Category Archives: Faux Report

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Faux Report

BREAKING: President Trump Arrested Leaving Trump Tower in New York

NEW YORK CITY, NY – 

President Trump was arrested by the NYC Police Department while exiting his former residence at Trump Tower on Sunday morning, according to reports from the Associated Press.

Police Chief Mario Brann said that his officers were acting on an open warrant from 1998, when Trump allegedly struck a pedestrian while driving through the city, and left the scene. The pedestrian, whose name was not released, later died of their injuries.

“It is with great pleasure that I announce that we have taken President Donald Trump into custody for his role in the death of a young man in 1998,” said Chief Brann. “Mr. Trump is alleged to have killed the victim in a hit-and-run accident, for which he had never been charged. That changes today.”

Lawyers for President Trump say that the charges are “absolutely ridiculous” and “totally absurd.”

“There is no way that he was driving through the streets of New York and killed someone,” said Richard Moorehouse, a private attorney retained by the president. “President Trump cannot drive. The guy can barely navigate a golf course in a golf cart, you think he has ever learned to drive an actual car? He’s a total moron. Nobody would let him behind the wheel. If this accident occurred as they say, then we attest that Mr. Trump had a driver at the time, and he is not guilty of anything.”

“I’ve heard of people pleading insanity, but I’ve never heard of anyone pleading total idiocy to get out of a crime before,” said Chief Brann. “I am intrigued to see how this plays out. Either way, this gives everyone a break from Trump’s stupid goddamn tweets for a few hours.”

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Faux Report

Gizmo Files Lawsuit Against Disney Over ‘Baby Yoda’, Claims Company Stole His Likeness

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Gremlins star Gizmo has filed a lawsuit in a Los Angeles superior court against Disney over their latest viral property, “Baby Yoda,” also known as The Child, from the hit Disney+ series The Mandalorian. Gizmo claims that Disney stole his likeness when they created the cute, cuddly character.

“My client is clearly the basis for the new Disney character affectionately known as Baby Yoda, and designers at Disney knew exactly what they were doing when they developed The Child’s final form,” said lawyer Chris Dante, who is representing Gizmo. “We are seeking damages for the extreme distress, loss of work, and emotional turmoil that Baby Yoda has caused my client. I am confident we have a strong case.”

Lawyers for Disney could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous employee who works on The Mandalorian said that there were draft notes that indicated Disney executives “very much” wanted to have a new character that “was 50% Yoda, 50% Gizmo, and 100% adorable.”

Gizmo first rose to fame in 1984 with his starring role in the Christmas-themed horror film Gremilins. 

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Faux Report

BREAKING: President Trump Arrested Leaving Trump Tower in New York

NEW YORK CITY, NY – 

President Trump was arrested by the NYC Police Department while exiting his former residence at Trump Tower on Sunday morning, according to reports from the Associated Press.

Police Chief Mario Brann said that his officers were acting on an open warrant from 1998, when Trump allegedly struck a pedestrian while driving through the city, and left the scene. The pedestrian, whose name was not released, later died of their injuries.

“It is with great pleasure that I announce that we have taken President Donald Trump into custody for his role in the death of a young man in 1998,” said Chief Brann. “Mr. Trump is alleged to have killed the victim in a hit-and-run accident, for which he had never been charged. That changes today.”

Lawyers for President Trump say that the charges are “absolutely ridiculous” and “totally absurd.”

“There is no way that he was driving through the streets of New York and killed someone,” said Richard Moorehouse, a private attorney retained by the president. “President Trump cannot drive. The guy can barely navigate a golf course in a golf cart, you think he has ever learned to drive an actual car? He’s a total moron. Nobody would let him behind the wheel. If this accident occurred as they say, then we attest that Mr. Trump had a driver at the time, and he is not guilty of anything.”

“I’ve heard of people pleading insanity, but I’ve never heard of anyone pleading total idiocy to get out of a crime before,” said Chief Brann. “I am intrigued to see how this plays out. Either way, this gives everyone a break from Trump’s stupid goddamn tweets for a few hours.”

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Faux Report

Michelle Obama Officially Announces Her Candidacy for President

PHILADELPHIA, PA – 

Michelle Obama, the wife of former president Barack Obama, has announced that she will be running for president in the 2020 election.

“I know I’m a lot later than most people, but to be honest, there’s no reason to start running 2 years before the election,” said Michelle Obama from the family home in Philadelphia. “It’s much easier to wait until the ‘little people’ drop out, and we can see what’s left of the field. At this point, the field is pretty bland, so I’m going to come in and mow it down.”

Obama, who was highly involved in education and children’s health during her husband’s two terms, says that she plans to continue her advocacy for the young people of America.

“Kids are our future, and education and health are the most important things for the next generation,” said Obama. “I have no stance at all on foreign policy, taxes, abortion, religion, or literally anything else. My platform is the children, and between that and my name, I think I have a great shot of becoming the Democratic nominee, and our next president.”

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Faux Report

BREAKING: War With Iran Imminent; President Trump Reinstates Military Draft

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Earlier this week, President Trump illegally ordered the assassination of a top military general in Iran, Qasem Soleimani, prompting Iran to promise a swift revenge. In the imminent face of war with a powerful military in Iran, President Trump reinstated the United States draft, last used during the Vietnam Conflict.

“There are a lot of incredible, selfless American men and women who have been serving in the armed forces, some for many years, some still in basic training,” stated President Trump early this morning from the Oval Office. “These people, they need help. They need a lot of really, really big help, and we need to make sure they receive it. Reinstating the United States draft process is the easiest, and most logical answer.”

The draft process, which chooses young, American men at random to enlist in the armed forces, is something most people thought they would never see used again, but military officials agree with Trump that it’s the most efficient way to quickly build our military forces in the face of danger.

“When you anger another country by committing a blatant and completely illegal war crime, such as the case with our President’s attack in Iran, things heat up quickly, and action must be taken,” said Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. “We are ready to have our young men suit up and join our military forces, and the reinstatement of the draft will help immensely.”

“It’s about time these lazy millennials do something with their life other than eat Tide pods and watch YouTube videos,” said MAGA-hat wearing, Trump voter Carl Richards, 42, from Atlanta. “They could use the direction, the discipline, and should want to fight to protect our country from foreign invasion. It’s what I would have done when I was their age. Not doing it now, of course. Got myself some really tender soles, and I can’t walk for too long before my feet really start to hurt. If it wasn’t for that, I’d be out there signing up to shoot me some towelheads or whoever it is this time.”

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Faux Report

Cats Are Superior To Dogs In Every Way, New Study Conducted By Cat Scientists Confirms

BOSTON, Mowsachusetts –

A group of cat scientists in Boston say that they have come to the scientific conclusion that cats are better than dogs in “every conceivable way,” and that their research is to be published in the Feline Journal of Medicine in the October issue.

“See, when it comes to pets, people generally only have two choices,” said Dr. Mow Furball, a cat scientist at UCLA who lead the team in Boston. “They get a dog, or they get a cat. Yes, you can get birds or other animals as pets, but birds are bullshit, and you damn well know it. So the choice is clearly dog or cat.”

Dr. Furball says that although many people own dogs because they think they’re a better animal, the real answer has always been cat.

“You cannot possibly think a dog is better than a cat after you see our research,” said Dr. Fluffy McCaterstein. “Dogs need to be walked. You have to take them out every few hours on their own. You can’t leave them home for more than a day by themselves or they’ll eat the couch. Frankly, dogs are stupid. Cats on the other hand, are now scientifically proven to be better pets.”

The research conducted by the team is currently “classified,” but notes will be available in the journal’s release.

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Faux Report

Woman Gets Pregnant After Sleeping at Hotel With Dirty Sheets

MIAMI, Florida –

A woman in Florida says she got pregnant on a business trip to Boston last month, claiming that the hotel never changed the sheets on the bed, and there must have been “ejaculate” on them.

Penny Simon, 28, travelled to Boston for a sales convention, and said that the Hilton she stayed at was “super dirty,” and even though she complained, she thinks they didn’t change the sheets on her bed, and that semen left in the bed from a previous visitor got her pregnant.

“It’s crazy, really, and I feel so bad for her,” said Chris Simon, 29, Penny’s husband. “She’s very conflicted. We’re not an abortion household, but at the same time, the baby isn’t mine, and she’s saying she doesn’t know what to do. I really don’t want to raise another man’s child, but we’ve been trying for 4 years to get pregnant, and she hasn’t been able to. I will raise this baby as my own if that’s what God wants. I just hope the hotel knows that we are suing them for mental anguish. This is disgusting!”

Empire News spoke to Mary Rogers, who works the front desk at the Hilton in Boston where Penny stayed.

“The rooms are very clean, and this hotel was only a week old at the time the guest you mentioned stayed,” said Rogers. “No one had ever been in that room before. Although I was on staff the two nights Ms. Simon stayed here, and watched her bring up at least 3 different men from the hotel bar over the course of 4 hours, so if I had to guess how she got pregnant, I think that answers it.”

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Faux Report

A Pride Festival in Maine Turns Into Orgy After Protestor Drugs Food Truck

BANGOR, Maine –

A Pride festival in Bangor, Maine turned into an all out sex festival after a group of protestors slipped what police say was “highly potent” MDMA, or ecstasy, into the supply of the festival’s food truck.

“Thankfully, this was one of the smaller festivals in the state, and it was a 21+ event because of the alcohol being served,” said Police Chief Barry Lincoln. “That said, there were over 350 people who attended this Pride day, and every single one of them was involved in the massive group orgy.”

Even though the sexual debauchery was happening right out in the open in the middle of the town’s park, police said the only ones arrested were the protestors.

“We cannot very well arrest those who showed up looking for a good time at Pride, because they certainly had it,” said Chief Lincoln. “I know I certainly did, and that’s all I really want to say about that. The protestors, who stupidly admitted to their crimes on Facebook, were apprehended less than 24 hours later. We are still trying to track the source of their large quantity of drugs.”

 

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Faux Report

President Trump Set To Legalize Marijuana on a Federal Level

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump announced earlier this morning via Twitter that he would be legalizing marijuana on a federal level, which would automatically lift restrictions in every state, even those that have yet to set up legalization and retail options.

“At this point, there’s really no reason to continue classifying it as a Schedule 1 drug,” tweeted President Trump. “Everyone smokes it, or eats it in delicious little pastries and candies. Frankly, edibles are the only reason I can sleep at night myself. It’s been a long battle with wasted trillions of dollars, and I want it to stop.”

The President went on to say that the influx of tax revenue at the state and federal levels would be astronomical.

“Colorado can buy whatever they want, because it’s huge out there,” said Trump. “They can pay for education, healthcare, new roads, whatever. They can do that because of weed taxes. This is going to make the American people rich. Now we will be able to start building that wall!”

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Faux Report

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Enters Agreement to Purchase New Wrestling Startup AEW

STAMFORD, CT –

WWE CEO and Chairman Vince McMahon announced today that he had met with Tony Khan, the owner of new wrestling promotion AEW, and that the two had agreed on a purchase amount, with McMahon becoming sole owner.

“When I saw the kind of wrestling that these guys were doing, the matches they were putting on, the crowd reactions – I knew that this was something big, and I had to get involved,” said McMahon. “If I didn’t try to take control of this company now, they’d likely have overshadowed the WWE within a few years, maybe less. I am too old for more Monday Night Wars.”

McMahon is referencing the fan’s term for the ratings battle between the WWE and the then Ted Turner owned WCW. During the mid-90s, the two companies went head to head on Monday evenings in prime time TV slots. When WWE eventually took control of the ratings, McMahon bought out WCW and folded the entire promotion.

“When McMahon approached me, I laughed at first,” said Tony Khan, a billionaire whose family has long ties in the world of sports. “But he came in with a price that was just outrageous, and I would have been a fool to say no. Yes, I’m worth upwards of 4 times what the WWE is worth, but I didn’t get that way by being a fool. I’m a wrestling fan, and I love what we’re doing, but WWE can take what we’re doing and amp it up globally overnight.”

On news of the purchase, AEW’s Executive Vice President, Cody Rhodes, simply said “Fuck. Not again.”

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Faux Report

New Breed of Mosquito Has Been Found To Impregnate Women After Biting

PALM BEACH, Florida – 

The U.S. government warn of three cases in Florida of people affected by the so-called “mosquito chirulí,” able to make a woman pregnant with just a single bite. The cases have been located in Miami, Tallahassee, and Palm Beach. and those affected have been quarantined while the cases are investigated.

The existence of this mosquito was known at the end of 2016 in Uganda and Kenya, but never before have there been cases outside these countries. It is a mosquito that has mutated and is able to impregnate a women via a very specific set of circumstances, one that requires no sperm to fertilize the ovum in fertile women. There is information that this mosquito has been responsible for more than 2,000 pregnancies in Africa.

It is unknown how it was possible for the “chirulí mosquito” to reach the United States, but the authorities are already taking the necessary measures to prevent more cases from occurring. An appeal is made to all women of childbearing age who feel the bite of a mosquito to go immediately to their doctor to receive the Plan B, morning after pill.

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Faux Report

Man Arrested After Refusing To Leave Nude Beach After His Genitalia Size Scares Other Guests

MIAMI, Florida – 

A Florida man was arrested and ejected from a nudist beach because, as they told him, he “had an excessively large penis” and that other guests were terrified when they saw it.

According to reports,  last weekend on a beach in Miami, Joe Hung was lying on the towel enjoying the good weather, when he was approached by a local police patrol that asked him to “please, cover [himself] and leave the beach”. Police say they’d received calls, and that there was more than one swimmer who had complained about the size of Hung’s penis.

“We were here, enjoying the quiet and the beautiful the day, when that man with his huge penis arrived, monopolizing the attention of everybody, and breaking the harmony of the place,” says one of the woman, who admits she called the police. “While I expect to see some nudity here and try to get over any personal complexes, it’s entirely another for this man to show up and give me a new one. My husband could never match up to this man. What guy could?!”

Police say they charged Hung with disorderly conduct for his refusal to leave the beach. He was fined $500 and allowed to leave after a 24-hour holding.

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Pope Francis Tries To Curb Molestation In The Church, Declares That Priests Can Marry

VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis made a surprise announcement during his weekly Sunday Mass in Vatican City, stunning the world when he said that the church has decided that their priests would be allowed to wed, something that has never been allowed in the history of the Catholic Church.

“In an effort to stop our wonderful men of the cloth from molesting any more children, we have decided to allow them to marry and fornicate with women,” said Francis. “This will hopefully put an end, once and for all, to the bad behavior of some of our flock.”

Despite the announcement taking place earlier this morning, there has been no word on whether any priests have elected to look for a wife, or if they’re content with their current arrangement of molesting children for years, having the church pay hush money, and being moved to a new location after all the news is buried.

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Faux Report

Man Sues Apple After Trying to Take a Bite Out of His iPhone, Discovering It’s Not An ‘Actual Apple’

CARSON, Georgia –

A Georgia man has filed suit against tech giant Apple, saying that after purchasing the latest iPhone, he tried to “eat the device,” and suffered severe damage to his mouth, teeth, and gums.

“My client thought that because the item was an ‘Apple,’ device, that it would be edible as apples generally are,” said Dewey Cheatum, Esq., the attorney representing the unnamed man who engaged in the lawsuit. “We believe we have a very strong case, as Apple does not now, nor have they ever said that their items could not be eaten.”

Apple’s public response to the lawsuit was to have Tim Cook shit directly onto the portfolio, before mailing it back to the office of Cheatum with a note that said “go fuck yourself.”

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