Category Archives: Faux Report

Faux news articles

Faux Report

Obama Orders Life-Sized Bronze Statute of Himself To Be Permanently Installed in White House

obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Obama has ordered a $200,000, life-sized, bronze statue of himself, with plans to install it in the entryway of the White House. The president says that his legacy “should not be diminished,” and that this is the only way he can “keep an eye” over Trump, as well as future presidents.

“I have been president for only eight years, and in that time, I have done what no other presidents could do in all their time in total,” said Obama. “I have created a legacy that should not be diminished. I have created something that no future president will be able to do. In that regard, I have commissioned this statute, with plans to have it permanently erected in the entryway of the White House, so that all who enter can remember me fondly.”

The statue will not be allowed to be removed, as every president is allowed to leave one thing in the White House that must never be touched by future presidents. William Howard Taft left his giant bathtub. Bill Clinton left one of his saxophones. George W. Bush left a piece of mirror and a rolled up hundred.

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Faux Report

Obama Orders Life-Sized Bronze Statute of Himself To Be Permanently Installed in White House

obama

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Obama has ordered a $200,000, life-sized, bronze statue of himself, with plans to install it in the entryway of the White House. The president says that his legacy “should not be diminished,” and that this is the only way he can “keep an eye” over Trump, as well as future presidents.

“I have been president for only eight years, and in that time, I have done what no other presidents could do in all their time in total,” said Obama. “I have created a legacy that should not be diminished. I have created something that no future president will be able to do. In that regard, I have commissioned this statute, with plans to have it permanently erected in the entryway of the White House, so that all who enter can remember me fondly.”

The statue will not be allowed to be removed, as every president is allowed to leave one thing in the White House that must never be touched by future presidents. William Howard Taft left his giant bathtub. Bill Clinton left one of his saxophones. George W. Bush left a piece of mirror and a rolled up hundred.

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Faux Report

Uber Driver Refuses To Pick Up Woman In Labor, Didn’t Want To Help Deliver Baby

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana – 

An Uber driver in Indianapolis is being sued by a couple who had to deliver their baby on the street after they say the driver would not let them into his car.

“We ordered an Uber as soon as my wife went into labor, and when the driver showed up, late I might add, he wouldn’t take us to the hospital. He didn’t want to get any ‘baby gunk’ on his seats, and said he wouldn’t know what to do if he had to try and deliver the baby,” said John Richards. “My wife gave birth right on the sidewalk instead. Our baby could have caught something from the street filth!”

The driver, Mr. Tony Trims, says that there was “no fucking way” he was letting these people into his car when he saw that the woman was in labor.

“Look, I ain’t saying they’re bad people or nothing, but for sure she was gonna leak on my seats. Part of the Uber policy is that I don’t have to pick up anyone if I don’t want to. I took the job, yeah, but the next guy would have been along in about a minute,” said Trims. “They spent that time bitchin’ at me instead of ordering another Uber. Not my problem.”

The lawsuit has been filed by the Richards family, and they say that their lawyer thinks they have a “hell of” a discrimination case.

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Faux Report

Melania Trump Talks About Cause She Plans To Take On During Donald’s Presidency

melania

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Move over Michelle Obama with your useless childhood obesity campaign – Melania Trump, future first lady, has announced her “mighty cause” that she plans to take on during Donald’s time as president.

“I know that we have plenty of fat kids in the world, and that’s pretty bad,” said Melania. “But, another problem that is faced that is also pretty bad is the homeless people. They are so sad and they are so bad to look at, and I want to help.”

Melania says that her campaign will be to give designer bags to needy homeless people throughout the country.

“It is very important that people look nice, and the best way to look nice is to start with a nice bag,” said Melania, smiling. “I have many, many friends in designer industries, and they can all make pretty bags to give to these homeless. Maybe, with a nice bag, these people will find the strength to get a home, something that I’m sure most of them would like to have.”

 

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Faux Report

Confirmed: 2017 Is The Year Jesus Returns To Earth

jesus

WASHINGTON, D.C.  – 

After centuries of speculation, Empire News can confirm that 2017 will be the year that Jesus finally returns to Earth.

Many of his followers have been waiting a lifetime for this event, and it seems it will be happening on January 1st.

“After a long 2016 filled with some of the most horrible things to ever happen, including Trump getting elected and the death of so many icons like David Bowie and Prince, Jesus Christ has decided that 2017 will be the year he returns to put right the things that have gone wrong,” said Jesus’ spokesman Joseph Moore.

Moore says that Jesus has been preparing his comeback tour for quite some time, but could not find a reason that people really and truly needed him to come back.

“Now that the world is turning upside down, he sees the time is right for his return,” said Moore. “Watch for a sign on January 1st. He says that the Times Square event will be one to remember, for sure.”

 

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Faux Report

You Won’t BELIEVE What These ‘Hatchimals’ Toys Are Saying To Kids!

hatchimals

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A mother in Boston who bought each of her 7 children the year’s hottest toy, a Hatchimal, says the creatures had been mostly speaking gibberish when first opened on Christmas morning, but over the last week, have started saying some “truly disturbing things.”

“These Hatchimals are basically just like those old Ferby toys, remember those?” said Carla Jones, 28. “I had one of those when I was a kid. They spoke in random gibberish. Well, these Hatchimals, they did too mostly. But then the other day, I noticed that my youngest son, Tyler, who is 4, started saying some horrible things. I asked him where he learned those words, and he pointed to his Hatchimal.”

Jones was asked if the words could be repeated for print, and she said “she didn’t think they should be said,” but wanted to make sure that other parents knew what these “dangerous toys” were teaching their children.

“If it was only something as simple as it saying ‘fuck’ or something, then I’d be okay with that. They hear that kind of talk on Sesame Street these days, for crying out loud,” said Jones. “No, it was much more sinister. I’m honestly having a hard time saying the words, but truly, everyone should know. These Hatchimals, they taught my son to say ‘Donald Trump will make a great president.’ OH MY GOD I can’t believe I said it. It’s so sick.”

Empire News reached out the company behind Hatchimals, but received no response.

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Faux Report

‘The Simpsons’ Creator Says Next Season Will Be Last

simpsons

LOS ANGELES, California –

Matt Groenig, creator of The Simpsons, says that next year will finally be the last season for the cartoon – the longest running show in prime time.

“Frankly, we’re all pretty bored with it. The show has been on for, what, about 30 or 40 seasons, and it’s just stale. I mean yeah, it’s funny for the audience, but this cast, these guys and gals, man, they’re bored. I don’t blame them,” said Groenig.

FOX, the channel that airs the show in the U.S., said that they are “more than ready” to fill the Sunday night timeslot with something else, and are eyeing Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane to work on a new show.

“Seth has come up with some great ideas, and we’re really excited to see where they go,” said FOX CEO Marvin Hamlin. “He actually just pitched us a new show yesterday that we’re ordering a pilot for. It’s called The Stimpsons, and it is an animated show about a dysfunctional family. There’s the alcoholic dad, the big-haired mom, a few precocious kids. Frankly, we have never seen anything like it before, and we’re thinking it’s going to be great.”

 

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Faux Report

‘Big Fat Fabulous Life’ TV Star Has Weight Loss Journey Sabotaged By TLC

pizza

HOLLYWOOD, California –

One of the stars of the TLC TV series Big Fat Fabulous Life has come forward, saying that the cable channel completely sabotaged her weight loss goals by constantly providing her with food.

“I told producers I planned to lose weight. I was feeling horrible, fat, and unhealthy. Despite the title, being fat is not fabulous,” said Mary Lawrence, who weighed 297 pounds when she started filming the show. “I wanted to get down to around 165. I started talking to my doctors, and they were going to help. TLC seemed supportive, but then their wallets got the better of them.”

Lawrence, 28, says that TLC began sending her baskets of food, restaurant gift certificates, and they cancelled the personal trainer they said they’d help pay for.

“They really just wanted me to stay fat, because it is good for ratings if I’m huge,” said Lawrence. “I couldn’t help myself. When someone sends you a basket of cheeseburgers from In-and-Out, you have no choice but to devour them all. In one sitting. By yourself. While watching My 600lb Life.”

TLC representatives could not be reached for comment.

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Faux Report

Congress To Enact Laws Forcing Everyone To Carry Life Insurance

life

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The government has already been forcing American citizens to carry a form of health insurance, despite rising costs and crippling debt that we’re all faced with. Now, Congress plans to enact a new law that would also force everyone to have a life insurance policy.

“This is really and truly for the benefit of the people, and will only help in the long run,” said Congressman Bill Knowles. “People are dying every single day, and no one can afford to bury them. They can’t afford the funeral costs, and they can’t afford the bills left behind. By forcing everyone to have life plans, it will alleviate a lot of headaches.”

The life insurance companies say they are “thrilled” by this news, as many of them had seen a drastic decrease in sign-ups over the last several years.

“We haven’t signed anyone up for a life plan in about 6 weeks,” said Raymond Booth, owner of a small life insurance company in Idaho. “We partner with some big names, but I just can’t get anyone interested. No one wants to think about dying, and they don’t care what kind of mess they leave behind for their family. Thanks to this bill, though, I’m going to be rolling in it very soon!”

The bill is set to be voted on after winter break, when Congress resumes on January 20th.

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Faux Report

Carrie Fisher’s Ghost Reportedly Spotted On Hollywood Boulevard

fisher

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Star Wars fans have been hanging around Hollywood Boulevard for the last two days, after a man says he saw Carrie Fisher’s ghost hanging around downtown.

“It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Mario Lewis, who is on vacation from Idaho. “There was this gorgeous woman, and she was dressed as Princess Leia from the Star Wars movies. I walked over to her and my eyes just bugged out. It was Princess Leia! It was the ghost of Carrie Fisher, and it made my life seeing that.”

Although so far no one else has seen Ms. Fisher’s ghost appear in Hollywood – or anywhere else – a rabid fanbase of Star Wars nerds have been wandering all over Hollywood, hoping to catch a glimpse.

A homeless woman, Marlene Simmons, who has lived in Hollywood her whole life, says that the tourist is just an idiot.

“There’s no damn ghost here. Never was of any other celebrity, sure as shit wouldn’t be of Carrie Fisher, neither,” said Simmons. “That damn fool just got confused because there are always people out here on the Boulevard, dressed up as characters from movies and what not. Dumbass saw a woman dressed like Princess whoever, got himself all riled up. Now get yo’ ass out my face. You’re standing in my bathroom.”

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Faux Report

Clinton Campaign Staffer Says Hillary Tried To ‘Sell Her Soul’ To Win, Turns Out She Doesn’t Have Soul

satan

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A former Clinton campaign staffer has come forward, claiming that Hillary Clinton literally tried to make a deal with the devil during the campaign, but it failed miserably.

“She had me on the phone for hours so that I could get in touch with Mr. Satan,” said the staffer. “I was able to reach him, finally, after many calls and call-backs. You’d be amazed how hard it is to get in touch with the Devil. Anyway, we arranged a meeting between The Dark One and Hillary.”

The anonymous staffer claims, though, that once the meeting was set and Satan showed up with the contract, the terms could not be met.

“Naturally, Satan wanted Hillary’s soul in exchange for the presidency, but as it turns out, Clinton doesn’t have a soul to begin with,” said the staffer. “Needless to say, Beelzebub was not very happy about making such a long trip for nothing, and vowed that she would never win. Turns out he was right.”

Satan could not be reached for comment about the deal.

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Faux Report

Scientist Officially Proves That Global Warming is a Hoax

globalwarming

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Chester Miller, who has been studying the effects of global warming for nearly 20 years, says that he has finally found conclusive proof that the phenomenon is completely and totally bogus.

“I have been looking into the effects of global warming, and can conclusively say that the world is not warmer at all,” said Miller. “I had been waiting and waiting for this discovery, and it came to me earlier this week. It was a true moment of glory for all of science.”

Miller says that during the night between Thursday and Friday, his town of Concord, New Hampshire received a massive amount of snow – over a foot in just a few hours. This, he says, is proof that the world is not getting warmer.

“If global warming were real, then how come we got 14″ of snow the other night?” asked Miller. “I assume you all understand that in order for it to snow, it has to be cold. And in order for it to snow THAT MUCH in that amount of time, well – it has to be very cold. I believe I can rest my case.”

 

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Faux Report

Doctor Says That ‘Fat Is The New Skinny’

fat

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

For as long as anyone can remember, doctors have said that being skinny was the only way one could be “truly” healthy. According to one doctor out of Boston, though, that’s just not the case.

In a study conducted over the last 5 years, Dr. Carl Bernstain has concluded that the fatter a person is, the more likely they are to live longer and have overall better health.

“It seems counterintuitive to everything medical doctors have always said, but it’s really very simple,” said Dr. Bernstain. “Basically, when someone is tremendously fat, their organs are protected by layers and layers of thick, slippery, fatty cells. These cells keep everything internal running smoothly. Most of my patients over 400lbs have been living decades longer than their previous doctors had told them, all because of my discoveries.”

Dr. Bernstain says that although being skinny may make it easier for people to do more “active” things, being active isn’t always the most healthy thing, either.

“My patients, they can’t always walk on their own, and they do have to have someone to help them make it to the bathroom or shower properly, but they’ll live long lives, and longevity is the most important thing,” said Dr. Bernstain. “Yes, skinny people can go outside and be active. They may even find attractive mates and live into their 60s, but really, is that what life is all about?”

Dr. Bernstain himself weighs a paltry 196 pounds, but says he does plan to “bulk up” so he can continue to practice medicine for “as long as possible.”

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Faux Report

Study: 6 out of 10 Trump Supporters Are Completely Illiterate

trump baby

As Reported By Real News Right Now:

An independent study conducted by the bipartisan policy group Alliance for Community Organizations seeking Reform Now has determined that just over fifty-nine percent of voters who support Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump suffer from moderate to severe illiteracy.

Posing as representatives from the Nationalist Reform Council – a fictional conservative action group – ACORN officials staged several mock elections last month at community centers throughout Cullman County, Alabama, under the pretense of helping residents register to vote in time for the general election. “We were really pleased with the turnout,” said Matthew Breyer, who heads ACORN’s northern Alabama office. “We were able to register nearly twenty thousand…

READ FULL STORY HERE

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