nothing But Annoy Husband

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

John Maher is threating to divorce his wife, Shirley Maher, if she refuses to get off Facebook after it linked her to a “cure” for her common cold.

After reading about the antibacterial properties of onions, Geraldine placed bowls of onions around the room and put sliced raw onions in her socks. She had read the phosphoric acid would enter her bloodstream through her feet. The article also promised that her room would not stink, since the onions would absorb bacteria which it claimed is the cause of most foot and body odor.

“I had a very stubborn cold so I would’ve tried anything. My husband was of course skeptical, but I don’t know- I think it helped,” she says.

John disagrees. “It didn’t do anything but stink up the house. Can’t get the smell of onions out of the mattress now. Of course it did not do a damn thing, since germs don’t go leaking out of your feet, and even if onions kill bacteria, the common cold is caused by a virus.”

John says this is not the first time something silly she read on Facebook has hurt their marriage. “Besides the fact I have to listen to all the damned gossip, she nearly burned the place down with some craft involving all my good sharpies and rubbing alcohol. It’s my own fault really. Mother told me not to marry Shirley. You wouldn’t believe it now, but I was quite the stud in my day.”

Symphony

Cadence of Conflict: Asia, November 16, 2015

The week buzzed about China’s currency while the US spotlight made an unusual stop on Taiwan.

Marco Rubio mentioned Taiwan, something significant for an experienced Senator and presidential candidate on the campaign trail. Quartz gave a shout over Taiwanese presidential hopeful, Tsai, in her response to the negative Facebook comments from China (where Facebook happens to be banned). The US State Department even commented about Taiwan as a “beacon of truly representative government”, signifying as proof that Asia is not entirely inept on the matter of Human Rights.

China, by contrasting reports and comment, is the economic dirt devil, so goes the spotlight this week anyhow. China’s money is about to dominate the IMF. Northern China must choose between either cold winters or toxic air. And China continues to meddle with its own currency.

And, by the way, the Pentagon doesn’t seem to get much support from the current White House concerning China. · · · →

Symphony

Encore of Revival: America, October 19, 2015

Registration, registration. Changes, changes. Dr. Ben Carson was registered in a small, sideline political party until almost one year ago. It will probably help him since most Republican voters vote Republican under protest. He could be the last viable RNC candidate, if the trend continues, and would be a more viable candidate on account of his former membership.

Homosexuals are announcing their status to the world, finding more and more creative ways to do it. Arguably, “coming out” on Facebook is more of a mating call than a warning to heterosexuals to keep away. “Coming out” is no longer as bold and courageous as it once was.

The courts won’t be able to be fair while differentiating the “Church of the Sword” foam sword fights from the tax-exempt Christian coffee-doughnut meetings on Sunday morning. The New Hampshire Church of the Sword will likely have copycats. The non-necessity of the Sunday morning method of Bible education and Christian friendship has been exposed. · · · →

Symphony