Category Archives: Faux Report

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Faux Report

Tim Kaine Says He’s ‘Undecided’ About Who To Vote For

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Tim Kaine, the current Junior U.S. Senator for Virginia and Hillary Clinton’s running mate for Vice-President, says that he is still a ‘little undecided’ about who he should vote for on November 8th.

“It all comes down to who can do the best job for this country, and I’m still weighing that decision before I head to the polls,” said Kaine. “There are issues that are still up in the air, and even after watching all the debates, the decision is never an easy one.”

Kaine went on to say that Trump and Hillary are both “pretty cool people,” and that he is hoping to see a Democratic victory for the presidency, he can’t promise that he’ll vote straight-ticket during the election.

 

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Faux Report

Donald Trump Says He Has Already ‘Secured Funding’ For His Mexican Border Wall

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has said that he has finally secured full financing for the wall that he plans to build between Mexico and the United States.

According to a Trump campaign staffer, Donald has been meeting with “powerful” people on both sides of the border, and he has finally managed to get everyone together to pitch in to what all parties seem to think is a “worthwhile idea.”

The total cost for the wall is estimated to be somewhere in the nature of $650 billion dollars, making it one of the most expensive projects ever undertaken by either country. Donald Trump himself has promised to put in almost $1 billion of his own money to make sure that the wall is built.

“I have yuge respect for the Mexicans, and the people of Mexico, and for Mexican food,” said Trump. “What I don’t have yuge respect for is illegal Mexicans skipping across our borders, coming into this country, and stealing job from hard working Americans. That’s not the kind of country I want to live in, and that’s not making America great. This wall, this yuge wall, that is what will make America great again.”

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Faux Report

Bill Clinton Files For Divorce From ‘Nagging Wife’ Hillary

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Public records indicate that former president Bill Clinton has filed for divorce from his wife, current presidential frontrunner Hillary Clinton, citing “irreconcilable differences.”

A lawyer for Ex-President Clinton said that he had “no comment” at this time, but said that Clinton himself had issued a partial statement on the matter:

For those who are wondering, yes, I have decided to leave Hillary after decades of marriage. The reasons are personal and, well – actually, a lot of the reasons are very, very public, too – but most of them are personal. I like having sex with multiple women, and Hillary likes to control everything, including me. It’s become too hard to live with such a maniacal, egotistical woman, and when she becomes president, it will ruin this marriage even further. We cannot see eye-to-eye, and so it is time for me to end this. I do not want to have sexual relations with that woman.

According to a lawyer, who does not represent either party, a divorce with this much equity, real estate, and other massive-ticket items, could take some time to sort out. It’s entirely likely that the pair will still be legally married until well after Hillary is sworn into office.

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Faux Report

Young Man Killed After Samsung Note 7 Explodes In His Face While Wearing It In Virtual Reality Headset

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A Boston man has died after he ignored recall warnings from Samsung about their Note 7 cell phones exploding, and put it into his newly purchased Gear VR. The Gear VR is a headset worn around the face that offers a “virtual reality” experience with your own cell phone. It is designed to work with a wide variety of Samsung products.

Max Willis, 20, died after his Note exploded while it was inside his headset, causing his eyes and face to be torn apart.

“Normally, the ‘explosion’ of these devices is very small, but even a very small explosion that close to your face will obviously kill you,” said police chief Robert Thompson. “When we arrived at the scene, Mr. Willis’ face was in several parts all over the floor, and the plastic pieces from his headset and phone were embedded in the wall behind him. It was the most gruesome thing I’ve ever seen.”

Samsung has offered to pay Willis’ parents a clean-up cost for their home, and say they are willing to give each member of the family a phone at half-price from their array of Samsung, certified pre-owned devices.

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New Hampshire Forces All Stores To Be Closed On ‘Black Friday’ Due To Fear Of Injury and Death

Woman Gives Birth During Black Friday Sale; Leaves Baby, Buys Big Screen TV

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

The state law board in New Hampshire has ruled that no retail store will be able to open their doors on the day after Thanksgiving, the shopping ‘holiday’ known as Black Friday. According to state representatives, the number of massive injury or deaths has steadily increased over the last 10 years, and they are trying to “lower the possibility” of anything happening.

“Last year, we had 2,000 injuries and 178 deaths statewide in relation to Black Friday shopping,” said NH State Representative Dan Miller. “We had no choice but to shut it down for this year.”

Miller says that the plan is to make sure that all stores are closed from midnight on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving until 7AM on the Saturday following.

“This way, people will not get trampled in dangerous stampedes just to get their hands on a $199 TV or some such nonsense,” said Miller.

When asked if he thought that the “Black Friday” madness would just get pushed to Saturday, causing the injuries or deaths later in the weekend, Miller responded that they “hadn’t thought of that,” and just encouraged more people to stay home and shop online.

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Government Forces Company To Remove The Term ‘Diet’ From All Foods

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Have you had a diet soda recently? We don’t suppose it helped you lose any weight, did it? Of course not. But, the United States government thinks that ‘diet’ has become a word synonymous with losing weight, and has decided to ban it from all food and packaging that shoppers would be exposed to.

“If you go to the store and get a Diet Pepsi, I’d expect, as a normal, everyday kind of guy, that I should be able to drink it and lose weight,” said Mario Lewis, who started a petition with change.org to get the government to remove the label. “I drank a Diet Soda every single day for nearly 20 years. It was my diet plan. All I got from that much diet drink was cancer. I didn’t lose a pound.”

“We agree that something has to change, and so we’ve made the decision to ban the word ‘diet’ from food packaging,” said USDA representative Carl Pooler. “Starting January 1st, ‘diets’ will be a thing of the past. What the new term is, we haven’t decided. We may leave that up to the producer of the specific food.”

This ban comes after similar ones from years past, such as the tobacco industry being forced to remove the term “light” to describe their cigarettes, when those things were still filled with the same amount of rat poison, cow shit, and black death as their “full flavor” counterparts.

 

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Faux Report

Donald Trump Drops Out Of Race After Latest Polls Show Him 70 Points Behind

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WASHINGTON, D.C. 

Donald Trump has announced that he has officially dropped from the presidential race, conceding to Hillary Clinton only a few short weeks before the November 8th election date.

According to campaign staffers, the latest poll numbers after all 3 debates were completed showed Trump a staggering 70 points behind. Some polls even showed him closer to 80.

“It is with a yuge regret that I have to announce that I am backing out of the campaign,” said Donald Trump. “I know that I have many, many supporters, and I appreciate all that everyone has done. I’ve had a hell of a run, but there is no coming back from this. Blunders or not, the polls do not, and have never, lied. It’s time to end it all.”

Trump says that he was always unsure of being president, even as he was running, because it would leave a “major hole” in his $4B a year business, that he currently personally manages.

“I could never leave my business fully, because someone else would have to run it, and no one else could do what I do,” said Trump. “It was always in the back of my mind that I may have to give this up. Now that the numbers are appearing, it’s time to stop the bleeding and get back to what I’m good at, which is making money.”

Hillary Clinton will finish the race unopposed, but that does leave the door wide open for voters to write-in a third party candidate. With Trump out of the race, it’s fairly well Clinton’s to win.

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Donald Trump Halloween Mask Is Biggest Selling Item In History

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Nevada Halloween Company, located just outside of Las Vegas, began producing a new mask this year that they dubbed “Dummy Politician.” Of course, it’s clearly a likeness of Donald Trump, even if they’re not specifically saying so. Regardless of the gag, though, the mask has shocked the world, going viral, and becoming the number one biggest selling item of all time – of and item.

“It’s not just the biggest selling Halloween mask,” said Derek Jones, president of Nevada Halloween. “We’ve sold more masks than Apple has iPhones. More than Budweiser has sold beer. We’ve sold more of these masks than anyone has ever sold of anything…ever. It’s truly a triumph for our little company.”

According to Jones, the company has sold over 7 billion of the masks, almost enough for every man, woman, and child in the world to go as a “dummy politician” for Halloween.

“It’s really astounding how many we’ve sold, but what’s more astounding is that a lot of people write in to thank us for selling such an ‘American’ product, and that they’re happy we’re doing our part to ‘Make America Great Again,'” said Jones. “I don’t get it. For one, America is already great. Saying we need to make it great again would imply it’s not currently, and that’s not true at all. And two, the mask is called ‘dummy politician.’ How stupid are these voters?”

 

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McDonald’s ‘Kills Off’ Ronald McDonald After Scary Clown Epidemic

AUGUSTA, Georgia – 

McDonald’s Corporation has announced that they will be doing away with their longtime spokes-clown, Ronald McDonald, after a series of “scary clown” sightings throughout the country that have lead to assaults and terrorism threats.

“We think it’s time that we put Ronald McDonald to rest,” said company spokesman Marshall Richards. “He has been around for nearly 50 years, and it’s time we say goodbye. We have an entire cast of other friendly faces that can step up to take his place. No one is out there running around as a scary Grimace terrorizing people. We think he’ll make a great frontman.”

The company hasn’t aired any new Ronald commercials in 2016, and they said they plan to begin filming new commercials starring The Grimace, as well as the Hamburgler and other old favorites, during the first quarter of next year.

Ronald McDonald will receive a “memorial service” commercial that will be release online-only sometime before Christmas, the company said.

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Colorado Pot Smokers Beware! State Issues MASSIVE Recall After 6 Deaths From Tainted Drug

DENVER, Colorado – 

The Colorado State Control Board has issues a massive recall for 3 different types of marijuana sold throughout the state at the Ready Green dispensaries, after 6 people died from “tainted” drugs.

According to the state health commission, the marijuana was grown and brought in from outside of the country, and has been found to have a dangerous pesticide that has caused more than 30 people to be hospitalized and 6 people to die after smoking it.

“It’s a nightmare, really, because the legal side of things has made it very easy to obtain weed, and Ready Green is the biggest dispensary in the state,” said Health Commission Chairman Mario Rodriguez. “We are working hard to remove this particular group of bud from all stores, but we’re not sure how much of it is out there.”

The health commission is asking people who currently purchase their weed at local stores to go back to doing it “the old fashioned way.”

“Please, if you need weed, buy it from a non-reputable dealer like everyone else in the country,” said Rodriguez. “It could save your life.”

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Faux Report

Colorado Pot Smokers Beware! State Issues MASSIVE Recall After 6 Deaths From Tainted Drug

DENVER, Colorado – 

The Colorado State Control Board has issues a massive recall for 3 different types of marijuana sold throughout the state at the Ready Green dispensaries, after 6 people died from “tainted” drugs.

According to the state health commission, the marijuana was grown and brought in from outside of the country, and has been found to have a dangerous pesticide that has caused more than 30 people to be hospitalized and 6 people to die after smoking it.

“It’s a nightmare, really, because the legal side of things has made it very easy to obtain weed, and Ready Green is the biggest dispensary in the state,” said Health Commission Chairman Mario Rodriguez. “We are working hard to remove this particular group of bud from all stores, but we’re not sure how much of it is out there.”

The health commission is asking people who currently purchase their weed at local stores to go back to doing it “the old fashioned way.”

“Please, if you need weed, buy it from a non-reputable dealer like everyone else in the country,” said Rodriguez. “It could save your life.”

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Man Arrested After Going On Murder Spree, Killing Over 30 Registered Sex Offenders

OMAHA, Nebraska – 

A Nebraska man was arrested after he was caught in the act of strangling someone to death in an alley outside of a Omaha McDonald’s, police say. According to reports, Joel Miller, 42, was arrested for assault and attempted murder, and during questioning admitted that he had killed more than 30 people already, all of them registered sex offenders.

“I’ve been killing pedos and perverts for, damn, close to 15 years now,” said Miller. “Started when I was 26 or so, after a girl I was dating was raped and murdered. I tracked the guy down myself, slit his throat. I realized I had a real knack for it after that, so I kept going.”

Miller says that he wishes he hadn’t gotten caught, because he has a list of at least 3 more local “perverts” that he wanted to “knock off.”

“A friend of mine – we go way back – his daughter was molested by his babysitter’s boyfriend. Everyone knew he did it. The police couldn’t prove it. The girl, she’s only 7, she clammed right up. Barely spoken since, and she won’t admit it. Well, I did the world a favor when I cut his dick off and rammed it down his throat.”

Police say that, despite the “positive” nature of the crimes, Miller will still be more than likely sentenced to death for his crimes.

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Faux Report

Man Arrested After Going On Murder Spree, Killing Over 30 Registered Sex Offenders

OMAHA, Nebraska – 

A Nebraska man was arrested after he was caught in the act of strangling someone to death in an alley outside of a Omaha McDonald’s, police say. According to reports, Joel Miller, 42, was arrested for assault and attempted murder, and during questioning admitted that he had killed more than 30 people already, all of them registered sex offenders.

“I’ve been killing pedos and perverts for, damn, close to 15 years now,” said Miller. “Started when I was 26 or so, after a girl I was dating was raped and murdered. I tracked the guy down myself, slit his throat. I realized I had a real knack for it after that, so I kept going.”

Miller says that he wishes he hadn’t gotten caught, because he has a list of at least 3 more local “perverts” that he wanted to “knock off.”

“A friend of mine – we go way back – his daughter was molested by his babysitter’s boyfriend. Everyone knew he did it. The police couldn’t prove it. The girl, she’s only 7, she clammed right up. Barely spoken since, and she won’t admit it. Well, I did the world a favor when I cut his dick off and rammed it down his throat.”

Police say that, despite the “positive” nature of the crimes, Miller will still be more than likely sentenced to death for his crimes.

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South Carolina Man Creates ‘Task Force’ To Battle Creepy Clown Epidemic

PEVELY, South Carolina – 

A South Carolina man has taken it upon himself to battle the “creepy clowns” that have been sighted across the country. Pinto Colvig, 38, says that he is “sick and tired” of his town being scared to death by people dressed as menacing clowns.

“It is disgusting and disturbing to torment a town, and our children, in this way,” said Colvig. “It was bad enough when it was just them damn Juggalos running around in their stupid face paint. At least you knew they didn’t mean too much harm. Now, we have people who have put on full clown masks, suits, and they carry around balloons and knives. Someone has to stop them.”

Because it is not against any laws to simply dress as a clown in public, Colvig says that he has gathered a group of like-minded individuals who plan to cruise the streets, looking to “put clowns in their place.”

“There are plenty of other people who are not scared of these clowns, but are scared for the people who live in this town, and in all towns. We will show them a lesson, and if we have to, yes, we’re willing to get physical. I have a lawyer on retainer, and he’s well aware that things could get rough, and we may have to make that call.”

Police have cautioned Colvig that he needs to not engage with any of the clowns, and that if his “task force” wants to act as a sort of neighborhood watch, that is fine – but no violence should occur.

“If anyone sees a clown – or anything or anyone – that they are bothered by, they should call the police,” said Police Chief Mick Forner. “Do not engage, as you do not know who this individual is, or what they are capable of. Simply get into your house and lock your doors, or quickly remove yourself from the area.”

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